Body Language Expert: This Small Mistake Makes People Dislike You! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single! When You Do This You Look Like A Loser Sorry But You Do!
In this episode of The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett, body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards shares insights into nonverbal communication's impact on first impressions, engaging conversations, and emotional intelligence.
Van Edwards provides practical tips for projecting confidence and approachability through open body language, eye contact, and authentic smiles. The discussion also covers strategies for fostering deeper connections, such as using personal stories and tailoring communication styles to different personality types.
Additionally, Van Edwards explains the value of recognizing micro-expressions, which can help navigate interactions by identifying and addressing underlying emotions. The episode explores the nuances of introversion and extroversion, offering suggestions for introverts to navigate social situations more comfortably.
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1-Page Summary
First Impressions and Body Language
Experts Vanessa Van Edwards and Steven Bartlett highlight the power of nonverbal cues in making a good first impression. They advise against the "Triple Threat" of hidden hands, avoidant gaze, and closed posture. Instead, Van Edwards recommends visible hands, sustained eye contact (60% is ideal), and open body language like head tilts and gestures.
For profile pictures, barriers like sunglasses should be avoided in favor of authentic smiles and a balance of warmth through head tilts and competence through watches or glasses, per Van Edwards.
Engaging Conversation Skills
Van Edwards suggests creative replies to "How are you?" and using personal stories to make interactions memorable. She advises open-ended questions to drive conversations, validating others' experiences, and infusing unique greetings or professional introductions.
Sharing hometown anecdotes and stories related to one's work can forge deeper personal connections. Leaders should prepare exciting stories about their roles.
Personality Traits and Communication
Van Edwards and Bartlett reference the "Ocean" personality framework's five traits: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism. Each impacts communication styles, like extroverts thriving through interaction while conscientious people value punctuality.
While partly genetic, it's possible to adjust some traits through effort. The duo suggests balancing personalities in partnerships, teams, or leadership based on compatibility across these spectrums.
Micro-Expressions and Emotional Intelligence
Van Edwards teaches recognizing the seven universal micro-expressions like fear, disgust, and contempt to identify underlying emotions. This facilitates open communication by naming perceived feelings.
Reading confusion or anger allows adjusting one's approach, while sadness prompts empathy. Maintaining eye contact and offering celebratory gestures builds rapport.
Introverts vs Extroverts
Extroverts gain energy from interaction while introverts need solitude to recharge, per Van Edwards and Bartlett. Introverts can find socialization easier when engaging interests like sports or hobbies.
Van Edwards suggests introverts build a "Story Toolbox" with prepared stories and questions to navigate professional social situations comfortably.
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Counterarguments
- Nonverbal cues are important, but overemphasis on body language can lead to misinterpretation due to cultural differences or personal idiosyncrasies.
- Sustained eye contact might be perceived as aggressive or uncomfortable in some cultures or by certain individuals.
- Authentic smiles are generally positive, but trying too hard to appear warm or competent can come across as inauthentic.
- Creative replies to common questions can be refreshing, but they may also confuse or alienate people who prefer straightforward communication.
- Personal stories can deepen connections, but over-sharing or irrelevant anecdotes can bore or distract the listener.
- Open-ended questions are useful, but they must be relevant and appropriate to the context to avoid making the conversation feel like an interrogation.
- The "Ocean" personality framework is a useful tool, but it may oversimplify the complexity of human personality and behavior.
- Effort can modify some personality traits, but there are limits to how much one can change inherent aspects of their personality.
- Compatibility in teams is important, but diversity in personality traits can also lead to more creative and effective problem-solving.
- Recognizing micro-expressions can be helpful, but relying too heavily on them can lead to incorrect assumptions about a person's feelings or intentions.
- Introverts and extroverts have different social needs, but these categories are not always clear-cut, and people may exhibit traits of both in different situations.
- A "Story Toolbox" can be a useful strategy for introverts, but it should not replace genuine, spontaneous interaction.
Actionables
- You can refine your nonverbal communication by practicing in front of a mirror or recording yourself. Observe your gestures, facial expressions, and posture when speaking or reacting to different scenarios. This self-awareness exercise will help you become more conscious of your body language and improve your nonverbal communication skills.
- Create a personal feedback loop by asking close friends or family to provide honest feedback on your conversational style. After social interactions, casually ask them how they perceived your engagement, use of stories, and question-asking. Their insights can help you adjust and enhance your communication techniques for future interactions.
- Develop a habit of observing people's reactions in everyday situations to better understand micro-expressions and emotions. While in public spaces like cafes or parks, discreetly watch how people interact with each other. Pay attention to their facial expressions and body language in response to different stimuli, which can help you learn to read emotions more accurately in your own interactions.
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First Impressions and Body Language
Understanding the power of nonverbal communication and mastering first impressions can lead to success in personal and professional realms, as noted by Vanessa Van Edwards and Steven Bartlett.
Making a Good First Impression Through Nonverbal Cues
Experts like Van Edwards and Bartlett highlight the influence of body language when meeting someone for the first time.
Avoiding the "Triple Threat": Hidden Hands, Avoidant Gaze, Closed Posture
A negative first impression often includes what Van Edwards calls the "Triple Threat": hidden hands, an avoidant gaze, and a closed posture. For example, hands hidden in pockets or under the table should be avoided, as should avoiding eye contact. Van Edwards notes that a bad first impression may involve taking up as little space as possible, with no space between arms and torso or shoulders and earlobes.
Leveraging Positive Cues: Eye Contact, Visible Hands, Open Body Language
On the other hand, positive cues such as visible hands, sustained eye contact, and an open body language are critical. For instance, visible hands can change how people perceive and treat you, making you appear more trustworthy and engaging. Van Edwards recommends making eye contact at the start and end of a point to help seal the message being delivered and advises maintaining 60% eye contact during interactions as the sweet spot in Western cultures. Broad body language and being angled towards a conversation partner can also imply alignment and openness.
Van Edwards further mentions that showing hands immediately upon greeting and ensuring they are visible in profile pictures are crucial for a good impression. Smaller gestures like head nods, head tilts, leaning in, vocalizations, and affirmations are nonverbal cues that increase likability during interactions.
Creating an Engaging Profile Picture Through Expressions and Positioning
When it comes to profile images, the experts provide advice on creating a positive, professional impression that balances warmth and competence.
Avoiding Sunglasses and Other Barriers To Connection
Sunglasse ...
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First Impressions and Body Language
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Counterarguments
- Cultural Variability:
- The 60% eye contact rule may not be ideal in all cultures, as some cultures may perceive direct eye contact differently, ranging from disrespectful to overly aggressive.
- The interpretation of open body language and gestures like head nods or tilts can also vary by culture, potentially leading to misunderstandings.
- Contextual Differences:
- The appropriateness of certain nonverbal cues can depend on the context, such as the formality of the setting or the nature of the relationship between individuals.
- In some professional settings, a more reserved body language might be expected and considered appropriate.
- Individual Differences:
- Not all individuals are comfortable with or capable of performing the recommended nonverbal cues due to personal preferences, neurodiversity, or disabilities.
- Some people may find maintaining a high level of eye contact or an open posture to be unnatural or stressful, which could negatively affect their performance in social interactions.
- Overemphasis on Nonverbal Cues:
- While nonverbal communication is important, overemphasizing it can lead to neglecting the content and quality of verbal communication, which is also crucial in interactions.
- Relying too heavily on nonverbal cues for first impressions might lead to snap judgments or biases, which can be unfair or inaccurate.
- Misinterpretation of Nonverbal Cues:
- Nonverbal cues can be misinterpreted, and what one person sees as a positive cue, another might perceive as negative or disingenuous.
- People can manipulate nonverbal c ...
Actionables
- You can practice mirroring body language during casual conversations to enhance rapport. Start by subtly copying the posture, gestures, or facial expressions of friends during a chat. This can make you appear more aligned with them and increase your likability without being overt or making them uncomfortable.
- Create a habit of reviewing your own body language in daily interactions by setting reminders on your phone to self-assess. Every few hours, take a moment to reflect on your posture, hand visibility, and eye contact during recent interactions. Adjust accordingly to ensure you're consistently projecting openness and trustworthiness.
- Experiment with your profile picture on social media by taking several pho ...
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Engaging Conversation Skills
In today’s social and professional world, being able to engage in conversation is key. Vanessa Van Edwards and Steven Bartlett share their insights into breaking the mundane loop of greetings and chit-chat, and into making interactions count.
Breaking the Script and Adding Personality
Creative Replies to "How Are You?"
Normal "how are you" interactions can be stale. To spice things up, Vanessa Van Edwards suggests responding with unexpected answers such as a number "seven" or a context "fighting my inbox all day." She emphasizes avoiding automatic responses like "good" or "busy, but good" to be more engaging.
Using Stories and Personal Details for Memorable Interactions
Using stories and personal anecdotes can vastly improve communication. Vanessa Van Edwards believes sharing personal stories can stimulate the release of positive chemicals like serotonin in the listener, fostering a sense of belonging. She suggests preparing small anecdotes for even mundane topics like the weather to make interactions more interesting and memorable.
Being an Active Listener and Driver in Conversations
Asking Open-Ended Questions to Keep Dialogue Flowing
To become an active participant in conversations, asking open-ended questions is vital. Vanessa Van Edwards advises against "no numbers" questions because they can lead to conversational dead-ends. A better practice is to add more to your responses to keep the conversation alive and steer it towards more meaningful topics.
Validating Others and Making Them Feel Heard
Engaging with others requires more than just listening; one must also validate others' experiences. Vanessa Van Edwards and Steven Bartlett agree that showing appreciation for what others say can endear you to them. For example, if someone makes a joke, laughing heartily or banging on the table can show approval and encourage the person to share more.
Adding Depth to Interactions
To truly stand out in conversations, Van Edwards underscores the importance of being unique. She encourages greeting with distinctive phrases like "what's good" or "bingo, I'm in your inbox" to intrigue others from the start. Also, elaborating on your professional role with a snippet like "I am a [role] who helps [type of people]" can result in a more engaging introduction.
Avoiding generic questions like "Where are you from?" by asking about "favorite secret spots" can lead conversations down more exciting paths. Preparing stories for common questions and personalizing responses to include tidbits ab ...
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Engaging Conversation Skills
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Counterarguments
- Creative responses to "How are you?" might confuse or disorient some people who are accustomed to standard greetings, potentially making the interaction awkward.
- Personal stories can be engaging, but there's a risk of oversharing or making the conversation too one-sided if not balanced with listening and interest in the other person.
- Open-ended questions are generally good for conversation, but they must be appropriate to the context and the comfort level of the other person; not everyone may be willing to engage deeply.
- While validating others is important, overdoing reactions like laughing heartily or banging on the table might come across as insincere or excessive.
- Unique greetings and introductions can be memorable, but they may also be perceived as trying too hard or being inauthentic if they don't match one's personality or the situation.
- Asking about "favorite secret spots" instead of "Where are you from?" might be too personal or presumptive for some people, especially in a first meeting or professional context.
- The 'thread theory' relies on finding common ground, but it can be challenging if there are no obvious shared experiences, and attempting to force a connection might seem artifi ...
Actionables
- Create a personal interaction playbook by jotting down unique responses, questions, and greetings you've never used before. Keep this list on your phone or a small notebook and refer to it before meetings or social events to refresh your approach and avoid falling back on clichés. For example, instead of asking "How are you?" you might say "What's the highlight of your day so far?"
- Start a conversation journal where you record the outcomes of interactions when you've tried something new, like sharing a personal story or asking about someone's favorite hidden gem in the city. This will help you reflect on what works and what doesn't, and it will encourage you to keep experimenting with your conversational style. For instance, after sharing a story about a recent travel mishap, note if it led to a deeper conversation or if it fell flat.
- Practice active story-li ...
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Personality Traits and Communication
Vanessa Van Edwards and Steven Bartlett discuss the complexities of personality traits, their influence on communication and relationships, and how leveraging personality awareness can benefit team-building and personal development.
Understanding the "Ocean" Personality Framework
Vanessa Van Edwards and Steven Bartlett emphasize the "Ocean" framework, which assesses individual differences across five critical personality traits: openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. These traits affect how individuals communicate and interact in various relationships.
Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism Differences
The hosts discuss how personalities fall on a spectrum ranging from high, medium, to low levels of each trait. They address that while traits like neuroticism might be partly heritable, individuals have the potential for change if they are purposeful about it, although the change is likely limited, moving a trait only one level up or down on the spectrum.
Neurotics, who are known for worrying, often make self-deprecating jokes, which is generally likable, in contrast to non-neurotics who prefer not to joke about themselves. Women are typically higher in worrying and people-pleasing, while men are on the lower end. Moreover, narcissists, often high in extraversion and low in neuroticism and agreeableness, are self-assured and not worried by nature.
How Traits Influence Communication and Relationship Dynamics
These traits significantly influence an individual's communication style and the dynamics of their relationships. For example, high-open individuals might struggle with "shiny object syndrome," leading to constant distractions, while someone low on openness may prefer routines and resist change.
Conscientious individuals' love for detail and organization might manifest in their keen punctuality and frustration with latecomers, and their disorganized counterparts may struggle with follow-through in social connections.
Extroversion influences how individuals engage in networking and leadership, potentially affecting business success, while low agreeables may take on the skeptical role in team discussions.
Neurotic individuals might experience conflicts in relationships, especially if paired with a partner who doesn't share their level of worry.
Leveraging Personality Awareness for Better Team-Building and Self-Improvement
Changing Your Personality Traits
Edwards reveals that while some traits are partly genetic, you can work to change them. For example, by participating in an improv class, someone can become funnier, and those lacking conscientio ...
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Personality Traits and Communication
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Counterarguments
- The "Ocean" framework, while widely recognized, is not the only model for understanding personality, and other models like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) or the Enneagram may offer different insights that could be equally valuable in understanding communication and relationships.
- The idea that personality traits are on a spectrum may oversimplify the complexity of human behavior, as people can exhibit different levels of these traits in different contexts or at different times.
- The assertion that neurotic individuals tend to make self-deprecating jokes could be a stereotype and may not apply to all individuals with high levels of neuroticism.
- The claim that women tend to be higher in worrying and people-pleasing could be seen as reinforcing gender stereotypes and may not account for cultural, social, and individual variations.
- The characterization of narcissists may lack nuance and fail to recognize that narcissism exists on a spectrum and can manifest in various ways beyond the traits of extraversion, low neuroticism, and low agreeableness.
- The impact of personality traits on communication styles and relationship dynamics may not be as direct or significant as suggested, as other factors like context, culture, and individual experiences also play a crucial role.
- The idea that high-open individuals may struggle with distractions could be challenged by evidence that openness to experience is also associated with creativity and a broader range of interests, which can be beneficial in many contexts.
- The notion that conscientious individuals are always punctual and organized may not account for external factors that can affect these behaviors, such as environmental stressors or competing priorities.
- The suggestion that extroversion is a key factor in networking and leadership success may overlook the contributions and unique strengths of introverted individuals in these areas.
- The view that low agreeableness is beneficial for skepticism in team discussions may not consider the potential for highly agreeable individuals to also offer critical perspectives in a constructive manner.
- The idea that personality traits can be changed through effort and training may b ...
Actionables
- You can create a personalized communication guide by reflecting on your own personality traits and noting how they might influence your interactions with others. For example, if you identify as high in neuroticism, you might prepare for important conversations by outlining your thoughts in advance to avoid conflict. Conversely, if you're high in extraversion, you could focus on listening more actively to balance your natural tendency to dominate discussions.
- Develop a "trait complementarity" plan for your relationships or team dynamics by pairing individuals with opposing strengths. If you're low in conscientiousness, partner with someone high in this trait for projects that require meticulous planning. This can help ensure tasks are completed efficiently, and you can learn organizational skills from your partner.
- Use a "trait-based goal s ...
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Micro-Expressions and Emotional Intelligence
Vanessa Van Edwards delves into the realm of micro-expressions and emotional intelligence, teaching listeners about recognizing and utilizing the seven universal micro-expressions to foster better communication and trust.
Recognizing the Seven Universal Micro-Expressions
Vanessa Van Edwards emphasizes the importance of decoding the seven universal micro-expressions that everyone exhibits unconsciously.
Fear, Disgust, Anger, Happiness, Sadness, and Contempt
These micro-expressions include fear, disgust, anger, happiness, sadness, and contempt, and are key indicators of a person's underlying emotions. For example, she mentions that a chin jut is a subtle anger micro-expression, and a one-sided mouth raise or smirk signifies contempt. Vanessa explains how these expressions, like anger which may involve tensed eyelids or a jutted jaw, could have evolutionary origins in displaying physical strength.
How Micro-Expressions Can Reveal Underlying Emotions and Feelings
Vanessa also notes that disgust, often seen when someone lies, is an expression of self-repulsion. She distinguishes between the expressions of surprise, which is neutral, and fear, which has a distinct appearance. Understanding these subtle signs can reveal someone's true feelings, as with spotting genuine happiness through the activation of upper cheek muscles, which is particularly useful in discerning whether a colleague genuinely appreciates something in the workplace.
Using Micro-Expression Insights to Build Trust and Empathy
Utilizing insights from micro-expressions can enhance interpersonal relationships by facilitating clearer communication and demonstrating empathy.
Naming Emotions to Facilitate Open Communication
Vanessa Van Edwards recommends naming an emotion, such as expressing that someone seems "upset," prompting the individual to agree or correct the assumption, thereby guiding the conversation toward their true feelings. This practice fosters open dialogue and can address potential misunderstandings immediately.
Using Micro-Expressions to Gauge Reactions an ...
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Micro-Expressions and Emotional Intelligence
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Counterarguments
- While micro-expressions can be indicative of underlying emotions, they are not always reliable due to individual differences and the context in which they occur.
- The interpretation of micro-expressions can be influenced by personal biases and cultural differences, which may lead to misunderstandings.
- The ability to accurately read micro-expressions requires significant training and expertise, and even then, it is not foolproof.
- Over-reliance on micro-expressions could lead to privacy concerns or the perception of invasiveness in personal interactions.
- Naming emotions based on perceived micro-expressions might not always lead to open communication and could sometimes be perceived as intrusive or presumptive.
- The effectiveness of using micro-expressions to gauge reactions and adjust approaches may vary greatly depending on the situation and the individuals involved.
- The suggestion to maintain eye contact in virtual meetings to foster connection may not account for cultural norms where direct eye contact is not always comfortable or appropriate.
- The recommendation to use touch, like high-fives, to strengthen rapport may not be suitable ...
Actionables
- You can practice recognizing micro-expressions by watching silent movie clips and jotting down perceived emotions. By muting the audio, you'll focus solely on the actors' facial expressions, enhancing your ability to interpret subtle emotional cues without the influence of dialogue or sound.
- Create a personal emotion diary to track your reactions to different situations throughout the day. Note the micro-expressions you think you displayed and the emotions associated with them. This self-reflection can improve your emotional vocabulary and help you communicate your feelings more effectively.
- Use a mirror to practice and observe your own ...
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Introverts vs Extroverts
Understanding the differences between introverts and extroverts is essential as it affects how individuals recharge and interact socially and professionally.
Introverts and Extroverts: Energy Differences
Extroverts and introverts differ significantly in how they gain and expend energy, affecting their behavior and preferences in various situations.
Extroverts Thrive On Interaction, Introverts Need Recharge Time
Vanessa Van Edwards and Steven Bartlett express the distinct ways in which extroverts and introverts engage with their surroundings and replenish their energy. Extroverts are known to thrive on interaction and gain energy from being with others. For instance, extroverts may have firmer handshakes, as demonstrated by Bartlett, which suggests higher extroversion and a propensity to be energized by social interactions. Studies suggest that men are typically higher in extroversion. Extroverts also benefit from stronger immune responses, feeling happier and healthier in social settings.
Contrastingly, introverts require time alone to recharge after socializing, and they may feel unhappy and stressed in highly interactive environments, which can lead to higher cortisol levels. Bartlett describes feeling uncomfortable in places he does not want to be, a sentiment that many introverts may share, as they prefer environments that allow them to recharge in peace. Activities such as spending time on the computer involve energy output, while social outings provide back-and-forth energy exchanges.
Van Edwards introduces the concept of ambiverts, people who exhibit traits of both extroverts and introverts, needing significant time to recharge despite being able to engage energetically in social situations.
Introvert-Extrovert Interaction Challenges
The interaction between introverts and extroverts can sometimes lead to tension, especially in relationships where one person's need for social interaction clashes with the other's need for solitude. For example, narcissists, often high in extroversion, thrive on socialization to feed their ego, which may challenge their interactions with more introverted individuals.
Strategies For Introverts in Social and Professional Settings
Introverts are encouraged to build social connections in environments that align with their interests and preferences, which can help mitigate the draining effects of socialization.
Leveraging Interests and Activities to Build Connections Comfortably
Introverts can find social interactions less draining by engaging in activities they enjoy, such as knitting, rea ...
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Introverts vs Extroverts
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Counterarguments
- While extroverts may often have firmer handshakes, this is not a universal trait and can vary widely among individuals regardless of their extroversion levels.
- The claim that men are typically higher in extroversion is a generalization and may not hold true for all populations; personality traits are highly individual and can't be accurately predicted based on gender alone.
- The idea that extroverts have stronger immune responses could be misleading; immune function is complex and influenced by many factors beyond social interaction preferences.
- The notion that introverts feel unhappy and stressed in highly interactive environments might be an oversimplification; introverts can also enjoy social interactions but may have different thresholds for stimulation.
- Ambiverts are described as needing significant time to recharge despite being able to engage energetically in social situations, but this might not accurately represent the flexibility and adaptability of ambiverts in managing their energy levels.
- The tension between introverts and extroverts in interactions is not inevitable; with understanding and communication, individuals can navigate their differences effectively.
- Narcissism is a personality disorder that involves a broad range of symptoms and behaviors; equating it with extroversion may be an oversimplification and could stigmatize those who are extroverted but not n ...
Actionables
- You can create a personalized social battery meter to monitor your energy levels during social interactions. Just like a battery icon on a phone, draw a simple meter on a piece of paper or use a digital note-taking app to represent your energy levels. Before and after social events, take a moment to reflect and mark your energy level on the meter. This visual tool will help you become more aware of how different social settings affect you, allowing you to plan your activities and rest periods more effectively.
- Develop a conversation card game for mixed social groups to facilitate engaging interactions. Use index cards to write down interesting prompts that cater to both introverted and extroverted preferences, such as "Share a book you've recently read and why it intrigued you" or "Describe a hobby that relaxes you and one that excites you." When you're in a social setting, bring out the cards and invite others to draw and answer a question. This game can serve as a bridge between different personality types, making socializing more comfortable for everyone involv ...
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