The Speaking Coach: The One Word All Liars Use! Stop Saying This Word, It's Making You Sound Weak! The More You Do This, The More You Sound Like A Liar!
In this episode of The Diary Of A CEO podcast, communication coach Jefferson Fisher and host Steven Bartlett discuss the crucial role of effective communication in achieving success across various aspects of life. Fisher underscores how improving communication skills, even modestly, can transform one's career, relationships, and personal growth.
The conversation delves into specific techniques for enhancing communication, such as leveraging strategic pauses, repetition, and open-ended questions. Fisher also shares insights on projecting confidence and authority through intentional phrasing, handling confrontations with composure, and setting boundaries with assertiveness. Ultimately, the episode emphasizes the power of refining one's communication style to overcome challenges, reach goals, and build long-lasting trust.
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1-Page Summary
The Power and Impact of Communication Skills
Jefferson Fisher and Steven Bartlett emphasize how improving communication skills, even modestly, can transform one's career, relationships, and personal growth. Fisher argues that effective communication is pivotal for success, often outweighing superior expertise. Bartlett shares how honesty builds long-term trust.
Mastering Communication Overcomes Challenges and Reaches Goals
Fisher advocates refining communication to achieve inner peace, control, and confidence. He teaches clients to listen calmly during confrontations by controlling their breathing. Understanding emotional triggers allows for deliberate responses, rather than reacting defensively. Fisher aims to demonstrate how changing communication unlocks better opportunities.
Specific Communication Strategies and Techniques
Leveraging Pauses, Repetition, and Questions
Fisher emphasizes strategic pausing to maintain control, prompting aggressors to reflect on their words. Repeating statements can lead others to retract insults or admit lies. Open-ended questions create understanding by inviting new perspectives.
Intentional Phrasing Projects Confidence and Authority
Bartlett notes eliminating filler words like "like" improves clarity and authority. Fisher suggests leading with gratitude over apologies to seem composed. Wealthy individuals often communicate directly and briefly to convey confidence.
Handling Difficult People and Maintaining Control
Staying Calm Amidst Aggression or Insults
Fisher recommends silence and composure when facing insults, denying aggressors the desired reaction. He underscores addressing conflicts cooperatively to preserve relationships.
Respect Yourself: Set and Keep Boundaries
Setting boundaries directly yet positively, as Fisher demonstrates by firmly declining requests, shows confidence while maintaining goodwill. He highlights the empowerment of truthful, sincere communication.
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Counterarguments
- While effective communication is important, it is not the only factor for success; expertise and technical skills can be equally or more important in certain fields.
- Honesty is valuable, but there are situations where too much transparency can harm relationships or professional standing.
- Inner peace and confidence are influenced by many factors beyond communication skills, such as mental health, personal experiences, and external circumstances.
- Controlling breathing during confrontations may not be sufficient for everyone to remain calm; some individuals may require additional strategies or support.
- Repeating statements to prompt others to retract insults or admit lies may not always be effective and could escalate the situation.
- Open-ended questions are useful, but they must be used judiciously to avoid appearing as if one is prying or avoiding taking a stance.
- Eliminating filler words can improve clarity, but natural speech patterns, including the use of filler words, can make communication more relatable and less intimidating.
- Leading with gratitude instead of apologies may not always be appropriate, especially in situations where an apology is warranted to acknowledge a mistake or offense.
- Direct and brief communication may convey confidence, but it can also be perceived as curt or dismissive, which could harm relationships.
- Staying calm in the face of aggression is ideal, but it is not always possible for everyone, and some situations may require more assertive responses.
- Setting boundaries is important, but the manner in which they are set can impact relationships; too much rigidity can be off-putting.
- Truthful and sincere communication is generally empowering, but there are cultural and contextual nuances that can affect how such communication is received.
Actionables
- You can enhance your conversational impact by practicing concise storytelling with a friend, focusing on delivering a message in three sentences or less. This exercise trains you to communicate directly and briefly, mirroring the communication style of successful individuals. For example, when sharing an experience, instead of giving a minute-by-minute account, distill the essence into a beginning, middle, and end that conveys the core message succinctly.
- Develop a habit of writing down three things you're grateful for each day before composing any emails or messages. This practice embeds a mindset of gratitude, making it more natural to lead with thankfulness in your communications rather than apologies, which can enhance perceived composure. When you start an email, you might find yourself beginning with "I'm grateful for your patience," instead of "Sorry for the late response."
- Create a personal 'communication charter' that outlines your boundaries and communication values, and review it daily. This self-created guide serves as a reminder of how you wish to interact with others, ensuring you set boundaries directly and maintain goodwill in your interactions. For instance, your charter might include statements like "I will express my limits clearly without being defensive" or "I will listen fully before responding," which you can reflect on and apply in daily conversations.
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The Power and Impact of Communication Skills
Jefferson Fisher and Steven Bartlett delve into the transformative impact communication skills can have on every aspect of life, stressing that even small changes in how we communicate can dramatically influence our careers, relationships, and personal growth.
Communication Skills Enhance Life Outcomes
Fisher underscores the pivotal role effective communication plays in life outcomes such as career success and healthy relationship dynamics. He argues that everything from job interviews to daily interactions is colored by our ability to convey thoughts effectively. Illustrating his point, Fisher and Bartlett discuss the 'unfair advantage' that superior communication skills confer, often outweighing even exceptional expertise.
Effective Communication Unlocks Career, Relationship, and Personal Growth Opportunities
Fisher highlights the cyclical issues poor communicators face, from failed relationships to unsatisfactory job experiences. Establishing oneself as a truth-teller, for example, can create a foundation of credibility that endures. Bartlett shares his experiences in sales, teaching us that honesty creates long-term trust.
Communication Skills Offer an Edge Over Superior Expertise
Echoing Fisher, Bartlett elaborates on the unfair competitive disadvantage that talented individuals face when they can't effectively express their ideas. Their potential remains unrealized, trapped behind poor articulation that diminishes their prospects.
Mastering Communication Can Overcome Challenges and Reach Goals
Communication not only frames our interaction with the world but also shapes our inner dialogue. Fisher advocates for a focus on refining communication skills as a means to achieve greater peace, control, and confidence in life.
Better Articulation Enhances Self-Advocacy and Conflict Resolution
Poor communicators often struggle with self-negativity, unable to enforce their own boundaries. Fisher notes how teaching clients to listen and respond calmly in depositions enhances their self-advocacy. He emphasizes the importance of controlled breathing to stay grounded during confrontations.
Self-Awareness an ...
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The Power and Impact of Communication Skills
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Counterarguments
- While effective communication is important, it is not the only factor in career success; other skills and attributes such as technical expertise, creativity, and leadership are also crucial.
- The idea of communication skills providing an "unfair advantage" could be challenged by the notion that all skills, when highly developed, can provide a competitive edge, not just communication.
- Some individuals may succeed in their careers despite poor communication skills, especially in fields where other skills are more highly valued.
- Credibility is built on more than just truthful communication; it also involves consistency, reliability, and competence.
- Honesty is important, but it must be balanced with tact and empathy to avoid unnecessary harm in relationships.
- The disadvantage faced by talented individuals with poor communication skills can sometimes be mitigated by other forms of support, such as mentorship or collaboration with team members who have complementary strengths.
- Inner peace, control, and confidence can also be influenced by factors beyond communication skills, such as mental health, personal values, and life circumstances.
- Articulation is just one aspect of self-advocacy; understanding one's rights and having the courage to assert them are also critical.
- Emotional control is important, but it is also necessary to recognize the value of emotional expression and vulnerability in certain situations.
- Breathing techniques can help with composure, but they may not be sufficient for everyone, especially those with anxiety disorders or other psychological challenges.
- Recognizing emotional triggers is useful, but s ...
Actionables
- You can practice active listening by summarizing what others say before giving your response, which ensures you understand their perspective and makes them feel heard. For example, in a work meeting, after a colleague presents an idea, you could say, "So, if I understand correctly, you're suggesting..." This not only clarifies the message but also demonstrates your attentiveness and respect for their input.
- Start a communication journal to track and reflect on your daily interactions, noting what went well and what could be improved. This could be as simple as a notebook where you jot down a few sentences about a conversation each day, focusing on aspects like how clearly you expressed yourself, how you handled emotions, and how you adapted your responses. Over time, you'll be able to identify patterns and areas for growth.
- Engage in role-playing exercises with a friend or fam ...
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Specific Communication Strategies and Techniques
Steven Bartlett and Jefferson Fisher discuss various communication strategies and techniques to improve conversation management, presence, and understanding.
Leveraging Pauses, Repetition, and Questions to Guide Conversations
Effective communicators use pauses, repetition, and questions strategically to enhance their interactions with others.
Pausing Allows For a Controlled Reaction
Fisher emphasizes the power of pausing in conversations, particularly when dealing with aggression, insults, or triggering statements. He recommends a five to seven-second pause to help maintain control and prevent fight-or-flight responses. This breathing space not only allows the person pausing to calm down but also forces the aggressor or liar to hear their own words, potentially prompting self-reflection. Pausing can make responses seem more considered and trustworthy, as Bartlett observes when Fisher pauses before confirming he would bring value to a company. Pauses are also effective against liars because they strip them of control and force them to justify their narrative.
Repeating Others' Statements Prompts Self-Reflection and Clarification
Fisher teaches that asking someone to repeat what they have said during an argument can often lead them to retract their statement upon repetition. Repeating an insult back to the aggressor calmly prompts them to consider their words and potentially take them back. Fisher uses techniques like asking, "Did you mean for that to sound short?" to prompt reflection. If catching someone lying, one can unsettle them and make them confess the truth by repeating their statement after pausing and calmly saying the conversation will be revisited.
Intent and Impact Questions Shift Dynamics to Encourage Understanding
In conversations, Fisher recommends using questions to create space for the other person to talk more, making them receptive to new ideas. For example, asking, "What am I missing?" invites the other to share their perspective and potentially leads to a better understanding. Questions of intent, such as "Did you say that to upset me?" or "How did you feel when you said that?" shift the dynamics and encourage understanding by prompting the aggressor to reflect on the impact of their words. Fisher advises against asking closed-ended questions that elicit one-word responses and instead encourages the use of open-ended questions to invite conversation.
Intentional Phrasing to Project Confidence and Authority
Confidence and authority in communication are often conveyed through careful word choice and elimination of filler words.
Eliminating Filler Words and Speaking Deliberately Conveys Composure
Bar ...
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Specific Communication Strategies and Techniques
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Counterarguments
- While pauses can be powerful, overusing them or pausing at inappropriate times can disrupt the flow of conversation and potentially signal uncertainty or lack of knowledge.
- Repeating someone's statements can sometimes escalate a conflict if the other party perceives it as mocking or condescending rather than an invitation for clarification.
- Questions of intent and impact can be misinterpreted as accusatory or invasive, especially if the person being questioned feels they are being psychoanalyzed or manipulated.
- The effectiveness of eliminating filler words depends on the context and audience; in some casual or creative settings, a more relaxed speech pattern may be more effective and relatable.
- Leading with gratitude can sometimes be perceived as insincere or as a tactic to avoid addressing the real issue at hand, particularly if overused or not accompanied by genuine actions.
- Asserting ...
Actionables
- You can practice strategic pausing by timing your breaths during conversations. Before responding to a question or statement, take a full breath in and out. This deliberate action creates a natural pause, allowing you to collect your thoughts and appear more composed. For example, in a meeting, when asked for your opinion, inhale and exhale slowly before answering, which can help you maintain control of the conversation.
- Enhance your listening skills by paraphrasing what you've heard in a journal. After a significant interaction, write down the key points you remember, then rephrase them in your own words. This exercise will train you to focus on understanding and repeating the essence of messages, which can lead to more meaningful conversations. For instance, if a colleague shares an idea with you, later jot down the gist of their concept and how you would explain it to someone else.
- Create a personal lexicon of authoritative phrases tailored to common scenarios you encounter. ...
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Handling Difficult People and Maintaining Control In Conflicts
Experts Jefferson Fisher and Steven Bartlett analyze strategies for managing difficult conversations and relationships without losing personal control.
Staying Calm When Faced With Aggression or Insults
Fisher emphasizes the significance of composure in the face of aggression and suggests techniques to maintain relationships without succumbing to the urge to "win" the confrontation.
Silence Denies Aggressor Desired Reaction
Fisher advises employing a silence of five to seven seconds in response to aggression, which shifts the focus back to the aggressor and denies them the satisfaction they seek. This allows the recipient of insults to remain composed and forces the aggressor to hear their words echoed back to them.
Preserving Relationships By Resisting the Urge to Win
Fisher underscores the need to unravel conflicts cooperatively rather than aggravating the situation by trying to win. By asking questions like "help me find the knot" or "What am I missing?" one can involve the other person in a collaborative problem-solving effort. Fisher's approach highlights the importance of maintaining relationships by addressing and diffusing the emotional charge, even in adversarial scenarios like depositions.
Respect Yourself: Set and Keep Boundaries
Experts discuss the power of direct communication and assertiveness in setting personal boundaries while maintaining positive relationships.
Saying "No" Directly Demonstrates Confidence and Control
Direct communication, such as confidently saying "no," is key to demonstrating control over a situation. Fisher indicates that effective boundary setting requires a direct approach ...
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Handling Difficult People and Maintaining Control In Conflicts
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Counterarguments
- While silence can be an effective tool, it may not always be appropriate or constructive in every situation, as it could be perceived as passive-aggressive or dismissive.
- Not all conflicts can be resolved cooperatively, especially if one party is unwilling to engage in problem-solving or if there is a significant power imbalance.
- Asking questions like "help me find the knot" may not be effective if the other person is not interested in a collaborative approach or if they perceive it as a tactic rather than genuine curiosity.
- Setting boundaries is important, but there can be cultural or contextual nuances that make direct communication like saying "no" outright less acceptable or effective.
- Speaking slowly and confidently can be misinterpreted as patronizing or condescending, depending on the audience and t ...
Actionables
- You can practice maintaining composure by simulating high-pressure conversations with a friend. Set up role-play scenarios where your friend acts aggressively or insultingly, and you practice responding with calmness and strategic silence. This will help you build the emotional resilience needed to stay composed in real-life situations.
- Develop a habit of reflective journaling after difficult interactions to enhance your cooperative conflict resolution skills. Write down the conflict, your initial impulse to respond, and then brainstorm alternative cooperative approaches you could have taken. This exercise will train your mind to seek collaborative solutions over combative ones.
- Create a personal script for decli ...
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