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The Manipulation Expert: Most People Don't Realise They're Narcissists! You're Setting Your Child Up For Misery!

By Steven Bartlett

In this episode of The Diary Of A CEO podcast, Steven Bartlett and author Robert Greene dive into the human tendencies of narcissism and manipulation. Greene sheds light on how self-awareness of these traits can lead to positive outcomes such as converting envy into motivation and channeling narcissistic drives into productive pursuits.

The conversation explores navigating power dynamics, both in personal relationships and professional success. Greene advises strategically tailoring one's approach based on social circumstances. He shares insights on finding purpose, developing resilience through reframing failures, and balancing self-reflection with action. Greene also addresses the modern challenges posed by technology, social media, and unhealthy distractions, and offers perspectives on overcoming such pitfalls.

The Manipulation Expert: Most People Don't Realise They're Narcissists! You're Setting Your Child Up For Misery!

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The Manipulation Expert: Most People Don't Realise They're Narcissists! You're Setting Your Child Up For Misery!

1-Page Summary

Human Nature and Self-Awareness

Robert Greene acknowledges that all humans possess narcissistic and manipulative tendencies. Steven Bartlett shares his own "dark side" insecurities, suggesting embracing these traits can lead to productive rather than destructive outcomes. Greene advocates converting envy into "mitfreude" - finding joy in others' success. He explains that manipulating to get desired outcomes is natural from childhood, but self-awareness is key to using these tendencies advantageously. Greene distinguishes between problematic "deep narcissists" and "healthy narcissists" like Steve Jobs who channel their egos into creative work benefiting humanity.

Using "Laws of Power" Strategically

Greene discusses the "law of the jungle" - allowing others to take credit for your work. He advises applying power laws based on position and situation. Bartlett shares an example of someone whose reputation suffered for seeking public credit.

Leveraging Appearances for Influence

Greene compares power dynamics to psychological judgments in sports. He describes how powerful people are often hired for optics and political skills over performance. Appearing restrained and controlling speech projects authority. Nonverbal cues like body language impact authority perception. Greene advises acting boldly to gain admiration and inspire confidence.

Personal Growth, Purpose, and Overcoming Obstacles

Finding Your Calling

Greene empathizes with youth struggling to discover purpose amidst modern distractions. He advocates self-reflection to uncover childhood passions. For those unsatisfied in their careers, Greene suggests exploring new fields through education.

Balancing Reflection and Action

Greene cautions against paralysis from over-planning, emphasizing success comes from doing and failure. Bartlett stresses focusing on one area before diversifying. Both highlight the importance of bold action.

Developing Resilience

Greene discusses mastering emotions by reframing failures as learning opportunities and maintaining motivation from emotions while controlling outbursts. He shares how self-encouragement and external support helped overcome his own suicidal period.

Social Media and Isolation

Bartlett cites rising youth loneliness and anxiety from online social comparisons. Greene views social media as amplifying envy, powerlessness and aimlessness while hindering social skills development.

Resisting High-[restricted term] Distractions

Greene explains activities like pornography prevent being present and undermine human connection. He compares addiction to pornography and social media's engaging algorithms. Bartlett references studies on pornography's prevalence impacting romantic relationships and motivation levels.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While embracing dark side insecurities might lead to productive outcomes, it could also risk reinforcing negative behaviors if not managed properly.
  • The concept of "mitfreude" may not be easily attainable for everyone, and some individuals may struggle with envy despite their best efforts.
  • The idea that all humans are naturally manipulative from childhood could be challenged by theories of human behavior that emphasize empathy and cooperation as innate tendencies.
  • The distinction between "deep narcissists" and "healthy narcissists" might oversimplify a complex spectrum of narcissistic behavior and its impact on others.
  • The effectiveness of applying power laws strategically can vary greatly depending on cultural contexts and personal ethics.
  • Hiring powerful people for optics and political skills over performance might not always lead to the best outcomes for organizations or society.
  • The emphasis on bold action and authority might not account for situations where humility, collaboration, and listening are more effective.
  • The advice to focus on one area before diversifying could be counterproductive for individuals who thrive on a polymath approach or who need to pivot due to changing circumstances.
  • The notion that success comes from doing and failure might not acknowledge the systemic barriers that prevent some individuals from having the same opportunities to succeed through action.
  • The idea that social media inherently amplifies negative emotions and hinders social skills development may not consider the positive aspects of connectivity and community building that it can also provide.
  • The impact of pornography on romantic relationships and motivation levels is a complex issue that may not be solely negative for all individuals and could depend on the context and nature of consumption.

Actionables

  • You can journal about a recent success of someone else to transform feelings of envy into genuine happiness for them. Write down what you admire about their achievement and how it can inspire your own goals, turning envy into a positive force that motivates rather than diminishes your self-worth.
  • Develop a habit of pausing before reacting to emotionally charged situations to better master your emotions. When you feel a strong emotion, take a deep breath and count to ten, using that time to consider the most constructive response rather than acting on impulse.
  • Create a "bold action" plan for a personal project or goal that you've been hesitant to start. Break down the goal into small, manageable steps and set deadlines for each. Commit to taking one step each week, regardless of the outcome, to cultivate a habit of taking action and learning from both successes and failures.

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The Manipulation Expert: Most People Don't Realise They're Narcissists! You're Setting Your Child Up For Misery!

Human Nature and Self-Awareness

The discussion led by Robert Greene and Steven Bartlett delves into the intricacies of human narcissism and the need for self-awareness, acknowledging the shadows within and learning to use them constructively.

Accepting Our Narcissistic Tendencies and Dark Side

Robert Greene recognizes that all humans possess some degree of narcissism and manipulativeness, suggesting that these traits can be utilized productively rather than being viewed only as negative. Steven Bartlett divulges his "dark side," including feelings of insecurity, shame, and a yearning to belong, which he credits as a driving force behind his achievements.

Embracing Your Manipulative, Self-Absorbed Side Can Be Productive

Bartlett describes how embracing our less desirable traits can be harnessed for productive outcomes rather than destructive ones. He recounts a conversation with an entrepreneur who used shame and embarrassment from their past as motivation for success. Admitting to these feelings is a crucial step towards progress, with Greene and Bartlett highlighting the productive power of envy and the motivation it can provoke when channeled constructively.

Greene discusses the transformative process of converting envy into emulation, advocating for the positive engagement with successes of others through "mitfreude"—feeling happiness for others' accomplishments. This, he suggests, can be practiced by pretending, or acting "as-if," until the emotion becomes authentic.

Furthermore, Greene points out our inherent attraction to topics that revolve around us, demonstrating our natural self-centric nature. This ranges from everyday situations where our interest peaks upon personal mentions, to observing self-absorbed traits in even the most revered leaders.

The Difference Between "Deep Narcissists" and "Healthy Narcissists"

Problematic Deep Narci ...

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Human Nature and Self-Awareness

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Counterarguments

  • While embracing less desirable traits can lead to productive outcomes, it can also risk reinforcing negative behaviors if not carefully managed.
  • The idea that all humans are narcissistic and manipulative to some degree may be an overgeneralization and does not account for the wide spectrum of individual differences.
  • The concept of "healthy narcissism" is controversial, as some psychologists argue that narcissism is inherently a pathological trait and that the term "healthy narcissism" is a misnomer.
  • The notion that envy can be transformed into emulation might not be applicable to everyone, as some individuals may struggle with envy in ways that cannot be easily redirected into positive motivation.
  • The practice of "mitfreude" may not be achievable for everyone, especially for those dealing with deep-seated emotional issues or mental health conditions that affect their ability to feel happiness for others.
  • The emphasis on self-awareness as a tool for personal development may overlook the role of external factors, such as social support and environmental influences, in an individual's growth.
  • The distinction between "deep narcissists" and "healthy narcissists" may oversimplify ...

Actionables

  • You can start a "Narcissism to Altruism" journal where you reflect on daily experiences through the lens of self-awareness and empathy. Each day, write down instances where you noticed your own narcissistic traits and how you could redirect these impulses to help others. For example, if you felt envious of a colleague's success, note how that could motivate you to volunteer your skills to a team project, turning envy into a force for collective achievement.
  • Develop a "Constructive Envy" habit by identifying someone you envy and listing the qualities or achievements you admire. Instead of harboring resentment, set small, achievable goals to develop similar skills or accomplishments in your own life. If you envy a friend's public speaking ability, you might set a goal to speak up more in meetings or join a local Toastmasters club to hone your skills.
  • Create a "Mitfreude Map" whe ...

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The Manipulation Expert: Most People Don't Realise They're Narcissists! You're Setting Your Child Up For Misery!

Navigating Power Dynamics and Social/Professional Success

Robert Greene and guests such as Steven Bartlett discuss the intricate balance of exercising the "Laws of Power" without becoming a manipulator and how to leverage personal demeanor to achieve success.

Using "Laws of Power" Without Becoming a Manipulator

Greene talks about the law, "let others do the work but take the credit," sharing his own Hollywood experience where his contributions to a screenplay were never credited. This industry practice is what he calls "the law of the jungle." When Greene realized he wasn't credited, he got upset but chose not to act, reflecting that a wiser approach would have been to accept this as part of the game. Greene advises applying the laws of power based on position; as an underling, taking credit could backfire.

Steven Bartlett relates to his discussion, mentioning a company team member whose reputation suffered for complaining about not receiving public credit. Bartlett also gives credit to an investor's advice, focusing on building deep skills by concentrating on one task, and Greene debates whether narcissistic traits found in successful individuals lead to professional success, advising that one mustn't let feelings of inferiority internalize.

Choosing When to Outmaneuver or Defer With Self-Awareness and Purpose

Greene suggests choosing when to outmaneuver someone or to remain composed and defer, depending on the situation. He also talks about strategic decision-making in response to workplace injustice. If necessary, one must stay in a toxic job environment, focusing on their own performance. Alternatively, showing that unethical behavior has consequences through a "deterrent strategy" is essential. One must choose their response based on what is best for them, whether that means quitting, outperforming, or demonstrating that they cannot be targeted easily.

Greene discusses the psyhchology behind powerful people using appearance and everyone having a dark side for their success.

Leveraging Appearances, Posturing, and Communication to Gain Influence

Powerful People Value Body Language, Restraint, and Authority

Greene compares power to sports, emphasizing that unlike sports, power dynamics are based on psychological judgments rather than clear metrics. He uses Trump's election as an example of how decisions are often based on appearances.

Greene discusses how powerful people such as CEOs are often hired based on their optics and political skills rather than their performance track record and advise the Democratic Party to showcase strength and confidence even if it means upsetting some groups.

Greene also discusses the significance of speaking less, as a person who controls their speech projects power since being talkative is seen as lacking self-control. Speaking less frequently but with an impact can command a room's attention—this was exemplified by 50 Cent in meetings.

Management of one's appearances—whether strategically allowing others to take credit or pre ...

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Navigating Power Dynamics and Social/Professional Success

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Counterarguments

  • The idea that one should "let others do the work but take the credit" can be seen as inherently unethical and could foster a toxic work environment where collaboration and teamwork are undervalued.
  • The notion that narcissistic traits may lead to professional success could be challenged by arguing that long-term success is more sustainable when built on genuine collaboration, empathy, and ethical leadership.
  • The strategy of staying in a toxic job environment to focus on one's own performance might not be the healthiest advice for all individuals, as it could lead to burnout or mental health issues.
  • The emphasis on appearances and body language might oversimplify the complexity of power dynamics and ignore the importance of substantive knowledge, expertise, and ethical behavior in professional success.
  • The advice to speak less to project power could be counterproductive in situations where clear communication and active engagement are necessary for effective leadership and decision-making.
  • The suggestion that women need to "act like a king to be treated like one" could be criticized for placing the onus on women to adapt to a male-dominated power structure rather than advocating for systemic change to address gender biases.
  • The encouragement of boldness and darin ...

Actionables

  • You can practice restraint in conversations by setting a goal to speak only after three other people have contributed, which helps you listen more and speak with more impact. By doing this, you'll learn to value the quality of your contributions over the quantity, and others may perceive you as more thoughtful and powerful when you do choose to speak.
  • Develop your nonverbal communication skills by recording yourself in a mock meeting or presentation, then reviewing the footage to observe and improve your body language. Focus on maintaining an open posture, making steady eye contact, and using purposeful gestures to project confidence and authority.
  • Create a personal "boldness challenge" where ...

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The Manipulation Expert: Most People Don't Realise They're Narcissists! You're Setting Your Child Up For Misery!

Personal Growth, Purpose, and Overcoming Obstacles

Robert Greene and Steven Bartlett delve into the essence of finding one's true calling and the importance of resilience and emotional control in navigating life's challenges.

Finding Your True Calling and Life's Task

Today's Youth: Looking Inward to Discover Purpose

Greene recognizes that many young people are confused about their life's task due to the complexity of modern times, especially with distractions like technology and social media. These distractions pull them away from necessary self-reflection and self-awareness, leaving them estranged from their unique purpose. He empathizes with their plight, having experienced similar confusion in his 20s. To mitigate the torment of feeling without a meaningful direction, Greene suggests a journey of self-discovery must be undertaken, urging young people to resist cultural influences and think deeply about their personal interests. This search is akin to archaeological work, where one digs into their past to discover their true passions and aversions.

Greene speaks to individuals around age 30 who are unhappy in their current job situations, advising them to carve out time to explore new fields and consider further education, like night school, as a step toward change. The importance of self-reflection is paramount in this process, as individuals are encouraged to resist the noise of others and reconnect with passions present since childhood.

Balancing Reflection and Action: Avoiding Paralysis Through Over-Planning

Success Comes From Doing and Failing, Not Just Contemplation

Greene warns against the desire to live solely in a world of possibilities that inhibit growth and real skill-building. He suggests that success and learning come from doing and failing, rather than mere contemplation. In-action can be due to a fear of success and the responsibilities that come with it. Taking purposeful action, even if it means failure, can lead to admiration and success, as illustrated by Greene through the example of a magazine called "Bad Ideas."

Bartlett outlines the allure for many people to believe the grass is greener on the other side, necessitating a focus on building a strong foundation in one area before diversification. Greene and Bartlett stress the importance of bold actions in pursuit of dreams and goals, with Greene reminding that skill development through hands-on experience is more valuable than immediate financial rewards.

Developing Emotional Control and Resilience to Navigate Challenges

Emotional Mastery Key to Decision-Making and Avoiding Self-Sabotage

Greene discusses the importance of developing a thick skin to survive in the cruel aspects of the world. He underscores experiences of actors who face constant rejection, noting that their resilience stems from not internalizing failure as personal unworthiness. Instead, they learn from past mistakes and proceed to the next opportunity with emotional toughness.

To ...

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Personal Growth, Purpose, and Overcoming Obstacles

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Counterarguments

  • While self-reflection is important, some individuals may find their purpose through external experiences and interactions rather than inward contemplation.
  • The idea that young people are confused due to modern distractions may overlook the fact that every generation faces unique challenges and distractions; confusion about life's purpose is not exclusive to the modern era.
  • The emphasis on individualism in finding one's true calling may not account for the importance of community and collective values in some cultures.
  • The notion that success comes from doing and failing might not consider that strategic planning and risk assessment can also play significant roles in achieving success.
  • The concept of emotional control as a sign of true masculinity could reinforce gender stereotypes and overlook the value of emotional expression as a strength.
  • The advice to exaggerate one's part in mistakes for learning might not be suitable for individuals with tendencies towards excessive self-criticism or low self-esteem.
  • The focus on personal achievements to build self-confidence may not address the need for intrinsic self-worth that is independent of external accomplishments.
  • The idea that resilience ...

Actionables

  • You can create a 'Life's Task Map' by drawing a timeline of your life and marking key moments when you felt most engaged or disengaged with what you were doing. Reflect on these moments to identify patterns in your interests and aversions, which can guide you toward understanding your unique purpose.
  • Start a 'Failure Resume' to document and analyze your past failures, not for dwelling on them but to extract lessons and identify areas for emotional growth. This can help you develop resilience by reframing failures as stepping stones rather than setbacks.
  • Develop a 'Skill-Building Side Project' that aligns with a personal interest ...

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The Manipulation Expert: Most People Don't Realise They're Narcissists! You're Setting Your Child Up For Misery!

Impact of Tech and Cultural Trends on Individuals

Steven Bartlett and Robert Greene discuss the paradoxical effects of technological and social media advancements on the individual, highlighting concerns about increased loneliness, aimlessness, and the potential negative impact on personal growth and social skills.

How Social Media Intensifies Loneliness and Aimlessness

Social Isolation and Online Comparison Hinder Personal Growth

Steven Bartlett mentions people, especially youths, are reporting higher levels of loneliness, comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. He points out that many young people live alone, feeling lonely and without support in times of crisis. Young women, in particular, are struggling with anxiety heightened by social media comparisons.

Robert Greene sees social media as taking us away from our intrinsic social nature. Overuse can lead to feelings of emptiness and disconnection, making it seem like we are not behaving as true humans. He also contends that social media amplifies a sense of helplessness and powerlessness, making the present moment more dangerous than past periods of chaos.

Greene advises against paying too much attention to social media as it can lead to social isolation and stunt personal growth. He describes social media platforms as creating false appearances, leading to envy that can mislead individuals. He terms social media a "nuclear bomb of envy," explaining how it can exacerbate feelings of jealousy and loneliness.

Additionally, Greene critiques the current cultural aimlessness for not providing essential skills or a sense of purpose and direction. He emphasizes the decline in social skills since swiping on dating apps doesn't build social muscles as face-to-face interactions do. As a result, the deterioration of social skills furthers loneliness.

Robert Greene recommends interpersonal interactions over virtual experiences and compares improving one's social abilities to working out in a gym. He warns of the dangers of isolation due to electronic devices, citing one of his "laws" about the perils of being cut off from valuable information, allies, and opportunities.

Greene distinguishes between the positive solitude and the detrimental loneliness heightened by an inability to be without a phone. He suggests that one must experience solitude to turn inward and figure out their uniqueness, which is hindered by the constant pull of technology and social media.

Resist the Pull of High-[restricted term] Distractions

Pornography and Social Media Overuse Dulls Motivation and Physical Connection

Steven Bartlett discusses the unintentional encounter with explicit content on social media and the increase in addiction, which includes chemical addictions and addictions to social media. Robert Greene explains that being overly engaged in activities such as watching pornography or social media use prevents us from being fully present in the world and undermines meaningful human connection. He suggests these high-[restricted term] distractions can dull motivation and inhibit the formation of tangible connections.

Greene also touches on the pervasiveness of envy generated by social media in every aspect of life, including politics. The implication is that distractions from social media can reduce the drive for meaningful endeavors and genuine human connections. Though the provided content does not specifically mention how high-[restricted term] activities affect motivation and connection, the overarch ...

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Impact of Tech and Cultural Trends on Individuals

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Clarifications

  • The comparison of loneliness levels to smoking 15 cigarettes a day is a way to illustrate the significant negative impact of loneliness on one's health. Research has shown that chronic loneliness can have detrimental effects on physical and mental well-being, comparable to the health risks associated with smoking. This comparison helps emphasize the seriousness of loneliness as a public health concern and highlights the urgency of addressing social isolation for overall health and quality of life.
  • Robert Greene, a well-known author on human behavior and power dynamics, often presents "laws" in his books that are principles or observations about human nature and social dynamics. In this context, Greene's mention of the perils of being cut off from valuable information, allies, and opportunities underscores the importance of social connections and networking in personal and professional growth. These "laws" serve as cautionary guidelines to highlight the risks and consequences of isolation and emphasize the significance of maintaining relationships and staying connected to resources that can aid in one's advancement and success.
  • Positive solitude is the state of being alone and content, allowing for self-reflection and personal growth. On the other hand, detrimental loneliness is a negative feeling of isolation and disconnection, often exacerbated by excessive reliance on technology like phones. The inability to be without a phone can prevent individuals from experiencing beneficial solitude, leading to increased feelings of loneliness and a lack of genuine human connection. It's essential to strike a balance between using technology and embracing moments of solitude for introspection and self-discovery.
  • High-[restricted term] distractions, like social media and pornography, trigger the release of [restricted term] in the brain, creating a pleasurable sensation. Overindulgence in these activities can lead to desensitization of [restricted term] receptors, requiring more stimulation to feel the same level of pleasure. This desensitization can diminish motivation for real-life activities ...

Counterarguments

  • Social media can foster community and connection for individuals who are isolated geographically or socially.
  • Online platforms can provide support groups and forums where people find solace and understanding that they may not find in their immediate environment.
  • Social media can be a tool for personal growth, offering access to educational resources, diverse perspectives, and inspiration.
  • The use of dating apps and online interactions can enhance social skills by allowing people to connect with a wider range of individuals than they might in person.
  • Technology can enable meaningful human connections, such as long-distance relationships, through video calls and messaging.
  • Social media can be a platform for positive social change and activism, giving voice to marginalized communities and facilitating collective action.
  • The impact of pornography on relationships and intimacy can vary greatly among individuals, and some may not experience the negative effects described.
  • High-[restricted term] activities are not inherently harmful and can be part of a balanced lifestyle when engaged with in moderation.
  • The concept of "frying" [restricted term] receptors is a simplification and does not accurately reflect the complexity of neurochemical processes in the brain.
  • Personal responsibility and self-regulation play a significant role in how indiv ...

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