Podcasts > The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett > The Relationship Therapist: "This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce!", "Men Should Not Split The Bill", "80% Of Women Want Men Over 6ft When Only 15% Are 6ft!"

The Relationship Therapist: "This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce!", "Men Should Not Split The Bill", "80% Of Women Want Men Over 6ft When Only 15% Are 6ft!"

By Steven Bartlett

Explore the intricate tapestry of modern relationships and personal transformation with Steven Bartlett as he engages with therapist Lori Gottlieb on "The Diary Of A CEO." Gottlieb uncovers the immense value of connections for mental and physical wellbeing, and how the absence of close bonds can lead to significant health deterioration. She delves into the power of being truly heard, revealing how sharing emotional experiences can combat isolation and foster personal progress. Furthermore, she presents insightful perspectives on deciphering dreams as a way to unearth and address our concealed fears and emotions.

The discussion navigates the evolving terrain of contemporary romance, highlighting the complexities of shifting gender roles and the impact of technology on social interaction. Gottlieb addresses how the mirage of endless partner choice set by dating apps skews our expectations, creating a landscape where superficial criteria too often eclipse the core qualities critical for long-term relationship success. They also explore essential strategies for cultivating and preserving strong partnerships, emphasizing the importance of timely communication, resilience, and daily affirmations of affection to uphold the foundation of a loving relationship. Through Gottlieb's professional insights, the podcast becomes a guiding light for listeners seeking to nurture meaningful connections and to live intentionally, minimizing regrets by staying true to their values.

The Relationship Therapist: "This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce!", "Men Should Not Split The Bill", "80% Of Women Want Men Over 6ft When Only 15% Are 6ft!"

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The Relationship Therapist: "This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce!", "Men Should Not Split The Bill", "80% Of Women Want Men Over 6ft When Only 15% Are 6ft!"

1-Page Summary

Connections as Essential for Wellbeing

Connections are crucial for mental and physical wellbeing, as emphasized by Lori Gottlieb. They provide emotional nourishment vital for health, shown by the severe impacts on babies in orphanages lacking affection—some fail to thrive or even die. Heartbreak from lost connections results in deep grief, which is often underestimated by others. Feeling understood by someone who listens to our emotional experiences meets an essential need to feel normal and not alone, helping to reduce shame and enable progress. Writing down and analyzing dreams can reveal hidden fears and feelings, offering insight for positive change and greater vitality in life.

Modern relationship challenges

Modern relationships face numerous challenges. Shifting gender roles cause confusion and require new understandings of masculinity and safety within relationships. Technology alters social connections, often leading to isolation and diminishing in-person social skills. A false sense of vulnerability is prevalent on social media, whereas true vulnerability requires the risk of being judged in person. The illusion of endless partner options, fueled by dating apps, raises unrealistic expectations and hinders satisfaction, as illustrated by studies revealing high physical appearance standards and the expectation of partners to fulfill all emotional needs. Successful career women over 30 face difficulties finding partners with equal levels of success, often due to societal pressure to date men who earn more, resulting in a dating pool mismatch and altered power dynamics in relationships.

Keys to relationship success

For success in long-term relationships, choosing a partner based on daily life compatibility is more critical than chemistry. It is vital to have reasonable standards focusing on deeper qualities like kindness and emotional generosity. Regular small caring gestures are fundamental to fostering a positive balance and create a strong emotional bond. These gestures provide resilience for the relationship amid conflicts. Overall, enduring partnerships thrive on mutual respect, understanding, and daily affirmative actions.

Change principles

Addressing issues before they become entrenched, like wet cement hardening, is essential for managing change, as explained by Gottlieb. Early concerns should be raised to assess flexibility and willingness to adapt. Acknowledging that setbacks occur helps to prevent old problems from becoming fixed, and self-compassion is more effective than self-criticism for encouraging positive change post-setback. Living with intention and minimizing future regret are vital, implying one should lead a life aligned with personal values to avoid profound regrets later. Gottlieb would embrace her son if faced with limited time, suggesting she lives true to her values without the necessity for drastic changes.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Living with intention to minimize future regret means making conscious choices and decisions aligned with your values and long-term goals. By being mindful and deliberate in your actions, you aim to reduce the chances of feeling remorse or disappointment later on. This approach involves considering the potential consequences of your choices and prioritizing what truly matters to you to lead a more fulfilling and purposeful life. It emphasizes the importance of taking proactive steps today to create a future that you will be proud of and satisfied with.

Counterarguments

  • While connections are crucial for wellbeing, some individuals may find solace in solitude and may not experience the same degree of negative effects from a lack of social connections.
  • The severe impacts on babies in orphanages may not solely be due to lack of connections; other factors such as malnutrition and poor healthcare can also contribute to their plight.
  • While heartbreak can result in deep grief, not everyone experiences or processes loss in the same way, and some may recover more quickly or with less distress.
  • Feeling understood is important, but some individuals may find equal or greater value in self-reliance and introspection without the need for external validation.
  • Dream analysis can be insightful, but it is not universally accepted as a reliable method for understanding hidden fears and feelings, as dreams can be highly subjective and open to interpretation.
  • Shifting gender roles can indeed cause confusion, but they can also lead to more equitable relationships and a broader acceptance of diverse family structures.
  • Technology's impact on social connections is complex; for some, it provides opportunities to connect with like-minded individuals and maintain long-distance relationships.
  • The concept of true vulnerability is subjective, and some individuals may find that sharing online allows them to open up in ways they cannot do in person.
  • Dating apps may create an illusion of endless options, but they also provide opportunities for people to meet who otherwise might not have crossed paths.
  • Successful career women over 30 may face difficulties in finding partners, but this is not a universal experience, and some may prioritize different attributes in partners or choose to remain single.
  • Compatibility in daily life is important, but so is chemistry; both elements can contribute to the success of a long-term relationship.
  • While focusing on deeper qualities is important, physical attraction and other less tangible factors also play a role in relationship satisfaction.
  • Regular small caring gestures are important, but they must be coupled with other factors like effective communication and shared values for a positive relationship.
  • Mutual respect and understanding are key, but enduring partnerships also require ongoing effort, compromise, and sometimes professional help to navigate challenges.
  • Addressing issues early is generally good advice, but some issues may require time to fully understand or may resolve on their own without immediate intervention.
  • While acknowledging setbacks is helpful, some individuals may benefit from a more analytical approach to problem-solving rather than simply accepting setbacks.
  • Self-compassion is beneficial, but in some cases, self-criticism can be a motivating factor for change when balanced with self-awareness.
  • Living with intention is important, but some people may find that being open to unexpected opportunities or changes in direction can lead to fulfilling lives.
  • Leading a life aligned with personal values is ideal, but individuals may also experience growth and fulfillment by exploring new values and adapting their life goals over time.

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The Relationship Therapist: "This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce!", "Men Should Not Split The Bill", "80% Of Women Want Men Over 6ft When Only 15% Are 6ft!"

Connections as Essential for Wellbeing

Connections and a sense of belonging are not just beneficial to our emotional health, according to Lori Gottlieb, but they are fundamental to our mental and physical wellbeing.

Why connections and belonging are fundamental needs

Connections are necessary as they lead to both physical and mental wellbeing. Without these connections, individuals can feel alone, which is a significant detriment to one's health. Gottlieb underlines the importance of emotional nourishment from a community, including extended family and those who have known us since youth, to sustain this wellbeing.

Babies will fail to thrive and die without affection

Gottlieb draws on studies of babies in orphanages who, despite having their physical needs met, fail to thrive or even died without affection. These cases illustrate that, even from an early age, human beings require emotional connections to live and develop fully.

Heartbreak when connections are severed

When connections are severed, people often grieve not only the present but also the loss of the future they had imagined. Gottlieb points out that friends and family often fail to recognize the depth of this loss or the importance of sitting with someone in their grief. She illustrates the fear of becoming attached and ultimately confronting fears of being unlovable if a relationship ends.

Feeling understood meets deep need to not feel alone or abnormal

Having someone listen and understand our emotional experiences can fulfill our deep need to feel normal and not alone. Sharing problems and feelings reduces shame and enables individuals to move forward in positive ways. Gottlieb emphasizes the profound impact of heartb ...

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Connections as Essential for Wellbeing

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Writing down dreams and analyzing them can provide insights into our subconscious thoughts, fears, and desires. Dreams often contain symbolic representations of our emotions and unresolved issues. By recording dreams in the present tense upon waking, individuals can uncover patterns and themes that may be influencing their waking life. This practice can help individuals address underlying concerns and promote personal growth and self-awareness.
  • Online sharing can sometimes lack the depth and intimacy that face-to-face interactions provide, as digital communication may feel more detached and less personal. In-person connections often involve non-verbal cues, physical touch, and shared experiences that can foster deeper emotional bonds compared to ...

Counterarguments

  • While connections are important, some individuals may find solace and wellbeing in solitude, suggesting that the need for connections can vary greatly among people.
  • Emotional nourishment can also come from within or through self-sufficiency, challenging the idea that it must always come from a community or external sources.
  • The resilience of some individuals who thrive despite limited social connections suggests that there are alternative pathways to mental and physical wellbeing.
  • The grieving process is highly individual, and some people may find strength and growth in the absence of connections or after their severance.
  • There is a risk of overemphasizing the role of community to the point where it could undermine the importance of developing personal coping strategies and resilience.
  • The effectiveness of dream analysis is debated within the psychological community, and not all experts agree on its benefits or relevance to addressing underlying issues.
  • The emphasis on in-person connections may overlook the value and potential depth of online relationships, especially for those with accessibility issues or who find it challenging to make in-person connections.
  • The concept of not feeling alon ...

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The Relationship Therapist: "This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce!", "Men Should Not Split The Bill", "80% Of Women Want Men Over 6ft When Only 15% Are 6ft!"

Modern relationship challenges

As society evolves, new and increasingly complex dynamics are impacting how people form and maintain romantic relationships. Examining the insights from Bartlett and Gottlieb, it becomes apparent that a myriad of factors are contributing to these modern dating dilemmas.

Shifting gender roles create confusion

In a world where traditional gender roles continually shift, men are in a position where they seek to redefine what it means to be masculine. They strive to create safety and avoid conflict within their relationships, often requiring open and earnest discussions with their partners about mutual needs and expectations. This transformation is not straightforward and contributes to tensions and misunderstandings between partners.

Technology changes social connections

Technology has undoubtedly altered social connections, making people feel isolated despite being digitally "connected" to a vast network of acquaintances. As in-person relating skills diminish due to reliance on digital communication, the distinction between genuine friendships and textual interactions becomes blurred.

True vulnerability requires courage

Gottlieb highlights the false sense of vulnerability seen on social media platforms; it garners likes and comments but doesn't equate to the courage required to be genuinely open. Real vulnerability involves the risk of changing how others perceive and love us—it's showing our uncomfortable truths face-to-face.

Dating sites create illusion of endless options

The advent of dating sites and apps has presented singles with an illusion of endless potential partners, thus raising expectations to an unrealistic level. This has led to a focus shift from simple enjoyment of one's company to an endless quest for "the absolute best." Consequently, minor issues or differences can unjustly disqualify promising relationships, as people judge their dates harshly in pursuit of an ideal.

An eHarmony study illustrates this by showing that physical appearance deal breakers are common among 40% of single people. Match.com's research further underscores the notion of excessive expectations, with 50% of singles anticipating that their partner will fulfill all their emotional needs.

This abundance of choice leads singles to continue their search for a seemingly better partner even after an enjoyable date, driven by the belief that something more perfect exists. Lori Gottlieb discusses Barry Schwartz's paradox of choice which reveals that too many options can lead to anxiety and dissatisfaction, a phenomenon directly applicable to the modern dating scene.

Lori Gottlieb also contrasts "satisficers" who have high standards but are content with their choices, against "maximizers" who can't help but wonder if something better is out there—even when they have found a seemingly ideal match, they are less satisfied.

Successful career women over 30 struggle to find partners

The discussion turns to professional women over 30, who often aspire to find partners of equal success. These women face the conundrum of ...

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Modern relationship challenges

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • "Satisficers" are individuals with high standards who are content with choices that meet their criteria, even if they are not the absolute best. In contrast, "maximizers" are individuals who constantly seek the best option, fearing they might miss out on something better, leading to dissatisfaction and indecision. Satisficers tend to make decisions more efficiently and are generally happier with their choices, while maximizers often experience regret and second-guessing. This concept is often applied in the context of dating, where maximizers may struggle to commit to a partner out of fear that there might be a better match out there.
  • Barry Schwartz's paradox of choice suggests that having too many options can lead to decision paralysis, anxiety, and dissatisfaction. When faced with an abundance of choices, individuals may struggle to make decisions and feel less satisfied with their final choice. This phenomenon is particularly relevant in the context of modern dating, where the perception of endless options can hinder the formation of meaningful relationships. Schwartz's theory underscores how an excess of choices can negatively impact well-being and contentment.
  • Professional women over 30 often face challenges in finding partners due to societal expectations, career aspirations, and shifting gender dynamics. The pressure to seek partners of equal success, combined with a scarcity of men with similar education levels, can create a mismatch in the dating pool. Additionally, successful men may not always align with the nurturing role desired by high-achieving women, leading to further complexities in forming relationships. These dynamics can impact power dynamics a ...

Counterarguments

  • While men may be redefining masculinity, it's also possible that these tensions and misunderstandings are part of a broader cultural transition that affects both genders, not just men.
  • Technology may blur lines, but it also provides new opportunities for connection and can enhance social skills in different contexts.
  • Some individuals may find that online vulnerability can be a stepping stone to in-person openness, and that digital courage can translate to real-life situations.
  • Dating sites might create an illusion of endless options, but they also provide access to a wider pool of potential partners that wouldn't be possible otherwise.
  • Harsh judgment of partners may not be due to the pursuit of an ideal match but rather a reflection of individuals' clearer understanding of their own needs and deal-breakers.
  • The paradox of choice can lead to anxiety, but it also empowers individuals to make more informed decisions about their relationships.
  • Successful career women over 30 may indeed find it challenging to find partners of equal success, but this could also encourage ...

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The Relationship Therapist: "This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce!", "Men Should Not Split The Bill", "80% Of Women Want Men Over 6ft When Only 15% Are 6ft!"

Keys to relationship success

Sustaining a healthy relationship goes beyond the surface aspects of romance. For a partnership to thrive over time, certain key behaviors and choices are essential.

Choose a partner for positive daily life

While electric chemistry can feel important in the early stages of a relationship, long-lasting couples often emphasize that the secret to enduring love is not always an instant spark. Instead, aligned values and life goals have a more significant role in predicting happiness. While falling in love might feel like destiny, successful relationships frequently hinge on a more practical basis: the everyday compatibility that makes a positive daily life together.

Have reasonable standards

In a world that emphasizes glamour and often pushes unrealistic ideals of love, maintaining reasonable standards can be crucial for relationship success. Experts suggest that focusing on a partner's character and virtue is more valuable than superficial traits that fade over time. Qualities like flexibility, kindness, and emotional generosity are the traits that truly contribute to the fabric of a strong, supportive relationship. By valuing these deeper attributes, couples can forge stronger connections grounded in mutual respect and understanding.

Make regular small caring gestures

The importance of small, caring gestures cannot be overstated in relationships. Consistent li ...

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Keys to relationship success

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • "Aligned values and life goals" in choosing a partner means selecting someone whose fundamental beliefs, priorities, and aspirations match yours. It involves finding a partner who shares similar views on important aspects like family, career, religion, and lifestyle choices. When partners have aligned values and life goals, they are more likely to navigate challenges together harmoniously and support each other's growth. This compatibility forms a strong foundation for a lasting and fulfilling relationship.
  • Maintaining "reasonable standards" in a relationship involves setting practical expectations for your partner based on their character and virtues rather than superficial qualities. It means valuing qualities ...

Counterarguments

  • While aligned values and life goals are important, some argue that maintaining a sense of individuality and having diverse interests can also enrich a relationship and provide balance.
  • Practical compatibility is key, but some believe that maintaining a sense of romance and passion is equally important for a long-lasting relationship.
  • Reasonable standards are subjective, and what is considered reasonable can vary greatly between individuals and cultures.
  • Focusing on character and virtue is important, but some people may prioritize other qualities such as ambition, intelligence, or a sense of humor.
  • Small caring gestures are significant, but they should not be a substitute for addressing larger issues in the relationship that may require more substantial communication and problem-solving.
  • The recommendation of a ...

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The Relationship Therapist: "This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce!", "Men Should Not Split The Bill", "80% Of Women Want Men Over 6ft When Only 15% Are 6ft!"

Change principles

Lori Gottlieb draws on metaphors and personal experiences to convey key principles in managing change effectively.

Alter path before cement hardens

Addressing issues early on in any facet of life prevents problems from becoming entrenched and difficult to change. Gottlieb uses the metaphor of cement to describe relationships, signifying that it is simpler to alter behaviors and patterns before they solidify. She recommends bringing up concerns early in a relationship to test for flexibility and a willingness to improve, such as correcting punctuality if one partner is consistently late. Likewise, limiting the time spent ruminating on heartbreak to just 30 minutes a day can prevent such thoughts from becoming entrenched, leaving the rest of the day for healthier mental engagements.

Expect backward steps in growth

Regrowth isn't linear, and backward steps are part of the journey. Gottlieb acknowledges that slipping back into old habits, like contacting an ex during a moment of loneliness, is typical during the process of change. Instead of dwelling on the regression, she stresses acknowledging the slip-up and devising a coping strategy to avoid repeating it.

Self-compassion enables getting back on track

  • Gottlieb suggests that instead of self-flagellation, acknowledging the challenge of change and showing kindness to oneself is a more effective method for course correction. This self-compassion acts as a motivational force for getting back on the right path after setbacks.

Blame and attacking fail to motivate change

  • Comparing self-criticism to the unproductive tactic of scolding a child for bad grades, Gottlieb implies that blame and attack do not encourage better performance or lead to change. In both scenarios, a supportive and und ...

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Change principles

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • The metaphor of cement to describe relationships suggests that behaviors and patterns in relationships can become fixed and difficult to change once they solidify, just like how cement hardens over time. By addressing issues early on, before they become entrenched like hardened cement, it is easier to modify and improve the dynamics within a relationship. This metaphor emphasizes the importance of proactive communication and addressing concerns promptly to maintain flexibility and prevent problems from becoming deeply ingrained.
  • Self-compassion as a motivational force means treating oneself with kindness and understanding when facing setbacks or challenges. Instead of harsh self-criticism, self-compassion involves acknowledging difficulties and responding with empathy. By nurturing self-compassion, individuals can find the strength and motivation to continue working towards their goals despite obstacles. It serves as a positive and supportive inner voice that encourages resilience and progress.
  • Comparing self-criticism to scolding a child for bad grades: This analogy highlights that using blame and harsh criticism on oneself is counterproductive and ineffective in motivating positive change. Just like scolding a child for poor academic performance may not lead to improvement, harsh self-criticism often hinders progress rather than fostering growth. The comparison emphasizes the importance of adopting a sup ...

Counterarguments

  • Addressing issues early can be beneficial, but it's not always possible or practical; some problems only become apparent over time.
  • Metaphors like cement can oversimplify complex relationship dynamics, which may not always be as rigid as the metaphor suggests.
  • Testing for flexibility in relationships can be constructive, but it can also create tension or conflict if not approached with sensitivity.
  • Limiting time spent on heartbreak is a good strategy for some, but others may need more time to process their emotions, and a strict time limit could be counterproductive.
  • Growth is often non-linear, but emphasizing backward steps might discourage some individuals who are particularly sensitive to perceived failures.
  • While self-compassion is important, some individuals might require external support or professional help to get back on track, not just self-motivation.
  • Supportive approaches are generally more effective, but in some cases, clear boundaries and consequences are necessary to motivate change.
  • Living intentionally to minimize futur ...

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