In a heartfelt exploration of love and partnership on The Daily, Michael Barbaro is joined by Anna Martin and David Finch in a Sunday special that delves into the complexities of marriage when faced with neurodiversity. When Dave, diagnosed with Asperger's, grapples to fathom his wife Kristen’s emotional world, he finds that his quest to understand her needs through rigid "best practices" is an imperfect solution. The struggle between seeking structure and creating emotional harmony becomes a central theme, as the couple navigates the delicate balance between individual happiness and shared connection.
The episode takes a turn as Kristen expresses her desire for an "unmarried" life, prompting the couple to embark on a transformative journey towards personal joy and autonomy. While Kristen revels in her newfound independence, Dave learns through trial and error what it means to let go of expectations and find delight in the moments they share. As they redefine their relationship, the story of their Thanksgiving, free from the fetters of rules and conventions, encapsulates their growth. Through Finch's poignant reflections, listeners discover that the key to relationship depth often lies not in rigidity, but in the celebration of individual contentment that can be joyously brought into partnership.
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Dave, diagnosed with Asperger's, has been trying to understand his wife Kristen better and adapt his behavior to meet her needs. He learns that his brain operates distinctively, craving predictability and struggling to intuitively grasp Kristen's emotional needs. This realization springs from repeated conflict over flexibility in their daily life, such as disruptions to their children's nap schedules , which causes him distress. To mend this, Dave drafts a list of "best practices," attempting to preempt Kristen's needs—guidelines like engaging with their kids and just listening without offering solutions. However, these efforts alone prove insufficient to fully connect with Kristen emotionally.
Kristen confronts Dave with the need to redefine their relationship, expressing her weariness of acting as his emotional caretaker. She declares her intention to become "unmarried," refusing to continue tiptoeing around his moods. Instead, Kristen chooses to prioritize her happiness, indulging in personal well-being activities like coffee dates, journaling, and reading self-help books. Dave, observing Kristen's newfound contentment, attempts to mirror her actions but fails to find the same joy. His efforts to replicate their companionship with friends also fall short.
Dave and Kristen reshape their union to emphasize personal joy and autonomy. Initially puzzled by the concept of being "unmarried," Dave symbolically stops wearing his wedding band in favor of a skull ring and awkwardly introduces Kristen in social situations. While he flounders to enact significant life changes, Kristen thrives in her uncomplicated and pleasure-driven existence. Dave, over time, understands that Kristen's vision of being "unmarried" means seeking separate happiness to enrich their shared moments, diminishing the need for Kristen to manage his moods.
Finch recounts how he manages his anxiety by abandoning his usual need for structure during a Friendsgiving event. His early concerns center around unknowing logistical details, from the celebration itself to the preparation of the turkey. By setting a "no rules" rule for himself, Finch avoids burdening the event and finds comfort in Kristen's presence, ultimately savoring a delightful and stress-free holiday.
Finch reflects on the efficacy of his "best practices," acknowledging that while some were constructive, others remained aspirational and out of reach in practice. Over time, he recognizes that real relationship growth stems from individual contentment, which can be brought into the partnership rather than striving for perfection through a false exterior. This shift in focus calls for personal happiness and sharing that with Kristen, over upholding an unattainable image as the perfect partner.
1-Page Summary
Dave's journey began with panic and frustration but emerged into self-discovery and an attempt to navigate his marriage with Kristen more thoughtfully upon learning he has Asperger's.
The diagnosis came as a revelation after Dave continually found himself lashing out whenever his need for order, such as strictly scheduled nap times, was disrupted. His psychiatrist's diagnosis not only explained his affinity for predictability but also illuminated the challenges his wife Kristen faced when their expected schedule did not match reality.
Dave's mind thrives on predictability, and he found himself in a spiral of panic when the rigid nap schedule of 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. for their children was not met. The discrepancies between expectation and actual events caused him significant distress, which affected those around him.
Dave's Asperger's diagnosis helped explain his inability to intuitively understand and respond to Kristen's emotional needs. This often left Kristen feeling neglected as she had to explicitly state her needs for Dave to comprehend and act upon them, inevitably straining their relationship.
Dave took upon himself to note down rules that could guide him in avoiding past mistakes that frustrated Kristen. This list was Dave’s manual for better relationship navigation.
Dave's Asperger's diagnosis and efforts to understand Kristen's needs
Kristen communicated to Dave a desire to redefine their relationship, requesting to be "unmarried" rather than separated.
During a candid conversation, Kristen expressed her exhaustion with her role in their marriage and her decision to stop managing the energy required to keep Dave in good spirits. This fatigue with her role as an "energy manager" to curb Dave's bad moods marked a turning point in her approach to their relationship.
Kristen resolved to focus on her own well-being instead of constantly preventing potential triggers for Dave's bad moods. She aimed to take a step back from the dynamic where her actions were dictated by the goal of keeping the peace for Dave.
Kristen embarked on a journey to discover her own happiness, which included creating a life for herself outside of the confines of their marriage. She found herself flourishing by pursuing activities that brought her joy and peace.
She began indulging in self-care and personal development pursuits like having long coffee dates with friends, enjoying leisurely strolls, journaling, and diving into self-help books by authors like Brene Brown and Annie Lamott. Through these activities, Kristen felt herself coming alive again.
Kristen telling Dave she wanted to be "unmarried"
Dave and Kristen Finch have redefined their relationship to prioritize personal happiness and independence, shedding traditional marriage roles and expectations.
Dave initially grappled with the shift in their relationship dynamic, uncertain of how to navigate the new definition of being "unmarried."
An outward and symbolic change was Dave ceasing to wear his wedding ring, opting instead for a skull ring purchased from an artist in Spain. This action represented a move away from traditional marriage symbols.
He introduced Kristen awkwardly at events as his "not really my wife," reflecting his internal struggle with their new relationship status.
Kristen seeks a relationship where simplicity and enjoyment are at the forefront, wanting to engage in activities together that don’t feel like work.
Dave, while supportive, initially found it challenging to make the significant life changes to adapt to this new relationship structure.
It took Dave nearly half a decade to fully grasp what Kristen meant by being "unmarried," but he eventually came to the realization that Kristen no lo ...
Transitioning to an "unmarried" relationship focused on individual happiness
Finch shares his experience of releasing control and embracing uncertainty during a Friendsgiving celebration, leading to an unexpectedly delightful holiday.
Finch describes his initial anxiety about participating in a Friendsgiving due to the uncertainty that came with it. He found himself freaking out over the lack of clarity on plans and what would be on the menu, particularly concerned about how the turkey would be prepared.
In an effort to mitigate his anxiety, Finch decided to set a single rule for himself: there are no rules. By adopting this philosophy, he aimed to keep the Thanksgiving trip enjoyable, prioritizing fun over strict plans or guidelines.
Ultimately, Finch's decision t ...
Letting go of rules and expectations around Thanksgiving plans
Finch reevaluates the success of his "best practices," indicating that while some were helpful, the ultimate goal has shifted from trying to appear perfect to focusing on individual happiness and growth.
Finch admits that some of his original best practices didn’t quite hit the mark, and despite the years, he still doesn’t fold laundry properly. He often finds himself rummaging through the dryer for what he needs, leaving the rest untouched. These clunkers remind him that not all practices he set out to follow were as practical in reality as they were in theory.
Finch has come to realize that the deeper work of a relationship is to create a fulfilling life as an individual, which can then be share ...
Reflecting on what worked and didn't work about the original "best practices"
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