'F*** Approval, You Don’t Need It!' makes the case against ‘people pleasers’
In this episode of NPR's Book of the Day, Elizabeth Moult examines the roots and effects of people-pleasing behavior. She explains how this pattern develops in childhood and manifests in adult life, where people-pleasers prioritize others' needs over their own, often accepting unwanted responsibilities and struggling to express their true feelings. Drawing from her own experiences, Moult illustrates how this behavior can lead to burnout and resentment.
The discussion includes practical strategies for those looking to break free from people-pleasing tendencies. Moult outlines specific techniques, such as daily mindfulness practices and the use of prepared responses for declining requests. She also addresses the challenge of maintaining boundaries, particularly when faced with resistance from others who have grown accustomed to compliance.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Oct 2, 2025 episode of the NPR's Book of the Day
Sign up for Shortform to access the whole episode summary along with additional materials like counterarguments and context.
1-Page Summary
The Psychology and Behaviors of People-Pleasers
Elizabeth Moult explores the complex psychology behind people-pleasing behaviors and their impact on individuals' lives. She explains that this behavior pattern begins in early childhood, when children learn to associate pleasing behaviors with positive reinforcement from adults.
Understanding People-Pleasing Behavior
According to Moult, people-pleasers often use their accommodating nature as a protective mechanism against uncomfortable situations and emotions. This manifests in various ways, such as accepting unwanted responsibilities and struggling to express true feelings. She shares a personal example of failing to allocate time for her own presentation while organizing an event, demonstrating how people-pleasers typically prioritize others' needs over their own.
Negative Effects On Mental Health and Relationships
People-pleasing behaviors can significantly impact both mental health and relationships, Moult observes. By consistently suppressing their true feelings and needs to avoid confrontation, people-pleasers often develop deep-seated resentment and frustration. This pattern of behavior can compromise their authenticity and lead to burnout, increased stress, and a diminished sense of self as they continuously neglect their own well-being in favor of others' needs.
Strategies For Overcoming People-Pleasing Tendencies
Moult offers several practical approaches to overcome people-pleasing behaviors. She recommends practicing mindfulness through daily five-minute reflection sessions to better understand one's genuine emotions and thoughts. Additionally, she suggests examining childhood beliefs that may drive people-pleasing habits and using simple "one-liners" to politely decline requests. When setting boundaries, Moult advises preparing for potential resistance from those accustomed to compliance, making it easier to maintain these new boundaries.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- People-pleasing behaviors may not always originate in childhood or from positive reinforcement; they can also be a result of cultural, social, or situational factors that influence an individual's behavior.
- Accommodating others is not always a protective mechanism; it can sometimes be a genuine aspect of one's personality or a reflection of altruistic values.
- Prioritizing others' needs over one's own is not inherently negative and can be a valued trait in many cooperative and communal societies.
- The assumption that people-pleasing leads to negative mental health outcomes may not account for individual differences in coping mechanisms and resilience.
- The strategies suggested may not be universally effective, as overcoming deeply ingrained behaviors often requires personalized approaches that consider the individual's unique context and psychological makeup.
- Setting boundaries is important, but the text does not address how to handle situations where setting boundaries may not be culturally acceptable or may lead to significant personal or professional consequences.
Actionables
- Create a "No" jar to practice declining requests comfortably. Each time you say no to a request that doesn't align with your priorities or values, write it down on a piece of paper and put it in the jar. This visual representation of your boundaries will reinforce your ability to prioritize your needs and can serve as a reminder of the progress you're making in overcoming people-pleasing behaviors.
- Start a "Feelings Inventory" journal to track your emotional responses to situations. At the end of each day, jot down instances where you felt the urge to please someone and how it made you feel. This can help you become more aware of your emotions and the patterns that lead to people-pleasing, enabling you to address the root causes more effectively.
- Develop a personal mission statement that outlines your values, goals, and what you stand for. Refer to this statement when faced with decisions or requests from others. It will serve as a guide to ensure your actions are aligned with your true self, helping to reduce the tendency to engage in people-pleasing behaviors that conflict with your personal values.
Get access to the context and additional materials
The Psychology and Behaviors of People-Pleasers
Elizabeth Moult shares insights into the psychological underpinnings of people-pleasing behaviors and the challenges faced by those who constantly seek approval from others.
People-Pleasers Seek Validation and Approval Young
From a very young age, children learn to associate pleasing behavior with positive reinforcement. Elizabeth Moult explains that around the ages of one and a half to two years, children notice that actions like eating with a spoon bring applause and smiles from adults, teaching them to repeat behaviors that garner approval and praise.
People-Pleasing as Self-Protection and Avoidance of Discomfort
People-pleasers often use their accommodating nature as a shield against unpleasant emotions and situations. Moult points out that people-pleasers are driven by a fear of confrontation and the distress of letting others down. As a result, they are likely to acquiesce to requests—even unwanted ones—simply to sidestep potential disappointment or discomfort.
Common Signs of People-Pleasing Behavior
Agreeing To Unwanted Responsibilities
One of the clearest indicators of people-pleasing is the tendency to accept tasks or responsibilities that the individual does not desire. Moult shares an anecdote where, during the organization of an event for about a hundred women, she failed to allocate time for her own presentation, prioritizing others due to ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The Psychology and Behaviors of People-Pleasers
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While children may learn to associate pleasing behavior with positive reinforcement, it's also important to consider that not all children respond to reinforcement in the same way, and some may develop autonomy early on despite reinforcement patterns.
- The idea that people-pleasers use their behavior as a shield could be oversimplified; some individuals may engage in people-pleasing due to a genuine desire to help others, not just to avoid unpleasant emotions.
- The fear of confrontation and letting others down is not exclusive to people-pleasers; many individuals may experience these fears without necessarily being people-pleasers.
- Acquiescing to requests is sometimes a strategic choice rather than a compulsion; people may do so to maintain harmony or as part of a larger negotiation strategy in relationships.
- Accepting unwanted tasks or responsibilities could sometimes reflect a lack of assertiveness skills rather than a people-pleasing tendency, and these skills can be learned and improved.
- Struggling to share true feelings is a common human experience and may not always be indicative of a people-pleasing personality; it could also be due to cultural norms, personal privacy, or situational appropriateness.
- Difficulty in acknowledging and expressing emotions can be a symptom of ...
Actionables
- You can practice assertiveness by setting a daily goal to express one personal preference, no matter how small. Start with low-stakes situations, like choosing a restaurant for lunch or selecting a movie to watch. This helps build the habit of voicing your choices without the pressure of a high-stakes conflict.
- Create a "No" journal where you record each time you decline a request or set a boundary. Note the situation, why you said no, and how you felt before and after. This can help you become more comfortable with confrontation and recognize patterns in your behavior that lead to people-pleasing.
- Engage in role-play exerc ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Negative Effects Of People-Pleasing on Mental Health and Relationships
People-pleasing behavior can lead to various negative effects on one's mental health and interpersonal relationships, as highlighted by Moult's observations.
People-Pleasing Leads to Resentment and Frustration in Relationships
People-Pleasers Hide Their Needs to Avoid Upsetting Others
People-pleasers often suppress their true feelings and needs in an effort to avoid confrontation or displeasure from others. Over time, this lack of honest expression can lead to the build-up of resentment and frustration, as the people-pleaser's own desires and emotions go unacknowledged and unaddressed.
Compromises Authenticity and Identity Shine
Moult articulates that this behavior compromises a person's authenticity and hinders their true identity from shining through. Without the ability to express individual preferences, dreams, and boundaries, people-pleasers can lose a sense of who they are, leading to a diminished personal presence in their relationships.
People-Pleasing Takes a Toll on Mental Health
People-Pleasers Neglect Their Well-Being By Focusing On Others' Needs
By consistently placing the needs of others above their own, people-pleasers often neglect their own well-being, according to Moult. This constant self-sacrifice means that their own mental, emotio ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Negative Effects Of People-Pleasing on Mental Health and Relationships
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- People-pleasing behavior can manifest in various ways, such as agreeing with others even when you disagree, constantly seeking validation from others, apologizing excessively, and avoiding conflict at all costs. These behaviors often stem from a deep-seated fear of rejection or disapproval, driving individuals to prioritize others' needs over their own. People-pleasers may struggle to set boundaries, saying yes to requests they don't want to fulfill, and feeling guilty when asserting their own preferences. This pattern of behavior can become a habitual response in social interactions, leading to a cycle of seeking external approval to feel validated and worthy.
- People-pleasing behavior involves prioritizing others' needs and desires over one's own, often at the expense of personal well-being and authenticity. People-pleasers tend to avoid conflict by supp ...
Counterarguments
- People-pleasing can sometimes strengthen relationships by creating a supportive and harmonious environment.
- Suppressing one's needs isn't always negative; it can be a sign of compromise and maturity in relationships.
- People-pleasing behaviors may be a reflection of cultural values that prioritize community and harmony over individualism.
- The act of helping others and prioritizing their needs can lead to positive feelings and a sense of fulfillment, which can be beneficial for mental health.
- Some individuals may thrive in roles that require a high degree of attentiveness to others, such as caregiving professions, without experiencing the negative effects mentioned.
- The term "people-pleasing" can be overly broad, and not all forms of considerate or accommodating behavior should be viewed negatively or as detrime ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Strategies For Overcoming People-Pleasing Tendencies
Moult offers practical advice for those who find themselves frequently acquiescing to others' demands at the expense of their own needs and wellbeing.
Practice Self-Awareness and Mindfulness
Reflect On Thoughts, Feelings, and Needs
To combat tendencies of people-pleasing, Moult endorses the practice of mindfulness. She advises individuals to take five minutes for themselves in a distraction-free environment to better understand their genuine emotions and thoughts, and to recognize their bodily reactions. She insists that even a mere five minutes of such practice can teach a person a lot about themselves, leading to increased self-awareness.
Build the Ability to Express One's Truth
Building the ability to express one's truth comes with understanding one's genuine thoughts and feelings. By regularly engaging in mindfulness, people-pleasers can develop the capacity to recognize and articulate their true needs and desires.
Reexamine Entrenched Beliefs and Behaviors From Childhood
Identify Beliefs Driving People-Pleasing Habits, and Challenge Beliefs
Moult recommends introspection into beliefs rooted in childhood that may be driving current people-pleasing behavior. An example she provides is the notion of eating everything on one's plate to please parents, an idea which can carry into adulthood. By identifying and reevaluating such beliefs, individuals can better understand the foundation of their people-pleasing habits and begin to challenge and change them.
Set and Enforce Healthy Boundaries
Use ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Strategies For Overcoming People-Pleasing Tendencies
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Mindfulness may not be a one-size-fits-all solution; some individuals may find it difficult to engage in or benefit from mindfulness practices due to various psychological or personal reasons.
- Expressing one's truth is important, but it must be balanced with social tact and empathy to maintain relationships and avoid unnecessary conflict.
- While challenging childhood beliefs is valuable, it's also important to recognize that some ingrained beliefs may have a protective or adaptive function that shouldn't be dismissed without careful consideration.
- Using a "one-liner" to set boundaries can be perceived as dismissive or ...
Actionables
- Create a personal mantra that encapsulates your commitment to authenticity, and repeat it during daily routines to reinforce your intention to live truthfully. For example, while brushing your teeth or taking a shower, you might repeat, "I honor my truth," to remind yourself of the importance of being genuine throughout the day.
- Keep a "Boundary Journal" where you document instances when you set boundaries, including the one-liner you used, the reaction you received, and how you felt afterward. This can help you track your progress, understand patterns in others' responses, and refine your approach to setting boundaries over time.
- Role-play boundary ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Create Summaries for anything on the web
Download the Shortform Chrome extension for your browser
