Two authors consider how being a daughter shaped their relationship to motherhood
In this episode of NPR's Book of the Day, authors Joy Harjo and Ruthie Ackerman explore the complex relationships between mothers and daughters, and how these relationships shape their views on motherhood. Harjo discusses the ritual of washing a deceased loved one's body, sharing her experience of being unable to wash her mother's body and later washing her daughter's, while using poetry as a way to process her grief.
The authors examine how family histories influence perspectives on parenthood. Ackerman shares how stories of maternal abandonment in her family affected her own relationship with the idea of becoming a mother. Through therapy and investigation into her family's past, she came to understand maternal ambivalence and developed a new understanding of her desires regarding motherhood.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the May 30, 2025 episode of the NPR's Book of the Day
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Ritual and Significance Of Washing a Parent's Body
Joy Harjo explores the profound significance of ritual washing in honoring deceased loved ones. Unable to wash her mother's body after her passing, Harjo created the poem "Washing My Mother's Body" as a ceremonial act to find peace with what was left undone. Later, when her daughter passed away, Harjo had the opportunity to participate in washing her daughter's body, an experience she describes as a meaningful way to honor her daughter's creative and brilliant life. Through poetry, Harjo found a way to metaphorically perform the washing ritual for her mother, allowing her to process her grief and pay tribute.
Complex, Ambivalent Mother-Daughter Relationship
Harjo and Ruthie Ackerman share insights about the intricate bonds between mothers and daughters. Harjo speaks to the unique understanding that daughters have of their mothers, rooted in deep matrilineal connections that transcend ordinary explanation. Ackerman adds her perspective by discussing how her family's difficult history, including her half-brother's rare disorders, influenced her complicated relationship with the idea of motherhood.
Family Influence on Parenthood Views
Ackerman's journey reveals how family narratives can shape one's view of parenthood. Growing up with stories of female relatives abandoning their children, she initially feared inheriting an inability to parent. However, after discovering these stories were not entirely accurate, Ackerman began to reassess her stance on motherhood. Through therapy, she came to accept her "55% desire" for motherhood, finding comfort in learning that maternal ambivalence is a common, though rarely discussed, experience.
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Actionables
- Create a personal ritual to honor the memory of loved ones by writing letters to them on significant dates. This can be a way to process grief and maintain a connection. For example, on their birthday or the anniversary of their passing, you might write a letter expressing thoughts and feelings you wish you could share with them, creating a symbolic conversation that helps you find closure.
- Reflect on your family's history by starting a journal where you document stories, traits, and patterns you observe. This can help you understand how your background influences your current beliefs and behaviors. You might discover insights into your views on parenthood, relationships, or other aspects of life by recognizing patterns that have been passed down through generations.
- Explore your matrilineal connections by creating a visual family tree that includes not just names and dates but also personal anecdotes, traits, and significant life events. This can deepen your understanding of the unique bond between mothers and daughters. As you gather information, reach out to relatives to collect stories and details, then add personal notes and photos to create a richer picture of your family's matrilineal line.
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Ritual and Significance Of Washing a Parent's Body
Joy Harjo shares the deep emotional connection and the profound significance of ritual washing in honoring a loved one who has passed away.
Harjo's Desire to Perform Late Mother's Ritual
Harjo expresses a sense of regret for not being able to wash her mother’s body when she died. This desire led Harjo to create the poem "Washing My Mother’s Body" as a way to perform the ritual she missed. The poem is Harjo's emotional and ceremonial act to address what was left undone and to find peace.
Significance of Ritual Washing In Honoring the Deceased
In experiencing the death of her daughter, Harjo speaks about the profound act of washing her recently deceased daughter’s body. She emphasizes the importance of being present and engaging in rituals to honor those who have passed. For Harjo, this ritual was a way for her and others to come together to pay homage to her daughter’s creative ...
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Ritual and Significance Of Washing a Parent's Body
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Create a personal ritual to honor a lost loved one by choosing a meaningful activity that reflects your relationship with them. For instance, if they loved gardening, plant a tree or a flower in their memory, and each time you care for it, use that moment to reflect on your memories with them.
- Write a letter to someone who has passed away to express feelings or thoughts you wish you had shared. This can be a therapeutic exercise to help you process grief and feel a sense of connection. You might choose to read it aloud in a private space or at their resting place as a form of personal ceremony.
- Develop a small, private space in your hom ...
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Complex, Ambivalent Mother-Daughter Relationship
Joy Harjo and Ruthie Ackerman share their stories that capture the intricate and often ambivalent connections between mothers and daughters, shaped by a unique matrilineal bond and the shadows of familial history.
Harjo and Ackerman's Stories Show the Complex Mother-Daughter Bond
Joy Harjo's reflections uncover the deep and multifaceted viewpoints that daughters hold regarding their mothers. She speaks to the strength of the bond between mothers and daughters, suggesting that daughters possess an intimate understanding of their mothers that others may not grasp. This keen insight is born from the intricate matrilineal ties that daughters share with their mothers, a theme Harjo explores through her personal experiences, acknowledging the weight and poignancy of this relationship.
Daughters Uniquely Understand Their Mothers Through Matrilineal Bonds
In her discourse on the mother-daughter relationship, Harjo delves into the profound complexity of grief. She declares that the maternal lineage fosters a powerful, almost indescribable, link that traverses beyond mere words or explanations. Drawing from her own life, Harjo contemplates how this potent connection can also be a channel through which personal histories and emotions are profoundly felt and conveyed between generations.
Complexity in Mother-Daughter Relationships
Ackerman's Ambivalence About Motherhood Stemmed From Her Family's Difficult History
R ...
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Complex, Ambivalent Mother-Daughter Relationship
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Counterarguments
- While matrilineal bonds can be strong, not all mother-daughter relationships are defined by a unique understanding; individual experiences and personalities can lead to misunderstandings and distance.
- The idea that the mother-daughter bond is universally powerful and indescribable may not hold true for all; some may find their connections with their fathers or other relatives to be equally or more significant.
- Personal histories and emotions are indeed conveyed between generations, but this is not exclusive to maternal lineage; paternal lineage and other family relationships also play crucial roles in shaping individuals.
- Ackerman's ambivalence towards mother ...
Actionables
- Start a matrilineal story project by recording interviews with your mother, grandmother, and other female relatives to capture and preserve your family's history and emotional bonds. This can be as simple as using a smartphone to record conversations where you ask about their life experiences, challenges, and triumphs, creating a personal archive that strengthens your understanding of your maternal lineage.
- Create a "Mother-Daughter Journal" where you and your mother (or daughter) can write letters to each other, share stories, and express emotions that are difficult to communicate in person. This ongoing exchange can deepen your connection and provide a tangible record of your relationship's evolution over time.
- Develop a perso ...
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Family Influence on Parenthood Views
Ruthie Ackerman's personal journey illustrates how family narratives and undisclosed truths can shape an individual's perspectives on parenthood.
Family Narratives and History Shape Parental Perspectives in Harjo and Ackerman's Stories
Ackerman's perceptions on motherhood were significantly influenced by stories of female relatives abandoning their children. Misled by these family tales, Ackerman grappled with fears of inheriting an inability to be a nurturing parent.
Ackerman's Child Decision Was Impacted by "Half-Truths and Conjectures" About Her Family's Past Until She Re-examined Her Preconceptions
Ackerman grew up with a daunting belief that she had inherited a flaw from her grandmother and great-grandmother, whom she thought abandoned their offspring. This belief caused her to question her own potential as a mother. After discovering that the stories about her family were not completely accurate, Ackerman was compelled to reassess her earlier decision about not wanting children.
Confronting Deep Beliefs to Align With Authentic Values
Through introspection and therapy, Ackerman faced her longstanding beliefs and came to a realization about her desire for parenthood.
Ackerman Embraced Her 55% Desire For Mothe ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Family Influence on Parenthood Views
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Ackerman's fears may not solely stem from family narratives but could also be influenced by broader societal expectations and personal experiences.
- The belief that one may inherit an inability to be nurturing could be challenged by the argument that parenting skills are not solely determined by genetics but also by individual choices and learning.
- The idea that Ackerman's decision was based on "half-truths and conjectures" might overlook the complexity of family dynamics and the subjective nature of memory and storytelling.
- The notion that a 55% desire for motherhood is sufficient could be contested by the view that the decision to become a parent should be made with greater certainty due to the significant responsibilities involved.
- While maternal ambivalence is common, it's important to consider that not all individuals experience this ambivalence, and for some, the decision about parenthood is clear-cut.
- The effectiveness of therapy in resolving deep-seated beliefs about parenthood could be questioned, as some might a ...
Actionables
- Explore your family narratives by creating a visual family tree that includes not just names and dates but also personal stories, traits, and decisions. This can help you identify patterns or beliefs that you may have unconsciously adopted. For example, if you find a recurring theme of career prioritization over family life, you might reflect on how this influences your own life choices.
- Journal about your fears and desires without judgment to understand your true feelings about significant life decisions. Set aside time each week to write down any thoughts related to your aspirations, whether they're about career, relationships, or parenthood. This practice can help you recognize the degree of your desires and accept that they don't need to be absolute.
- Engage in conver ...
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