The Financial and Emotional Cost of Choosing the Wrong Partner: Pattie Ehsaei’s Story of Survival and Power
In this episode of Money Rehab, Nicole Lapin and guest Pattie Ehsaei explore the intersection of finances and relationships, with Ehsaei sharing her personal story of overcoming financial trauma. Beginning with her family's experience after immigrating from Iran to the US, Ehsaei describes how financial instability and dependency can impact family dynamics and personal relationships.
Drawing from her own experiences, including accumulating significant debt while supporting a financially unstable partner, Ehsaei discusses strategies for maintaining financial independence in relationships. She outlines practical approaches for stay-at-home parents to secure their financial autonomy, emphasizing the importance of separate accounts and emergency funds. The episode examines how partner choice can significantly impact financial well-being and presents guidelines for building equitable financial partnerships.
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1-Page Summary
Family & Upbringing's Impact on Financial Attitudes & Behaviors
Pattie Ehsaei shares her family's story of financial upheaval after fleeing Iran for the US. While her parents were once a "power couple" in Iran, with her mother working as a head nurse and her father in import-export, their move to the US drastically changed their circumstances. Language barriers forced her father into construction work and prevented her mother from continuing her nursing career.
Financial Abuse Dynamics and Path to Independence
The shift in financial dynamics led to devastating consequences in Ehsaei's family, with her mother becoming financially dependent on her father. This dependence, combined with her father's infidelity and domestic issues, ultimately led to a tragic end. Following this trauma, Ehsaei found herself repeating similar patterns in her own relationships, before finally breaking free and prioritizing her financial independence through education and career development.
Finances in Relationships and Partner Choice
Ehsaei emphasizes that choosing a partner is the most significant financial decision one can make. She advocates for financial transparency between partners while maintaining separate accounts. Drawing from her experience of supporting a "broke dude" and accumulating $30,000 in debt, she wrote "Never Date a Broke Dude" to encourage women to prioritize financial stability in relationships and seek equitable partnerships where both parties contribute across all aspects of the relationship.
Financial Autonomy and Security Strategies for Stay-At-home Parents
For stay-at-home parents, Ehsaei recommends maintaining some form of financial independence. She suggests treating domestic work as a job deserving compensation and negotiating with partners for a fair "salary." She strongly advocates for maintaining separate accounts and having "F.U. money" - at least six months of living expenses - to ensure the ability to leave unhealthy situations if necessary. This financial independence, she argues, can be crucial for personal safety and empowerment.
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Counterarguments
- While Ehsaei's experiences and advice may be valuable, they may not universally apply to all individuals or relationships, as financial dynamics and successful relationship models can vary widely.
- The idea of treating domestic work as a compensated job within a family unit may not be feasible or agreeable for all couples, as family dynamics and views on domestic roles can differ.
- The recommendation to maintain separate accounts and have "F.U. money" might not align with the financial strategies or philosophies of all couples, who may prefer joint accounts and shared financial responsibilities.
- The emphasis on never dating a "broke dude" could be seen as overly simplistic and potentially dismissive of the complexities of relationships and the non-financial attributes individuals bring to a partnership.
- The notion that choosing a partner is the most significant financial decision one can make might be challenged by the argument that personal financial management and career choices are equally, if not more, important.
- The advice given may not take into account cultural differences in attitudes towards money and relationships, which can significantly influence financial decisions and partner choice.
- The concept of negotiating a fair "salary" for stay-at-home parents could be criticized for commodifying family roles and relationships in a way that may not reflect the intrinsic value of family support systems and mutual care.
- The focus on financial autonomy might overlook the benefits of interdependence and mutual support in relationships, which can also lead to strong and resilient financial partnerships.
Actionables
- You can create a language exchange partnership to overcome language barriers and enhance career opportunities. Find a partner who is fluent in English and seeking to learn your native language. Meet regularly to practice conversational skills, professional terminology, and cultural nuances that can help you navigate the job market more effectively. For example, if you're a native Spanish speaker and a trained engineer, partner with an English-speaking engineer who wants to learn Spanish. This mutual exchange can open doors for both of you in terms of networking and job opportunities.
- Develop a personal financial plan that includes a "relationship audit" to assess the financial health of your current or future partnerships. Sit down with your partner to discuss financial goals, habits, and expectations. Use tools like budgeting apps to track both individual and shared expenses, and set up regular "financial date nights" to review your financial plan and make adjustments as needed. This proactive approach ensures that both partners are on the same page and can work together towards common financial objectives.
- Establish a "domestic work value" system if you're a stay-at-home parent to quantify the financial contribution of household management. Assign a monetary value to the tasks you perform at home, such as childcare, cleaning, and cooking, based on the average cost of outsourcing these services. Present this valuation to your partner to negotiate a fair compensation arrangement, which could be in the form of direct payments, contributions to a personal retirement account, or investments in your name. This system recognizes the economic value of domestic work and contributes to your financial independence.
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Family & Upbringing's Impact on Financial Attitudes & Behaviors
Pattie Ehsaei shares the poignant story of her family, illustrating how wealth and power dynamics within a family, particularly around financial dependency, can significantly impact relationships and individual wellbeing.
Wealthy in Iran, Patty's Parents Lost Status In the US
Patty's Parents: From "Power Couple" in Iran to Financially Struggling In the US
In Iran, Patty's parents were the epitome of success. Her mother was the head nurse at a hospital under the Shah of Iran, and her father had a thriving career in the import and export business. Their professional achievements earned them the label of a "power couple." However, their lives took a drastic turn after the Iranian revolution; the upheaval forced the family to flee to the United States. Upon their arrival, Patty's parents were stripped of the status and security they had known, transitioning them from wealth to a lower middle-class existence.
Pattie Ehsaei recounts her father's struggle with language barriers and his inability to secure work in his professional field upon their resettlement in the US. To support his family, he resorted to manual labor in construction.
Mother's Financial Dependence on Father Shifted Their Power Dynamic
Spousal Financial Dependence Reduces Autonomy
Patty witnessed a seismic shift in her parents' relationship dynamic due to her mother's financial dependence. In Iran, her parents had a more equal partnership, with her mother potentially out-earning her father. However, the move to the US saw Patty's mother encounter language barriers that prevented her from passing the nursing exam, which forced her into financial reliance on her husband. This shift relegated her to the domestic sphere and significantly reduced her autonomy.
Patty Saw Her Mother's Financial Dependence, Infidelity, and Domestic Violence
Patty's Father's Infidelity Worsened as Her Mother Became More Financially Reliant on Him
As her mother's financial dependence grew, so did her father’s unfaithfulness. Patty recalls her mother's discovery of an affair when Patty was 16, leading to a temporary separation. The infid ...
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Family & Upbringing's Impact on Financial Attitudes & Behaviors
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Actionables
- You can create a personal contingency plan to maintain independence in case of financial upheaval by setting aside a portion of your income into a separate savings account. This fund acts as a financial buffer, ensuring that you have resources to rely on if you face unexpected changes in your economic status, similar to what Patty's family experienced. For example, aim to save at least three to six months' worth of living expenses, which can provide a sense of security and autonomy during challenging times.
- Engage in regular, open discussions with family members about finances to foster transparency and equality. Schedule monthly family finance meetings where each member, regardless of their income, has an equal voice in decisions. This practice helps prevent power imbalances and ensures that everyone's perspective is valued, reducing the risk of conflicts like those faced by Patty's family.
- Encourage and support continuous education and skill ...
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Financial Abuse Dynamics and Path to Independence
Pattie Ehsaei shares her journey through financial abuse and the subsequent fight for her financial independence and control over her future.
Patty's Unhealthy Patterns Post-Parental Tragedy
After the loss of her parents, Pattie Ehsaei found herself repeating some patterns she saw in her parents' relationship, which she did not detail. She ended up in a relationship with a man who was controlling and possessive, reminiscent of her father. Moving to California with him, she gave up her job and had no money of her own. She believed his story about being stuck with an ex-girlfriend who was pregnant with his child and overlooked the unusual request not to call his home phone number. This desperation led her to ignore red flags, and each time she considered leaving, her partner would use expensive gifts to manipulate and control her.
Patty Prioritized Financial Security to Avoid Repeating the Cycle
Pattie's realization of the abusive dynamics came to a head when her partner and his mother dismissed her needs and contributed to her stress. Resolving to break the cycle, she made secret plans to leave him and successfully escaped his attempts to stop her.
However, she returned to him out of loneliness, only to endure further privacy invasion and harassment, including uninvited appearances at her work events and home. Eventually, she stood firm against his begging and intrusions.
Pattie's father's emphasis on education and having a career became the cornerstone of her path to independence. Although she faced financial reliance ...
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Financial Abuse Dynamics and Path to Independence
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Actionables
- You can create a personal "red flag" checklist to identify early warning signs in relationships. Write down behaviors that you consider non-negotiable deal-breakers, such as dishonesty or attempts to isolate you from friends and family. Regularly review this list when dating someone new to stay aware of potential issues.
- Start a "freedom fund" by setting aside a small amount of money each week into a separate savings account. This fund is specifically for ensuring you have the financial means to leave any situation that makes you uncomfortable or compromises your independence. Even a few dollars each week can grow into a safety net over time.
- Engage in regular self-reflection sessions to asse ...
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Finances in Relationships and Partner Choice
Patty Ehsaei delves into the crucial role that finances play in relationships, advising on the importance of financial harmony and advocating for equality in partner contributions.
Patty Views Your Partner As the Biggest Financial Decision
Patty Ehsaei talks about the significance of prudent partner choice, affirming that the person you decide to share your life with romantically is the greatest financial decision of your life. She elucidates that relationships and marriages hinge less on love and more on financial compatibility, pointing out that financial disputes are one of the leading causes of marital dissolutions.
Patty Learned Financial Harmony Is Key for Healthy Relationships
Ehsaei admires Joel for reflecting on his participation in the dynamics of past relationships, marking self-awareness and healing as valuable traits she seeks in a partner. She considers financial transparency fundamental, warning that a partner's unwillingness to discuss money might signal financial troubles or secrecy about spending. Ehsaei contends that without financial harmony, a relationship cannot endure.
Patty Promotes Financial Transparency and Equal Partner Contributions
Patty Ehsaei underscores the necessity of mutual access to all financial information, including assets and insurance, to protect against deceit and to be prepared for unforeseen events.
Ehsaei does not share a joint account with her partner; they keep their finances distinct yet are open about their financial situations. Although they don’t have login access to each other's bank accounts, they are willing to share this information if requested. She maintains that she does not control her husband's personal account and vice versa, but they both advocate for financial visibility.
Patty Warns Against Dating "Broke Dudes" Exploiting Partners Financially
Patty Ehsaei shares her personal resolution to never date a "broke dude" after supporting one such partner for two years and incurring a debt of $30,000. This experience led her to stress the significance of financial independence, advising women not to await a prince for financial salvation, but to seek self-r ...
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Finances in Relationships and Partner Choice
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Counterarguments
- While financial compatibility is important, it is not the only factor that sustains a relationship; love, trust, respect, and shared values also play critical roles.
- Financial disputes may be a leading cause of marital dissolutions, but communication issues, infidelity, and incompatibility can also be significant factors.
- Financial transparency is important, but each couple may have different comfort levels and boundaries regarding financial privacy.
- The idea of never dating a "broke dude" could be seen as overly simplistic and potentially dismissive of the complex reasons why someone might be experiencing financial difficulties.
- The emphasis on financial independence is valuable, but it's also important to recognize that financial interdependence can be a healthy part of a partnership where both parties support each other.
- The notion that both partners m ...
Actionables
- Create a "relationship financial health" checklist to evaluate your and your partner's financial compatibility before making serious commitments. Include items like attitudes towards saving, investing, debt management, and financial goals. Regularly review and update this checklist together to ensure ongoing alignment and transparency.
- Develop a personal finance date night tradition where you and your partner discuss money matters in a relaxed setting. Use this time to share updates on individual financial situations, future financial aspirations, and to collaboratively plan for financial goals. This can help normalize financial conversations and build a foundation of trust and openness.
- Start a "financial independence" ...
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Financial Autonomy and Security Strategies for Stay-At-home Parents
Pattie Ehsaei centers her discussion around the importance of stay-at-home parents, particularly women, maintaining some level of income or asset control to ensure their financial autonomy and security.
Patty Urges Stay-At-home Parents Maintain Income or Assets
Pattie Ehsaei suggests that stay-at-home parents should adopt a business-minded approach regarding household duties, equating domestic work to a job that deserves compensation. She encourages stay-at-home parents to calculate the value of their domestic labor and negotiate with their partners for a fair "salary" for the tasks they perform. Ehsaei stresses that especially husbands with stay-at-home wives should recognize the value of domestic labor monetarily.
Patty Advises Stay-At-home Parents to Have a Separate Account
Ehsaei advises that stay-at-home parents should have a separate account where they have sole control, which could be funded by various means, including a side hustle. This separation ensures that they have financial options and a sense of security independent of joint family accounts. Having these funds is crucial for personal empowerment and safety.
Patty Advocates For all Women Having Financial Independence to Leave Unhealthy Situations
Drawing from her mother's experience of feeling insignificant after her children left home, Ehsaei speaks to the importance of every individual having financial inde ...
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Financial Autonomy and Security Strategies for Stay-At-home Parents
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Counterarguments
- While recognizing the value of domestic labor is important, equating it to a job with a salary may not be feasible or desirable for all families, as it could commercialize family relationships and create tension.
- Negotiating a "salary" for domestic work might not align with the financial dynamics or values of every household, and some families may prefer other methods of appreciation or compensation.
- The idea of a separate account could be seen as undermining the trust and partnership in a marriage, where shared finances are often a reflection of shared lives and mutual support.
- Encouraging stay-at-home parents to have a side hustle might not be realistic for those who are already overburdened with domestic responsibilities and childcare.
- The concept of "F.U. money" might not be attainable for all individuals, especially in economies where saving is difficult due to low incomes or high costs of living.
- The emphasis on financial independence could inadvertently stigmatize those who, for various reasons, are financially dependent on their partners, such as due to disability or other circumstances.
- The strategy of maintaining separate accounts might not be the best financial decision for all couples, as it could lead to inefficiencies in managing household finances or lost opportunities for compound interest ...
Actionables
- You can create a personal financial growth plan by setting aside a small percentage of household savings each month to invest in a low-risk index fund or savings bond. This approach allows you to build your own financial assets over time, even if you don't have a traditional income. For example, if your household saves $1000 a month, allocating 5-10% into your personal investment can grow into a significant nest egg.
- Develop a skill or craft that can be monetized during flexible hours, such as creating digital art, writing, or crafting homemade goods, and sell them on platforms like Etsy, Medium, or Redbubble. This not only provides a creative outlet but also contributes to your financial autonomy without requiring a full-time commitment.
- Partner with other stay-at-home parents to form a cooperative group where you exchange ser ...
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