#1026 - Alison Armstrong - How to Treat Men Better
In this Modern Wisdom episode, Alison Armstrong examines the differences between how men and women approach relationships and communication. She explores how men tend to focus on productivity, security, and accomplishment, while women prioritize connection, safety, and emotional needs. Armstrong explains how these contrasting priorities can lead to misunderstandings and explores the concept of unintentional emasculation in relationships.
The discussion delves into how evolutionary pressures have shaped modern relationship dynamics, including how both men and women approach coupling, commitment, and mate selection. Armstrong also addresses the role of trust and vulnerability in relationships, noting how each gender faces unique challenges in these areas and suggesting ways partners can build stronger connections through mutual understanding and acceptance.
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Gender Differences in Communication, Emotions, and Relationship Needs
Alison Armstrong explores the fundamental differences between how men and women approach relationships and communication. She explains that men typically prioritize productivity, security, and accomplishment, while women tend to focus on connection, safety, and emotional needs. These different priorities often lead to misunderstandings in relationships.
According to Armstrong, men value empowerment and admiration over simply being pleased, and they find peace in single-focused productivity. Women, on the other hand, monitor men's reactions closely and often remember and act upon men's preferences, seeking approval. These differences can create friction when women interrupt men's productive focus for connection, or when men don't reciprocate the same level of attentiveness that women provide.
Emasculation in Relationships
Armstrong discusses how women may unintentionally emasculate men by withholding information, attention, and affection. She notes that when women don't reveal their needs, men are prevented from understanding what they can provide, which undermines their sense of competence. When men feel emasculated, they may withdraw or protect themselves, potentially damaging the relationship.
Evolutionary and Biological Factors
Armstrong, along with Chris Williamson and Steve Stewart Williams, examine how evolutionary pressures shape modern relationship dynamics. They explain that the primal source of coupling is survival, with both partners working to protect offspring. Williamson and Stewart Williams discuss how men's need for parental certainty influences their commitment, while Armstrong describes women as "monogamish," seeking mates with status, resources, and nurturing qualities.
Trust, Vulnerability, and Receptiveness
Armstrong emphasizes that trust and vulnerability are crucial for strong relationships, though both genders struggle with these elements differently. She notes that women often struggle to trust men due to fears of vulnerability and exploitation, while men may guard their capacity to care because it could be perceived as weakness. Armstrong suggests that relationships become more satisfying when both partners can show vulnerability and exercise what she calls "blanket trust" - trusting partners for what they can reliably deliver.
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Counterarguments
- The ideas presented may overgeneralize gender behaviors, not accounting for individual differences and the influence of culture, upbringing, and personal experiences.
- Modern research in psychology often emphasizes the importance of viewing gender as a spectrum rather than a binary, which can challenge the dichotomy presented in these ideas.
- The concept of "blanket trust" might not be practical or safe in all relationship contexts, especially if there is a history of betrayal or abuse.
- The evolutionary perspectives mentioned may be overly deterministic and not consider the complex interplay of biology, environment, and personal choice in human relationships.
- The notion of women being "monogamish" and seeking status could be seen as reinforcing traditional gender roles and stereotypes.
- The idea that men value empowerment and admiration over being pleased could be challenged by individual cases where men prioritize emotional connection and mutual satisfaction.
- The text may not sufficiently acknowledge same-sex relationships and how these dynamics might differ or be similar in those contexts.
- The concept of emasculation is rooted in traditional views of masculinity and might not resonate with or be relevant to all men or all cultures.
- The emphasis on differences might overlook the importance of commonalities between men and women in relationships and communication.
- The idea that women prioritize safety and emotional needs could be seen as perpetuating a stereotype that women are more emotional than men, which is not supported by all research.
- The assertion that men find peace in single-focused productivity could be challenged by the increasing recognition of the value of multitasking and emotional intelligence in both personal and professional spheres for all genders.
- The text might not account for the impact of socialization on gender roles and how this can influence communication and relationship needs.
Actionables
- You can create a "relationship needs and strengths" journal to better understand and articulate your own priorities and how they align with your partner's. Start by writing down your top three needs in a relationship, such as productivity, security, or connection. Next, note down instances when these needs are met and when they're not. Reflect on how you can communicate these needs to your partner in a way that acknowledges their priorities too. For example, if you value productivity and your partner values connection, schedule a regular "productivity date" where you both work on individual projects in each other's company.
- Develop a "reciprocity ring" exercise to enhance attentiveness and understanding between you and your partner. Once a week, sit down with your partner and take turns expressing one thing you've noticed and appreciated about each other that week. This could be remembering a preference or acknowledging an effort made to support the other's focus. The goal is to cultivate a habit of mutual attentiveness and appreciation, which can help bridge the gap in communication styles and expectations.
- Initiate a "vulnerability pact" with your partner to build trust and show mutual vulnerability. Agree on a safe word or phrase that signifies a need for a non-judgmental, open conversation. When one of you uses this safe word, it's a signal to pause, listen, and share openly without fear of exploitation or judgment. This can be particularly helpful in moments when one feels the need to guard their capacity to care or when there's a fear of vulnerability. Over time, this practice can strengthen the foundation of trust in the relationship.
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Gender Differences in Communication, Emotions, and Relationship Needs
Alison Armstrong discusses the contrasting approaches men and women have towards communication, emotions, and relationship needs, highlighting the potential for conflict and misunderstanding within relationships due to these differences.
Different Communication, Emotion, and Relationship Needs in Men and Women
Armstrong introduces the concept of "productivity versus connectivity," with men often prioritizing productivity, security, and accomplishment, while women prioritize connection, safety, and emotional needs. She notes that this isn't strictly tied to gender, with many women also operating in goal-oriented mindsets akin to "hunting."
Men Prioritize Productivity, Security, Accomplishment; Women Prioritize Connection, Safety, Emotional Needs
Men and women have varying emotional focal points, Armstrong states. While women may focus on emotions and safety, men are more concerned with competence and problem-solving. Armstrong suggests that women often expect men to identify emotions similarly to how they do, potentially leading to confusion. Women may have a stack of feelings in one place, while men may not concentrate as much on their own feelings. This difference in prioritizing emotions can be a source of conflict in relationships.
Armstrong questions if men prefer to be pleased or empowered, finding that men often value empowerment, admiration, and acceptance over merely being pleased. This idea extends into women’s attraction to men, where women are expected to seek certain qualities in a partner for connection and security.
Armstrong introduces a listening exercise that encourages women to identify and appreciate the strengths in men, helping to shift focus from perceiving flaws to acknowledging men's contributions.
Women Focus On Safety and Emotions; Men on Competence and Problem-Solving
The discussion continues with Armstrong stating that single focus and productivity can impart peace and security in men. However, interruptions from women seeking connection can disrupt this process. Moreover, feelings of being supported and appreciated are connected to a sense of being taken care of for men.
Conversely, women monitor men's reactions closely, striving to please out of a survival instinct that associates pleasing behavior with being protected in times of danger. Women also tend to remember and act upon a man’s preferences, seeking approval, yet they may mistakenly expect men to reciprocate this attentiveness without clear communication.
Priority and Communication Differences Can Cause Conflict in Relationships
Communication differences extend further, where what men find charming in women – such as confidence and authenticity – often clashes with how women are taught to behave, which can stifle genuine interaction.
Armstrong discusses that men tend to listen more attentively when women speak of their passions, leading to more positive responses in men. She asser ...
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Gender Differences in Communication, Emotions, and Relationship Needs
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Counterarguments
- The ideas presented may overgeneralize gender behaviors, not accounting for the wide variation within each gender and the influence of cultural, social, and individual factors.
- The concept of men valifying empowerment and women prioritizing safety may reinforce traditional gender roles that are increasingly being questioned and diversified in modern societies.
- The assertion that women strive to please as a survival instinct could be seen as a simplification of complex social behaviors and may not reflect the autonomy and self-determination many women exhibit.
- The idea that men are less focused on their own feelings does not align with contemporary understandings of emotional intelligence and the recognition that men can be as emotionally aware and expressive as women.
- The notion that women may distrust men's practical competence in tasks like loading the dishwasher could be interpreted as perpetuating stereotypes about gender and domestic roles.
- The text may not sufficiently acknowledge same-sex relationships and the dynamics present therein, which can differ significantly from heterosexual relationship dynamics.
- The listening exercise, while potentially helpful, might be criticized for suggesting that women need to change their perspective to appreciate men, rather than advocating for mutual understanding and adaptation.
- The emphasis on differences may overlook the importance of commonalities between men and women in communication and relationship needs.
- The idea that women cannot feel happy unless they feel safe might be challenged as an oversimplification, as happiness can be influenced by a multitude of factors beyond safety.
- The concept of "bedtime bullshit" as a pre-sleep routine fo ...
Actionables
- Create a "communication preferences" profile for yourself and your partner to better understand and respect each other's conversational needs. Write down your own preferences, such as the need for productivity or emotional connection, and ask your partner to do the same. Then, exchange profiles and discuss ways to accommodate each other's styles during conversations, like setting aside time for focused discussions on accomplishments or creating a safe space for emotional expression.
- Develop a "passion project" evening once a month where you and your partner share something you're both passionate about. This could be a hobby, a cause, or an interest that energizes you individually. Take turns presenting your passion to the other, explaining why it excites you and how it contributes to your sense of self. This practice can lead to deeper understanding and appreciation of each other's individuality within the relationship.
- Initiate a " ...
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"Emasculation: How Women Unintentionally Undermine Men"
Alison Armstrong explores the subtle ways in which women may unintentionally emasculate men and the repercussions this has on relationships.
Women Emasculate Men By Withholding Information, Attention, and Affection
Women May Undermine a Man's Competence and Autonomy
Armstrong suggests that withholding key elements like information, attention, and affection can lead to emasculation. By not revealing needs, men are hindered from understanding what they can provide, which can undermine their competence. Even negative attention is better for a man than no attention at all, as men will seek bad attention if that's what's available. Withholding admiration or not entrusting men with accountability can emasculate them, diminishing their power and creating tension.
Women Justify Emasculation, Citing Men's Excess Power or Lack of Trustworthiness
Armstrong points out that some women may justify emasculation by accusing men of abusing their power or not being able to be trusted. She hints that stopping behaviors that give undesirable results, like emasculation, is part of a process of transformation.
Men Feeling Emasculated May Withdraw, Self-Protec ...
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"Emasculation: How Women Unintentionally Undermine Men"
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Counterarguments
- Emasculation is a complex concept and can be influenced by societal norms and expectations, not solely by the actions of women.
- Communication is a two-way street, and both partners in a relationship have a responsibility to express their needs and listen to each other.
- The idea that men need attention, even if it's negative, to feel validated may not apply to all men and can perpetuate unhealthy relationship dynamics.
- The concept of power in relationships is multifaceted, and both men and women can feel disempowered or marginalized at times, regardless of gender.
- Trustworthiness and power abuse are serious issues that can affect the dynamics of a relationship and should be addressed with care, not simply dismissed as justifications for emasculation.
- The notion that men will always react negatively (withdraw, self-protect, or lash out) when feeling emasculated may not account for the varied and complex ways men cope with emotional distress.
- Independence in a partner should not inherently lead to f ...
Actionables
- You can create a "communication wish list" with your partner where both of you write down your needs and desires in a non-confrontational setting. This list should be shared and discussed openly, ensuring that both parties understand what the other needs for a sense of competence and autonomy. For example, a woman might note her need for more decision-making involvement, while a man might express his desire for more verbal affirmation.
- Start a daily ritual of "undivided attention time" where you and your partner agree to spend a set amount of time together without distractions, giving each other full attention. During this time, practice active listening and positive reinforcement to validate each other's feelings and contributions. This could be as simple as a 15-minute coffee chat each morning where you both discuss your plans for the day and acknowledge each other's role in your shared life.
- Initiate a "role-reversal" exercise where you and your partner s ...
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Evolutionary and Biological Factors in Male-Female Dynamics
Experts like Alison Armstrong, Chris Williamson, and Steve Stewart Williams discuss the evolutionary and biological aspects that influence male and female dynamics, particularly focusing on reproductive strategies and the deep-seated needs that shape behaviors and relationships.
Sex Differences in Reproductive Strategies Shape Behavioral and Relationship Needs
Alison Armstrong underlines the primal source of coupling as survival, with the objective to protect offspring together. She suggests that people's instincts drive them in ways that can be destructive to love and happiness, akin to the survival behavior of bacteria and viruses. This instinctual drive directs men and women’s reactions to each other, with women scanning for indications of strength in men that suggest an ability to provide and protect, which ensures survival.
Men's Drive For Offspring Investment and Protection Motivates Commitment
Williamson and Stewart Williams delve into the male perspective and motivation within the reproductive landscape. Williamson touches on the male need for parental certainty given the neotenous nature of human offspring, who require long-term care and investment. He brings to light the existential concern all fathers face regarding the paternity of their child and the biological drive that encourages men to invest in offspring they believe to be their own. Stewart Williams defines humans as "grandchildren optimizing machines," highlighting the evolutionary logic that drives parental investment and the profound grief experienced by any parent losing a child on the verge of reproductive age.
Women Evolved to Recognize Status, Resources, and Nurturing In Mates
Armstrong discusses the female mating strategy, describing women as "monogamish" and clever, seeking traits in mates such as status, resources, and willingness to nurture. She speaks about the biological cue of newborns resembling their fathers, theorizing that this likeness is nature's way of assuring men of paternity to secure their investment. Over time, a child's resemblance often shifts to mirror the mother more closely, an evolutionary pressure influencing recognition cues and investment dynamics.
Evolutionary Pressures Affe ...
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Counterarguments
- Evolutionary psychology is not the only lens through which to view male-female dynamics; social and cultural factors also play a significant role and can sometimes override biological predispositions.
- The idea that men and women have fixed roles or instincts based on evolutionary pressures is an oversimplification and does not account for the variability and plasticity of human behavior.
- The concept of "parental certainty" as a driving force for men's commitment can be challenged by the increasing societal acceptance of non-traditional family structures and the role of social fathers.
- The "sexy son hypothesis" and the value placed on beauty might not universally apply across cultures or individual preferences, as different societies have different standards of attractiveness and mate selection criteria.
- The notion that women are "monogamish" and seek status and resources might not apply to all women and can perpetuate stereotypes; women's mate preferences are diverse and influenced by a multitude of factors beyond evolutionary pressures.
- The idea that newborns resemble their fathers as a biologic ...
Actionables
- You can reflect on your relationship goals by journaling about what survival and protection mean to you in the context of a partnership. Consider how these evolutionary drives influence your choice of partner and how you might balance them with your desire for love and happiness. For example, if you find yourself valuing financial stability highly, explore whether this is a survival instinct or a genuine preference, and how it aligns with your long-term happiness.
- Enhance your understanding of your own attraction patterns by observing and noting the traits you find appealing in potential partners. Do this without judgment, simply as a way to become more aware of your subconscious preferences. If you notice a pattern of being attracted to individuals with certain status or nurturing qualities, think about how these preferences might relate to evolutionary strategies and what they mean for your current relationship goals.
- Experiment with varying degrees of simil ...
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Importance of Trust, Vulnerability, and Receptiveness in Relationships
Understanding the dynamics of trust, vulnerability, and receptiveness in relationships is crucial for their development and sustainability. With insights from various speakers, the challenges and necessities in these areas are explored.
Trust and Vulnerability Are Critical for Strong Relationships
Women Struggle to Trust Men, Fearing Vulnerability and Exploitation
Alison Armstrong brings up the point that being charmed by a man can lead a woman to trust him and feel safe, suggesting that trust must be earned and is not easily granted. The conversation touches on the need for women to feel secure before being receptive to their partner, implying that women may struggle to trust men when fearing vulnerability. Chris Williamson mentions women's reluctance to open up, possibly due to fear of exploitation or disappointment.
Furthermore, the issue of trust is approached from the angle where Armstrong indicates that women often have an unconditional trust in men, which risks being violated when men fail to meet even a small expectation. This could hint at a deep-seated fear of vulnerability and exploitation. Additionally, women have expectations that men will act upon hints or criticisms, and when men fail to respond as anticipated, it may damage the trust a woman has in the man.
Men Fear Vulnerability as It May Appear Weak or Undermine Power
Armstrong notes that men guard their capacity to care because openly caring involves a significant expenditure of energy and can be perceived as a vulnerability or weakness. She points out that men have a fear of vulnerability as expressing need may appear weak. Additionally, Williamson discusses the need for men to appear strong to whom women can submit, suggesting men may fear vulnerability as it could undermine their power or image. His focus on control and planning also emphasizes a hesitancy to be vulnerable and a desire for security.
Trust, Vulnerability, and Receptiveness Foster Satisfying Relationships
Armstrong shares the perspective that a strong woman showing voluntary vulnerability by admitting a need can be compelling for a man—especially if he can meet that need. Authenticity and the openness to express one's needs are crucial factors contributing to this dynamic. Armstrong also suggests that men and women both need to become skilled at receiving, and Chris Williamson echoes the significance of appreciation in relationships, tying into the theme of receptiveness. ...
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Clarifications
- Alison Armstrong is a relationship expert known for her work on gender dynamics and communication between men and women. Chris Williamson is a podcast host and interviewer who explores personal development and relationship topics. Their views are considered relevant because they draw from extensive experience and interviews with experts in psychology and relationships. Both provide insights that help explain common emotional patterns in men and women.
- "Women have an unconditional trust in men" means they may initially trust men without requiring proof or evidence. This contrasts with "trust must be earned," which means trust is given only after consistent, reliable behavior is demonstrated. The tension arises because unconditional trust can lead to vulnerability if expectations are unmet. Earning trust involves ongoing actions that confirm reliability and safety.
- Women often communicate their needs indirectly through subtle hints or gentle criticisms rather than direct requests. They expect men to notice and respond to these cues as a sign of attentiveness and care. When men do not act on these hints, women may feel unheard or undervalued, which can erode trust. This dynamic reflects different communication styles and expectations in relationships.
- In this context, "submit" means that women feel safe and comfortable relying on or yielding to a man's strength or leadership. Men may desire to appear strong to fulfill traditional roles of protector or provider. This dynamic is often linked to societal expectations about gender roles in relationships. It reflects a psychological need for men to maintain authority or control to feel valued.
- "Men guard their capacity to care" means men protect their emotional energy because showing care requires effort and openness. Caring involves vulnerability since it exposes feelings that could be hurt or rejected. This emotional investment can feel risky, so men may limit how much they show to avoid feeling weak or overwhelmed. Protecting this capacity helps men maintain a sense of control and strength.
- "Blanket trust" means trusting someone completely and unconditionally, without questioning or needing proof. Trust based on "reliable evidence" means building trust gradually by observing consistent, trustworthy behavior over time. This approach reduces risk by verifying that the person meets expectations before fully trusting them. It encourages a balanced, realistic trust rather than blind faith.
- "Opposing instincts" refer to natural, often unconscious behaviors or emotional responses that differ between partners, such as one seeking closeness while the other seeks independence. These instincts can create tension if not recognized and managed, as each partner may misinterpret the other's needs or actions. Awareness and negotiation of these differences help partners balance their needs and build mutual understanding. This dynamic is key to fostering harmony and trust in relationships.
- The phrase "all-encompassing commitment" means men often view marriage as a full, lifelong dedication without reservations. "Conditional commitment" suggests women may base their commitment on ongoing satisfaction and fulfillment of emotional needs. This reflects different emotional approaches to security and trust in relationships. These distinctions are generalizations and can vary widely among individuals.
- A strong woman showing voluntary vulnerability signals trust and openness, which invites emotional connection. It allows a man to feel needed and valued, fulfilling ...
Counterarguments
- Trust and vulnerability are important, but setting boundaries is also crucial to ensure that individuals do not become overly exposed or taken advantage of in relationships.
- The idea that women struggle to trust men due to fear of vulnerability might be an overgeneralization and does not account for individual differences in past experiences, personality, and context.
- The notion that men fear vulnerability because it may appear weak could perpetuate stereotypes about gender roles and does not consider the changing societal norms where men's emotional expression is becoming more accepted.
- The concept that women grant trust when charmed by a man could be seen as a simplification of the complex process of building trust and does not acknowledge that trust can be based on rational decisions and evidence of integrity.
- The assertion that men desire to appear strong and in control might not reflect the experiences of all men and overlooks the diversity of masculine identities.
- The idea that a strong woman showing vulnerability is compelling to a man could be challenged by the perspective that any person, regardless of gender, showing vulnerability can strengthen connections when it is met with empathy.
- The suggestion that men commit to marriage in an all-encompassing way while women commit conditionally could be contested as a stereotype that does not take into account the varied ways in which individuals of any ...
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