#935 - Crappy Childhood Fairy - Limerence Explained: Why Do We Get Addicted To People?
In this episode of Modern Wisdom, Anna Runkle and Chris Williamson examine limerence—an intense, obsessive infatuation with someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings. They discuss how this state differs from normal attraction, explaining its addiction-like characteristics and the way it can persist despite clear rejection, often leading to compulsive behaviors like constant social media monitoring.
The conversation explores the psychological roots of limerence, particularly its connection to childhood attachment issues and early experiences of abandonment. Runkle and Williamson discuss how this phenomenon affects people across gender lines, its potential evolutionary purpose as a mate-pursuit mechanism, and how childhood neglect can transform this natural instinct into a source of emotional distress.
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1-Page Summary
The Nature and Phenomenology of Limerence
In a discussion between Anna Runkle and Chris Williamson, they explore limerence—an intense, obsessive infatuation with someone whose affection is unreciprocated. Runkle describes limerence as an addiction-like state characterized by intrusive thoughts and extreme mood swings tied to interactions with the "limerent object" (LO). Unlike normal infatuation, limerence can persist indefinitely despite clear rejection.
Williamson notes that the unpredictable responses from the LO can fuel obsession similar to gambling addiction, while Runkle adds that limerence often involves a deep craving for validation and a desire to be rescued by another person.
The Psychological and Developmental Drivers of Limerence
According to Runkle, limerence often has roots in childhood attachment wounds and neglect. She suggests that early experiences of abandonment can create a pattern where individuals become attracted to unavailable people, describing this as the "erotization of abandonment." The limerent state often serves as a coping mechanism for emptiness, with individuals using it to escape life's problems or search for meaning.
The Emotional Experience and Addictive Qualities
The emotional experience of limerence, as discussed by Kaya Henderson, Williamson, and Runkle, mirrors addiction patterns. Individuals experience euphoric highs from positive interactions with their LO, followed by devastating crashes when attention is withdrawn. This addictive cycle can severely disrupt daily functioning, leading to obsessive behaviors like constant social media monitoring and, in some cases, stalking.
The Potential Evolutionary Function
While discussing gender differences in limerence, Runkle and Williamson acknowledge that it affects all genders, though expressions may vary based on psychological and developmental factors. The phenomenon might serve an evolutionary purpose as a drive to pursue mates despite rejection risks, though childhood neglect and maladaptive attachment patterns can turn this natural instinct into a source of emotional turmoil.
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Counterarguments
- Limerence may not always be rooted in childhood attachment wounds or neglect; other factors such as personality traits, cultural influences, or even biological predispositions could also play significant roles.
- The comparison of limerence to addiction might be seen as oversimplifying the complexity of human emotions and romantic attachment.
- The idea that limerence serves an evolutionary purpose could be contested by arguing that not all psychological phenomena have clear evolutionary advantages or are products of evolutionary processes.
- The assertion that limerence can persist indefinitely might be too absolute, as some individuals may eventually overcome their limerence through various means such as therapy, self-reflection, or life changes.
- The concept of the "erotization of abandonment" could be challenged by suggesting that not all individuals who experience abandonment issues develop limerence, indicating that there may be other intervening variables at play.
- The notion that limerence is an escape from life's problems or a search for meaning might be too narrow, as some individuals might experience limerence without these underlying motivations.
- The claim that limerence affects all genders might be nuanced by considering that the prevalence and manifestation of limerence could differ among genders due to socialization and differing societal expectations.
- The idea that limerence leads to behaviors like constant social media monitoring and stalking could be seen as conflating a psychological state with actions that are not inherent to limerence itself, but rather represent extreme and unhealthy responses that not all individuals with limerence exhibit.
Actionables
- You can journal your interactions with people you're infatuated with to identify patterns in your behavior and feelings. By writing down your thoughts and emotions after each interaction, you can track the intensity of your feelings and how they fluctuate. This can help you recognize when you're experiencing limerence and the triggers that intensify your obsession. For example, if you notice that receiving a simple text message causes an extreme emotional high, you can start to understand the disproportionate impact this has on your mood.
- Develop a self-soothing toolkit for moments when you feel overwhelmed by limerence. This could include activities like deep breathing, listening to calming music, or engaging in a hobby that requires concentration, such as painting or playing an instrument. The goal is to have a set of go-to actions that can help you manage the intense emotions associated with limerence and reduce the urge to seek out the limerent object for emotional relief.
- Create a support network by reaching out to friends or joining a support group for individuals dealing with similar issues. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can provide a sense of community and reduce feelings of isolation. Additionally, hearing how others cope with their limerence can give you new strategies to try in your own life. For instance, if a group member shares how they've successfully redirected their focus to personal goals whenever they start obsessing over someone, you might be inspired to set your own goals and work towards them.
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The Nature and Phenomenology of Limerence
Anna Runkle and Chris Williamson discuss the phenomenon of limerence—an intense, obsessive infatuation with someone whose affection is unreciprocated—and its parallels to addiction.
Limerence: An Intense, Obsessive Infatuation With Unreciprocated Desire
Limerence has been a quintessential part of human nature throughout history, with examples such as Dante and Beatrice or possibly Heathcliff and Kathy from "Wuthering Heights." Runkle defines limerence as an addiction-like obsession with another person who often is not interested, not available, or doesn't even exist.
Limerence: Intrusive Thoughts, Mood Swings, and Obsession With "Limerent Object" (LO)
Runkle describes how the limerent individual experiences intrusive thoughts, mood swings associated with any interaction or lack thereof with their LO, and an obsession that can envelop their entire being.
Limerence Persists Despite Rejection or Lack of Reciprocation
Limerence tends to persist even when there is clear rejection or a lack of reciprocation. Unlike infatuation, which fades over time, limerence can continue indefinitely. Runkle shares an experience of being targeted by a man convinced they shared the same soul as an example of how persistently these intrusive thoughts can affect a limerent individual.
Limerence: An Addiction-Like Craving For Interaction With the LO
The limerent individual seeks the LO’s attention and validation but often fears confessing their feelings due to the risk of outright rejection and the subsequent loss of any interaction with the LO.
Limerent Seeks Lo's Attention, Validation but Fears Confessing Feelings
Runkle discusses how the person affected by limerence will crave interactions and attention from the LO while fearing rejection. This cycle of hope and disappointment is compared to drug addiction, where one’s life can become consumed by the need for another ‘hit’ of interaction.
Intermittent, Unpredictable LO Responses Fuel Limerent Obsession, Like a Slot Machine
Williamson notes the uncertainty and intermittent positive reinforcement received from the LO, comparing it to the variable schedule rewards of a slot machine. These unpredictable responses can fuel an obsession similar to that of gambling addiction.
Runkle reflects on the limerent concept, suggesting that it involves a deep craving for validation, feeling like wanting to be rescu ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The Nature and Phenomenology of Limerence
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Limerence is an intense infatuation with someone, often unreciprocated, characterized by intrusive thoughts and a strong desire for the person's attention. Parallels to addiction arise from the compulsive nature of seeking validation and interaction with the object of limerence, akin to craving a 'hit' of a substance. The persistent pursuit of the limerent object despite rejection mirrors addictive behavior, where the individual continues seeking gratification despite negative consequences. Understanding limerence through the lens of addiction helps highlight the compulsive and consuming nature of this emotional state.
- In limerence, intrusive thoughts are persistent, unwanted ideas or images about the person the individual is infatuated with. These thoughts can be overwhelming and difficult to control, often intruding into various aspects of the limerent individual's daily life. Mood swings in limerence involve sudden and intense shifts in emotions, triggered by interactions or lack of interactions with the limerent object. These fluctuations can range from euphoria to despair, depending on the perceived responses from the limerent object.
- In the context of limerence, the comparison to drug addiction and gambling addiction highlights the intense craving for interaction with the limerent object (LO) despite potential negative consequences. Just like a drug addict seeks a 'hit' for satisfaction, a limerent individual seeks attention and validation from the LO. The intermittent and unpredictable responses from the LO can create a cycle of hope and disappointment, similar to the reinforcement patterns seen in gambling addiction. These comparisons emphasize the all-consuming nature of limerence and its impact on an individual's emotional well-being.
- Serial limerence is a pattern where individuals repeatedly experience intense infatuations with different people, even if these feelings are not reciprocated. This cycle can lead to a continuous emotional rollercoaster of hope and disappointment. It suggests ...
Counterarguments
- Limerence might not always be as intense or obsessive as described; some individuals may experience it in a milder form.
- The comparison of limerence to addiction could be seen as oversimplifying the complexities of both experiences.
- The historical examples provided, such as Dante and Beatrice or Heathcliff and Kathy, are interpretations of literary works and may not accurately represent the concept of limerence.
- The idea that limerence persists indefinitely may not hold true for everyone; some individuals may overcome limerence without cutting ties with the LO.
- The recommendation to cut ties with the LO might not be the best solution for everyone; some individuals may benefit from professional help to manage their feelings.
- The concept of "serial limerence" could be challenged by suggesting that what is described might sometimes be a pattern of romantic idealization rather than true limerence.
- The assertion that limerence is more about the hope represented by the LO than the person themselves could be debated; for some, the specific qualities of the LO m ...
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The Psychological and Developmental Drivers of Limerence
Runkle delves into the psychological roots and coping mechanisms underlying limerence, suggesting that childhood experiences deeply influence this intense emotional state.
Limerence Tied To Childhood Attachment Wounds and Seeking Validation in Unavailable Sources
Runkle cites correspondence with individuals who typically fall in love with unavailable persons, linking this pattern to childhood neglect or problematic parenting. This lack of attention in childhood can affect neurological development, with Runkle suggesting that the absence or abandonment experienced in relationships with one's mother can imprint a pattern of desiring abandonment. She describes this as the "erotization of abandonment," where the excitement in a relationship is associated with similar feelings of abandonment.
Anxious-Avoidant Individuals May Be Prone to Limerent Fixations
While Runkle does not explicitly mention anxious-avoidant attachment styles, the descriptions provided indicate that individuals who experience limerence might have difficulty forming secure attachments. They are often caught in the trap of unreciprocated desire due to attachment wounds and a pursuit of unavailable sources for validation. Runkle notes that individuals who anxiously pursue limerent objects may appear eager and striving for a relationship but are, in effect, engaging in avoidance.
Limerence as a Coping Mechanism For Emptiness
Runkle articulates how the limerent person's pursuit is a way to experience a "high," functioning as a temporary escape from life's problems or a search for meaning. Limerent individuals may use this state to avoid feelings of loneliness, associating their worth and significance with the relationship with the limerent object (Lo).
Seeking External Validation Perpetuates the Limerent Cycle
The continuous pursuit and idealization of the Lo stem from a need for validation, perpetuating the limerent cycle. Runkle indicates that not disclosing one's feelings to the Lo helps maintain this cycle by avoidi ...
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The Psychological and Developmental Drivers of Limerence
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Limerence may not always stem from childhood experiences; it could also be influenced by genetic predispositions or personality traits that are not necessarily the result of upbringing.
- The concept of "erotization of abandonment" might not be universally applicable, as individuals can develop limerence for reasons other than mirroring past abandonment.
- The link between anxious-avoidant attachment styles and limerence is not conclusively established; some individuals with secure attachments may also experience limerence.
- Limerence could be seen as a normal variation of romantic intensity rather than a coping mechanism for emptiness or a pathological state.
- The pursuit of unavailable sources for validation might be overly simplified; some individuals might be attracted to unavailable partners due to factors like societal norms or personal challenges unrelated to childhood neglect.
- The idea that not disclosing feelings helps maintain the limerent cycle could be challenged by the perspective that open communication might sometimes intensify or prolong limerent feelings.
- The assertion that limerence leads to personal downfall could be seen as a negative framing of what might be a temporary and self-limiting experience for some individ ...
Actionables
- Create a personal history timeline to identify patterns in relationships: Start by jotting down significant events from your childhood to the present, focusing on your relationships and how they made you feel. Look for recurring themes or feelings, such as seeking validation or experiencing abandonment. This can help you understand your current relationship patterns and the origins of your limerence.
- Develop a self-validation practice to reduce dependency on external sources: Begin by listing qualities you appreciate about yourself and achievements you're proud of, regardless of others' opinions. Set aside time each day to reflect on these and add new ones. This habit can foster self-appreciation and decrease the need for external validation.
- Engage in mind ...
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The Emotional Experience and Addictive Qualities of Limerence
Kaya Henderson, Chris Williamson, and Anna Runkle reflect on the intense emotional experience commonly referred to as "limerence," a state that involves significant emotional turmoil and patterns similar to addiction. They discuss how limerence's addictive qualities can not only bring about euphoric highs but also lead to significant challenges in an individual's personal and professional life.
Limerence Involves Emotional Swings, From Euphoria to Despair
Limerent's "High" From Positive Interactions and "Crash" From Lo's Withdrawal
The discussion on limerence introduces a psychological cycle comparable to the highs and crashes experienced in substance dependency. Individuals in the grip of limerence feel elated at any perceived sign of reciprocation from their person of interest. Chris Williamson describes feelings of being overjoyed by positive interactions, while Anna Runkle refers to it as a "high" akin to the presence of something divine. They note that limerence encompasses a wide range of emotions, swinging from anxiety to despair and elation.
Cycle Mirrors Addiction Patterns in Substance Abuse and Behavior
Comparisons are made to the addictive nature of heroin, where limerent highs from personal engagement are followed by significant lows or "crashes" when the Lo withdraws attention. The conversation highlights the intense emotional swings associated with limerence, including arousal at mistreatment or abandonment, further underscoring the dysfunctional nature of the addiction-like state.
Limerence Can Disrupt the Ability to Function In Work, Relationships, and Personal Well-Being
Limerent Individuals May Become Withdrawn, Obsessively Monitor the Lo's Social Media, and Engage In Stalking or Intrusive Behaviors
The addictive aspect of limerence extends to behaviors that disrupt the life of the sufferer. Runkle speaks about intrusiveness, while Williamson reflects on the despair inherent in the condition. Limerent individuals can obsess over their love interest’s social media and may become withdrawn from reality, which can result in stalking or other problematic behaviors. Such preoccupations exemplify the harmful tendencies com ...
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The Emotional Experience and Addictive Qualities of Limerence
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Limerence is a term coined to describe an intense emotional state often associated with romantic feelings towards another person. It involves intrusive thoughts, a strong desire for reciprocation, and a focus on forming a relationship with the object of affection. This concept was developed by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1960s through her research on love and relationships. Limerence is characterized by obsessive thoughts and a deep longing for emotional connection with the person one is infatuated with.
- Intrusiveness in the context of limerence can manifest as behaviors where individuals excessively monitor or invade the personal space of the person they are fixated on. This behavior can include actions like stalking, obsessively checking social media, or engaging in intrusive actions that disrupt the other person's boundaries. Intrusiveness in limerence reflects a lack of respect for personal boundaries and can lead to unhealthy and disruptive behaviors that can negatively impact both parties involved.
- A limerent individual is someone experiencing intense romantic feelings towards another person, characterized by intrusive thoughts, a desire for reciprocation, and a longing to form a relationship. This term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe the state of being in love, distinct from other emotions like infatuation or crushes. Limerence is often described as a heightened form of romantic attraction, involving obsessive thoughts and a deep longing for emotional connection. It can be likened to a state of "love madness" and is considered a more intense experience than a typical crush.
- Self-worth is the value and respect one holds for oneself, influencing how they perceive their abilities, qualities, and overall importance. It plays a crucial role in shaping one's self-esteem and mental well-being. A healthy sense of self-wort ...
Counterarguments
- While limerence can involve emotional swings, not all intense emotional experiences should be pathologized, as strong feelings can also be part of healthy passion and attachment.
- The comparison of limerence to addiction might be seen as oversimplifying complex emotional states and behaviors, as limerence does not always involve the physiological dependencies characteristic of substance abuse.
- The idea that limerence disrupts functioning might not account for individual differences in coping mechanisms and the ability to manage intense emotions without significant disruption to daily life.
- The assertion that limerent individuals may engage in stalking or intrusive behaviors could be challenged by emphasizing that not all individuals experiencing limerence will exhibit such extreme behaviors, and it is important not to stigmatize intense romantic feelings.
- The claim that limerence distorts self-worth and hinders balanced re ...
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The Potential Evolutionary Function of Limerence
Limerence: An Evolutionary Drive to Pursue Mates Despite Rejection Risks
Discussions about limerence suggest it might have an evolutionary basis, acting as a natural instinct to fall in love and find a mate, which operates even without the presence of a suitable partner.
Limerence's Focus Enhanced Mating Success in Partner-Limited Environments
While not directly addressed in the provided content, the drive to find love, even where there is none, hints at the evolutionary benefit of enhanced mating success in environments where potential partners are limited.
Maladaptive Attachment and Emotional Turmoil
Childhood neglect can be severely detrimental, creating a maladaptive attachment strategy and leading to further emotional turmoil. This insight aligns with aspects of limerence, suggesting that intense attachment feelings might sometimes become counterproductive.
Gender's Role in Limerence: Both Men and Women Experience It, Potentially Differing In Expression and Intensity
Women May Be More Prone to Limerent Fixations due to Societal and Gender-Based Emotional Patterns
The content implies that women might experience limerence differently, potentially more prone to it due to societal and emotional patterns specific to gender. For example, Anna Runkle speaks about young women possibly tipping into toxic obsession and equating feelings from sexual experiences with the full dimension of love.
This Is a Heading: Limerence Can Occur In any Gender, ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The Potential Evolutionary Function of Limerence
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Limerence is a term used to describe an intense romantic attraction or infatuation towards another person. Some researchers suggest that limerence may have an evolutionary basis, serving as a natural drive to seek out and form relationships with potential mates, even in situations where a suitable partner may not be readily available. This evolutionary perspective proposes that limerence could have developed as a mechanism to enhance mating success in environments where finding a partner is challenging.
- Maladaptive attachment in the context of limerence relates to unhealthy emotional bonds formed due to past experiences like childhood neglect. These attachments can lead to intense and sometimes counterproductive feelings of attachment towards others. Maladaptive attachment patterns can contribute to emotional turmoil and impact how individuals form relationships, potentially influencing the experience of limerence. Understanding these patterns can shed light on the complexities of limerence and its connection to past emotional experiences.
- Gender differences in experiences of limerence suggest that men and women may exhibit variations in how they perceive and express intense romantic feelings. Factors such as societal norms, emotional patterns, and individual psychological traits can influence how limerence manifests in different genders. While limerence is a universal human experience, the way it is experienced and expressed can vary based on gender-specific influences and personal development. Researchers explore how societal expectations and gender roles may shape the intensity and nature of limerent experiences i ...
Counterarguments
- The evolutionary basis of limerence is speculative and not conclusively proven; alternative theories suggest that limerence could be a byproduct of other psychological processes rather than an evolutionary adaptation.
- The idea that limerence enhances mating success could be challenged by the argument that it may also lead to wasted resources and energy on unattainable partners, which could be detrimental to survival and reproduction.
- While childhood neglect can lead to maladaptive attachment, not all individuals who experience limerence have a history of neglect, indicating that other factors may also contribute to its development.
- The assertion that women may be more prone to limerent fixations could be criticized for potentially reinforcing gender stereotypes without sufficient empirical evidence to support such a claim.
- The statement that limerence is not gender-specific and varies bas ...
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