#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself

Joe Hudson cautions against the dangers of managing emotions and emphasizes the importance of emotional clarity in coping with stress. He encourages a full experience of emotions and advises replacing self-criticism with self-understanding for positive growth.

Repressed Emotions Cause Stress and Hinder Growth

Hudson identifies repressed emotions as a significant stressor and explains how living under prolonged fear can inhibit the experience of a full range of emotions, thus hampering emotional growth. He illustrates this with the "critical parent hunch," a physical manifestation of repressed anger stemming from his father's criticism. When emotions are properly processed, Hudson notes a visible change in one's body posture and facial expressions.

Emotions Should Be Welcomed and Clearly Experienced, Not Repressed or Managed

Hudson introduces the concept of emotional clarity in opposition to emotional management or regulation. He criticizes the practice of tightening down one's emotional system to manage emotions, suggesting instead that emotions be clearly experienced, welcomed, and loved. This welcoming attitude extends to overcoming shame and feeling emotions underneath it, and he suggests that defensiveness stagnates emotions. Hudson asserts that fear often arises when people don’t allow themselves to feel other emotions, using a mother using fear to control her environment as an example. He maintains that life inherently includes tension and that seeking to eliminate tension is futile; instead, he suggests finding peace in embracing and enjoying tension.

Negative Self-Talk Drains Energy and Productivity

Hudson compares constant self-criticism to enduring a war zone in one’s own head. He highlights the exhausting nature of negative self-talk, which acts as a major contributor to stress and drains energy. The critical self-talk or negative inner voice, Hudson explains, often stems from figures from childhood, such as parents or teachers, and can persist into adulthood, manifesting as defensiveness when one hears similar criticisms. He notes that people who are emotionally abused may learn to stop feeling certain emotions. He relays how elimination of such negative self-talk can greatly increase energy and productivity; for instance, CEOs who constantly criticize themselves may experience adrenal fatigue, and upon retirement, they often undergo periods of inactivity, recovering quickly if they stop the self-abuse, although adrenal recovery may still need to be managed.

Replace Self-Improvement With Self-Unders ...

Joe Hudson and Chris Williamson engage in a discussion around the criticality of vulnerability for creating deep, meaningful relationships.

Vulnerability and Openness Are Essential for Meaningful Relationships

Hudson emphasizes that vulnerability is a prerequisite for joy, as joy thrives in an environment that welcomes all emotions. He suggests that staying open-hearted, even in conflict, builds trust and that an open heart leads to better connections.

Avoiding Vulnerability Leads To Isolation and Superficial Connections

When discussing resentment in relationships, Hudson identifies the failure to speak one’s truth out of fear as a key issue. He asserts that avoiding vulnerability can lead to isolation and superficial connections. Williamson mentions that revealing who we are can be frightening due to potential consequences, but it's essential for being loved authentically.

Authentic Connection Requires Courage to Share True Self, Even Risking Rejection

Joe Hudson discusses the courage required to pursue authentic connections, including expressing needs and facing the risk of rejection. Conflicts resolved through mutual understanding strengthen bonds, and Hudson underscores the importance of embracing one’s true self to prevent resentment and create harmony.

Vulnerability and Imperfections Boost Likability and Trust

Hudson and Williamson both understand that imperfection and vulnerability can increase likability and trust. Williamson discusses a study showing that people prefer someone who shows fallibility, indicating the strength of authenticity. Hudson notes that supporting each other through shared experiences, including ...

Chris Williamson and Joe Hudson explore the fine line between self-sufficiency and the need for interpersonal connections, focusing on how fear of abandonment can inspire an unhealthy dependence on self-reliance, which can hinder the ability to work collaboratively and live fully.

Fear of Abandonment Fuels Self-Reliance

The hosts discuss the impact of a deep-seated fear of abandonment on the development of self-reliance.

Unhealthy "I'm Alone" Mentality Challenges Collaboration

Hudson reflects on a developmental stage where some individuals feel they have no control over their life, leading to excessive self-reliance as a way to gain a sense of choice and the ability to shape their world. He notes that this mentality results in a reluctance to experience deep loneliness and thus a reaction of self-reliance, which he asserts "slows us down" and limits what can be accomplished individually.

Hudson also discusses the reluctance to express certain things in a relationship due to fear of abandonment. This fear can lead individuals to develop a self-reliant attitude as a protective mechanism. Hudson says that being scared to be abandoned equates to already abandoning oneself. For example, not sharing true feelings in a relationship out of fear is an act of self-abandonment.

True Self-Reliance Involves Recognizing and Accepting the Need For Connection and Support

Williamson inquires whether there is such a thing as too much self-reliance, suggesting that a balance is necessary.

Balance of Self-Reliance and Openness Leads To Greater Resilience and Fulfillment

Hudson suggests that altering the internal relationship with oneself can affect one's relationships with others. He says that if ...

Seeking External Validation Leads To a Hollow Existence

Joe Hudson and Chris Williamson express concerns regarding the consequences of seeking external validation and its impact on personal fulfillment.

Appeasing Others Leads To Self-Abandonment and Resentment

Hudson hints at the necessity of fulfilling one's own needs and cautions against constantly prioritizing others, which can result in self-abandonment. Williamson discusses the idea of 'holistic selfishness' or 'integrated self-priority' as unapologetically putting oneself first, despite any discomfort it may cause others. They address how prioritizing careers over relationships often stems from a quest for recognition, which is just another form of external validation seeking.

Hudson describes the "hungry ghosts" phenomenon, where individuals crave approval but when they receive it, they dismiss it, perpetuating a never-satisfied state. Similarly, Williamson warns against the endless chase for a "sense of completion," as constantly moving goalposts and seeking accolades leads to never truly enjoying achievements.

Williamson critically views behaviors leading to self-abandonment in an attempt to prevent others from leaving, which sets one up for a hollow existence filled with resentment. Self-abandonment can also manifest as managing or appeasing others' emotions which, if not addressed, can lead to passive-aggressive behavior or a sense of isolation in those who are self-reliant.

Hudson points out that labeling oneself as 'selfish' often reflects parents' expectations, which might actually conceal a yearning for validation rather than representing genuine self-care. Driving this point further, Hudson talks about how trying to make others happy, instead of letting them take responsibility for their happiness, can build resentment. It implies that individuals can't make themselves happy without someone else, which is not a healthy stance in relationships.

Fulfillment Comes From Aligning Actions and Identity With Core Values and Desires

Hudson and Williamson imply that personal fulfillment emerges from internal alignment rather than external approval. Williamson suggests true fulfillment is found by valuing intimate relationships with those who appreciate you for who you genuinely are, offering genuine support and acceptance.

Sharing personal narratives, Hudson recounts his friend’s journey of mourning a breakup, which ultimately led to improvements in various aspects of life. Mourning and communicating true needs can lead to healthier relationships and self-understanding. Additionally, striving for control and trying to manage the world is a stressful endeavor, Hudson adds, indicating that letting go of such control could pave the way for more fulfilling experiences.

Hudson and Williamson's conversation suggests that fulfilling oneself, while potentially impacting others, is key to achieving a sense of contentment. For example, Hudson notes that attending a party out of obligation detracts from the experience for everyone involved. Instead, actions aligning with one's genuine desires rather than a sense of duty would lead to fulfillment.

The discussion extends to the concept of self-acceptance, where Hudson states that by accepting more of oneself, it becomes easier to accept a broader range of people and behaviors. This alignment between self-perception and positive aspects could be in line with core values and identities, leading to a more fulfilling existence.

Hudson and Williamson suggest that authenticity is central to fulfillment. Being true to oneself facilitates more efficient success that doesn't rely on external measures like follo ...