#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
In this episode of the Modern Wisdom podcast, John Delony shares insights on navigating grief and loss, developing meaningful social connections, and cultivating emotional health and self-worth. He emphasizes the importance of allowing time and space for the grieving process and incorporating rituals for closure.
Delony and host Chris Williamson discuss the challenges men face in identifying and expressing emotions, examining the role societal expectations play. They explore the tension between ambition and emotional wellbeing, advocating for a mindful pace aligned with one's values. The conversation delves into finding fulfillment by aligning actions with personal values rather than seeking external validation through success.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Mar 27, 2025 episode of the Modern Wisdom
Sign up for Shortform to access the whole episode summary along with additional materials like counterarguments and context.
1-Page Summary
Navigating Grief and Loss
According to John Delony, grief is a natural response to loss, yet society often overlooks or inadequately addresses it. Delony emphasizes the significance of presence, rituals, and the impact of repressed grief.
Grief Requires Time, Space, and Loved Ones' Support
Delony stresses that grieving individuals primarily need their loved ones' silent presence, not advice or solutions. He illustrates this through stories of friends' simple yet comforting acts, like sitting silently beside him in tough times.
The Importance of Rituals in Grieving
Delony proposes the value of rituals, like a "funeral for a relationship" ceremony, to mark the end of grief and provide closure. This highlights the supportive role loved ones can play in the grieving process through such meaningful rituals.
Dangers of Repressed Grief
Delony warns that ignoring grief can lead to emotional "leakage" manifesting as rage, rumination, depression or impaired functioning. Unresolved past traumas may also cause significant mental health issues over time. He suggests creating ceremonial markers to process and provide closure for repressed grief.
Building Meaningful Relationships and Social Connections
Williamson and Delony discuss the significance of cultivating deep personal bonds outside of work for overall happiness.
Vulnerability and Shared Experiences Foster Closeness
Delony emphasizes vulnerability and shared experiences, like team sports or music activities, as catalysts for fostering meaningful connections. Williamson shares his goal of replicating the camaraderie of touring bands on his own future tours.
Maintaining Close Ties Requires Ongoing Effort
Both hosts touch on the struggle of directly communicating needs and desires within relationships. Delony states that society often discourages imposing on others, leading to transactional bonds. They advise addressing grievances promptly to prevent resentment.
Understanding and Processing Emotions
Williamson and Delony explore the challenges men face in feeling and expressing emotions, while stressing the importance of processing them.
Men Can Struggle With Emotional Openness
Williamson highlights "male normative alexithymia" – the difficulty some men experience identifying and communicating emotions due to societal expectations of masculine self-sufficiency and strength.
Journaling Aids Emotional Attunement
Both hosts advocate journaling to become more emotionally attuned. Williamson finds personal journaling valuable, while Delony suggests guided journaling with prompts can provide helpful perspective.
Properly Processing Emotions Is Crucial for Mental Health
The hosts warn against over-intellectualizing emotions, arguing it hinders true processing. They state that unresolved emotions can cause ongoing mental health issues. Recounting personal experiences, they share various methods like psychotherapy, EMDR, ACT and silent presence to work through difficult emotions healthily.
Seeking Fulfillment and Self-Worth
The discussion examines pitfalls of seeking external validation for self-worth versus pursuing a more fulfilling life aligned with personal values.
External Validation and Success Can't Provide Lasting Self-Worth
Williamson and Delony highlight how basing self-worth on achievements and status can become an addictive, self-perpetuating cycle without true fulfillment. Even obtaining wealth and fame does not resolve core issues, as highlighted by Jim Carrey.
Aligning Actions With Values Promotes Fulfillment
Williamson stresses acting according to personal values, not just external markers of success. Delony suggests noting sources of joy and meaning, beyond productivity. They advocate self-actualization through lifelong growth rather than attaining certain milestones.
Self-Acceptance Is Key for Healthy Self-Worth
The hosts acknowledge the difficulty of combating self-criticism and developing self-compassion. Delony shares using third-person self-talk to avoid harshness. They recommend evaluating self-worth based on qualities like empathy over accomplishments alone.
The Tension Between Productivity/Ambition and Emotional Well-Being
Delony and Williamson address the tension between achievement drive and emotional well-being, noting how relentless ambition can harm one's health.
Achievement Drive Without Self-Care Risks Burnout
Delony recounts his health scare from overworking, signaling the dangers of achievement obsession without self-nurturing. Williamson adds that emotional deprivation also stems from prioritizing success over balanced living.
Mindful Living Enhances Productivity and Well-Being
The hosts suggest aligning actions with values can require slowing down - through "chilling out" with nature time or disengaging from work - to be more present and focused. A deliberate pace allows savoring life over a fixation on constant accomplishment.
Ambitions Should Align With Personal Values
Delony questions if self-actualization aims are misplaced in chasing "summit experiences" versus living with purpose daily. Williamson advises adjusting ambitions as needed to align with one's evolving values and well-being needs over time.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While presence of loved ones is crucial for some during grief, others may prefer solitude or the company of a professional therapist to process their emotions.
- Rituals can be helpful, but they may not provide closure for everyone; some individuals might find closure through personal reflection or alternative coping mechanisms.
- Direct communication is important, but it's also essential to recognize that different people have varying communication styles and comfort levels, which can affect how they address grievances.
- The concept of "male normative alexithymia" could be seen as an overgeneralization; not all men struggle with emotional openness, and societal norms are changing to encourage emotional expression in men.
- Journaling is a useful tool for many, but it might not be effective for everyone; some people may benefit more from other forms of expression, such as art or verbal communication.
- The emphasis on aligning actions with personal values assumes that individuals have the privilege and resources to make choices aligned with their values, which may not be the case for everyone.
- The idea that self-acceptance is key for healthy self-worth is important, but it's also necessary to acknowledge that external factors, such as systemic discrimination, can significantly impact one's self-worth.
- The suggestion that mindful living enhances productivity might not apply to all professions or lifestyles; some tasks or jobs may require a faster pace or a different approach to productivity.
- The notion that ambitions should align with personal values is ideal, but practical considerations, such as financial obligations, can sometimes necessitate pursuing goals that are not perfectly aligned with one's values.
Actionables
- Create a "Grief Support Kit" to offer to friends or family experiencing loss, including items like a comforting blanket, a journal, a list of helpful local resources, and a personal note offering your presence and support. This kit can be a tangible way to show you care and provide practical help during their grieving process.
- Start a "Values-Based Goal Journal" where you set weekly personal goals that align with your core values, rather than external achievements. For example, if one of your values is kindness, you might set a goal to perform a random act of kindness each day. This practice encourages you to live in accordance with what truly matters to you, enhancing fulfillment.
- Implement a "Daily Emotional Check-In" using a simple app or notebook to rate and note your emotions and the events that triggered them throughout the day. Over time, you'll be able to identify patterns and triggers for certain emotions, helping you to process them more effectively and communicate your needs to others.
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Navigating Grief and Loss
John Delony emphasizes that grief is a natural response to loss that is often overlooked or inadequately addressed in our culture, with the importance of presence, rituals, and the impact of repressed grief being key points of discussion.
Grief Is Natural and Often Overlooked In Our Culture
Grief is a significant emotional process, and Delony believes it is crucial to give it the attention it deserves. He illustrates this by mentioning sitting with someone who lost a child, recognizing the depth of their suffering. He critiques culture for having an "allergy to grief," observing that in the past, grieving was part of daily life, with mourning often taking place in the home. Delony discusses how modern society tends to distance itself from the grieving process, whereas it used to be more present in everyday life. Notably, Delony expresses that feeling sadness after a significant event like a relationship break-up signifies that your body is reacting appropriately, advising against trying to rush through these feelings.
Grieving Need Time and Space, Not Just Solutions or Advice
Delony stresses the importance of time, space, and the presence of loved ones during the grieving process, rather than solutions or advice. After experiencing his wife's miscarriages, he realized that being emotionally present was more helpful than attempting to offer analytical solutions. Delony further clarifies that during tough times, individuals don't need their loved ones to seek out answers or theories, but rather to simply be with them.
Rituals and Support Are Important For Grieving
Loved Ones' Silent Presence Offers Comfort In Tough Times
Delony speaks of grief needing a witness—it cannot be done alone. Through a personal story, he showcases the power of silent presence; he recounts how a friend spent hours with him silently in the hospital, highlighting how impactful and comforting it can be to have someone simply sit with you in moments of grief. He proposes the idea of a "funeral for a relationship" ceremony to mark an end to grieving, demonstrating the value of ritual and ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Navigating Grief and Loss
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While grief is natural, the degree to which it is overlooked in culture can vary widely among different societies and communities; some may have robust support systems and traditions for mourning.
- The emphasis on presence might not account for individuals who find solace in solitude or who process grief in more private ways.
- Rituals and support are important, but the type and extent of rituals that are helpful can differ greatly among individuals, and some may find less formal or non-traditional approaches more healing.
- The idea that repressed grief always manifests in unhealthy ways may not consider the complexity of human coping mechanisms, and some individuals may be able to compartmentalize their grief without negative consequences.
- The assertion that grieving needs time and space might not recognize that for some people, engaging in work or activities can be a valid and effective part of their grieving process.
- The concept of a loved one's silent presence ...
Actionables
- Create a personal grief journal to explore and express your feelings. Writing can be a therapeutic way to acknowledge and work through grief. Start by dedicating a notebook where you can freely express your thoughts, emotions, and memories related to your loss. This can be a private space where you're not looking for solutions or advice, but rather giving yourself the time and space to grieve.
- Develop a small, personal ritual to honor your feelings of loss. Rituals can provide a sense of control and comfort during times of grief. This could be as simple as lighting a candle daily, visiting a place that was special to you and the person you lost, or even setting aside a few moments each day to sit quietly and reflect on your feelings.
- Offer to be a compassionate listener for someone else experiencing g ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Building Meaningful Relationships and Social Connections
Chris Williamson and John Delony discuss the necessity of building and maintaining deep personal relationships separate from work to enhance overall well-being and happiness.
Deep, Meaningful Friendships Outside Work Enhance Well-Being
Williamson and Delony argue that friendships outside of work contexts can significantly contribute to an individual's well-being.
Isolation Risk From Solely Dependent Work Relationships
John Delony emphasizes the risks associated with having friends exclusively in the workplace, as it can lead to potential isolation if work dynamics change, such as getting let go or encountering work conflicts. Chris Williamson discusses the specific vulnerability men face post-divorce, where their reliance on their spouse's social network can lead to increased isolation.
Shared Experiences and Vulnerability Foster Meaningful Bonds
Cohesion Builders: Team Sports & Music Activities
Delony expresses a desire for compassionate connections and suggests that vulnerability and shared experiences foster stronger relationships. Williamson echoes this sentiment through his tales of bands who endure rigorous tours, finding joy and camaraderie in performing together. Williamson articulates his aspirations to carry this sense of shared joy into his planned tours in America and Canada, contemplating the idea of touring with a warmup act for the sake of companionship and high-fives post-performance.
Maintaining Close Relationships Requires Ongoing Effort and Intentionality.
Struggle to Ask Partners For Wants or Needs
Williamson reveals a personal struggle with asking for help or company outside transactional interactions, and Delony expands on this theme, explaining that modern society often discourages people from imposing on others, leading to transactional relationships and a reluctance to ask for help or simple companionship. ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Building Meaningful Relationships and Social Connections
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While deep friendships outside of work can enhance well-being, some individuals may find fulfillment and deep connections within their professional relationships, blurring the lines between work and personal life in a positive way.
- The risk of isolation from solely dependent work relationships may be overstated for those who have a strong sense of identity outside of their job or who work in highly social and supportive industries.
- Shared experiences and vulnerability are important, but not the only ways to foster meaningful bonds; some relationships may thrive on intellectual stimulation, mutual support, or common values rather than shared activities or emotional vulnerability.
- Team sports and music activities are great cohesion builders, but they may not suit everyone's interests or abilities; other activities like book clubs, volunteering, or individual sports can also build strong social ties.
- Maintaining close relationships does require effort and intentionality, but it's also important to recognize that some relationships may naturally ebb and flow or end, which can be a healthy part of life.
- The struggle to ask partners for wants or needs might not be universal; some cultures or individuals may have no issue with this and may even prioritize open communication as a norm.
- The idea that modern society discourages imposing on others could be a cultural generalization; there are many communities and societies that emphasize collective support and interdependence.
- Misinterpretation of mundane domestic habits leading to character judgments might not always be the case; some partners may have a strong understanding and clear communication that prevents such misunderstandings.
- Staying in unfulfilling relationships might not always be due to not knowing how to have needs met or f ...
Actionables
- You can deepen your friendships by scheduling a monthly "experience day" with a friend where you both try something new together, like a cooking class, a DIY workshop, or a local adventure. This creates shared memories and opportunities for vulnerability, which can strengthen your bond.
- Start a "needs and wants" journal where you reflect on your personal desires and practice articulating them clearly. Use this as a preparation tool before conversations with friends or partners, ensuring you can express your needs confidently and constructively.
- Implem ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Understanding and Processing Emotions
Chris Williamson and John Delony discuss the challenges of feeling and expressing emotions, and the importance of processing them for mental health.
Men Struggle With Expressing Emotions
Masculinity Norms Can Discourage Open Emotional Expression
Williamson sheds light on the concept of "male normative alexithymia," which highlights a condition where men find it challenging to feel and express emotions. The struggles men face due to societal expectations include a desire to open up without being judged and the need to appear strong and self-sufficient. These social norms often discourage men from being vulnerable.
Journaling Aids In Attuning To Internal Experiences
Williamson and Delony discuss various methods for becoming in tune with one's emotions.
Journaling With a Partner or Mentor Offers Perspective and Support
Williamson finds journaling beneficial in learning about himself, evolving his practice from an administrative task to one focused on gratitude and genuine emotion. Delony points out that guided journaling can help people process their emotions and thoughts with prompts from online courses or guidance, like those provided by Luke Lefever.
Processing Emotions Crucial for Mental Health
Intellectualizing Emotions Can Be Counterproductive
Psychotherapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are mentioned as ways to process emotions. While psychotherapy opened up many questions for Williamson, ACT is described as allowing thoughts to pass without internal conflict. Delony notes the importance of not intellectualizing emotions but rather allowing the body to heal by not reacting to past events as if they are current.
EMDR is mentioned as a w ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Understanding and Processing Emotions
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While journaling can be beneficial, it may not be suitable for everyone; some individuals might find other forms of expression, such as art or physical activity, more effective in processing emotions.
- The concept of "male normative alexithymia" could be seen as an oversimplification, as emotional expression difficulties are not exclusive to men and can be influenced by a variety of individual and cultural factors.
- The emphasis on not intellectualizing emotions might overlook the value that some individuals find in understanding the roots and triggers of their emotions through analysis, which can be an important step in emotional processing for some.
- While ACT and EMDR are mentioned as effective therapies, it's important to acknowledge that there are many therapeutic approaches, and the best method can vary greatly depending on the individual's needs and preferences.
- The idea that unresolved emotions always lead to mental health issues could be challenged by the perspective that some individuals may find ways to live with unresolved emotions without significant detriment to their mental health.
- ...
Actionables
- You can create an emotion-themed book club with friends to explore emotional literacy through literature. Choose books that delve into the emotional experiences of the characters, and hold regular discussions to reflect on how these fictional experiences relate to your own emotional challenges. This can help normalize the conversation around emotions, particularly for men, and provide a shared space to practice expressing feelings.
- Start a 'mood food' diary to track how different foods affect your emotions. Note what you eat and how you feel afterward, looking for patterns that might emerge. This can be a practical way to become more in tune with your emotional responses and recognize the impact of diet on your mental health, without the direct pressure of confronting emotions head-on.
- Engage in role-reversal exercises with a trusted friend whe ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Seeking Fulfillment and Self-Worth
The conversation examines the pitfalls of seeking external validation for self-worth and the pursuit of a more fulfilling approach to life that aligns with personal values and desires.
Basing Self-Worth on External Validation Can Lead To an Unfulfilling Life
Status and Success Addiction: A Self-Perpetuating Cycle
The dialogue addresses the issue that people often base their self-worth on achievements and productivity, leading to a transactional type of validation that can dissipate quickly. The distinction is made between obtaining love for one's actions (seen as enduring) and love for one's identity (desired but not the typical self-judgment).
Chris Williamson and John Delony highlight the addiction to status and success, which may stem from a lack of childhood validation. They argue that this addiction to success can become an endless chase that neglects the present moment. Delony tells a personal story of hitting financial milestones but finding no satisfaction, only his wife's concern for his health and questioning when it will be "enough." People seeking fulfillment in wealth and fame discover that these do not solve underlying issues, echoing Jim Carrey's sentiment on the futility of external validation.
Align Actions With Values and Desires, Not Societal Expectations, for Lasting Fulfillment
Reflecting On Joy and Meaning, Not Just Productivity or Impressiveness, Can Help Reorient Priorities
Acknowledging the allure of appearing successful, Williamson stresses the importance of aligning actions with personal values for true fulfillment, warning against the confusion of societal markers for a 'good life' with personal happiness. Delony and Williamson advocate recognizing the value in everyday consistent work and meaningful activities over mere productivity or impressiveness.
Williamson shares his practice of listing things he's grateful for each morning to foster reflection on personal joy and meaning rather than impressiveness. Delony suggests true self-actualization comes from lifelong participation and contribution, rather than attaining a certain status.
Self-Compassion and ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Seeking Fulfillment and Self-Worth
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While seeking external validation can be unfulfilling, it can also provide motivation and a framework for setting and achieving goals, which can contribute to personal growth and satisfaction.
- Some individuals may find that wealth and fame do indeed contribute to their sense of fulfillment, especially if they use their resources and influence to make a positive impact on the world.
- The pursuit of status and success does not necessarily preclude living in the present moment; it is possible to strive for achievements while also appreciating and enjoying current experiences.
- Aligning actions with personal values is important, but societal expectations can also reflect collective wisdom and beneficial norms that can guide individuals toward a fulfilling life.
- Productivity and impressiveness can be sources of joy and meaning for some people, especially if their work is closely tied to their passions and interests.
- Self-actualization may not only come from lifelong participation and contribution but also from moments of personal insight, spiritual experiences, or profound connections with others.
- Self-compassion and self-acceptance are important, but they should be balanced with a realistic self-assessment that can drive self-improvement and personal development.
- Affir ...
Actionables
- Create a "Values Vision Board" to visually align daily actions with personal values. Use a corkboard or digital app to pin images, quotes, and symbols that represent your core values. This visual reminder can help you make decisions that are congruent with what you truly value, rather than being swayed by external validation.
- Start a "Joy Journal" to shift focus from productivity to personal fulfillment. Dedicate a few minutes each evening to write down moments that brought you joy or a sense of meaning that day. This practice can help you identify patterns in activities that fulfill you beyond societal measures of success.
- Develop a "Self-Compassion Reminder" system using phone alarms or ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
The Tension Between Productivity/Ambition and Emotional Well-Being
The discussion between hosts Delony and Williamson addresses the consequential tension between an individual's drive for achievements and their emotional well-being. Delony's own health scare, prompted by his relentless pursuit of professional success, encapsulates the thematic concern that an achievement-oriented lifestyle can be detrimental to one's health.
Achievement Drive Can Harm Mental and Physical Health
Overdoing It Without Self-Care Leads To Burnout and Illness
Delony shares his troubling story of celebrating professional milestones while enduring physical decline—gauntness, exhaustion, and sickness—signs that his work ethic has adverse effects on his health. This narrative reflects a destructive cycle where the compulsion for constant achievement leaves no room for self-care, spiraling into a burnout scenario. Both hosts understand this cycle well; Williamson recounts his own physically taxing year, signaling how the pressure for success can manifest physically.
The struggle isn't solely physical. Williamson delves into emotional deprivation in relationships, another side effect of this unbalanced drive. Delony critiques the ignorance of emotional "dashboards," suggesting that disregarding emotional signals is akin to spray-painting over a vehicle's warning gauges, potentially leading to disaster. Encouraging loop closure after therapy, Delony hints that unresolved emotional issues can take a toll on mental well-being if not adequately addressed.
Slower, Balanced Living Enhances Productivity and Fulfillment
Letting Go Of Constant Availability Fosters Deeper Focus and Progress
The hosts discuss the detrimental effects of over-discipline and the myth of constant winning. Delony and Williamson emphasize that achieving a healthier balance might require "chilling out," which can include actions as simple as logging off work communication tools or spending a day in nature. Such measures encourage presence and mindfulness, providing the mental space for deeper focus which then propels personal growth. Williamson, reflecting on a period of restricted capacity due to health problems, discovered the inherent value in a slower, more deliberate pace of living that allows one to savor life's simpler pleasures.
Align Ambitions With Values, Not External Pressures
Regularly Adjust Goals for a Healthy Work-Life Balance
The discussion further explores the issue of accomplishment-driven actions that are ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The Tension Between Productivity/Ambition and Emotional Well-Being
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While achievement drive can lead to burnout, it is also true that some individuals thrive under pressure and their well-being is enhanced by a sense of accomplishment and progress.
- Over-discipline may be detrimental for some, but for others, structure and discipline are essential for maintaining focus and achieving goals, contributing positively to their emotional well-being.
- Slower, balanced living might enhance productivity for some, but others may find that a fast-paced environment stimulates their creativity and productivity.
- Constant availability can be overwhelming, but in some professions, such as those in healthcare or emergency services, it is necessary and can be managed without sacrificing well-being.
- Aligning ambitions with values is important, but it is also possible to find fulfillment in achieving goals that are influenced by external pressures, such as societal or familial expectations, if they are integra ...
Actionables
- You can create a "value compass" by writing down your top five values and using them to evaluate your daily tasks. If a task doesn't align with any of these values, consider if it's necessary or if it can be delegated or eliminated. For example, if one of your values is "family time," and you find yourself working late hours regularly, you might decide to set a strict end to your workday to ensure you have dinner with your family.
- Develop a "slow hour" ritual where you dedicate one hour each day to an activity that requires deep focus but brings you joy, such as reading, gardening, or crafting. This practice can help you disengage from the rush of daily life and improve your overall productivity by giving your mind a restful break.
- Implement a "goal evolution diary" where you regularly record and reflect on your ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Create Summaries for anything on the web
Download the Shortform Chrome extension for your browser
