#908 - Dr Shannon Curry - What Traits Should You Look For In A Partner?

Shannon Curry and Chris Williamson dissect the complex reality that relationships, particularly marriages, are a balance of accepting certain difficulties for certain gains.

Marriage Involves Accepting Familiar Partner Flaws Over Unfamiliar Ones

Greener Grass: Every Relationship Has Unique Challenges

Curry delves into the nuances of marital commitment, implying that being married means accepting your partner's flaws or incongruences. She suggests that acknowledging that every person you’re going to live with will have flaws sets a realistic expectation for marriage. Curry explains that embracing the idea that "the grass might be greener on the other side" is liberating, as it's an acknowledgment that every relationship will face its own set of unique challenges.

Curry notes that common marital issues such as discrepancies in sex drive and disagreements over household roles, child-rearing, religion, and discipline are all challenges that can be overcome. This realization can be freeing because it signifies an end to the pursuit of something seemingly perfect. Understanding that marrying someone means accepting a specific set of challenges prevents the nagging feeling of potentially missing out on a better relationship elsewhere.

Relationships Trade one Discomfort for Another

Sacrificing Comforts For Partner Benefits

Chris Williamson illustrates the concept of relational trade-offs by discussing how the dissatisfaction of unfulfilled desires in one partnership might simply be exchanged for a different type of discomfort in another relationship. The essence of his insight is that you might leave one relationship to fin ...

Research by Tai Tashiro has illuminated three core personality traits that appear to play a key role in the longevity and satisfaction of marriages.

"3 Key Qualities" Identified by Tai Tashiro

Tai Tashiro's study highlights three critical qualities that are evident in individuals who enjoy enduring and satisfying relationships.

Conscientiousness - Being Thoughtful, Kind, and Industrious

Conscientiousness is a crucial quality for relationship success, correlating directly with relationship satisfaction. As Shannon Curry discusses, conscientiousness manifests as a thoughtful kindness that is action-oriented, combining observation, intelligence, and motivation. It's not just about being nice; it's about actively and constantly showing care and consideration. For example, a conscientious person might bring their partner coffee every morning or check their partner's phone for alarm mistakes, demonstrating anticipation of needs and a compassionate approach without expecting anything in return.

Adaptability Amid Changes or Challenges

Flexibility or low neuroticism is another significant personality trait tied to relationship success. It's characterized by being easygoing, able to handle stress or unexpected situations, and quickly returning to a baseline state of calm without undue delay. Adaptability is paramount in a partner, as it allows for coping with life's ups and downs without becoming overly attached to outcomes or succumbing to anxiety. This trait is typified by someone like the character Aiden from Sex and the City, who is seen as the pinnacle of flexibility and non-attachment.

Moderate Adventurousness - Avoiding Compulsive Novelty

The third trait Tashiro identifies is low to moderate adventurousness, which promotes stability and a focus on family, vital for in ...

Shannon Curry emphasizes that a strong foundational friendship in a romantic relationship allows partners to navigate minor insensitivities more gracefully due to their deep knowledge and appreciation of each other.

Gottman Research on the "Sound Relationship House"

Curry speaks highly of John and Julie Gottman's research, which is based on 50 years of longitudinal data. Their work led to the development of the Sound Relationship House model, wherein a strong friendship core leads to higher satisfaction among couples.

Developing "Love Maps" to Know Your Partner's World

The Gottmans discovered that couples who were most satisfied with their relationship had detailed "love maps" of each other. These maps include intricate details about each other's lives, such as current dislikes, best friends, fears, and life dreams. Couples enrich their relationships by establishing rituals of connection and building shared meaning. An example given portrays a husband explaining how his family's history affects his parenting, illustrating the importance of understanding and being attuned to each other's worldviews.

Curry suggests that couples therapy often lacks comprehensive education during doctoral programs, and therapists might not be fully equipped with structured, evidence-based methods like those from the Gottmans. She endorses the Gottman method for its structured and effective approach to improving relationships and warns against using individual therapy techniques in couples therapy.

Cultivating Fondness, Admiration, and Responsiveness Towards Your Partner

Couples who have been happiest over time are those who maintain fondness and admiration for one another. They often have a posi ...

Shannon Curry outlines strategies for resolving conflict and fostering relationship repair, grounded in the understanding that both partners should act in each other's best interests and emphasizing the importance of building a solid friendship foundation.

Avoiding Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling

Partners are encouraged to move away from destructive communication patterns, identified by Curry as "the four horsemen"—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—as they predict divorce and relationship deterioration over time.

These Communication Patterns Predict Relationship Deterioration Over Time

Criticism involves demeaning your partner and can undermine their sense of self. Contempt escalates criticism to a damaging level, including eye rolling, name calling, and diminishing comments. Defensiveness makes it challenging to take responsibility and partially validate your partner's perspective. Stonewalling happens when a partner withdraws due to physiological overwhelm, leading to a feeling of loneliness and disconnection. Bullying behavior is also noted as predicting unhappiness in relationships.

Curry adds that criticism and contempt, if unchecked, can lead to defensiveness and stonewalling, which embodies a destructive dynamic in communication. She highlights characterological abuse where the abuser is interested in power and control and feels calmed by putting someone down, further emphasizing that these patterns of behavior can burn bridges rather than rebuild connections.

Engaging In Structured, Evidence-Based Conflict Resolution Techniques

Curry mentions structured exercises from couples workshops, like asking questions and having the other partner answer. This structured approach encourages partners to accept some responsibility, calm down physically, suspend their agenda, and engage in understanding rather than persuading. She discusses exercises that help couples identify core non-negotiables and establish communication rules that respect these boundaries.

Responsibility, Flexibility, and Connection Are Key

The importance of taking responsibility is underscored, a ...