#890 - Connor Beaton - A Man’s Guide To Feeling Your Feelings

Connor Beaton and Chris Williamson unveil the societal pressures and depictions that lead men to suppress their emotions, often causing detriment to their psychological wellbeing and social connections.

Men's Emotions Are Perceived As Undesirable or Uncontrolled

Expressive Men Seen As Weak, Contrasting the Stoic Ideal

Beaton explains that when men do express emotions, they can be intense and loud, reinforcing the stereotype that men cannot control their feelings. These intense displays may contribute to the perception that men's emotions are dangerous or unwelcome. Phrases like "man up" and "suck it up" from World War II times reflect a historical need for men to dissociate from their emotions for survival, which has perpetuated the notion that emotions are either to be feared or strictly managed. Having controlled emotions is viewed as a fundamental aspect of masculinity, and expressiveness in men is often stigmatized as weakness or a failure to maintain the stoic ideal of manhood.

Beaton suggests that society isn't prepared to handle men's extreme emotional expressions, whether it’s aggression or overt sensitivity. This predicament leaves men oscillating between being seen as aggressive or overly vulnerable, both ends of the spectrum being undesirable. Additionally, men are not encouraged to open up emotionally, which can lead to a deliberate self-disconnection from their feelings, with society promoting stoicism over expressiveness.

Men Lack Positive Emotional Role Models and Outlets

Media Depict Men As Bumbling or Emotionally Disconnected

According to Beaton, men are frequently exposed to incorrect role models, like the cartoon characters Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin, who embody the erroneous idea of men being emotionally obtuse. Williamson concurs, pointing to widespread media portrayals that cast men as emotionally disengaged or clumsy, exacerbating the problem.

The lack of positive emotional role models is evident as many men have either not been taught to process their emotions or ...

Connor Beaton and Chris Williamson delve into the detrimental effects that emotional suppression can have on men’s relationships, self-awareness, and overall well-being.

Suppression Causes Isolation, Strain, and Self-Unawareness

Emotional suppression, highlighted as a primary issue by Beaton, leads to various relational and personal issues for men.

Men Who Repress Emotions May Struggle to Connect Authentically

Men who repress their emotions can struggle to connect authentically with themselves and others, Beaton suggests. Their reliance on avoidance causes a disconnect from important information about themselves, which is essential for true connection. Beaton talks about men who have opened up only to face ridicule or loss of relationships, which drives them back into isolation.

Emotional Suppression Hinders Men's Understanding and Processing of Experiences

Emotional suppression not only prevents authentic connection with others but also hinders men's ability to understand and process their own experiences. Beaton notes that men become isolated because others cannot interact with them emotionally; this disconnection from their own emotions leads to a lack of self-awareness and potentially to unhealthy defensive behaviors like aggression or hostility.

Emotional Suppression Undermines Men's Well-Being and Purpose

Suppressing emotions can also undermine men’s path to finding true meaning and fulfillment in life.

Suppressing Emotions Hinders Men's Path to Meaning, Fulfillment, and Growth

Beaton illustrates that a disconnect from emotions means men may feel something is missing in their lives. Men deprived o ...

Connor Beaton and Chris Williamson bring to light the crucial steps for men to enhance their emotional awareness and expression, discussing practices like body-oriented emotional awareness and managing intense emotions without being overwhelmed.

Developing Body-Oriented Emotional Awareness Is a Key Step

Beaton describes the importance of men becoming aware of the physical sensations accompanying emotions, which he refers to as "direct felt experience" (DFE). He explains every emotion has specific somatic or physiological responses in the body, such as anger producing heat or agitated movements. He asserts that emotions are like the body's data, and that recognition of these physical sensations is crucial to understanding one’s emotional state. For instance, identifying what physical or somatic experiences accompany emotions like anger or sadness can be a starting point for developing emotional mastery. He encourages men to detail their physical experience of emotions, comparing the sensation of anger to an Ironman power core lighting up in the chest.

Beaton stresses breathing as a method to regulate the autonomic nervous system, and suggests men focus on where in the body each emotion is experienced. He advises men to recognize their physical sensations, like constriction in the throat or heat in the chest, and to understand what those emotions indicate, such as anger signaling crossed boundaries.

Cultivating Emotional Expression and Tolerance Is Ongoing

Discussing the development of emotional tolerance, Beaton talks about sitting with emotions like anger and observing bodily responses as a way to understand and manage feelings. He notes for many men, anger isn't safe due to past experiences, which can make it feel like a visceral threat.

Beaton discusses building a tolerance to anger by setting a timer to sit with the emotion, a practice that can help men build a relationship of acceptance and understanding towards their feelings. He shares his own experiences with anger and how confronting it helped him reconcile with its intensity.

Connor Beaton doesn’t stop there; he talks about needing to slow down and sit with explosive emotions, using breath work as a tool to move through tough emotional experiences like grief.

Beaton advocates for men to allow themselves to feel emotions, focusing on expressing rather than explaining. He indicates that honesty about what one feels is part of personal truth, which ultimately leads to transformative experiences. When it comes to sharing emotions, Beaton suggests men open up early in relationships to gauge if their partner can handle and support emotional openness.

Additionally, Beaton emphasizes the importance of tolerating emotions, such as grief and sadness, by not immediately shutting them down. He recommends observing and breathing through anger, rating its intensity to manage it safely and effectively.

Beaton in ...

The discussions led by Beaton and Williamson revolve around the crucial role of community and relationships in fostering men's emotional growth.

Relationally-Based Emotional Support Is Often Critical for Men

Beaton and Williamson explore how men benefit from relational support to manage and understand their emotions better.

Trusted Friends or Communities Validating a Man's Emotions Can Be Transformative

During the interview, Connor Beaton speaks about the necessity of grief being witnessed and expressed with people who can reflect back and validate one's feelings. He describes grief as a way to honor what love misses and emphasizes its need to be witnessed for it to be properly honored. Williamson adds that a relationship should be a space where one can deal with difficult things and implies that supportive partners who witness their men talking about emotions can be incredibly supportive.

Beaton mentions his wife's role in checking on his well-being and how her queries about his emotional state helped him face tough situations. This indicates the transformative power of relational support. He also advises involving trusted individuals in one's life to highlight when someone has moved from explaining to expressing, reinforcing the idea that being genuinely known by others who care about you is integral to developing healthy relationships.

Emotional Exploration With Others Provides Accountability and Perspective

Peer Support to Help Men Navigate Emotional Landscapes

Beaton emphasizes that men's intense emotions often surface in intimate relationships or close friendships, highlighting the importance of these settings in dealing with emotional challenges. The presence of Williamson in the dialogue suggests that peer discussions may provide perspective and support.

Beaton advocates for participation in men's groups or communities, as they provide substantial support for men working on emotional growth. Within these groups, men witness each other's journeys and challenges, creating a supportive space for understanding. He notes that this support is crucial because men tend to isolate themselves when dealing with emotional work.

Beaton and Williamson e ...