Podcasts > Life Kit > How to have a 'grown up' relationship with a sibling

How to have a 'grown up' relationship with a sibling

By NPR (podcasts@npr.org)

Dive into the dynamic and sometimes delicate world of sibling relationships with NPR's "Life Kit" podcast, featuring a candid discussion led by Geoffrey Greif, Nedra Glover Tawwab, and a real-life conversation between sisters Ruth and Laura Tam. Discover why feelings towards siblings can span a spectrum from loving camaraderie to puzzling ambivalence. Greif's research unveils the normalcy of mixed emotions among siblings, while Ruth and Laura Tam's personal anecdotes illustrate the diversity in family experiences and perspectives.

"Life Kit" also explores practical steps for repairing strained sibling connections, with insights from Stacey Vanek Smith and Tawwab. They offer advice on how to foster forgiveness, initiate healing conversations, and build a relationship with renewed understanding. Embracing change and investing effort, even if initially one-sided, can be the key to rekindling familial ties. Join the conversation for thoughtful strategies on moving past resentment, finding common ground, and letting sibling bonds evolve naturally, as if co-authoring the ongoing story of family life.

How to have a 'grown up' relationship with a sibling

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How to have a 'grown up' relationship with a sibling

1-Page Summary

The complex nature of sibling relationships

Sibling relationships are multifaceted, encompassing emotions that range from deep affection and camaraderie to feelings of ambivalence and a lack of understanding. Geoffrey Greif's research shows that many people share a strong bond of love with their siblings, often regarding them as best friends. However, he also identifies that it's common for siblings to experience mixed emotions toward each other, which is not indicative of a problematic relationship. Ambiguity too plays a role, with siblings sometimes failing to comprehend each other's life choices.

Despite sharing the same parents, no two siblings have the exact same experiences growing up, as highlighted by Ruth Tam's discussions with her sister Laura. This difference in upbringing can lead to diverse perspectives and relationships within the family. Hence, communication is crucial. Tawwab accentuates the need to openly discuss feelings of resentment, listen to each other, and create a foundation of accountability to facilitate forgiveness within sibling relationships.

Repairing damaged relationships

To mend damaged sibling bonds, it takes a mix of commitment, empathy, and patience. Taking ownership of one's actions, initiating contact, and acknowledging diverse growth rates are fundamental steps, as pointed out by Stacey Vanek Smith and Laura. Tawwab emphasizes that one might need to be ready to invest more effort initially without expecting instant reciprocation when starting to bridge gaps with a sibling.

Finding common interests can help rebuild connections, as suggested by the idea of sharing game scores or playlists. It's important to let go of preconceived expectations and to try to get to know your sibling anew, according to Greif and Ruth Tam. Tawwab also recommends allowing the relationship to naturally evolve over time, akin to co-authoring a book with different life stages represented in each chapter. Accepting change and participating mutually in the relationship is essential, sometimes letting go of the hope for a particular level of closeness and allowing the bond to develop as it will.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Tawwab emphasizes the importance of openly addressing feelings of resentment in sibling relationships. By discussing these emotions, siblings can work towards understanding each other better and resolving conflicts. Creating a foundation of accountability involves taking responsibility for one's actions and their impact on the relationship, fostering honesty and trust between siblings. This approach can help in building healthier and more meaningful connections within the sibling dynamic.

Counterarguments

  • While many people may view their siblings as best friends, it's also true that some individuals may never develop a close bond with their siblings, regardless of efforts made.
  • The assertion that mixed emotions are not indicative of a problematic relationship might be too general; in some cases, persistent mixed emotions could be a sign of deeper unresolved issues that may need to be addressed.
  • The idea that siblings may struggle to understand each other's life choices could be expanded to acknowledge that in some cases, these differences can be irreconcilable and may lead to permanent estrangement.
  • Emphasizing communication as crucial might overlook the fact that some siblings may have toxic or abusive relationships where communication could be harmful or ineffective.
  • The notion that openly discussing feelings of resentment is important for forgiveness might not account for situations where one sibling is not open to discussion or where such discussions could exacerbate tensions.
  • The steps outlined for repairing damaged sibling relationships may not be applicable in all situations, especially where there has been significant trauma or betrayal.
  • The recommendation to find common interests to rebuild connections might not be feasible if siblings have fundamentally different values or interests that make common ground difficult to find.
  • The advice to let go of preconceived expectations and get to know your sibling anew may not be practical for everyone, particularly if past experiences have led to a loss of trust or safety.
  • The suggestion to allow the relationship to naturally evolve over time assumes that both parties are willing to engage in the relationship, which may not always be the case.
  • The emphasis on accepting change and participating mutually in the relationship may not acknowledge the possibility that one sibling may not be interested in maintaining or improving the relationship.

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How to have a 'grown up' relationship with a sibling

The complex nature of sibling relationships

Sibling bonds are both profound and complex, consisting of diverse emotional layers ranging from affection and companionate reverence to ambivalence and confusion regarding each other's choices.

Siblings experience affection, ambivalence, and ambiguity

Geoffrey Greif's research reveals that sibling relationships are characterized by a substantial affectionate bond, with some siblings even considering each other as best friends and playing significant roles in each other's lives.

Affection: Siblings identify each other as best friends

Greif suggests that the love between siblings is often very strong, and many people regard their siblings as dear friends and integral parts of their lives.

Ambivalence: Mixed feelings are common

Despite this affection, Greif also recognizes that ambivalence is an integral part of intimate relationships, including those between siblings. Takeaway one from his research indicates that it's normal to have mixed feelings about siblings throughout one's lifetime and that these feelings shouldn't be taken as a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

Ambiguity: Not always understanding siblings' actions

Adding to the complexity, there is the aspect of ambiguity in sibling relationships, where actions such as marriage choices or interactions with parents can sometimes be misunderstood or not fully comprehended, Greif notes.

No two siblings have the same upbringing

Ruth Tam's conversation with her sister Laura exemplifies the fact that siblings, even when growing up in the same family, can experience parenting differently. Their discussions reveal that the oldest and the youngest child may not share identical upbringing conditions, as variations in parenting, attention, and values can differentiate their experiences and perceptions.

Communication is key

Speak up about hurts and resentment

Tawwab highlights the need for open communication within sibling relationships. He stresses the importance of articulating feelings of hurt or resentment ...

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The complex nature of sibling relationships

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Ambivalence in intimate relationships, like those between siblings, involves experiencing conflicting emotions simultaneously, such as love and frustration towards the same person. It's normal to have mixed feelings about siblings over time, where positive and negative emotions coexist. This complexity can stem from various factors like differing personalities, past experiences, and expectations. Acknowledging and understanding these conflicting emotions can lead to healthier and more realistic relationships.
  • Sibling relationships can be influenced by various factors such as birth order, parental attention, and individual personalities, leading to differences in how siblings experience their upbringing. Even within the same family, siblings may perceive and interpret their parents' actions and behaviors differently, shaping their unique perspectives and experiences. These variations can result in siblings having distinct memories, emotional responses, and relationships with their parents, contributing to the idea that siblings may not share identical upbringing conditions despite growing up in the same household.
  • In sibling rela ...

Counterarguments

  • While sibling bonds often consist of emotional layers, some siblings may have relationships that are predominantly positive or negative, rather than a complex mix.
  • Not all siblings consider each other as best friends or play significant roles in each other's lives; some may have a more distant or formal relationship.
  • While mixed feelings are common, some siblings may have a clear and consistent view of their relationship, whether it is positive or negative.
  • Ambiguity in sibling relationships can be present, but some siblings may have very clear and direct communication styles that minimize misunderstandings.
  • It's possible for siblings to have similar upbringings if parents maintain consistent parenting styles and values throughout their children's development.
  • Communication is crucial, but some sibling relationships may thrive with minimal communication due to mutual understanding and shared experiences.
  • Open communication about hurts and resentment is generally beneficial, but some siblings may find tha ...

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How to have a 'grown up' relationship with a sibling

Repairing damaged relationships

Repairing relationships requires commitment, empathy, and patience. Stacey Vanek Smith, Laura, and Nedra Glover-Tawwab highlight the complexities of mending strained sibling bonds and offer actionable advice on navigating through the reconciliation process.

Take ownership and initiate contact

Admitting wrongs and letting go of resentment is essential. Recognizing and acknowledging that everyone grows at different rates, as Stacey Vanek Smith notes, is the first step toward healing. Laura implies a willingness to take the initiative in repairing dynamics, stating it's not impossible to mend adult sibling relationships. Vanek Smith suggests that when relationships waiver, one could take ownership and reach out to discuss the cause of the drift.

Don't expect equal effort at first

Nedra Glover-Tawwab advises that if you notice a change in your connection, it is vital to broach the topic with your sibling. Be prepared to make the first move and do the extra work, as one should not assume that effort will be immediately met with equal enthusiasm. If you're looking to close the distance, be okay with taking on more responsibility initially and lower your expectations for immediate reciprocity. Tawwab stresses that it’s not productive to place the burden on the other person if they're not yet ready to engage.

Find mutual interests and shared activities

To reconnect, it's beneficial to meet siblings where they are and engage in activities they enjoy. Starting with small gestures, such as sharing game scores or making playlists for one another, can lay the groundwork for more substantial interactions. Although the sentiment is not explicitly stated, the context suggests finding shared interests and activities to rebuild the bond.

Let go of expectations

Focus on getting to know your sibling

Letting go of expectations is crucial for a genuine reconnection. Geoffrey Greif remarks that idealizing sibling relationships is unrealistic and recommends abandoning such ...

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Repairing damaged relationships

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Ruth Tam's mention of awkwardness and judgment in sibling interactions highlights the common experience of feeling uncomfortable or being critical towards one's siblings during communication or shared activities. This acknowledgment suggests that it's normal for interactions between siblings to sometimes involve moments of unease or evaluation. Such feelings can stem from past experiences, differing personalities, or u ...

Counterarguments

  • While commitment, empathy, and patience are important, some relationships may be toxic and not worth repairing.
  • Admitting wrongs is important, but it should be a two-way street; one person should not bear all the responsibility for reconciliation.
  • Taking ownership and reaching out is a good step, but there should be a limit to how much one person is expected to initiate if the efforts are not reciprocated.
  • The advice to not expect equal effort at first may lead to an imbalanced relationship where one person consistently puts in more effort.
  • Finding mutual interests is helpful, but it may not address deeper underlying issues that caused the rift.
  • Letting go of expectations can be beneficial, but having some expectations is natural and can be important for establishing boundaries and ensuring healthy interactions.
  • Focusing on getting to know your sibling as if for the first time might overlook the shared history and experiences that are integral to the relationship.
  • While awkwardness and judgment can be normal, they should not be accepted as unchangeable; efforts can be made to reduce these negative ...

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