232. “My husband gives me an allowance. I feel like a child.”

The conversation examines the dynamic between Edward and Ellen, a couple with a traditional financial relationship where Edward controls the finances and Ellen experiences a lack of autonomy and financial confidence.

Power Imbalance in Couple's Financial Dynamics: Edward Holds Control

Edward and Ellen's financial relationship is characterized by an imbalance of power, leading to a sense of frustration and confinement for Ellen.

Ellen Feels Frustrated Asking Edward For Small Purchases

Edward has managed the money from early on in their relationship, which allows him to control their finances. As a result, Ellen has to get Edward's approval to spend money, which means she needs his consent for every financial decision, even small ones like purchasing face lotion. Ellen indicates that she often feels like she has to discuss money with Edward, especially when wanting things, reflecting a dynamic where Edward holds the reins financially.

Edward Creates "Hoops" for Ellen to Access Funds Cautiously

Ellen has to justify even small purchases, which Edward acknowledges by admitting he has set up a system of "hoops" for Ellen to jump through before accessing funds. He controls the budget tightly and Ellen must come to him for money. Edward wants Ellen to manage within an allocated budget without needing to check on her spending. His desire for Ellen to be familiar with their budget seems at odds with the fact that she doesn't know their financial situation well and is expected to adhere to spending limits without always understanding why.

Traditional Financial Dynamic: Edward as Decision-Maker and Provider

The couple embodies a traditional dynamic where Edward serves as the decision-maker and the provider while Ellen is responsible for the home and children.

Ellen Seeks More Involvement and Autonomy

Ellen expresses a desire to be more involved in the financial aspect of their partnership despite not wanting full responsibility for managing the finances. She indicates confusion about what is included in the discretionary budget and seeks more clarity and trust regarding expenses. Ramit Sethi highlights this point by questioning why Ellen’s goal is to minimize her financial footprint instead of having a more active role in decisions.

Edward's Control Undermines Ellen's Financial Confidence

Edward’s handling of the budget and the distribution of funds has left Ellen with a weak grasp of their ...

Edward and Ellen both have distinct money mindsets that were shaped by their differing childhood experiences of financial stability and instability.

Edward's Money Mindset Is Shaped by Financial Instability and Uncertainty in His Upbringing, Making Him Anxious About Money

Edward's mother was on welfare and would frequently spend any surplus money on unnecessary items like lottery tickets, then be poor until the next surplus, leading to a cyclical pattern of financial instability. Edward acknowledges that this has made him adopt a Spartan lifestyle, even though he doesn't compare to his mother's spending habits. His approach to money has been influenced by witnessing his mother's poor money management. Furthermore, his father left when he was a baby and died shortly after they reconnected when Edward was a teenager, adding to his experiences of financial uncertainty and the fear of insecurity.

Ellen's Money Mindset Shaped by Father's Comfort and Mother's Financial Struggles

Ellen's childhood was marked by a sharp contrast between her wealthy father and financially struggling mother. Her father never discussed money, which provided her a sense of security and occasion for generous surprises, associating her financial existence with comfort and love. Ellen's mother, however, was very open with her financial worries, instilling a sense of fright in young Ellen.

Fear of Financial Insecurity Stemming From Mother's Poor Money Management and Father's Absence

Ellen's father passed away when she was 12 years old, causing her to lose not only her sense of security due to his absence but also in terms of financial stability. The fear and stress of financial struggle after her father's death have deeply affected how Ellen perceives money. She has an overwhelming desire to ensure that her children do not face financial insecurity. Her reluctance to talk about money and her discomfort with the concept are directly linked to her ...

Edward and Ellen's Financial Approaches Cause Family Tension

Edward and Ellen’s differing views on money have led to disagreements that cause tension within the family. Edward stresses over expenses due to his emphasis on future security, such as getting anxious about a blown tire, while Ellen has a more relaxed approach toward spending, eager to enjoy the present. Edward admits he would hoard money if not for his family, and Ellen avoids deeper financial discussions to prevent arguments, acknowledging not knowing their income is an issue. Their differing financial philosophies extend to discretionary spending, with Ellen sometimes not accounting for extra expenses and Edward striving to secure wealth over spending on experiences.

Despite their strong financial situation, Ellen feels that Edward's focus on future security detracts from living in the moment. This is exemplified by their recent move to Hawaii, which took on a $2 million loan, causing Edward anxiety over new substantial expenses. Ellen, the dreamer, desires experiences, while Edward works tirelessly to fulfill their dreams without compromising financial security. His responsibility towards the family's emotional well-being and providing a better life for his children is tied to financial decisions like setting up a long-term fund for his grandkids.

Couple's Tension Over Cost of Ellen's Home Birth; Edward Defers to Her Decision

A specific incident exposing their financial discord involved the cost of Ellen’s desired home birth. Despite being more expensive than a hospital birth covered by insurance, Edward eventually deferred to Ellen’s preference. Additional disputes, such as the costs associated with Ellen’s blessing way ceremony exceeding the allocated budget, further illustrate their financial friction. Ellen stresses the importance of building memories and being present, but Edward's inclination towards security and control sometimes leads to him imposing spending restrictions, like when he reacted to Ellen going over budget by telling her she wouldn't receive any money the following month.

Couple's Strong Finances Don't Ensure Security

Edward and Ellen's comfortable financial position doesn't necessarily equate to a sense of security. Edward harbors anxiety over financial control which prevents full appreciation of their financial stability and generosity. This has tangible effects, suc ...