Bill Eddy: How to Deal With High Conflict People

High-conflict personalities and personality disorders are closely related but distinct concepts, as explained by experts Bill Eddy and Andrew Huberman.

High-conflict personalities have a persistent pattern of blaming and conflict behavior, while personality disorders involve a narrower range of interpersonal dysfunction.

High-conflict personalities may or may not have a diagnosed personality disorder, but they share a tendency to blame others and generate ongoing conflict.

High-conflict personalities are characterized by a persistent pattern of blaming others and engaging in ongoing conflicts. Bill Eddy stresses the importance of recognizing patterns of behavior, noting that high-conflict individuals exhibit a life pattern of yelling, screaming, and criticizing. This pattern of behavior is a significant part of their lives and isn't just occasional anger or criticism.

Personality disorders like narcissistic, borderline, and antisocial involve more rigid, maladaptive patterns of behavior across different settings.

Eddy explains that personality disorders involve more narrowly defined patterns of behavior that are consistent across different settings, such as family, work, and community. These can include recognizable patterns similar to alcoholism and addiction. Personality disorders have been more extensively studied, with statistics on their prevalence and gender differences available.

Around 50% of people with personality disorders also exhibit high-conflict traits, while the other 50% may not be as consistently high-conflict.

Eddy estimates that about half of the people with personality disorders may also have high-conflict personalities. However, many people who display traits of a personality disorder without meeting the full criteria might still manifest tendencies to blame others and create conflict.

Eddy notes that individuals with personality disorders have historically been the subject of extensive research, which has provided data on the prevalence of disorders and their distribution across gender. He draws upon his experience as a family lawyer to observe that high-conflict personalities are quite evenly distributed between men and women, challenging common assumptions about gender differences in high-conflict behavior.

High-conflict patterns of behavior are less well-researched, but appear to be equally common in men and women.

High-conflict individuals can involve those with diagnosed disorders such as borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. Even so, high-conflict traits can be present in people without these diagnoses. Eddy points out that high-conflict personalities can be either overtly combative or appear as victims. High-conflict traits may not be immediately recognizable in all settings, as individuals may be able to hide their high-conflict nature, especially at work or in public, only to display different behaviors in private settings.

Eddy emphasizes that it's important not to label people, but rather to understan ...

Identifying high-conflict personalities is crucial for managing interactions effectively, and there are specific techniques to recognize such individuals.

Key warning signs include disproportionate emotions, all-or-nothing thinking, and extreme behaviors that most people would not engage in.

Observe the person's language for signs of excessive blame, exaggeration, and lack of nuance.

In a discussion between Bill Eddy and Andrew Huberman, Eddy points out that high-conflict personalities tend to tell stories that project their behavior in a reasonable or even benevolent light, despite the presence of excessive blame and lack of nuance. A common warning sign is language full of blaming, with declarations about others' absolute fault. This was illustrated when Eddy brought up a domestic abuser's narrative and when an individual generalizes their family as entirely evil and not to be trusted. Eddy also mentions that written communication in court often reveals these attributes through the frequent use of blame words and the portrayal of people or situations as all good or all bad.

Notice whether the person's emotional reactions and behaviors seem out of sync with the situation at hand.

According to Eddy, a key sign of a high-conflict personality is a disproportionate emotional reaction to ordinary events. For instance, someone who begins yelling, screaming, or throwing things in response to a normal conversation or minor incidents, like leaving out socks or not capping the toothpaste, could be displaying signs of a high-conflict personality. Eddy cautions that it is crucial to discern these patterns of behavior rather than focusing on isolated incidents.

Look for patterns of problematic behavior across different settings and relationships, not just isolated incidents.

Eddy emphasizes the importance of recognizing persistent patterns of problematic behavior across different areas of an individual's life, not just one-off events. He provides an example of a high-profile individual, a congressperson, showing extreme behaviors that most would not engage in, such as physical altercations in a scenario like cutting in line at an airport.

Gut instinct and somatic responses can provide important cues about high-conflict personal ...

Bill Eddy discusses strategies for dealing with high-conflict people, stressing the importance of disengaging from these people both in the short term and permanently, in settings such as the workplace and relationships.

Avoid directly confronting or blaming high-conflict personalities, as this will typically escalate the conflict.

Confronting a high-conflict individual about their negative behaviors or expressing dislike may lead to an increase in conflict, stalking, litigation, and persistent blame. Blaming yourself in their presence reinforces their tendency to blame you and may trigger their personality traits, such as feeling abandoned or perceiving a put-down. It's more effective to discuss incompatibility without assigning blame to either party.

Use the "CARS" method to manage interactions:

Using the CARS method can help manage your interactions with high-conflict personalities.

Connect with the person using empathy, attention, and/or respect.

Bill Eddy introduces the method of using "ear" statements—empathy, attention, respect—to manage relationships, particularly with high-conflict divorce cases’ parents. For example, acknowledging their frustration or recognizing something they did well helps calm the relationship. Even when feeling no empathy or respect, simply offering your attention can be effective.

Analyze the situation objectively and present it as a choice or series of options.

Eddy suggests using lists to help high-conflict people think, with one side of the page for problems and the other for potential solutions. This approach encourages objectivity and focuses on problem-solving. Proposing solutions can engage employees in the thinking process and steer the conversation away from blaming and towards actionable steps.

Respond briefly, informatively, and firmly to defuse the situation.

The BIF response—brief, informative, friendly, and firm—is recommended for interactions with high-conflict individuals. By not responding to distortions, misinformation, or hostility in the other's communication, and instead ending the conversation positively without being harsh, a potentially high-conflict situation can be defused.

Set clear limits on acceptable behavior and enforce consequences if needed.

Setting limits with high-conflict people is essential since they often lack self-restraint. The SLICK method (Setting Limits and Imposing Consequences) can be effective. For example, hanging up a phone call after an individual continues insulting behavior despite warnings can serve as a clear consequence and may modify their actions.

Gradually disengage from high-conflict relationships when possible, rather than cutting ties a ...

As high-conflict behaviors become more prevalent, experts analyze various contributing factors, such as changes in family dynamics, shifts in the media landscape, and evolving cultural norms.

The shift towards smaller family sizes and more enmeshed parent-child relationships may be exacerbating high-conflict patterns

Bill Eddy notes that in contrast to the larger family sizes of the past, modern families often have just one or two children, reducing opportunities for kids to learn conflict resolution through sibling interaction. Smaller family sizes can lead parents to become over-involved in their children’s disputes, fostering an "us vs. them" mentality. Rather than learning to navigate disagreements independently as they might have with more siblings, children may instead be enlisted as allies in parental conflicts.

Eddy links smaller family sizes to a potential decline in conflict resolution skills among siblings, recalling his own childhood experience with three siblings as a training ground for resolving disputes without parental intervention. Additionally, smaller families may result in parents becoming disproportionately enmeshed in their children's lives, especially in high-conflict divorce situations, where a child might be treated more like a partner in conflict.

The media and social media landscape appears to be reinforcing and amplifying high-conflict behaviors

The media and social media ecosystem often promotes heightened emotional reactions and conflict. Platforms with algorithms that reward dramatic and emotional content can lead to the success of blame-oriented storytelling. Eddy mentions that people with personality disorders, such as borderline, often find reinforcement for their behaviors online, where they can connect with like-minded individuals who support rather than correct their high-conflict mindsets.

Andrew Huberman analyzes the evolution of professional wrestling, where the push for increased ratings led to a deliberate amplification of negative character portrayals, tapping into the audience's most potent emotions like fear and anger. He indicates that engaging in highly emotional states is increasingly becoming the norm in society, with combative behavior not only being accepted but often incentivized, which can encourage high-conflict dispositions.

Cultural norms around taking responsibi ...