In this Hidden Brain episode, Fred Luskin explores how grievances and unmet expectations can become enmeshed in one's identity, fostering blame and victimhood mentalities. He illustrates how resentment takes a psychological and physiological toll, lowering self-esteem, disrupting sleep, and increasing health risks.
Luskin then offers techniques to overcome grudges, including identifying unrealistic expectations of others' behavior and using methods like PERT to counteract the physiological effects of resentment. He stresses that shifting from blame to understanding and forgiveness, even of oneself, is key to moving beyond ingrained grievances.
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Fred Luskin explores how grievances can become ingrained in one's identity and conversations. Debbie's experience illustrates how an ex's infidelity came to define her self-concept. Luskin notes unmet expectations or mistreatment can trigger strong emotions like Jill's anger from maternal rejection or Dana's fury over a promotion denial. Grievance stories often begin as coping mechanisms but can foster blame and victimhood mindsets.
Resentment and blame lower self-esteem and increase depression and anxiety, Luskin experienced. He ties blame to poor heart disease outcomes. Grudges also disrupt sleep, elevate cortisol, and promote maladaptive fight-or-flight responses that become ingrained. Though providing temporary satisfaction, resentment stories don't resolve issues.
Luskin recommends identifying "unenforceable rules" - expectations of others' behavior that foster disappointment when unmet. He shares how realizing this helped reframe grievances with his mother-in-law. Methods like PERT (deep breathing, visualization, etc.) counteract stress responses tied to grudges. Luskin also stresses shifting from blame to understanding/forgiveness, including self-forgiveness, is key to moving beyond grudges.
1-Page Summary
Fred Luskin explores the psychological underpinnings of why individuals form and hold onto grudges, outlining key emotional tendencies and cognitive processes that contribute to this phenomenon.
Fred Luskin narrates the story of Debbie, whose husband's serial adultery deeply impacted her identity. Even after catching him multiple times, apologizing, and ultimately filing for divorce after witnessing his infidelity firsthand, her ex-husband continued to dominate her thoughts and conversations. Luskin observes that Debbie’s conversations revolve around her ex and her failed marriage, which now form a part of how she sees herself – as a woman with a lousy ex-husband.
Jill's sense of rejection from her mother conditioned her with feelings of low self-worth that persisted into adulthood. Like Jill, Dana's fury over not receiving a promotion after a decade of company effort demonstrates how personal affronts lead to strong emotional and physiological responses. These instances illustrate how initial blame can be a coping mechanism to make sense of painful experiences.
Luskin highlights how one’s origin of grievance can shape their narrative of victimhood. He emphasizes that grievance stories typically begin as a coping mecha ...
Cognitive and Emotional Processes Leading to Grudge Formation
Fred Luskin and Shankar Vedantam explore the detrimental effects that grudges can have on both mental and physical health.
Fred Luskin experienced agitated depression and bitterness after his trust was shattered. His wife noticed a change in his behavior, pointing out that his bitterness made him less likable. Luskin later acknowledges that resentment can lead to a state of self-pity and overwhelming emotional distress.
Beyond affecting mental health, Luskin notes that hostile thoughts, resentment, and blame negatively impact long-term physical well-being. There is a linear relationship between blame and poor health outcomes across various conditions, with evidence suggesting particularly adverse effects for individuals with heart disease.
Grudges can cause physiological impacts such as disrupted sleep patterns, heart problems, and elevated blood pressure due to stress responses. As an individual maintains a grudge, the body repeatedly prepares for a fight-or-flight response through the internalized sense of threat. Over time, this response becomes ingrained as the brain becomes accustomed to the cortisol pathways, solidifying these templates for reaction.
Luskin experienced an intense physiological reaction of high blood pressure and thoughts of anger and revenge from continuously practicing stress arousal, such as when reacting to an upsetting letter from his friend Sam. He stresses the importance of calming down to avoid these habitual physiological responses.
Grudges can provide a temporary sense of satisfaction—acting as a substitute for action. Luskin explains this by noting how dest ...
Psychological and Physiological Consequences of Holding Grudges
Several techniques have been discussed for overcoming and also letting go of old grudges. These practical strategies can be transformative in resolving inner conflict and improving relationships.
Fred Luskin introduces the concept of "unenforceable rules," which are expectations people place on others' behavior that can't actually be enforced or controlled. When these expectations aren't met, it can lead to distress and grudges. By identifying these rules, individuals can better manage the disappointment caused by others' actions.
Luskin shared his personal experience where he was upset because his mother-in-law was not adhering to his "unenforceable rules." Once he realized that his outrage stemmed from his rigid expectations rather than her behavior, he was able to reframe the grievance and approach the situation differently. This shift in perspective helped him see that his role during visits was to support his wife and let his kids know their grandma, rather than get along with his mother-in-law.
One method Luskin utilized is PERT (Pattern Interruption and Reconditioning Technique), which can include deep breathing, visualization, focus redirection, and feeling love in the body. This technique is used to counteract the stress response triggered by upsetting thoughts or situations. Luskin emphasizes that practicing PERT frequently can start counter conditioning the typical stress response associated with grudges and grievances.
When Luskin experienced a blame-filled email exchange with his friend Sam, he used PERT to calm the fight or flight response. This allowed him to search for less stressful solutions, like taking a deep breath when upset or requesting help instead of giving grief. By calming down, he learned to regain control over his nervous system.
Moving from a mindset of blame to one of understanding and forgiveness is crucial in overcoming grudges. This transition isn't just about the forgiveness of others but also includes self-forgiveness. Shankar Vedantam mentions Fred Luskin's work at Stanford University, where he studied ...
Techniques to Overcome and Let Go Of Grudges
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