ADHD Beyond the Label with Penn and Kim Holderness
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Penn and Kim Holderness share their family's experiences with ADHD. Penn discusses his own diagnosis at age 20 and the challenges he faced with emotional regulation, while Kim offers insights from the perspective of a supportive partner and parent. Together, they explore how ADHD affects emotional processing and daily functioning.
The Holdernesses describe their approach to managing ADHD, including practical strategies like digital calendars and specific cleaning routines. They explain their perspective of viewing ADHD as a difference rather than a disorder, and discuss ways to create environments where children with ADHD can succeed. The episode covers both the challenges of ADHD and methods for working with its unique characteristics in family life.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Dec 16, 2025 episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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1-Page Summary
Personal Experiences With ADHD
Penn Holderness shares his journey with ADHD, describing his childhood struggles with emotional dysregulation and physical restlessness. He recalls being labeled a "crybaby" due to his intense emotions and discusses how his diagnosis at age 20 brought clarity to his experiences. Penn advocates for reframing ADHD as "regulatory differences" rather than a disorder, noting that the condition involves misplaced attention rather than a lack of attention.
The Emotional and Relational Aspects of ADHD
Kennedy, Penn, and Kim Holderness discuss how ADHD extends beyond executive functioning to include intense emotional experiences. Kim notes that emotional dysregulation significantly impacts daily life, sharing observations of their son's strong emotional reactions. Kennedy emphasizes how overwhelming emotions can interfere with children's ability to access their academic capabilities. The discussion highlights the importance of emotional support in relationships, with Kim advocating for a shame-free, supportive approach when dealing with ADHD-related challenges.
Approaches To Empowering Kids With ADHD
The Holderness family promotes viewing ADHD as a difference rather than a disorder, emphasizing the importance of focusing on strengths. Kim shares how their perspective shifted from viewing their son's diagnosis as a burden to recognizing his creative potential. The family implements practical strategies, including strict cleaning routines, alarms, and a digital calendar system. Penn offers additional tips like strategic classroom seating and scheduling difficult classes earlier in the day to accommodate medication-induced tiredness. Their approach includes creating supportive environments where children can naturally succeed and emphasizing activities that engage their interests.
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Counterarguments
- While reframing ADHD as "regulatory differences" can be empowering, it is important to acknowledge that ADHD is recognized as a disorder by medical professionals due to the significant impairments it can cause in various aspects of life.
- The idea that ADHD involves misplaced attention rather than a lack of attention might oversimplify the condition, as individuals with ADHD can experience both difficulties in sustaining attention and hyperfocusing on tasks that interest them.
- Emotional dysregulation is indeed a challenge for many with ADHD, but not all individuals with ADHD experience it to the same degree, and some may not consider it a significant aspect of their condition.
- While strong emotional reactions can interfere with academic performance, it's also important to recognize that ADHD-related challenges in executive functioning, such as organization and time management, can independently impact academic success.
- A shame-free, supportive approach is crucial, but it should be balanced with appropriate behavioral expectations and interventions that help individuals with ADHD develop coping strategies.
- Viewing ADHD as a difference rather than a disorder can be empowering, but it is also important to recognize and address the real challenges and disabilities that can come with the condition.
- Practical strategies like cleaning routines and digital calendars are helpful, but they may not be sufficient for all individuals with ADHD, who might require more personalized or intensive interventions.
- Strategic classroom seating and scheduling can be beneficial, but these strategies may not address all educational needs of children with ADHD, and individualized education plans (IEPs) or 504 plans might be necessary.
- Emphasizing activities that engage children's interests is beneficial, but it's also important to help children with ADHD develop the ability to engage in tasks that are necessary but not necessarily interesting to them.
Actionables
- You can create a "strengths diary" to document and reflect on daily successes, which can help shift focus from ADHD-related challenges to personal strengths. Each day, write down moments when you felt engaged and successful, regardless of how small they seem. This practice can reinforce a positive self-image and highlight your unique abilities, potentially leading to increased self-esteem and a more empowered view of ADHD.
- Develop a "transition toolkit" for moments of emotional intensity, which might include sensory objects, a list of calming activities, or a set of breathing exercises. Use this toolkit when you feel overwhelmed or restless. For example, if you know that certain textures or sounds soothe you, include items like a stress ball or a playlist of nature sounds in your toolkit. This can help manage emotional dysregulation and provide a sense of control during intense moments.
- Initiate a "collaborative problem-solving" approach with friends or family members to address misunderstandings related to ADHD symptoms. When a conflict arises, sit down together to discuss each person's perspective and brainstorm solutions that acknowledge ADHD-related needs. For instance, if you struggle with punctuality, work with your family to create a plan that allows extra time for transitions, reducing stress and potential conflicts. This fosters a supportive environment and promotes empathy and cooperation.
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Personal Experiences With ADHD
Penn Holderness on His ADHD Journey: From Childhood Differences to Diagnosis at 20
Penn Holderness's personal journey with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) details his experiences from childhood when he first felt different from others, leading to his eventual diagnosis at the age of 20.
Penn Struggled With Emotional Dysregulation, Restlessness, and Being Labeled a "Crybaby."
Penn recalls his childhood struggles with emotional regulation and physical restlessness. These difficulties included an inability to control overwhelming emotions—ranging from intense happiness to deep sadness—and a continuous need for movement, often resulting in a habit of chewing on his t-shirt. The emotional intensity often led to him being misinterpreted as overly sensitive or tearful, earning him labels such as "crybaby" through emotionally charged situations.
Penn shares that he didn't develop emotional regulation skills until much later because of ADHD, which meant that his teenage years were marked by continued battles with intense feelings. He also addresses the common misconception that ADHD solely affects executive functioning, he pointedly remarks that emotional regulation is a significant, yet underestimated, component of the condition.
ADHD Diagnosis at 20 Brought Clarity, Challenges For Penn
Penn discusses the clarity that came with his diagnosis at 20, which explained much about his behavioral patterns yet also introduced new challenges. He comments on the issue with the disorder's name, advocating for a view of ADHD as "regulatory differences" rather than a disorder ...
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Personal Experiences With ADHD
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Actionables
- You can create a personal emotion tracking chart to better understand and regulate your emotions. Start by noting down times when you feel intense emotions and what triggered them. Over time, you'll begin to see patterns and can develop strategies to manage these feelings, such as deep breathing exercises or taking a short walk when you notice the onset of intense emotions.
- Develop a "strengths portfolio" to harness your unique perspectives and abilities. Identify tasks or activities where you feel most engaged and successful, and document these instances in a journal or digital note-taking app. This portfolio can serve as a reminder of your strengths, especially when facing challenges, and can guide you towards roles or projects that align with your natural inclacies.
- Advocate for a more nuanced understanding of attention differen ...
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The Emotional and Relational Aspects of ADHD
Kennedy, along with Penn and Kim Holderness, discuss how ADHD is not just an executive functioning disorder but also involves deeply felt emotions that can significantly affect relationships and daily life.
ADHD Involves Intense Emotions Affecting Relationships and Daily Life
Penn Holderness remarks that most parents might not be prepared to handle the emotional aspects of ADHD when they take their child for a consultation, as ADHD is commonly perceived as an executive functioning disorder alone.
Emotional Challenges in ADHD: Overlooked Mood Swings and Regulation Difficulties
Kim Holderness notes the significant emotional dysregulation component of ADHD, which is often overlooked. She points out that this facet of ADHD affects how people react emotionally to daily situations. For instance, she observes that their son, who also has ADHD, experiences emotional intensity, such as strongly reacting to the outcome of a basketball game. Penn acknowledges ADHD as involving a regulatory difference, indicating that there are challenges in emotional regulation that are not widely recognized in the general understanding of the condition.
Kennedy comments on how children with ADHD, or deeply feeling kids in general, experience intense emotions that can overpower them. When overwhelmed, such as during homework, they may not be able to tap into their academic abilities because of the intensity of their emotions. The term "deeply feeling kid" helped Penn to understand himself better and the emotional dysregulation associated with ADHD.
ADHD Strains Relationships Without Emotional Support
Kennedy underscores the impact of ADHD on the emotional landscape of a child, detailing how intense sens ...
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The Emotional and Relational Aspects of ADHD
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Counterarguments
- While emotional dysregulation is a significant aspect of ADHD, not all individuals with ADHD may experience it to the same degree, and some may not consider it their primary challenge.
- The perception that most parents are unprepared for the emotional aspects of ADHD might not account for those who have done extensive research or have prior experience with ADHD in the family.
- The term "deeply feeling kid" could be seen as a label that might not resonate with all individuals with ADHD, as it may not capture the diversity of experiences within the ADHD community.
- The idea that intense emotions can lead to existential crises might be an overgeneralization, as not all individuals with ADHD will experience emotions in the same way or to the same intensity.
- The emphasis on emotional support and containment might inadvertently underplay the importance of also teaching coping strategies and self-regulation skills to individuals with ADHD.
- The suggestion that shaming a partner with ADHD for mistakes strains relationships could imply that partners without ADHD are ...
Actionables
- Create a daily emotion tracking journal to better understand and manage emotional patterns. By noting down times when emotions feel intense, what triggered them, and how they were dealt with, you can start to see patterns and identify strategies that help in managing these emotions. For example, you might find that taking a short walk after an intense feeling helps to dissipate it, or that talking to a friend can provide a sense of relief.
- Develop a "feelings vocabulary" list to articulate emotions more precisely. Having a rich vocabulary to describe your feelings can make it easier to communicate with others and to understand your own emotions. You could start by listing basic emotions and then adding more nuanced terms, like 'frustrated' instead of just 'angry', or 'disappointed' instead of 'sad'. This can be especially helpful when explaining your emotional state to friends, family, or a partner.
- Establish a routine of proactive communication with loved ones to foster understanding and suppo ...
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Approaches To Empowering Kids With Adhd
Kennedy discusses the importance of empowering kids with ADHD, focusing on the strategies that work, support learning, and build on strengths. The discussion is influenced by a children's book by Penn and Kim Holderness meant to help kids feel understood and to provide parents with a better understanding of ADHD.
Reframe Adhd As a "Difference" to Empower Kids
Penn and Kim Holderness encourage a positive reframe of ADHD, viewing it as a difference rather than a disorder. This empowers children by focusing on the brain's potential and the strengths associated with ADHD.
Focusing On Adhd Strengths Like Creativity Builds Self-Confidence
Penn Holderness refers to ADHD as a brain difference which can be more empowering than viewing it as a disorder. Kim Holderness shares that their son's ADHD diagnosis felt heavy initially, but they later focused on the positive aspects, such as his potential for creativity and attentiveness to detail. Kennedy argues that a diagnosis shouldn't be seen as a negative label but as an understanding of how to empower children differently, akin to coaching a unique skill set in a basketball player.
Kim Holderness explains the need to accept different paths to success, which helps accommodate and empower children who may learn and develop differently. Acknowledging moments when children with ADHD are engaged and excelling in what they love boosts their self-esteem. Penn Holderness highlights their son's strengths, such as detail-oriented sports blog writing and proficiency in improv comedy.
Despite challenges associated with ADHD, kids also have unique strengths like increased creativity and spontaneity. A moment in their book identifies these challenges, followed by affirmations to boost children's self-confidence.
Strategies Like Routines, Visual Cues, and Strength-Based Activities Support Kids With Adhd
While specific strategies like routines and visual cues are not directly mentioned, the Holderness family's practices suggest employing positive reinforcement and strength-based activities. Kennedy speaks about seeking different coaching or support strategies tailored to a child's needs.
Kim Holderness discusses an empathetic approach to ADHD issues, such as forgetting homework, focusing on connecti ...
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Approaches To Empowering Kids With Adhd
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Counterarguments
- Reframing ADHD as a "difference" rather than a disorder might minimize the real challenges and struggles that children with ADHD and their families face, potentially leading to underestimating the need for support and accommodations.
- While focusing on strengths is beneficial, it's also important to address and manage the weaknesses or challenges associated with ADHD to ensure comprehensive support and development.
- The concept of "taking care of one’s future self" may be difficult for some children with ADHD to grasp due to their challenges with executive function and future-oriented planning.
- Not all children with ADHD may have increased creativity or spontaneity, and overgeneralizing these traits can lead to unrealistic expectations or pressure on children who do not exhibit them.
- While positive reinforcement is important, there may be situations where more direct or corrective feedback is necessary to help a child with ADHD learn from their mistakes and improve their behavior.
- The strategies suggested, such as sitting at the front of the class or scheduling tough classes earlier, may not be feasible or effective for all children with ADHD, as individual needs can vary greatly.
- The effectiveness of organizational systems like hampers for misplaced items or digital calendars may vary, and some children with ADHD might find these systems overwhelming or difficult to adhere to consistentl ...
Actionables
- You can create a "strengths journal" for your child with ADHD to document and celebrate their unique abilities and successes. Each day, encourage your child to write or draw something they did well or enjoyed, which can range from a creative idea they had to a problem they solved. This practice not only reinforces their strengths but also serves as a positive reminder of their capabilities during challenging times.
- Develop a "future self" storyboard with your child that illustrates their evening routine and the positive outcomes of following it. Use simple drawings or magazine cutouts to represent each step of the routine, such as laying out clothes for the next day or packing their backpack. Link each step to a benefit for their "future self," like having more time to play in the morning or feeling proud for being prepared, making the concept of future planning more tangible and rewarding.
- Organize a small, informal group of parents and children with ADHD t ...
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