Vulnerability, Courage & Fatherhood
In this episode of Good Inside, guest Joe Gonzales shares his experiences with fatherhood and the creation of the Brooklyn Stroll Club, a community he founded to combat the isolation many new fathers face. Through his story, Gonzales and Dr. Kennedy explore how fathers can build supportive networks and navigate the challenges of modern parenting without nearby family support.
The conversation examines the emotional aspects of fatherhood, including the importance of vulnerability and self-reflection in parent-child relationships. Gonzales discusses his approach to "Long Game" parenting, which emphasizes building trust and security over immediate compliance, and shares insights about modeling healthy emotional expression and conflict resolution for children. The discussion highlights how fathers can break patterns from their own childhoods while creating positive, lasting connections with their children.
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1-Page Summary
The Importance of Community and Support For Fathers
Joe Gonzales shares his journey of combating isolation as a new father through the creation of the Brooklyn Stroll Club. When Gonzales and his wife found themselves without nearby family support, he searched online for father groups but found none that offered the welcoming community he needed. Drawing from his observations of his own father's isolation, Gonzales decided to take action.
Brooklyn Stroll Club Fosters Community Among Fathers
The Brooklyn Stroll Club began with a simple online call for fathers to meet, growing into a vibrant community where dads can connect daily online and meet monthly in person. Gonzales notes that the club provides fathers a space to share common challenges and experiences, from early-morning parenting struggles to broader fatherhood experiences.
The Emotional and Psychological Aspects of Fatherhood
For Gonzales, fatherhood brings profound responsibilities that go beyond basic caregiving. He emphasizes the importance of unlearning patterns from his own childhood while taking positive lessons from his father's approach. This process involves personal growth and self-reflection, particularly in managing emotional responses to challenging situations with his child.
Gonzales and Dr. Becky Kennedy discuss the significance of vulnerability in parenting, particularly the power of apologizing to one's child. They note that this ability to admit mistakes and repair relationships demonstrates important emotional maturity to children.
Approaches to Parenting and Supporting Children's Emotional Development
Gonzales advocates for what he calls "Long Game" parenting, prioritizing long-term trust and security over immediate discipline. During challenging moments, such as stroller tantrums, he focuses on ensuring his son feels consistently loved rather than simply achieving immediate compliance.
In modeling healthy emotional expression, Gonzales consciously demonstrates positive conflict resolution with his partner, knowing his son is watching. He emphasizes the importance of showing vulnerability and accountability, suggesting that these practices not only benefit individual parent-child relationships but can lead to broader social change in how fathers approach parenting.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While the Brooklyn Stroll Club is a positive initiative, it may not be accessible or appealing to all fathers, as some may prefer more traditional support systems or have other commitments that prevent them from participating.
- The concept of "Long Game" parenting, while beneficial in many respects, might not address the need for immediate behavioral corrections that are sometimes necessary for a child's safety or social development.
- Apologizing to children and showing vulnerability are important, but there must be a balance to ensure that parental authority is maintained and children understand the consequences of their actions.
- The focus on unlearning negative patterns from one's own childhood is crucial, but it's also important to recognize that some traditional parenting practices may still hold value and can be adapted rather than completely discarded.
- The emphasis on fathers needing to demonstrate vulnerability might inadvertently perpetuate a stereotype that men are generally not vulnerable or emotionally expressive, which is not necessarily true for all men.
- The idea that modeling healthy emotional expression can lead to broader social change is optimistic, but societal attitudes towards fatherhood are influenced by a complex mix of factors and may not change rapidly just through individual actions.
- The club's focus on sharing common challenges and experiences is valuable, but it's important to ensure that it doesn't inadvertently create an echo chamber where only certain perspectives are shared and validated.
Actionables
- Start a reflective journaling practice to explore your own childhood experiences and how they shape your parenting. Each day, write about a memory from your childhood and reflect on how it influences your behavior as a parent. This can help you identify negative patterns you want to change and positive ones you want to reinforce.
- Create a "Long Game" parenting plan that outlines your long-term goals for your child's emotional security. Break down these goals into daily or weekly actions, such as dedicating time for open conversations, practicing patience during conflicts, and showing affection. Review and adjust this plan regularly to ensure it aligns with your child's development and your evolving relationship.
- Develop a "Family Emotional Toolkit" with your partner or co-parent that includes strategies for healthy emotional expression and conflict resolution. This toolkit might consist of cue cards with reminders for taking deep breaths before responding to stress, scripts for apologizing and discussing feelings, and activities that encourage bonding and understanding, like family game nights or walks where everyone can talk about their day. Use this toolkit during challenging moments to model positive behavior for your children.
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The Importance of Community and Support For Fathers
Joe Gonzales shares his experiences of isolation as a new father and the sense of communal support he fostered with the creation of the Brooklyn Stroll Club.
Fathers Feel Isolated and Lack Supportive Communities
Joe Gonzalez Sought Local Dads Online but Found No Groups to Connect
Joe Gonzalez felt isolated as a new father, especially since he and his wife had no family nearby. Joe sought to create a village or community for themselves as they navigated parenthood. When he went online asking "where are the dads at", he found no active groups that made him feel welcome or belonged despite other fathers expressing similar feelings of isolation.
Joe observed that his own father, although hardworking, was also isolated, which influenced his father's behavior and expression. Gonzalez believes that while having a place for fathers to talk daily and meet up monthly doesn’t cure loneliness, it begins a needed conversation and movement.
Brooklyn Stroll Club Fosters Community Among Fathers
Brooklyn Stroll Club: A Space For Fathers to Connect
Joe Gonzalez founded the Brooklyn Stroll Club to provide a space where fathers could connect and feel supported. Starting with an online call for fathers to meet on a random Saturday, he received a positive response from other dads. The Brooklyn Stroll Club has grown into an online community where dads can chat daily and meet up monthly, providing a shared experience of fatherhood.
Community of Fathers Alleviates Isolation By Addressing Parenthood Challenges
Joe exp ...
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The Importance of Community and Support For Fathers
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While the Brooklyn Stroll Club is a positive initiative, it may not be scalable or applicable to all fathers, as different communities have different dynamics and needs.
- The assumption that all fathers feel isolated might overlook those who have strong support systems in place through family, friends, or other community groups.
- The focus on fathers may inadvertently exclude or underrepresent the experiences of non-binary or transgender parents who also face isolation and seek community support.
- The narrative may unintentionally reinforce gender stereotypes by implying that fathers are the ones who predominantly feel isolated in parenthood, whereas mothers might also experience similar feelings.
- The effectiveness of online communities in alleviating feelings of isolation can vary greatly among individuals, with some finding it less beneficial than in-person interactions.
- The idea that having many friends is a sign of a supportive community might not resonate with everyone, as some individuals may prefer deeper connections with a smaller ci ...
Actionables
- You can start a "Dad Pen Pal" program in your community to connect fathers who might not be able to meet in person. By pairing dads with similar interests or children of similar ages, they can exchange letters or emails, sharing experiences and advice, which can help reduce feelings of isolation. For example, a local library or community center could facilitate the matching process and provide a secure way to exchange contact information.
- Create a virtual "Fatherhood Book Club" where dads can discuss parenting books and share insights. This can be done through social media groups or video conferencing platforms. Each month, the group could pick a book focused on fatherhood or child development, read it, and then meet online to discuss the takeaways, thus creating a space for emotional support and shared learning.
- Develop ...
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The Emotional and Psychological Aspects of Fatherhood
Joe Gonzales' reflections on fatherhood shed light on the profound emotional and psychological experiences that accompany the journey of becoming a father.
Fatherhood: A Transformative Challenge for Personal Growth
Joe Gonzales feels an immense responsibility upon seeing his son, recognizing the need to provide and consistently express love, beyond achieving immediate goals like getting to the park. He reflects on the need to respond better than his own father may have, taking the positive lessons he learned from his father's approach and applying them in his own parenting.
Joe's Responsibility to Provide Differently For His Son
Joe discusses the responsibility to unlearn patterns from his past for his son's benefit, focusing on the improvement of reactions and responses. This includes moments of mourning what he did not experience in childhood, healing through witnessing his son's experiences.
Fatherhood Sparks Personal Growth as Men Unlearn Harmful Childhood Patterns
Fatherhood prompts Joe Gonzales to consider the long game in parenting and to unlearn certain attitudes passed down from his father. This self-reflection and commitment to doing better highlights the transformative growth fatherhood can catalyze.
Navigating Fatherhood Requires Vulnerability and Self-Awareness
Addressing a child's tantrums or behavioral challenges, Joe Gonzales finds himself introspecting about his parental reactions, noting embarrassment and sadness. This introspection indicates the need for vulnerability and self-awareness to respond connectively to a child's needs.
Admitting Struggles or Mistakes and Apologizing To a Child Is Important For Modeling Healthy Emot ...
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Counterarguments
- While Joe Gonzales emphasizes the importance of unlearning harmful patterns, it's also important to recognize that some traditional parenting practices may have value and can be adapted rather than completely discarded.
- The text implies that Joe Gonzales finds healing through his son's experiences, but it's important to note that relying on a child's experiences for one's own emotional healing can place undue pressure on the child and may not address the root of one's issues.
- The idea that fatherhood inherently catalyzes transformative personal growth may not hold true for all individuals; personal growth is a complex process influenced by many factors beyond parenthood.
- The emphasis on regulating emotions to respond with patience and empathy could be seen as an oversimplification of the challenges parents face; there are situations where a range of emotional responses, including frustration, can be a natural and understandable part of parenting.
- The notion that admitting mistakes and apologizing to a child is more vulnerable than saying "I love you" could be contested, as expressions of love can also be deeply vulnerable, depending on the individual's experiences and cultural background.
- The text s ...
Actionables
- Create a "Parenting Reflection Journal" to document and analyze your reactions to your child's behavior, noting what you handled well and what you could improve. By regularly reviewing your entries, you can identify patterns in your behavior, recognize progress, and set specific goals for personal growth in your parenting style.
- Develop a "Family Apology Ritual" where you openly express regret for mistakes and discuss the importance of forgiveness with your child. This could involve a special place in the home where family members can go to apologize, a specific phrase that signals the start of an apology, or a family handshake that concludes the process, reinforcing the value of repairing relationships.
- Initiate a "Patience Practice" routine by s ...
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Approaches to Parenting and Supporting Children's Emotional Development
Parenting strategies that prioritize emotional intelligence and long-term trust can profoundly impact a child's emotional development.
Validating Emotions to Foster Parent-Child Solutions
Joe Ensured His Son Felt Loved During a Stroller Tantrum
Joe believes that parenting extends beyond immediate actions to the relational and emotional long-term impact. Amid a stroller tantrum, Joe focused on ensuring his son felt loved at all times, not just when en route to a destination. This approach highlights the "Long Game" of parenting, prioritizing long-term trust and security over immediate strict discipline.
"Long Game" Parenting Builds Long-Term Trust and Security Over Strict Discipline
Joe also received advice from a friend with an 18-year-old son, which underscored the value of making minor issues matter when stakes are low. This strategy helps build a foundation of understanding and trust so that children grasp the importance and trust their parents when the stakes are high.
Modeling Healthy Emotional Expression and Apologizing Supports Child Development
Children Learn to Manage Emotions By Observing Parents Handle Feelings and Conflicts
Although not explicitly mentioned in the transcript, Joe's own need to control his responses in front of his son is indicative of the idea that children learn to manage emotions by observing their parents. Joe’s tactic of validating his son's feelings and finding a solution without resorting to a "quick vomit your own frustration response" serves as a model for managing feelings and conflicts.
Fathers Showing Vulnerability and Accountability Teach Self-Awareness and Relational Skills
Joe consciously acts out healthy emotional expression and vulnerability during disagreements with his ...
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Approaches to Parenting and Supporting Children's Emotional Development
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While prioritizing emotional intelligence is important, some argue that setting clear boundaries and consistent discipline is also crucial for a child's sense of security and understanding of consequences.
- Emotional validation is key, but it must be balanced with teaching children appropriate ways to express and manage their emotions, so they don't learn that tantrums are an effective way to get attention.
- The "Long Game" parenting approach may not address immediate behavioral issues effectively, potentially leading to children not understanding the immediate consequences of their actions.
- Addressing minor issues when stakes are low is beneficial, but it's also important to ensure that children understand the gravity of serious issues and the difference between minor and major concerns.
- Observational learning from parents is significant, but children also learn from a variety of other sources, such as peers, teachers, and media, which can sometimes contradict parental modeling.
- Modeling healthy emotional regulation is important, but parents also need to teach children coping strategies for when they are not around to model behavior.
- Fathers showing vulnerability is important, but there must be a balance to ensure that children also see examp ...
Actionables
- Create a "Feelings Journal" for your family where each member, including parents, can express their emotions and thoughts from the day, fostering an environment of openness and emotional literacy. This journal can be a shared notebook where everyone writes down their feelings and the events that triggered them. Over time, this practice can help children understand that all emotions are valid and provide a safe space for expressing themselves without fear of immediate judgment or discipline.
- Start a weekly "Family Meeting" tradition where everyone discusses their highs and lows of the week, including parents, to model vulnerability and emotional communication. During these meetings, encourage each family member to share something they struggled with and something they were proud of. This teaches children that it's normal to have a range of emotions and experiences and that they can trust their family to support them through both good and bad times.
- Implement a "Cool-Down Corner" ...
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