Should I Praise My Kid?
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Dr. Kennedy explores how different types of praise affect children's development and self-worth. Drawing from Carol Dweck's research, she examines why praising intelligence can lead children to avoid challenges, while praising effort helps build resilience. She also discusses how an overreliance on external validation can impact children's confidence and identity formation.
Dr. Kennedy presents strategies for parents to help their children develop authentic, lasting confidence. She explains methods for encouraging self-reflection in children and suggests ways to shift focus from achievements to effort and growth. The episode covers practical approaches for helping children build internal sources of self-worth rather than depending on constant outside approval.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Sep 9, 2025 episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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1-Page Summary
Praise Nuances and Effects on Child Confidence
Carol Dweck's research reveals that the type of praise children receive significantly impacts their development. While praising intelligence often leads to fear of failure and challenge avoidance, praise focused on effort tends to build resilience and confidence. Her research shows that emphasizing the process behind achievements, rather than the achievements themselves, helps children develop stronger coping mechanisms.
Building Internal Sources of Self-Worth in Children
Dr. Becky Kennedy explains that children's self-worth can become problematically tied to external validation when praise focuses primarily on achievements. She observes that this often results in adults who struggle with self-confidence when external validation diminishes. Kennedy notes that this is particularly challenging for children whose identity becomes linked to specific traits, such as being "the smart one," and can lead to anxiety or depression when these identities are challenged.
Strategies For Helping Children Develop True, Lasting Confidence
Kennedy advocates for a shift from praise-seeking to self-reflection in children. She suggests guiding children through reflective questioning about their choices and experiences, helping them understand their own preferences and feelings. Rather than focusing on outcomes, Kennedy encourages parents to highlight children's effort, persistence, and growth. She emphasizes the importance of helping children find value in their thought processes and internal experiences, rather than seeking external validation. This approach helps build lasting confidence that comes from within rather than depending on outside approval.
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Counterarguments
- While praising effort is important, it's also necessary to recognize achievement and intelligence to some extent, as these are also parts of a child's identity and can motivate them.
- Some argue that resilience can also be built by teaching children to see intelligence as malleable rather than fixed, which can include praising intelligent behavior as a result of hard work.
- There is a risk that focusing too much on effort could inadvertently send a message that the child is not naturally talented or intelligent.
- Overemphasis on self-reflection and internal validation might not prepare children for real-world scenarios where external validation is often a measure of success.
- Some children might respond well to competition and comparison, which can be motivating and lead to higher achievement.
- The balance between internal and external validation might be more complex, with some children benefiting from a combination of both.
- The strategies suggested may not be universally effective, as children have individual differences and may require different approaches to build confidence.
- There is a possibility that too much focus on internal validation could lead to narcissism or an inflated sense of self-worth that does not align with a child's actual abilities or social feedback.
- The idea that linking identity to specific traits is inherently problematic may be oversimplified, as strong identities can also provide a sense of purpose and direction.
Actionables
- You can create a "Growth Diary" for your child where they can write or draw daily experiences focusing on their efforts and what they learned. This encourages them to reflect on their personal growth and understand that their value isn't tied to outcomes. For example, after completing a puzzle, instead of just celebrating the completion, ask them to describe how they solved difficult parts and what strategies they used.
- Start a family tradition of "Effort Awards" where each week, every family member shares a moment where they persisted despite challenges. This shifts the focus from achievements to the value of trying and improving, fostering an environment where effort is recognized and celebrated. For instance, if your child tried a new sport and didn't win but kept trying, that's a perfect Effort Award moment.
- Introduce "Thoughtful Thursdays" where you spend time with your child discussing their thoughts and feelings about various subjects without any judgment or expectations. This can be during dinner or before bedtime. Ask open-ended questions like "What made you happy today and why?" or "How did you feel when you worked on your art project?" This helps them value their internal experiences and develop self-awareness.
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Praise Nuances and Effects on Child Confidence
Praise Can Unintentionally Affect Children's Motivation and Resilience
Carol Dweck's research is pivotal in understanding how different types of praise affect children. She finds that children who are praised for being smart may develop adverse behaviors, such as avoiding challenges, giving up more readily after making mistakes, and harboring a fear of failure. In contrast, children praised for their efforts tend to become more resilient and confident, showing more determination even in the face of challenges.
Research Shows Effort-Based Praise Builds More Confidence and Resilience Than Trait-Based Praise
The research indicates that while achievement, such as scoring a goal in soccer, often draws praise for the result, it's the effort behind the accomplishment that is more beneficial to emphasize. Praising children for persistence and trying different strategies reinforces resilience and instills a sense of confidence that is grounded in their ability to overcome obstacles.
Praise Delivery Matters More Than the Act Itself
The act of giving praise is significant, but the way it's delivered can have profound impacts on a child's development.
Acknowledging a Child's Process and Internal Experiences Is More Impactful Than Outcome-Focused Praise
Dr. Becky Kennedy emphasizes that praise which fixates on outcomes can lead children to seek validation from external sources, rather than finding satisfaction in their own efforts and internal experiences. By acknowledging the process a child goes through—such as hard work during soccer practice, demonstrating sportsmanship, or handling the disappointment of missing a penalty kick—parents and caregivers can help children build an understanding of what's truly important.
Kennedy suggests that th ...
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Praise Nuances and Effects on Child Confidence
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Clarifications
- Carol Dweck's research focuses on the impact of praise on children's motivation and resilience. She distinguishes between praising children for their innate traits (like being smart) versus praising their efforts. Dweck found that children praised for effort tend to be more resilient and confident, while those praised for innate abilities may avoid challenges and fear failure. Her work highlights the importance of emphasizing effort over inherent traits when praising children to foster a growth mindset and positive development.
- Trait-based praise focuses on inherent qualities or characteristics of a child, like being smart or talented. Effort-based praise, on the other hand, emphasizes the actions, strategies, and perseverance a child puts into a task or goal. Praising traits can lead to a fixed mindset, while praising effort encourages a growth mindset and resilience in facing challenges.
- Praising children for being smart can unintentionally lead them to fear failure, avoid challenges, and give up easily when faced with difficulties. This type of praise may create a fixed mindset where children believe their intelligence is a fixed trait rather than something that can be developed through effort and learning. It can hinder their resilience and motivation to take on new challenges, as they may prioritize maintaining the image of being smart over the process of learning and growth.
- Praise delivery impacts child development by influencing how children perceive their abilities and approach challenges. Emphasizing effort over innate traits fosters resilience and confidence. Acknowledging a child's process and internal experiences encourages intrinsic motivation and a sense of worth. This approach helps children focus on personal growth rather than seeking external validation.
- Dr. Becky Kennedy emphasizes the importance of praise that focuses on a child's process and internal experiences rather than just the outcomes. She suggests that when children are constantly seeking approval for their achievements, it may indicate an overreliance on external validation. Kennedy advises parents to ask questions that encourage children to discuss their daily experiences holistically, including challenges and acts of kindness, to help them develop a deeper understanding of what truly matters. By showing curiosity in a child's thought processes and acknowledging their decision-making, parents can help foster an internal sense of worth that goes beyond external accolades.
- Acknowledging a child's process and internal experiences involves recognizing and valuing the effort, emotions, and thoughts they put into their actions and experiences. This type of acknowledgment focuses on the journey the ...
Counterarguments
- While effort-based praise is important, it's also necessary to recognize achievement to validate a child's success and provide a clear understanding of when they have met or exceeded expectations.
- Some argue that a balance between effort and trait-based praise is necessary, as children also need to understand their innate strengths and abilities.
- Overemphasis on effort may lead to a misunderstanding that effort alone is always enough, which may not be the case in situations where talent, strategy, or other factors play a critical role.
- The impact of praise may also be influenced by cultural factors, and what works in one cultural context may not be as effective in another.
- Children are individuals, and some may respond better to outcome-focused praise, depending on their personality and motivational style.
- There is a risk that focusing too much on the process could underplay the importance of achieving goals and delivering results, which are also important life skills.
- The idea that seeking external validation is inherently negative may be oversimplified, as external feedback is a part of social learning and can ...
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Building Internal Sources of Self-Worth in Children
Kennedy explains how a reliance on external validation for achievements during childhood can result in fragile self-confidence and difficulty coping with challenges in adulthood.
"Children's Self-Worth Is Shaped by External Validation"
Fragile Self-Confidence and Adult Struggles Without External Affirmation
Kennedy observes that when children are consistently praised for their achievements, their self-worth becomes intertwined with other people's comments and applause. The absence of this external validation, such as during solo activities or failures, often leads them to feelings of inadequacy or diminished self-worth. Many successful adults share stories of challenges they face when earlier life accomplishments no longer offer the external validation they once did. This shift can be disorienting for those who grew accustomed to frequent affirmation.
Kennedy also notes that children whose self-worth is tied to narrow identities, such as being the funny one or the smart one, can experience anxiety or depression when those aspects are challenged, such as during puberty. Social media exacerbates this by emphasizing an outside-in definition of self-worth where value is based on likes and group inclusion.
Helping Children Find Self-Worth and Confidence Internally Is Crucial for Long-Term Well-Being
To help children develop a strong sense of self-worth, it's crucial to focus on internal validation rather than external. Kennedy shares that when her own child seeks approval, she shifts her responses to focus on the child's internal preferences and feelings. Recognizing what feels good to them and understanding their own likes and dislikes are essential for children to develop a sturdy sense of self-worth.
Kennedy emphasizes the importance of building co ...
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Building Internal Sources of Self-Worth in Children
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Counterarguments
- External validation is a natural and important part of social development, and seeking a balance between internal and external sources of self-worth might be more realistic than focusing solely on internal validation.
- Some degree of external validation can motivate children to achieve and adhere to social norms and expectations, which are necessary for functioning in society.
- The text may underestimate the resilience of children and adults who can adapt to different sources of self-worth throughout their lives.
- The emphasis on internal validation might not fully prepare children for real-world scenarios where external feedback is a critical component of personal and professional growth.
- The idea that homes should be an antidote to external pressures could potentially create an environment that is overly protective, which may not adequately prepare children for the inevitable external pressures of the real world.
- The focus on the child's effort and response to setbacks, while important, should not completely overshadow the celebration of achievements, as this can also contribute to a healthy sense of self-worth.
- The text may not ackno ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Journey Jar" where your child can drop in notes about personal achievements and efforts, regardless of the outcome. Explain to your child that the jar is a physical representation of their growth and efforts. Each note can describe something they tried hard at, a new skill they practiced, or a challenge they faced. Periodically, you and your child can go through the jar to reflect on the journey and celebrate the process of learning and growing.
- Start a family tradition of "Effort Dinners" where once a month, the meal's theme is celebrating efforts rather than achievements. During the dinner, each family member shares a story about a time they persevered, made an effort, or learned from a setback. This reinforces the value of effort and personal growth, making it a shared value within the family.
- Encourage your ...
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Strategies For Helping Children Develop True, Lasting Confidence
Kennedy discusses strategies for fostering a deep sense of confidence in children that is rooted in self-worth rather than external validation.
Encouraging Children to Reflect, Not Seek Praise
Kennedy suggests that children need to be guided through reflective questioning about their choices to help them understand their likes and dislikes. She intends to shift the child's focus from seeking external validation to internal reflection about what makes them feel good and comfortable.
Fosters Children's Internal Locus of Control and Self-Awareness
The podcast encourages parents to focus on fostering in children a deeper understanding of self-worth by encouraging reflection instead of praise-seeking. By praising effort and internal qualities over outcomes, children are encouraged to develop self-awareness and an internal locus of control. Kennedy describes how children can become so engrossed in an activity that they don't look for an endpoint or seek adult approval, but rather are enthralled by themselves.
Highlighting a Child's Effort, Persistence, and Growth Over Success
Kennedy underscores the importance of asking children questions that lead them to reflect on their experiences and efforts rather than emphasizing competition and outcomes. This approach can create a magical feeling for both children and parents, as it fosters a child’s autonomy and self-awareness.
Self-Worth Is in the Process, Not the Outcome
Kennedy believes children's self-worth should be built on the process of their actions rather than the outcome. Through effort and persistence, children learn to value their own efforts, even when outcomes are not immediately successful or praised. Kennedy stresses that the journey of hard work and perseverance is where true, lasting confidence is built.
Modeling Parental Self-Acceptance and Compassion Beyond Children's Achievements
Kennedy advises parents to affirm children’s value b ...
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Strategies For Helping Children Develop True, Lasting Confidence
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Counterarguments
- While fostering an internal locus of control is beneficial, it's important to balance this with the understanding that some outcomes are influenced by external factors beyond personal control.
- Encouraging reflection over seeking praise may not address the need for social validation, which is a natural and healthy part of human development.
- Highlighting effort and growth is important, but it's also necessary to acknowledge and celebrate successes to maintain motivation and recognize achievement.
- Building self-worth solely on the process may inadvertently minimize the importance of setting and achieving goals, which can also contribute to confidence.
- While perseverance is crucial, it's also important to teach children when it might be appropriate to reassess their approach or disengage from unattainable goals to prevent burnout.
- Affirming a child's value beyond achievements is important, but it's also necessary to prepare them for a world that often measures worth through accomplishments.
- Modeling self-acceptance is key, but parents should also demonstrate how to cope with and learn from failure and criticism.
- Teaching that confidence comes from withi ...
Actionables
- Create a "Reflection Journal" for your child where they can write or draw about their daily experiences, focusing on what they learned about themselves rather than what they achieved. This encourages them to think about their feelings and reactions to different situations, helping them understand their preferences and fostering self-awareness.
- Start a family tradition of "Effort Celebrations" where you spend time together acknowledging the hard work everyone has put into their activities, regardless of the outcome. This could be as simple as sharing stories of perseverance over dinner, which reinforces the value of effort and persistence.
- Develop a "Compliment Exchange" game where family me ...
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