Exclusive Peek: A Good Inside Members' Q&A

Kennedy offers insight into guiding children through the process of emotion regulation and managing behavior appropriately, emphasizing that while feelings are natural, behavior can and should be shaped over time.

Helping Children Express Big Feelings in Appropriate Ways

Validate Feelings, Set Behavior Limits

Kennedy delineates the difference between feelings and behavior, stating that feelings often manifest as behavior when the child lacks the skill to manage them properly. For example, children might act out in anger through undesirable actions such as hitting or verbal outbursts like saying "I hate you." To revolutionize a child’s understanding, Kennedy advises parents to affirm that it’s okay to feel angry but not okay to engage in harmful behaviors. A parent might say, "I won't let you hit, it is okay to feel angry," as a means to validate their child's emotion while establishing a boundary for their actions.

Outlets For Children's Intense Emotions

Kennedy addresses concerns regarding balancing acknowledgment of all feelings as valid, but not all behaviors. She underscores the importance of validating emotions by saying, "I get you're mad, and that makes sense," while making it clear that certain behaviors are off-limits. To give children positive outlets for their emotions, Kennedy suggests statements such as, "I won't let you hit me. You can hit the pillow," helping to channel their emotions into acceptable behaviors.

Teaching Children Emotion Regulation Skills Over Time

Self-Control Develops Gradually, Not Overnight

When managing a child’s behavior, Kennedy compares the process to sports practice, stating that self-control—like improving at basketball—requires time, patience, and consistent practice. She reassures parents that ...

Learning to handle parental triggers and emotions is a crucial aspect of nurturing not only our children but also ourselves. As parents, our responses to our children’s behaviors often have deep roots in our own past experiences.

How Childhood Experiences Shape Parental Reactions

Triggers Reveal Areas For Growth and Reflection

Triggers can serve as significant indicators pointing toward areas within ourselves that require attention and personal development. For example, a parent who is triggered by their child's constant interruptions may need to explore the underlying reasons that such interruptions are bothersome, unveiling personal sensitivities or unresolved issues. This introspection can lead to growth and an improved understanding of their own behaviors.

Separating Our Child's Behavior From Our Shame

Becky Kennedy proposes that to avoid negative reactions like withdrawal or anger, a parent should communicate openly with their child about their need for space. This candid acknowledgment of their trigger helps to defuse the situation without escalating emotions.

Communicating With Children About Parental Triggers Constructively

Preview Situations and Inform Children When You Need a Break to Regain Composure

By anticipating situations that might trigger a reaction and discussing them with the child beforehand, the parent can reduce the potential impact of the trigger. Establishing signals with one's child, such as a physical gesture, can indicate the need for a brief pause, allowing the parent to regain composure in a non-confrontational manner.

Becky Kennedy underscores the significance o ...

Becky Kennedy and Jamie Pfeffer analyze strategies for handling various child behaviors and challenges, emphasizing the importance of approaching situations with curiosity, fostering empathy, and avoiding shaming the child.

Handling Bullying: If Your Child Is the Victim or Aggressor

Approach Child Behavior With Curiosity, Not Labels

Kennedy underscores the importance of addressing a child's experience of bullying with a long-term developmental approach, suggesting that being "long-term greedy" means focusing on strengthening a child's ability to manage difficult social situations. She recommends staying emotionally present with the child and listening to their experiences without rushing to action or attaching labels to the behavior. By doing so, parents can better understand the underlying issues behind the child's behavior.

Teach Your Child Empathy, Perspective, and Conflict Resolution

Instead of teaching a child to retaliate against a bully, Kennedy advocates changing the narrative to focus on self-talk, which helps bolster resilience and compassion. She suggests parents teach their children to say to themselves, "I don't have to believe what other people say about me" and "I can be bad at running and still be a fun, awesome kid," instilling empathy towards themselves and giving them a more balanced perspective on their abilities. She proposes waiting to understand situations better before reacting and fostering conflict resolution by getting the full story and determining if and how to respond.

Supporting a Perfectionistic Child

Validate the Positive Aspects of Your Child's Excellence

Kennedy advises parents to appreciate and validate the positive aspects of their child's pursuit of excellence, emphasizing that perfectionism becomes an issue when it overshadows other parts of life. She notes that a desire to achieve is a valuable trait as it shows a child's care and belief in their abilities.

Help Your Child See Self-Criticism As a Chance For Growth, Not a Measure of Self-Worth

Kennedy discusses helping children understand that their value isn't tied solely to particular abilities or achievements, like being good at soccer. Instead, she highlights the importance of teaching children to view self-criticism as a growth opportunity rather than a defining measure of their self-worth. When a child criticizes themselves, Kennedy suggests reframing the criticism and recognizing mistakes as part of the learning process, not as an indicat ...

Kennedy and other experts discuss strategies to develop self-awareness and self-compassion in the context of parenting, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging the inner critic and embracing personal growth.

Acknowledging and Separating From the Inner Critic

Name the Self-Critical Voice to Distance It From Your Core Self

Kennedy suggests naming the inner critical voice (e.g., Heather or Bertha) to create separation and not identify with the negative thoughts that one is a bad parent. Jamie Pfeffer uses the name "Bertha" for the self-critical voice, which helps distinguish this part as separate from the whole self. Kennedy emphasizes that naming this part allows one to see it as a part of themselves, not all of themselves, and provides the framework to shift away from negative thought spirals.

Respond Empathetically To the Inner Critic, Recognizing Its Experiential Origins

Kennedy suggests acknowledging the inner critic non-hostilely, saying, "Hi Bertha," for example, recognizing that the critical voice likely developed from a past belief that perfection was necessary for love and worth. She notes that the loudest thought is not the truest, but the most practiced. Naming the self-critical voice and understanding its origins allows one to step back and see the critical part as something to observe rather than something that defines them. Waiting and trusting oneself as a parent allows for self-compassion and acknowledges that not everything must be solved immediately.

Embracing the Journey of Personal Growth and Becoming

Kennedy highlights the importance of reflection and learning, pointing out that the results of personal commitments may not be evident until weeks or months later. She stresses that it's about the internal process of self-worth and self-trust, rather than external momentary events, and emphasizes the significance of trusting oneself and being on a growth path.

Good Inside's approach, according to Kennedy, helps kids grow and adults return to foundational practices that aid in personal growth. These principles are important throughout parenting, which involv ...