Podcasts > Good Inside with Dr. Becky > What Boys and Dads Really Need with Richard Reeves

What Boys and Dads Really Need with Richard Reeves

By Dr. Becky

In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Dr. Becky Kennedy and Richard Reeves explore gender differences in child development and education. Their conversation examines how boys tend to lag behind girls in language and self-regulation skills, and how the current education system may contribute to these disparities. They also discuss how boys express and process emotions differently than girls, often preferring to communicate during activities rather than through direct conversations.

The discussion extends to the unique role fathers play in child development, particularly during adolescence. Kennedy and Reeves examine how fathers support children's transition to independence through adventure and controlled risk-taking, complementing the nurturing role typically associated with mothers. They explore research on the long-term impact of father-child relationships and discuss different parenting approaches between mothers and fathers.

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What Boys and Dads Really Need with Richard Reeves

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What Boys and Dads Really Need with Richard Reeves

1-Page Summary

Gender Differences in Child Development and Education

In a discussion between Becky Kennedy and Richard Reeves, they explore how gender differences in child development affect educational outcomes. They note that boys typically lag behind girls in language and self-regulation skills from an early age. Reeves points out that the education system appears increasingly "female-friendly," with boys facing higher rates of school exclusion and lower academic performance. He notes that two-thirds of the bottom 10% of high school GPAs belong to boys, while girls dominate the top 10%. Contributing factors include fewer male teachers and reduced sports participation for boys.

Parenting Strategies For Supporting Boys' Emotional Needs

Kennedy and Reeves discuss how boys express emotions differently than girls, often preferring to communicate during activities rather than through direct conversations. Reeves explains that boys tend to express feelings "shoulder to shoulder," such as during drives or while playing games. Kennedy emphasizes the importance of creating non-confrontational settings for emotional expression, particularly for "deeply feeling kids." She suggests that parents can help boys process emotions by sharing their own vulnerable stories, while being careful not to transfer their anxieties to their children.

Fathers' Role and Importance in Children's Lives

Drawing from Anna Machin's work, Reeves explains that fathers excel at supporting children's transition to independence, particularly during adolescence. They provide adventure and controlled risk-taking opportunities that complement mothers' nurturing role. Reeves highlights research showing that a woman's relationship with her father at age 16 strongly predicts her mental health in her 30s. Both Kennedy and Reeves emphasize that fathers' involvement is crucial for children's well-being, even if their parenting style differs from mothers'. Reeves notes that fathers get their highest [restricted term] spike not from cuddling, but from activities involving controlled risk, such as throwing their children in the air.

1-Page Summary

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Counterarguments

  • While boys may lag behind girls in language and self-regulation skills, this does not necessarily mean that the education system is biased against them; it could indicate a need for different teaching strategies that cater to boys' learning styles.
  • The perception of the education system as "female-friendly" could be challenged by the argument that the system should not be gendered and that both boys and girls can thrive under a variety of teaching methods and disciplines.
  • The statistic that two-thirds of the bottom 10% of high school GPAs belong to boys might overlook other factors such as socioeconomic status, race, and individual differences that also impact academic performance.
  • The issue of fewer male teachers and reduced sports participation for boys could be seen as a reflection of broader societal norms and values rather than a direct cause of boys' lower academic performance.
  • The idea that boys prefer to express emotions during activities might be an overgeneralization and does not account for individual differences among boys.
  • The emphasis on fathers' roles in providing adventure and risk-taking opportunities could be seen as reinforcing traditional gender roles, and it might be argued that both parents can equally provide these experiences.
  • The link between a woman's relationship with her father at age 16 and her mental health in her 30s could be influenced by many other variables, and it might be an oversimplification to attribute mental health outcomes to a single factor.
  • The claim that fathers get their highest [restricted term] spike from activities involving controlled risk could be challenged by research showing that bonding and attachment are complex processes that can be stimulated by a variety of interactions, not just risk-related activities.

Actionables

  • You can foster emotional literacy in boys by starting a "feelings journal" where they can draw or write about their emotions after engaging in their favorite activities. Explain that this journal is a private space where they can express themselves freely, and encourage them to share entries when they feel comfortable. For example, after a soccer game, a boy might draw a picture of how he felt during a pivotal moment and later discuss it during a relaxed family dinner.
  • Encourage fathers to plan regular "adventure days" with their children that involve a new or slightly challenging activity, like hiking a new trail or building a model rocket. This not only strengthens the father-child bond but also provides a natural setting for teaching and learning about risk-taking and independence. Document these adventures with photos or a scrapbook to reflect on the growth and shared experiences over time.
  • Create a "story-sharing" evening once a week where family members take turns telling stories about a time they felt a strong emotion, what caused it, and how they dealt with it. This practice normalizes vulnerability and emotional expression in a non-confrontational setting, making it easier for boys to articulate their feelings. To make it engaging, use a storytelling prompt jar with different emotions or scenarios to spark ideas for each week's stories.

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What Boys and Dads Really Need with Richard Reeves

Gender Differences in Child Development and Education

The dialogue between Becky Kennedy and Richard Reeves illuminates the differences in child development between genders and how educational systems may not fully accommodate these differences, potentially widening the education gender gap.

Boys Lag Behind Girls in Language and Self-Regulation Development

Kennedy and Reeves note that from a young age, there is a notable difference in the development of language and self-regulation skills between boys and girls.

Schools May Not Accommodate Different Development of Boys and Girls

Kennedy addresses that schools might not be designed to meet the different developmental stages and needs of boys compared to girls. Reeves echoes this concern, stating that the education system seems unprepared for boys, who typically are not as developed in language and self-regulation as girls of the same age, and these factors aren't being adequately considered in education policy.

Education System More "Female-Friendly" Than "Male-Friendly"

Reeves observes that the trend in the school system has been skewing towards a more "female-friendly" environment.

Boys Face Higher School Exclusion and Lower Academic Performance Than Girls

Reeves points out that boys are significantly more likely to be excluded from school and generally have lower academic performance, with two-thirds of the bottom 10% of high school GPAs belonging to boys, while two-thirds of the top 10% are girls.

Fewer Male Te ...

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Gender Differences in Child Development and Education

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Clarifications

  • Self-regulation skills encompass a range of abilities related to managing one's thoughts, emotions, and behaviors effectively. These skills involve controlling impulses, focusing attention, setting and working towards goals, and adapting to different situations. In the context of child development, self-regulation is crucial for academic success, social interactions, and overall well-being. Children with strong self-regulation skills tend to exhibit better academic performance, improved behavior, and enhanced social relationships.
  • The idea of the education system being "female-friendly" or "male-friendly" suggests that certain aspects of the system may cater more naturally to the learning styles or needs traditionally associated with one gender over the other. This concept implies that the way subjects are taught, classroom environments, and even extracurricular activities may inadvertently favor one gender's learning tendencies or interests. It highlights the need for educational institutions to consider and address these potential biases to ensure equitable opportunities and outcomes for all students.
  • The statistics mentioned highlight that boys are more prone to school exclusion and tend to have lower academic performance compared to girls. This disparity is evident in the distribution of high school GPAs, with a higher percentage of boys in the lower academic bracket and more girls in the top tier. Factors like fewe ...

Counterarguments

  • While boys may lag behind girls in language and self-regulation development on average, individual differences can be significant, and not all boys will fit this generalization.
  • Some educational approaches, such as Montessori or STEAM-focused schools, may cater to different learning styles and could be beneficial for boys who struggle in traditional settings.
  • The perception of the education system as "female-friendly" could be challenged by the argument that the system should not be gendered and that all children benefit from a nurturing and supportive educational environment.
  • Higher rates of school exclusion for boys could be influenced by a range of factors, including socioeconomic status, cultural expectations, and behavioral health issues, rather than a systemic bias against boys.
  • The correlation between fewer male teachers and boys' academic performance may not imply causation; other factors could contribute to the educational outcomes of boys.
  • The ...

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What Boys and Dads Really Need with Richard Reeves

Parenting Strategies For Supporting Boys' Emotional Needs

Kennedy and Richard Reeves delve into parenting techniques that nurture the emotional well-being of boys by creating an environment of empathy and non-confrontational communication.

Boys Express Feelings and Emotions Differently Than Girls

Boys Express More Through Activities or Shared Experiences Than Conversations

Richard Reeves highlights that boys and men often express their feelings "shoulder to shoulder," indicating their preference for communicating emotions while engaged in activities rather than through direct conversations. He suggests that boys may spontaneously open up during a drive, while watching soccer, or while playing video games. Boys often share their feelings as a byproduct of these shared experiences.

Let Boys Open Up On Their Terms

Kennedy discusses the concept of "deeply feeling kids," which includes boys who might be overwhelmed by direct conversations about their feelings. These boys may communicate more comfortably in less confrontational settings or through shared activities. She emphasizes approaching boys with curiosity and understanding, rather than reactivity, to remove assumptions of fault when addressing what may be wrong.

Supportive Environment For Boys' Emotional Processing

Empathy and Understanding Help Boys Express Vulnerability Comfortably

Reeves warns against treating boys like "malfunctioning women" regarding how they express emotions. He demonstrates the importance of creating opportunities for boys to share on their own terms and stresses not having an agenda when spending time with them to allow for natural expression of vulnerability.

Richard Reeves shares a personal example where his son needed to engage in an activity, like building a fire up a mountain, to open up. Instead of interrogating his son about his feelings, Ree ...

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Parenting Strategies For Supporting Boys' Emotional Needs

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Counterarguments

  • While boys may often express emotions through activities, it's important not to generalize; some boys may prefer direct conversation and should be encouraged to communicate in the way that feels most natural to them.
  • The emphasis on boys expressing emotions during activities might inadvertently discourage them from learning how to articulate their feelings verbally, which is an important skill.
  • The approach of letting boys open up on their terms could potentially lead to missed opportunities for early intervention if a boy is struggling with emotional issues but not ready to open up.
  • The strategy of sharing personal setbacks to create emotional connections might not always be effective, as some boys may not relate to the experiences being shared or may feel burdened by the emotional disclosures of adults.
  • The concept of not treating boys like "malfunctioning women" could reinforce gender stereotypes, suggesting that there is a "correct" way for each gender to express emotion ...

Actionables

  • You can create a "no-pressure" book club with your son where you both read the same book separately and discuss it during a shared activity like hiking or cooking. This approach allows for conversations to emerge organically around the themes of the book, which can lead to deeper discussions about personal feelings and experiences without the direct pressure of a face-to-face conversation about emotions.
  • Start a tradition of "side-by-side" projects, such as building a model, gardening, or assembling a puzzle, which can serve as a conduit for conversation. As you both focus on the task at hand, it can create a relaxed environment where your son might feel more inclined to share thoughts and feelings incidentally, rather than feeling on the spot in a direct dialogue.
  • Introduce a "daily download" routine where ...

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What Boys and Dads Really Need with Richard Reeves

Fathers' Role and Importance in Children's Lives

The importance of the roles fathers play in their children's lives is receiving increasing recognition, especially as they support their children during critical developmental stages such as adolescence, modeling for the community, and contributing uniquely to their well-being.

Fathers Excel In Supporting Sons' Transition To Adulthood

Fathers Add Adventure, Risk, and Independence to Mothers' Nurturing Role

According to Richard Reeves, discussing the work of Anna Machin, fathers are adept at aiding children during early adolescence. This stage includes helping children with getting out of the nest, taking risks, developing relationships, and exploring the world. Fathers provide their children with a sense of adventure, risk, and distance, allowing the child to see themselves as an individual separate from the father. Such paternal qualities are essential for children to develop independence rooted in the security that a reliable support system at home provides.

Daughter's Teen Relationship With Father Predicts Adult Mental Health

A study highlighted by Reeves found that the mental health of women in their 30s is strongly predicted by the quality of their relationship with their father when they were 16. A positive relationship with one's father during teenage years can significantly impact a woman's relationships and life decades later.

Father Involvement Crucial for Children's Well-Being

Fathers' Early Parenting Shouldn't Feel Inferior to Mothers'

Reeves addresses the notion that fathers might feel inferior in their connection with very young children compared to mothers. He discusses that fathers get their highest [restricted term] spike not from cuddling but from activities involving controlled risk, such as throwing their children in the air. Fathers' bonding with children may differ from mothers', but the connection they build is crucial, laying the foundation for future advice and decision-making as the children grow.

Dads Influence Their Kids and Model For the Community

Reeves stresses that every dad matters to every child, and it's important for them to remain involved, irrespective of their relationship status with the mother. Becky Kennedy emphasizes the evolving role of fatherhood and the opportunity for fathers to blend traditional expectations such as resilience with emotional underst ...

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Fathers' Role and Importance in Children's Lives

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While fathers can provide unique contributions to a child's development, it is also true that single mothers or same-sex couples can raise well-adjusted and independent children without a father's presence.
  • The emphasis on fathers providing adventure and risk might reinforce gender stereotypes and overlook the fact that mothers can also encourage these qualities in children.
  • The prediction of adult mental health based on the relationship with one's father at age 16 may not account for other significant factors that can influence mental health, such as genetics, life experiences, and social support systems outside of the father-daughter relationship.
  • The idea that fathers get their highest [restricted term] spike from activities involving controlled risk could be seen as an oversimplification of the complex hormonal and emotional responses involved in parental bonding.
  • The assertion that every dad matters to every child may not consider the nuances of situations where a father's involvement might be detrimental due to issues like abuse, neglect, or toxic behavior.
  • The notion that fathers should model for the community might place undue pressure on fathers to conform to societal expectations, potentially at the expense of their own well-being or the specific needs of the ...

Actionables

  • You can create a "Dad's Adventure Day" once a month where you explore new activities with your children, fostering a sense of adventure and independence. For example, try geocaching, hiking in a new park, or a DIY science project, which can help build problem-solving skills and confidence in your child's abilities.
  • Start a "Father-Daughter Journal" to strengthen communication during the teenage years, which can be a private space for sharing thoughts, concerns, and advice. This practice can help in creating a supportive environment for your daughter to express herself, potentially improving her mental health in the long run.
  • Develop a "Family Wisdom Library" by collecting books, ...

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