Podcasts > Good Inside with Dr. Becky > Men Beyond Utility with Dr. John Delony

Men Beyond Utility with Dr. John Delony

By Dr. Becky

In this episode of Good Inside, Dr. Becky Kennedy and Dr. John Delony explore how fathers can move beyond traditional disciplinary roles to become more emotionally supportive parents. They examine how fathers can validate their children's emotions and create safe spaces for emotional expression, rather than immediately trying to solve problems or offer advice. Through real examples, they demonstrate how empathy and understanding can lead to better cooperation between parent and child.

The discussion also covers the challenges fathers face when their sense of value is tied to having answers or fixing situations. Dr. Delony shares personal experiences about supporting his son's interests and building a support network of fellow fathers. The conversation emphasizes the importance of showing children that seeking help and being vulnerable demonstrates strength, not weakness.

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Men Beyond Utility with Dr. John Delony

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Men Beyond Utility with Dr. John Delony

1-Page Summary

Shifting Fatherhood Mindsets From Discipline To Emotional Support

Becky Kennedy and John Delony discuss the evolution of fatherhood from traditional disciplinary approaches to more emotionally supportive parenting strategies. They emphasize the importance of empathy and understanding over strict discipline.

Impact of Parenting Methods on Discipline and Punishment

Kennedy shares how one father successfully connected with his school-resistant son through empathy and shared experiences, rather than anger or punishment. This approach led to better cooperation and understanding between parent and child.

Comforting Children During Setbacks or Disappointments

Both Kennedy and Delony advocate for validating children's emotions during difficult times. Delony explains that simply acknowledging disappointments with phrases like "that sucks" can be more effective than trying to fix situations or offer unsolicited advice. This approach extends beyond parenting to other relationships, including partnerships.

Modeling Emotional Processing and Coping For Children

Delony describes his personal journey of supporting his son's interest in theater over baseball, despite his own expectations. He emphasizes the importance of validating children's choices and helping them process emotions without immediately trying to fix situations or redirect their interests.

Modeling Vulnerability and Accountability For Children

Delony addresses the challenge many fathers face in feeling their value is tied to having the right answers or fixing problems. He shares his wife's insight that presence matters more than solutions, encouraging fathers to create safe spaces for emotions rather than focusing on problem-solving.

Building a Support Network As a Father

Delony emphasizes the importance of building a trusted circle of fellow fathers and maintaining open communication with partners about parenting challenges. He describes how his college friends serve as accountability partners and how his wife's expertise contributes to their home's emotional environment. Through his own experience with therapy and seeking help, Delony demonstrates to his children that asking for support shows strength rather than weakness.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While emotional support is crucial, some argue that discipline and setting boundaries are also necessary for a child's development and cannot be entirely replaced by empathy and understanding.
  • There is a belief that a balance between discipline and emotional support might be more effective than focusing solely on one approach.
  • Some experts suggest that the role of a father as a disciplinarian is not inherently negative and can be done in a loving and supportive way that also teaches children about consequences and responsibility.
  • It's argued that the idea of presence over solutions might not always be practical, as there are situations where fathers may need to provide guidance and problem-solving for their children's well-being.
  • The concept of validating children's emotions is important, but some believe that it should be coupled with teaching children coping strategies and resilience.
  • The emphasis on building a support network with fellow fathers could be seen as exclusionary to single fathers or those without access to such networks, suggesting that alternative support systems should also be recognized.
  • The idea that seeking help and therapy shows strength might not resonate with all cultural or personal beliefs, and some may view self-reliance as a form of strength.
  • Acknowledging disappointments without offering solutions might not always be beneficial; sometimes children may need advice or assistance to navigate their problems effectively.
  • The focus on fathers may inadvertently underplay the role of mothers or other caregivers in providing emotional support and discipline, suggesting that a more inclusive approach to parenting roles could be considered.

Actionables

  • You can start a "Dad's Emotion Journal" to reflect on your daily interactions with your children, noting moments where you offered support and where you could have been more empathetic. This practice will help you become more aware of your parenting style and identify areas for improvement. For example, if you notice you were dismissive when your child was upset about a lost toy, you could write down alternative responses that acknowledge their feelings.
  • Organize a monthly "Fatherhood Roundtable" with other dads in your community to share experiences and strategies for emotionally supportive parenting. This could be a casual meetup at a local coffee shop or a virtual session. During these gatherings, you can discuss scenarios you've encountered, offer each other advice, and provide support for the challenges of modern fatherhood.
  • Create a "Feelings and Choices" board game to play with your children that encourages emotional expression and decision-making. The game could involve moving pieces around a board with different scenarios where players must express how they would feel and what choices they might make in those situations. This interactive approach allows children to practice emotional processing in a fun, engaging way, and gives you insight into their thought processes.

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Men Beyond Utility with Dr. John Delony

Shifting Fatherhood Mindsets From Discipline To Emotional Support

Becky Kennedy and John Delony advocate for a transformation in fatherhood approaches, emphasizing the shift from rigid discipline to emotional availability and understanding.

Impact of Parenting Methods on Discipline and Punishment

The dialogue revolves around transitioning from strict "tough love" practices to more empathetic and supportive parenting strategies.

From "Tough Love" to Empathetic, Emotionally Supportive Parenting

Kennedy shares a story about a father who, rather than reprimanding his son for delaying getting ready for school, empathized with him by recounting his own reluctance to attend school as a child. This approach of relating and connecting rather than resorting to anger promoted a positive exchange where the child felt comprehended and willingly prepared for school without further postponement.

Comforting Children During Setbacks or Disappointments

Kennedy and Delony discuss the significance of validating children's emotions in times of distress, like not being selected for a sports team.

Validating Children's Feelings Instead Of Fixing or Lecturing

Delony addresses the importance of validating his child's feelings without attempting to immediately resolve their issues or imparting unsolicited advice. He also applies this understanding to interactions with his partner, suggesting that simply acknowledging their disappointments with phrases like “that sucks” can be more supportive than trying to fix the situation.

Kennedy and Delony talk about the importance of being present and supportive for a child upset about not making a soccer team, employing phrases like “that’s the worst,” rather than attempting to offer solutions or criticize their effort.

Modeling Emotional Processing and Coping For Children

Delony discusses the benefits of sitting with a child through a disappointment, which can build emotional resilience. This foundation allows a child to recognize their parent as a source of emo ...

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Shifting Fatherhood Mindsets From Discipline To Emotional Support

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While emotional support is crucial, some argue that a balance between discipline and empathy is necessary for effective parenting.
  • Critics may suggest that without clear boundaries and consequences, children might not develop a strong sense of responsibility or understanding of right and wrong.
  • Some may argue that "tough love" can be beneficial in certain contexts and that resilience can also be built through overcoming challenges, not just through emotional support.
  • There is a viewpoint that immediate problem-solving can sometimes be appropriate and that children should also be taught practical skills to deal with disappointments.
  • Others might contend that validating emotions should not always lead to avoiding corrective feedback, which can be essential for growth and le ...

Actionables

  • You can create a "Feelings Journal" for your child to draw or write about their emotions, which encourages them to express and understand their feelings independently. This journal can be a shared space where you both can write notes back and forth, allowing for a non-confrontational exchange about emotions and experiences. For example, if your child is upset about not making the sports team, they might draw how they feel, and you can respond with supportive messages that acknowledge their disappointment.
  • Start a weekly "Emotion Role-Play" game where you and your child act out different scenarios and practice responding to each other's emotions with empathy and support. This can be a fun and engaging way to teach emotional intelligence and resilience. For instance, you could pretend one of you didn't get invited to a birthday party and then practice responding with phrases like "That must feel really upsetting," to reinforce the importance of acknowledging feelings.
  • Implement a "Family Feelings Hour" where everyone in the family shares something that made them feel strong emotions during ...

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Men Beyond Utility with Dr. John Delony

Modeling Vulnerity and Accountability For Children

John Delony discusses the challenges fathers face in modern parenting, advocating for vulnerability and emotional presence rather than an emphasis on always being right or solving problems.

Overcoming Fathers' Need to Be "Right" or Solve Problems

Acknowledging Mistakes and Using Them As Learning Opportunities

Delony addresses an issue that many men face: feeling their value is tied to their utility, such as having the right answer or fixing problems. However, Delony shares a revelation from his wife: she values his presence over his ability to provide solutions. This realization helped him understand that a father's worth isn't just in the answers or solutions provided, and that being wrong shouldn't be an existential threat. He urges fathers to move away from the urge to solve problems and instead create a safe space for emotions, as demonstrated by his response to his wife's struggles and his son's disappointments.

Delony recognizes that many fathers, including his own, were brought up with a limited "parenting toolkit" focused on being right. He understands the importance of acknowledging and learning from the limitations of past generations to improve modern fatherhood.

Encouraging Children to Bravely Share Struggles and Emotions

John Delony fosters an environment where vulnerability is normalized and not shamed. By discussing his own disappointments openly with his children, he sets an example by not shying away from his truths, even if they aren't flattering. Delony decries the lack of public modeling for admitting errors and reflects upon the harmful message it conveys to both sons and daughters when a father's reaction is to correct or solve rather than to listen and validate.

Prioritizing Self-Awareness and Personal Growth As a Father

Delony emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and personal growth for fathers. He notes that discomfort in men often translates to anger or withdrawal. Moving past these feelings and fostering open communication are essential steps. He aims to create a safe family environment where connection is prized over providing answers, instilling confidence in children to express themselves.

Impact of Unresolved Issues on Parenting: Commitment to Address Them

De ...

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Modeling Vulnerity and Accountability For Children

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While vulnerability and emotional presence are valuable, some argue that fathers also need to maintain a balance with traditional roles of providing structure and guidance.
  • Acknowledging mistakes is important, but it's also crucial for fathers to demonstrate decisiveness and confidence to provide a sense of security for their children.
  • The urge to solve problems can be seen as a positive trait when it leads to teaching children problem-solving skills and resilience.
  • Creating a safe space for emotions is essential, but it should be coupled with teaching children how to manage and cope with their emotions effectively.
  • Learning from past generations is important, but it's also necessary to recognize that some traditional parenting practices have stood the test of time for good reasons.
  • Encouraging children to share struggles and emotions is beneficial, but it's also important to encourage independence and self-reliance.
  • Normalizing vulnerability is valuable, but there should be an understanding that not all situations may be appropriate for vulnerability, and discretion is sometimes necessary.
  • ...

Actionables

  • You can start a "Family Emotions Journal" where each family member, including yourself, writes about their feelings and experiences daily. This practice encourages openness and provides a physical space for everyone to express emotions without judgment. For example, if your child had a tough day at school, they could write about it, and you could respond with supportive comments in the journal, fostering a dialogue around vulnerability.
  • Organize a weekly "No Solutions Hour" where family members discuss challenges they're facing, but the focus is on listening and understanding rather than immediately offering solutions. This could be during a family dinner where everyone gets a chance to share. It's a time when you practice active listening and empathy, reinforcing the idea that it's okay not to have all the answers and that emotional presence is valued over problem-solving.
  • Develop a "Mistake of the Week" t ...

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Men Beyond Utility with Dr. John Delony

Building a Support Network As a Father

In a candid discussion, Delony underscores the significance of cultivating a trusted circle of fellow fathers and communicating openly with a partner about the idiosyncrasies of parenting, thereby teaching children the strength that lies in seeking help.

Seeking a Community of Fathers For Wisdom and Accountability

Delony discusses how his inner circle includes college friends who can read him well enough to recognize when something is off and can offer their perspective. Although not explicitly stated in the transcript, it's inferred that these connections play a key role in his life as a source of wisdom and accountability. Delony mentions the importance of surrounding oneself with "a gang" of older and wiser men who can serve as mentors and support system. This group can help guide and provide wisdom, highlighting the value of mentorship in strengthening fathers in their roles. Becky Kennedy also acknowledges the positive impact of Delony's actions, hinting at a community of supportive fathers that benefits from mutual influence.

Mentors to Identify and Guide Fathers In Need

Delony implies that personal growth is necessary and this might involve seeking advice from seasoned individuals or professionals. He admits to having to see a therapist to work through his issues, which is indicative of the practical steps a father might need to take in seeking mentorship and personal development.

Open Communication With Partner About Parenting Challenges

Delony’s narrative touches on the importance of collaborative parenting, implicitly acknowledging that no parent possesses all the answers. His example of his wife reaching out to a friend on his behalf suggests a degree of communication about his parental challenges. Moreover, Delony credits his wife's education and expertise in contributing to their home’s emotional environment, thus embracing the value of open dialogue and teamwork with his co-parent.

Recognizing Not Having all Answers & Collaborating With Co-parent

The conversation implies that developing a unified strategy for emotional support within a family requires honest partnership between parents. Delony's acknowledgment of the need to move away from his older, solitary methods of problem-so ...

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Building a Support Network As a Father

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While a trusted circle of fellow fathers can be beneficial, it's important to recognize that not all fathers have access to such a network, and some may find support in other ways, such as through professional services or online communities.
  • The idea of seeking older and wiser men as mentors may not always be feasible or desirable for everyone; some fathers may benefit more from peer support or from mentors who are not necessarily older but have relevant experience.
  • Personal growth can sometimes be achieved through self-reflection and independent learning, not solely through advice from seasoned individuals or professionals.
  • Collaborative parenting and open communication are important, but there can be cultural or personal differences that make these practices challenging for some families, and they may need to find alternative ways to manage parenting challenges.
  • The concept of a unified strategy for emotional support may not fit all family dynamics, and some families may thrive with a more individualized approach to emotional well-being.
  • While showing vulnerability is often seen as a strength, some individuals or cultures may view vulnerability differently, and it's important to ...

Actionables

  • You can create a "Dad's Wisdom Journal" where you jot down insights and advice from conversations with other fathers and mentors. This journal serves as a personal repository of wisdom that you can refer to in times of need. For example, after a chat with a more experienced dad at a school event, write down any parenting tips or life lessons he shared, and how you might apply them to your own family life.
  • Start a monthly "Parenting Book Club" with your partner and other interested parents to discuss different parenting philosophies and strategies. This encourages collaborative learning and can lead to a unified approach to emotional support within your family. For instance, each month, pick a book focused on parenting or emotional intelligence, read it individually or with your partner, and then meet to discuss the key takeaways and how they can be integrated into your parenting style.
  • Initiate a "Family Feelings Time" once a week where each ...

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