The Myth of the Mini-Me (Andrew Solomon)
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Dr. Kennedy and author Andrew Solomon explore the common disconnect between parents' expectations and their children's individual identities. They examine how parents often project their own desires onto their children and discuss the challenges that arise when children develop interests and identities different from their parents'.
Through personal experiences and professional insights, Dr. Kennedy and Solomon present frameworks for understanding inherited versus peer-acquired identities, and discuss strategies for supporting children's authentic development. They offer practical perspectives on maintaining core parental values while allowing children to explore their own paths, using the metaphor of parents as "docks" and children as "boats" to illustrate the importance of providing stable emotional support during this journey.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the May 20, 2025 episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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1-Page Summary
Disconnect Between Parents' Fantasies and Children's Unique Identities
Becky Kennedy and Andrew Solomon explore how parents' expectations often clash with their children's individual identities. Kennedy explains that parents frequently harbor unconscious fantasies about their children's potential, often projecting their own desires and offering what they themselves lacked in childhood. Solomon shares his personal experience of realizing his children might not share his interests, using his own journey as a gay individual to illustrate how children's identities can differ dramatically from parental expectations.
Accepting and Embracing Children's Differences
Kennedy discusses the challenge parents face when they realize their child is essentially a "stranger" with unique values and interests. Solomon reflects on this through his experience with his parents struggling to accept his identity as a gay man. Both experts emphasize that children thrive when allowed to forge their own paths, particularly when parents remain curious about their interests. Solomon demonstrates this by sharing how his son's passion for English football sparked his own interest in the sport.
Balancing Parental Values and Children's Freedom
While parents should support their children's authentic selves, Kennedy explains that effective parenting involves balancing core values with allowing children to explore their identities. Solomon emphasizes the importance of discerning diverse paths to success while maintaining specific actions for children's welfare. Both experts suggest that parents can bridge perspectives with their children by showing genuine interest in their pursuits, whether it's Minecraft or marine biology.
Understanding Vertical and Horizontal Identities
Solomon introduces the concept of "vertical identities" (inherited traits like ethnicity and religion) and "horizontal identities" (peer-acquired traits different from parents). Kennedy emphasizes that parents can support their children's horizontal identities through genuine curiosity and acceptance, even when these identities differ from their own experiences.
Parents as the "Dock" for Children
Solomon presents the metaphor of parents as "docks" and children as "boats," emphasizing the need for a stable emotional foundation. Kennedy builds on this, explaining that even when children push boundaries or express negative emotions, they need their parental "dock" to remain supportive and welcoming, allowing them to explore while having a reliable point of return.
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Counterarguments
- While curiosity and acceptance are important, there may be instances where a child's interests or behaviors are harmful or unhealthy, and parents may need to intervene rather than simply support and accept.
- The balance between core values and children's freedom can be complex, and some argue that certain core values should not be compromised, even in the face of a child's desire to explore their identity.
- The concept of horizontal identities might oversimplify the intricate ways in which children's identities are formed, influenced by a combination of family, culture, peers, and individual experiences.
- The metaphor of parents as "docks" could be seen as implying a static role for parents, whereas in reality, the parent-child relationship is dynamic and both parties often grow and adapt together.
- There is a risk that emphasizing the child's freedom and unique path could lead to a lack of structure or guidance, which some argue is also crucial for a child's development and well-being.
Actionables
- Create a 'curiosity journal' to explore your child's interests without bias. Start by dedicating a notebook where you jot down observations about your child's activities, questions they ask, and topics they seem passionate about. This isn't about guiding them but about understanding them. For example, if your child shows an interest in dinosaurs, instead of steering them towards more 'practical' interests, note down what specifically fascinates them about dinosaurs and look for ways to support that curiosity, such as visiting a natural history museum or finding age-appropriate documentaries on paleontology.
- Develop a 'values and exploration' family night once a month where everyone shares something new they've learned or a new interest they're pursuing. This practice encourages open communication and mutual respect for individual growth paths within the family's core values framework. For instance, if one of your core values is environmental responsibility, a child might share their new interest in upcycling materials, leading to a family project where everyone creates something from recycled goods.
- Initiate an 'emotional safety exercise' where you and your child regularly check in with each other's feelings without judgment. Set aside a quiet time each week to discuss emotions openly, using prompts like "What made you feel happy this week?" or "Was there a moment you felt misunderstood?" This builds a foundation of trust and acceptance, showing your child that their emotional experiences are valid and important, regardless of whether they align with your expectations or not. For example, if your child felt angry because they lost a game, discuss the emotion of anger and healthy ways to express it, rather than focusing on the importance of winning or losing.
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Disconnect Between Parents' Fantasies and Children's Unique Identities
Becky Kennedy and Andrew Solomon explore the complex dynamics between parents' expectations and their children's individual identities, discussing the importance of recognizing and adjusting to each child's uniqueness.
Parental Unconscious Fantasies About Children's Potential Based On Personal Desires
Kennedy delves into the topic of the unconscious fantasies parents harbor regarding their children's potential, which are often projections of their desires to see parts of themselves live on. She notes that parents tend to offer their children what they themselves lacked in childhood. Yet, this generosity can be rooted in an unconscious image or expectation, such as the dream of coaching their children's sports teams or expecting them to exhibit the same self-driven motivation they had, regardless of whether this aligns with the child’s own desires and personality.
Children's Distinct Interests Surprise Parents
Solomon shares his own experiences with the surprise and adjustment process when he realized his children might not share his interests. He contemplates if this disinterest is a genuine expression of their unique identities or simply a different trajectory in life. Solomon, using his personal journey as a gay individual in contrast to his parents’ expectations, illustrates that children can have distinct identities that profoundly differ from their parents' fantasies or desires for them.
Parenting Involves Adjusting To Each Child's Uniqueness
Kennedy touches on the feeling of surprise or loss parents might encounter upon realizing their child does not share their interests or characteristics. A parent might experience d ...
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Disconnect Between Parents' Fantasies and Children's Unique Identities
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Counterarguments
- While parents may have unconscious desires for their children, it's also possible for parents to be aware of these biases and actively work to avoid projecting them onto their children.
- Some parents may not necessarily offer their children what they lacked, but rather strive to provide a balanced upbringing that incorporates a variety of experiences, regardless of their own childhood deficiencies.
- It's not always the case that parents expect their children to mirror their interests; many parents consciously encourage their children to explore their own passions and support them in developing independent interests.
- The surprise parents feel when children have unique interests may not always be due to the parents' projections but could also stem from a natural curiosity about the unfolding of their child's personality.
- While children may have identities that differ from their parents' expectations, this does not always lead to conflict or disappointment; in many cases, it can enrich the family dynamic and lead to mutual growth and understanding.
- The concept of adjusting to each child's uniqueness is not universally applicable; some parenting philosophies advocate for a more structured approach that emphasizes shared family values and goals over individual differences.
- The feeling of surprise or disappointment in parents when a child does not share their int ...
Actionables
- You can create a 'My Child's World' scrapbook with your child to explore their interests. Start by providing a variety of magazines, stickers, and art supplies, and encourage your child to fill pages with images, words, and drawings that resonate with them. This activity allows you to observe and discuss what captures your child's attention without imposing your own preferences.
- Set up a monthly 'Discovery Day' where you and your child take turns choosing a new activity to try together. This could range from a cooking class to a coding workshop, or even a nature hike. The key is to alternate who picks the activity, ensuring that both you and your child get to step into each other's worlds, fostering mutual respect for each other's likes and differences.
- Implement a 'Dream Ja ...
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Accepting and Embracing Children's Differences From Parents
Kennedy and Solomon discuss the complexities and emotional challenges that parents encounter as they learn to accept and embrace their children’s unique identities, which often differ from their own expectations.
Parents May Struggle to Release Their Visions For Their Children's Lives
Kennedy speaks about the difficulty parents face when they realize their child is essentially a "stranger" with values, interests, and identities that may clash with the parents' preconceived notions or desires. This realization can lead to surprise and frustration for the parent.
Parental Expectations: Frustration, Disappointment, and Loss
Parents often hold unconscious fantasies about who their child will become, and when reality diverges from these fantasies, it may lead to moments of discomfort or regret. Solomon delves into the challenges of differentiating between his children's traits that are genuinely different from his own and those that are similar, acknowledging the complexity in navigating the shared and unique characteristics.
Additionally, Solomon reflects on his own parents' difficulty in accepting that he could find happiness as a gay man. This underscores the broader point that parents can find it hard to let go of their envisioned futures for their children and may need time to adjust to the actual paths their children choose to take.
Supporting Development By Embracing Children's Differences
Children who are allowed to forge their own paths often grow in confidence, particularly when their parents remain open and curious about their interests, even if those interests are unfamiliar or initially unappealing to them.
Children Forging Their Own Paths Boost Confidence, if Parents Remain Open and Curious
Solomon emphasizes the importance of reinforcing children's confidence through open expressions of love and acceptance. He underscores that making a child feel loved might require ...
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Accepting and Embracing Children's Differences From Parents
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Counterarguments
- While embracing children's differences is important, it's also necessary for parents to guide and set boundaries based on their experience and wisdom.
- The idea that children are "strangers" might be overstated; despite differences, there are often fundamental familial bonds and shared values.
- Parents' visions for their children's lives can sometimes be based on practical considerations for their future well-being, not just fantasies.
- It's possible that some parental expectations are beneficial in motivating children to achieve and should not be dismissed entirely.
- The process of accepting a child's unique identity may not always involve frustration or disappointment; some parents may find it a natural and joyful part of parenting.
- Reinforcing confidence through love and acceptance is important, but it should be balanced with teaching resilience and the ability to cope with rejection or failure.
- Parents taking an interest in their children's passions is positive, but it's ...
Actionables
- Create a 'Parent-Child Dream Board' where you and your child can post images and words that represent your child's aspirations and interests. This visual tool can help you see your child's world through their eyes and can be updated regularly to reflect their evolving passions.
- Start a monthly 'Explore Together' day where you and your child take turns choosing an activity or topic to learn about, regardless of your initial interest in it. This shared experience can be a stepping stone to appreciating your child's unique interests and can help you find common ground in unexpected places.
- Develop a 'Celebration Jar' where you write down ...
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Balancing Parental Values and Accepting Children's Paths
Andrew Solomon and Becky Kennedy both emphasize the importance of parents supporting their children's authentic selves without imposing personal fantasies and expectations.
Parents Should Support Children's Authentic Selves, Not Project Their Own Fantasies
Solomon explains that while prospective parents might be enticed by the notion of mini-me reproductions, it's essential to understand that children have their own distinct personalities. He advises parents to support the authentic selves of their children instead of projecting their own fantasies and aspirations onto them. Reflecting on unconscious expectations and recognizing when disappointment stems from these fantasies helps prevent such projections onto the child.
Embracing Children's Passions and Interests
Kennedy discusses the significance of letting children explore their own interests, even if these diverge from the family's traditions or the parent's values. Solomon notes the need to discern diverse paths to success and assert specific actions for the children's welfare while balancing support for their authentic selves. He also faces the dilemma of whether to persuade his children to share his passions or to accept their individual paths to happiness.
Effective Parenting Balances Values With Children's Freedom to Explore Identities
Effective parenting, Kennedy explains, involves recognizing and respecting the child's unique passions and interests, which may differ significantly from the parent's. It also means becoming more versatile as parents by learning from their children's divergent interests.
Parents Bridge Perspectives With Childre ...
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Balancing Parental Values and Accepting Children's Paths
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Counterarguments
- While supporting a child's authentic self is important, parents also have a responsibility to instill certain core values and ethics that may sometimes require guiding children away from certain interests or behaviors.
- Children's distinct personalities are shaped not only by innate traits but also by their environment, including parental influence, which can be both positive and negative.
- Discerning diverse paths to success can be challenging when societal or economic pressures favor certain careers or lifestyles over others, which may lead parents to steer children toward more "practical" paths.
- Embracing children's passions and interests should be balanced with teaching them about commitment and perseverance, as constantly shifting interests may prevent children from developing depth in any area.
- Parents balancing their values with children's freedom to explore can sometimes lead to conflicts, especially when children's interests clash with deeply held family or cultural values.
- Recognizing and respecting a child's unique passions and interests may sometimes be at odds with preparing them for the realities of the world, where compromise and adaptability are often necessary.
- Learning from children's divergent interests is valuable, but parents also have the role of imparting wisdom and life experience that children may not yet appreciate or understand.
- Demonstrating genuine interest in a child's interests is important, but it should not come at the expense of neglecting other aspects of parenting, such as setting boundaries and ensuring safety.
- A ...
Actionables
- Create a 'Passion Project' day where you dedicate time each week to engage in an activity your child is passionate about, even if it's new to you. This could be anything from building a model airplane if they love aviation, to attending a local theater production if they're interested in drama. The key is to participate actively, showing your support and interest in their passion.
- Start a family 'Skill Swap' where each member teaches the others something they're good at or interested in. For example, if your child enjoys cooking, they could lead a family cooking night. Conversely, you might share your gardening skills with them. This exchange not only validates their interests but also encourages a culture of mutual respect and learning.
- Develop a 'Future Me' scrapbook with your child, where they can visualize different paths to success. Include sections for car ...
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"Vertical" vs. "Horizontal" Identities: Supporting Children's Self-Concept
Andrew Solomon and Becky Kennedy delve into the distinctive mechanisms of self-concept in children, highlighting how parents can support their offspring through the challenges of developing 'vertical' and 'horizontal' identities.
"Vertical" Identities Are Inherited, Like Ethnicity, Religion, or Traditions
Solomon explains that vertical identities are those traits and characteristics inherited from one’s parents, such as ethnicity, religion, and family traditions. He notes that these types of identities are generally passed down from generation to generation.
Children and Vertical Identities: Embrace or Reject
A parent's legacy and traditions can either be embraced or rejected by children. Solomon suggests that while parents often pass on vertical identities, children sometimes choose to adopt or shun these traits, highlighting an innate complexity in the navigation of self-identity within familial contexts.
Horizontal Identities Are Peer-Acquired, Differing From Parental Identities
Horizontal identities are those aspects of identity that children acquire independently, often from their peer groups, which differ from their parents' identities.
Parents Can Support Children's Horizontal Identities With Genuine Interest, Curiosity, and Acceptance
Solomon emphasizes the importance of parents making an effort to understand and negotiate these identities. He believes that helping children feel comfortable with their identity in the world is essential. Kennedy echoes this sentiment by talking about everyday situations where a difference between a parent’s own behavior or identity and that of their child may cause discomfort. She notes that these moments, influenced by parents' personal experiences and upbringing, should be approached with acceptance and understanding.
She implies that embracing these differences by showing curiosity and refraining from projec ...
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"Vertical" vs. "Horizontal" Identities: Supporting Children's Self-Concept
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Counterarguments
- Vertical identities may not always be as fixed as suggested; individuals can reinterpret or redefine aspects of their ethnicity, religion, or family traditions in ways that differ from previous generations.
- The dichotomy between vertical and horizontal identities might be oversimplified, as identities are often more fluid and can intersect in complex ways.
- The concept of children rejecting vertical identities could be nuanced by considering that sometimes what appears as rejection may be a form of adaptation or integration into a broader cultural context.
- Peer influence on horizontal identities is not always positive and can sometimes lead to negative behaviors or peer pressure, which parents may need to help their children navigate.
- Parents showing interest and acceptance in horizontal identities is important, but it is also crucial for them to provide guidance and set boundaries to ensure their children's well-being.
- The emphasis on negotiation of identities might overlook the need for parents to sometimes take a more directive role in certain aspects of their c ...
Actionables
- Create a 'Family Identity Journal' where you and your children can document and explore both vertical and horizontal identities. This journal can serve as a safe space for your children to express their thoughts on their inherited traits and peer-acquired identities. Encourage them to write about experiences that shape their understanding of themselves, and use this as a basis for open discussions about identity.
- Develop a 'Cultural Exchange Dinner' routine in your household, where once a month, you and your children prepare a meal that celebrates a different culture. This activity not only honors vertical identities but also introduces and respects the diverse horizontal identities that your children might be exposed to through their peers. It's a hands-on way to show acceptance and curiosity about the wider world.
- Initiate a 'Role-Reverse Day' with your children, where you ...
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Parents as "Dock" for Children's Exploration and Development
The metaphor of parents being the "dock" to their children, who are like boats exploring the world, underscores the importance of providing a dependable base for children's growth.
Children Need a Stable, Supportive "Dock" to Safely Explore
A Consistent Anchor Point for Growing Children's Independence
According to Solomon's metaphor, "parents are the docks and children are the boats that come and go from them." This imagery conveys the need for children to have a stable emotional foundation from which they can confidently venture into the sea of the world. Becky Kennedy extends this metaphor, emphasizing that a secure and nurturing home base allows children to explore while having a reliable point of return.
Parents Should Allow Children's Exploration For Development
Kennedy explains that by accepting their children's differing interests, parents can provide the emotional stability needed for children to securely express themselves and forge their own identities. Even if a child dislikes an activity the family enjoys, like skiing, it is important to recognize and respect these differences. This approach contributes to their sense of self and autonomy.
Maintaining the Dock As a Welcoming Space Supports Children's Growth and Self-Discovery
Kennedy suggests that rather than worrying about doing something wrong as parents, it is more constructive to focus on upholding the child's interests. For instance, parents might support a child's decision to participate in a play instead of baseball, based on the child's own inclinations. This action reinforces the idea of the dock as a welcoming retreat that bolsters the child's g ...
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Parents as "Dock" for Children's Exploration and Development
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Clarifications
- The metaphor of parents as a "dock" for children implies that parents serve as a stable and secure base from which children can explore the world. Just like boats need a reliable dock to return to after their adventures, children need a nurturing and supportive home environment to feel safe and confident as they navigate life's challenges. This metaphor emphasizes the importance of parents providing a consistent emotional foundation for their children's growth and development. It symbolizes the idea that parents should be a dependable anchor point that children can rely on as they venture out into the world and then return to for comfort and support.
- Andrew Solomon, a writer and lecturer, often shares personal stories and insights about family dynamics and parenting. In this context, his experiences and reflections likely pertain to his own journey as a parent and the lessons he has learned from his relationship with his children. Solomon's reflections may offer a firsthand perspective on the importance of being a stable and supportive figure for children as they navigate life's challenges and opportunities. His anecdotes could provide practical examples of how parents can serve as emotional anchors for their children's growth and self-discovery.
- The concept of the "dock" as a supportive and welcoming space in the context of parenting metaphorically represents the role of parents in providing a secure and nurturing environment for their children. Just like a dock offers stability and safety for boats, parents serve as a reliable foundation for their children to explore the world confidently. This metaphor emphasizes the importance of parents being understanding, accepting, and encouraging towards their children's individuality and growth. By maintaining a welcoming and supportive atmosphere, parents create a space where ...
Actionables
- Create a 'dock diary' where you jot down observations of your child's interests and your responses to them. This can help you become more aware of how you support their explorations. For example, if your child shows an interest in dinosaurs, note down how you engaged with that interest—did you read books together, visit a museum, or simply listen and ask questions about their favorite dinosaur?
- Set up a monthly 'discovery day' with your child, dedicating time to explore a new activity or place together. This could be anything from a cooking class to a hike in a new park. The key is to let your child lead the choice of activity, showing your support for their curiosity and autonomy.
- Develop a 'fare ...
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1-Page Summary- Disconnect Between Parents' Fantasies and Children's Unique Identities
- Accepting and Embracing Children's Differences From Parents
- Balancing Parental Values and Accepting Children's Paths
- "Vertical" vs. "Horizontal" Identities: Supporting Children's Self-Concept
- Parents as "Dock" for Children's Exploration and Development
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