Podcasts > Good Inside with Dr. Becky > More Than Someone’s Mom with Ashley Audrain

More Than Someone’s Mom with Ashley Audrain

By Dr. Becky

In this episode of Good Inside, Dr. Becky Kennedy and author Ashley Audrain examine how societal pressures and expectations affect mothers. They discuss how women are conditioned to view motherhood as inevitable rather than a choice, and explore the ways mothers often sacrifice their own needs and identity to meet idealized standards of maternal perfection.

Through personal experiences, including Audrain's journey with her son's illness, the conversation delves into the internal conflicts mothers face when their emotions don't match society's expectations of constant maternal joy. The discussion covers how childhood experiences shape women's relationship with motherhood, challenges the concept of "maternal instinct," and considers ways mothers can maintain their identity beyond parenting while remaining present for their families.

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More Than Someone’s Mom with Ashley Audrain

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More Than Someone’s Mom with Ashley Audrain

1-Page Summary

Societal Expectations and Pressures Placed On Mothers

Audrain and Kennedy explore how society places intense pressure on mothers to meet rigid standards of perfection. Audrain points out that womanhood is often seen as synonymous with motherhood, with girls being conditioned from a young age to view motherhood as inevitable rather than a choice. Kennedy highlights how these expectations manifest in everyday situations, such as school events where mothers feel pressured to prove their worth through perfect contributions, despite exhaustion or disinterest.

Internal Struggles and Conflicting Emotions Mothers Experience

The discussion reveals how motherhood's reality often conflicts with its idealized version. Audrain shares her personal experience, particularly when her son's serious illness required an organ transplant, highlighting how unexpected challenges can amplify feelings of inadequacy. Kennedy notes that mothers often feel guilty for emotions that don't align with society's expectation of constant maternal joy, leading to feelings of isolation and self-doubt.

Mothers Prioritizing Their Needs and Identity

Kennedy addresses how mothers frequently sacrifice their own needs for their family, leading to burnout and resentment. Through an Instagram poll, she reveals that most women prioritize others' needs before their own. Audrain describes how she maintained her identity beyond motherhood by carving out time to write, emphasizing that pursuing personal interests actually enhanced her presence in family life.

How a Mother's Background Shapes Her Motherhood Journey

The conversation explores how childhood experiences and societal conditioning influence women's relationships with motherhood. Audrain discusses how the lack of role models who chose paths other than motherhood affected her own expectations. She notes that unexpected challenges, like her son's chronic illness, can dramatically reshape a mother's perspective. Kennedy challenges the notion that "maternal instinct" alone should be sufficient for effective parenting, suggesting that this belief often makes mothers feel inadequate when they struggle.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While society may place pressure on mothers, it is also increasingly recognizing the diverse roles women can play, and there is a growing acceptance of different parenting styles and choices.
  • Not all women are conditioned to see motherhood as inevitable; there is a growing trend of women choosing to remain childfree or delaying motherhood for personal or professional reasons.
  • Some mothers may feel empowered and fulfilled by their contributions in everyday situations, finding joy and a sense of accomplishment rather than feeling pressured to prove their worth.
  • The idealized version of motherhood is not universally held; many communities and cultures have more realistic and varied expectations of what motherhood entails.
  • Some mothers may find that unexpected challenges strengthen their resilience and deepen their sense of competence, rather than solely amplifying feelings of inadequacy.
  • There is a growing discourse around the complexity of maternal emotions, and many mothers find solidarity and support in sharing the full range of their experiences, not just those aligned with joy.
  • Self-care and setting boundaries are becoming more recognized as essential for mothers, and there is a cultural shift towards encouraging mothers to prioritize their own needs.
  • There are mothers who successfully balance their own needs with those of their families, and some may not experience the prioritization of others' needs as a negative aspect of motherhood.
  • Many mothers find that their identity is enriched by motherhood, and they do not necessarily feel the need to pursue interests outside of family life to maintain their sense of self.
  • There are various role models in media and society who demonstrate that women have a choice in whether or not to pursue motherhood, and these role models are becoming more visible.
  • Some mothers may find that facing a child's chronic illness or other challenges brings them closer to their child and community, providing a different but positive reshaping of their perspective.
  • The concept of "maternal instinct" is being challenged, and there is a growing understanding that parenting skills can be learned and developed, rather than being innate or instinctual.

Actionables

  • You can create a "Motherhood Mythbusters" journal where you document and challenge societal expectations. Each day, write down one expectation you've encountered and critically assess its validity. For example, if you feel guilty for not enjoying every moment with your child, write it down and then counter it with a personal truth, such as acknowledging that parenting is complex and full of ups and downs.
  • Start a small, informal support group with friends or neighbors focusing on sharing the unfiltered realities of motherhood. Use this space to discuss the pressures you face and share strategies for maintaining your individual identity. For instance, if you've always wanted to learn painting, share your progress and experiences with the group, encouraging others to pursue their interests as well.
  • Develop a personal "self-care roadmap" that includes daily, weekly, and monthly activities that focus solely on your well-being. This could be as simple as setting aside time for a cup of tea each morning, scheduling a weekly walk in nature, or planning a monthly day out to explore a new hobby or interest. The key is to ensure these activities are for you and about you, not your role as a mother or caregiver.

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More Than Someone’s Mom with Ashley Audrain

Societal Expectations and Pressures Placed On Mothers

Audrain and Kennedy dig into the complex terrain of motherhood, dissecting the expectations and pressures put upon mothers in today's society.

Motherhood Equated With Womanhood, Narrowing "Good" Woman Definition

Audrain discusses the deep-seated notion that womanhood is synonymous with motherhood. She points out how the lack of examples of women choosing not to be mothers impacts society’s equation of womanhood with motherhood. This has led to a feeling that motherhood is an achievement that a woman must attain or prove.

Women Are Conditioned From Young Age to View Motherhood As an Expectation, Not a Choice

The idea that women are inherently destined for motherhood is conditioned from a young age. Through implicit messages such as "when you're a mom, you'll see" or "you're going to be such a good mom," girls are taught to expect and internalize motherhood as a fundamental part of their future identity. Audrain notes that these societal assumptions plant the idea from an early age that motherhood is an inevitable part of womanhood.

Rigid Standards of "Good Mother" Allow No Nuance or Imperfection

There’s an immense pressure on mothers to meet stringent ideals of what it means to be a "good mother." Kennedy highlights the pressures at events such as a child’s class party, where there’s an implicit expectation that the mother who brings homemade, perfectly iced cupcakes is considered better than the one who opts for simpler tasks, like bringing paper towels or store-bought cookies.

Mothers Pressured to Prove Worth Through Perfection, Despite Exhaust ...

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Societal Expectations and Pressures Placed On Mothers

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Counterarguments

  • While societal expectations exist, not all societies or communities equate womanhood with motherhood, and many cultures celebrate women for a variety of roles and achievements beyond motherhood.
  • Some argue that the conditioning of women to expect motherhood is not universally negative, as it can also be seen as preparing them for a potential role that many find fulfilling.
  • The concept of a "good mother" can be subjective and culturally specific; different societies and individuals have varied standards and beliefs about what constitutes good parenting.
  • The pressure to be a perfect mother may be perceived differently by different individuals; some mothers may find satisfaction in striving for high standards, while others may not feel the same level of pressure.
  • The term "good mother" can be empowering for some women who take pride in their identity as mothers and the ...

Actionables

  • Start a personal journal to reflect on your own beliefs about motherhood and womanhood. Use this space to question and redefine what these roles mean to you, free from societal expectations. For example, if you've always thought that being a good mother means being available 24/7, challenge that belief by considering the value of personal time and self-care.
  • Create a support group with friends or community members where you can share experiences and redefine motherhood together. This could be a monthly meet-up or an online forum where you discuss the pressures you face and explore ways to support each other in breaking free from these constraints.
  • Volunteer to m ...

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More Than Someone’s Mom with Ashley Audrain

Internal Struggles and Conflicting Emotions Mothers Experience

Motherhood is often presented as an idyllic journey of love and fulfillment, but Ashley Audrain and Becky Kennedy highlight the complex reality that can lead to feelings of isolation, guilt, and inadequacy.

Discrepancy Between Idealized Motherhood and Complex Reality Can Be Isolating and Disappointing

Ashley Audrain entered motherhood with significant trepidation, unsure of her feelings toward it. Her experience became particularly challenging when her son fell seriously ill, requiring an organ transplant. This sudden and severe illness clashed with her expectations of motherhood, leaving her managing a whirlwind of emotions that did not align with societal ideals.

Mothers Often Feel Guilty for Emotions That Don't Align With Societal Expectations

These unexpected situations can amplify a mother's sense of disappointment, which Audrain points out is a sentiment not traditionally associated with good motherhood. The pressure of living up to an almost mythic standard of constant joy and fulfillment in motherhood can create guilt and a feeling of being the "worst mother," as was the case with Audrain's sister who faced guilt over wanting to enjoy a moment for herself instead of engaging with her child.

Motherhood With Unexpected Challenges: Amplifying Feelings of Loss, Fear, and Inadequacy

Audrain's novel's protagonist, Blithe, navigates doubts about her child's behavior and suffers from a lack of validation for her feelings—a struggle she has carried from her own childhood. These experiences resonate with other mothers who find themselves doubting their maternal instincts and internalizing a sense of failure.

Mothers May Feel Betrayed by Their Instincts and Body, Amplifying Their Failure When Motherhood Unfolds ...

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Internal Struggles and Conflicting Emotions Mothers Experience

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Counterarguments

  • While the text highlights the challenges of motherhood, it's important to recognize that experiences vary widely, and some mothers may indeed find motherhood closely aligns with the idyllic portrayal.
  • The notion of societal expectations can differ greatly across cultures, communities, and individuals, suggesting that the pressure to conform to a specific model of motherhood is not universal.
  • The emphasis on negative emotions may overlook the resilience and coping strategies that many mothers develop, which can lead to empowerment and personal growth.
  • The idea that mothers feel guilty for taking time for self-care might not account for the growing cultural shift towards recognizing the importance of mental health and self-care for parents.
  • The portrayal of motherhood as potentially disappointing or isolating does not necessarily encompass the support networks and resources available to many mothers, which can mitigate these feelings.
  • The concept of maternal instincts being a source of betrayal could be challenged by the understanding that instincts are just one aspect of parenting, with learned skills and knowledge also playing a crucial role.
  • The narrative could be balanced with stories of mothers who have faced similar challenges but have found fulfillment and joy in their roles, providing a more nuanced view of motherhood.
  • Th ...

Actionables

  • Start a journal to explore and validate your feelings about motherhood, writing down both the challenges and the joys without judgment. This can help you acknowledge the complex emotions you experience, making you feel less isolated and more connected to your authentic self. For example, you might write about a difficult day but also note a small moment of connection with your child, balancing the narrative.
  • Create a "self-care swap" with other mothers, where you take turns watching each other's children to provide each other with regular, guilt-free time for self-care. This can foster a supportive community and help dismantle the notion that self-care is selfish. For instance, you could watch a friend's child for two hours on Wednesday, and she could do the same for you on Friday, ensuring both of you get some personal time.
  • Develop a personal mantra or affirmation that counters feelings ...

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More Than Someone’s Mom with Ashley Audrain

Mothers Prioritizing Their Needs and Identity

Kennedy and Audrain convey how mothers are often pressured to sacrifice their own needs for their family, leading to burnout.

Mothers Sacrifice Desires and Self-Care For Family, Leading To Burnout and Resentment

Kennedy addresses the burdens mothers face, implying that mothers often sacrifice their excitement for others' needs, leading to actions like "rage cleaning" instead of self-care. The guilt and societal expectations imposed on mothers often cause them to neglect self-care. Kennedy highlights the importance of balancing personal needs with the needs of others. However, societal expectations push mothers toward extremes like attending every field trip or feeling guilty for prioritizing their needs.

The Instagram poll revealed that most women put others' needs before their own, often due to a sense of duty, which increases the risk of burnout. Kennedy speaks about the regrets and reactions mothers experience when their unmet needs lead to significant outbursts over minor issues.

She draws parallels between parenthood and leadership, suggesting that parents need to maintain a connection with themselves and not allow their parenting role to consume them completely. Kennedy argues that parents, like leaders, should be intentional in not letting their roles overwhelm them. Setting boundaries and fostering self-awareness are important in recognizing and addressing their needs over time.

Reclaiming Passions and Identity Beyond Motherhood: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Empowerment

Kennedy criticizes the expectation that mothers rely solely on "maternal instinct," which can create feelings of failure. Societal pressures often obligate women to be accommodating, sometimes leading to self-abandonment. Ashley Audrain comments on giving oneself permission to depart from the perfect maternal ideal, suggesting that integrating one's own needs and identity is a vital part of the maternal experience.

Audrain details how she carved out time to write, which was crucial for her sense of freedom and self-identification beyond just being a mother. She emphasizes the significance of this personal time, which allowed her to pursue her identity beyond ...

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Mothers Prioritizing Their Needs and Identity

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Counterarguments

  • While prioritizing self-care is important, it's also necessary to recognize that parenting often involves sacrifice, and finding a perfect balance may not always be possible.
  • The concept of "maternal instinct" can be seen as a natural aspect of motherhood for some, and not necessarily a societal pressure or a cause for feelings of failure.
  • The idea that mothers should not let their parenting role consume them might overlook the fact that some mothers find deep fulfillment and identity within their role as parents.
  • Setting boundaries is important, but the ability to do so can be limited by individual circumstances, such as single parenthood, economic constraints, or lack of support systems.
  • The emphasis on personal hobbies and interests might not acknowledge the reality that some mothers might not have the time, resources, or energy to pursue such activities.
  • The suggestion that engaging in personal interests leads to better presence in family life could be seen as oversimplifying the complex dynamics of family relationships and individual well-being.
  • The notion that societal pressures lead to self-abandonment may not account for the agency and choice many wo ...

Actionables

  • Create a "Me-Time" menu by listing simple, quick self-care activities on your fridge or family bulletin board, ensuring you have a go-to selection of self-care options that can fit into your daily routine. For example, a five-minute meditation, a single chapter of a book, or a quick walk around the block can be menu items, making it easier to incorporate these activities into your day without feeling overwhelmed by time commitments.
  • Develop a hobby swap system with friends or family members where you take turns watching each other's children, allowing each person to have dedicated time for their interests. This could be as simple as a two-hour slot once a week where you engage in your hobby while someone else takes care of the kids, creating a support network that values personal growth and family balanc ...

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More Than Someone’s Mom with Ashley Audrain

How a Mother's Background Shapes Her Motherhood Journey

The discourse explores how early life experiences and societal conditioning greatly influence a woman's expectations of motherhood and her relationship to the maternal role.

Childhood Experiences and Societal Conditioning Influence a Mother's Expectations and Relationship With Motherhood

Mothers Lacking Role Models May Struggle To Trust Instincts and Advocate For Themselves

In childhood, individual interests and behaviors may hint at a natural inclination toward motherhood, while parents’ conscious language around the topic can help avoid imposing a predetermined maternal role. There's an understanding that the way in which girls are addressed regarding their potential interest in motherhood can perpetuate traditional assumptions about womanhood and the maternal role. The importance of being mindful of this in parenting is underscored.

Audrain speaks about the scarcity of role models who chose paths other than motherhood in her life. Such a lack influenced her expectations of, and relationship with, motherhood, suggesting that women's experiences with motherhood are shaped by their own mothers and the female figures in their lives. For those who find their personal experiences diverging from societal expectations, it may lead to self-doubt and difficulty in trusting their instincts or advocating for themselves. Conversely, by challenging these assumptions, the speaker hopes to provide her daughter with a role model that supports a range of possibilities for self-trust. Blithe's childhood, lacking in validation of her feelings, has led to adult struggles with self-doubt in motherhood and a reliance on external validation.

Unexpected Challenges Like Medical Crises or Chronic Illness Can Deeply Reshape a Mother's Perspective and Role

Audrain shares that her son's serious chronic illness and the battle for an organ transplant altered her view and experience of motherhood dramatically. She began writing her novel about six months into this taxi ...

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How a Mother's Background Shapes Her Motherhood Journey

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While childhood experiences and societal conditioning are influential, it's also important to acknowledge that individuals have the capacity for personal growth and change that can transcend their early influences.
  • Some individuals may find strength and develop unique parenting styles precisely because they lacked traditional role models, rather than struggling with self-trust and advocacy.
  • The concept of maternal instinct can be seen as a social construct rather than an innate quality, and parenting skills can be learned and improved upon over time through education and support.
  • The emphasis on maternal instinct may overlook the significant role that fathers and other caregivers play in a child's upbringing and the shared intuition they can also experience.
  • The narrative that mothers who face unexpected challenges like medical crises are reshaped in their perspective and role could be balanced with the recognition that some mothers may find their core values and approaches to motherhood reaffirmed rather than altered by such experiences.
  • The idea that serious illness reshapes a mother's view and experience of motherhood might not account for the diverse ways in which different individuals process and respond to such challenges.
  • The focus on maternal instinct and intuition could be expanded to include the importance of community support, professional advice, and ...

Actionables

  • Create a personal motherhood manifesto to clarify your values and expectations. Start by writing down what motherhood means to you, independent of societal norms or family conditioning. Reflect on your unique experiences and how they shape your parenting style. For example, if you value creativity and independence, your manifesto might include encouraging your children to pursue their interests, even if they're unconventional.
  • Develop a support network of diverse role models. Seek out local or online groups of parents with varied life paths, including those who've chosen not to have children, to broaden your perspective on motherhood. Engage in conversations to understand different viewpoints and find reassurance in the multitude of ways to be a good parent. For instance, joining a parenting book club can expose you to a range of philosophies and experiences.
  • Practice intuitive decision-mak ...

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