In this episode of Good Inside, Dr. Becky Kennedy and author Ashley Audrain examine how societal pressures and expectations affect mothers. They discuss how women are conditioned to view motherhood as inevitable rather than a choice, and explore the ways mothers often sacrifice their own needs and identity to meet idealized standards of maternal perfection.
Through personal experiences, including Audrain's journey with her son's illness, the conversation delves into the internal conflicts mothers face when their emotions don't match society's expectations of constant maternal joy. The discussion covers how childhood experiences shape women's relationship with motherhood, challenges the concept of "maternal instinct," and considers ways mothers can maintain their identity beyond parenting while remaining present for their families.
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Audrain and Kennedy explore how society places intense pressure on mothers to meet rigid standards of perfection. Audrain points out that womanhood is often seen as synonymous with motherhood, with girls being conditioned from a young age to view motherhood as inevitable rather than a choice. Kennedy highlights how these expectations manifest in everyday situations, such as school events where mothers feel pressured to prove their worth through perfect contributions, despite exhaustion or disinterest.
The discussion reveals how motherhood's reality often conflicts with its idealized version. Audrain shares her personal experience, particularly when her son's serious illness required an organ transplant, highlighting how unexpected challenges can amplify feelings of inadequacy. Kennedy notes that mothers often feel guilty for emotions that don't align with society's expectation of constant maternal joy, leading to feelings of isolation and self-doubt.
Kennedy addresses how mothers frequently sacrifice their own needs for their family, leading to burnout and resentment. Through an Instagram poll, she reveals that most women prioritize others' needs before their own. Audrain describes how she maintained her identity beyond motherhood by carving out time to write, emphasizing that pursuing personal interests actually enhanced her presence in family life.
The conversation explores how childhood experiences and societal conditioning influence women's relationships with motherhood. Audrain discusses how the lack of role models who chose paths other than motherhood affected her own expectations. She notes that unexpected challenges, like her son's chronic illness, can dramatically reshape a mother's perspective. Kennedy challenges the notion that "maternal instinct" alone should be sufficient for effective parenting, suggesting that this belief often makes mothers feel inadequate when they struggle.
1-Page Summary
Audrain and Kennedy dig into the complex terrain of motherhood, dissecting the expectations and pressures put upon mothers in today's society.
Audrain discusses the deep-seated notion that womanhood is synonymous with motherhood. She points out how the lack of examples of women choosing not to be mothers impacts society’s equation of womanhood with motherhood. This has led to a feeling that motherhood is an achievement that a woman must attain or prove.
The idea that women are inherently destined for motherhood is conditioned from a young age. Through implicit messages such as "when you're a mom, you'll see" or "you're going to be such a good mom," girls are taught to expect and internalize motherhood as a fundamental part of their future identity. Audrain notes that these societal assumptions plant the idea from an early age that motherhood is an inevitable part of womanhood.
There’s an immense pressure on mothers to meet stringent ideals of what it means to be a "good mother." Kennedy highlights the pressures at events such as a child’s class party, where there’s an implicit expectation that the mother who brings homemade, perfectly iced cupcakes is considered better than the one who opts for simpler tasks, like bringing paper towels or store-bought cookies.
Societal Expectations and Pressures Placed On Mothers
Motherhood is often presented as an idyllic journey of love and fulfillment, but Ashley Audrain and Becky Kennedy highlight the complex reality that can lead to feelings of isolation, guilt, and inadequacy.
Ashley Audrain entered motherhood with significant trepidation, unsure of her feelings toward it. Her experience became particularly challenging when her son fell seriously ill, requiring an organ transplant. This sudden and severe illness clashed with her expectations of motherhood, leaving her managing a whirlwind of emotions that did not align with societal ideals.
These unexpected situations can amplify a mother's sense of disappointment, which Audrain points out is a sentiment not traditionally associated with good motherhood. The pressure of living up to an almost mythic standard of constant joy and fulfillment in motherhood can create guilt and a feeling of being the "worst mother," as was the case with Audrain's sister who faced guilt over wanting to enjoy a moment for herself instead of engaging with her child.
Audrain's novel's protagonist, Blithe, navigates doubts about her child's behavior and suffers from a lack of validation for her feelings—a struggle she has carried from her own childhood. These experiences resonate with other mothers who find themselves doubting their maternal instincts and internalizing a sense of failure.
Internal Struggles and Conflicting Emotions Mothers Experience
Kennedy and Audrain convey how mothers are often pressured to sacrifice their own needs for their family, leading to burnout.
Kennedy addresses the burdens mothers face, implying that mothers often sacrifice their excitement for others' needs, leading to actions like "rage cleaning" instead of self-care. The guilt and societal expectations imposed on mothers often cause them to neglect self-care. Kennedy highlights the importance of balancing personal needs with the needs of others. However, societal expectations push mothers toward extremes like attending every field trip or feeling guilty for prioritizing their needs.
The Instagram poll revealed that most women put others' needs before their own, often due to a sense of duty, which increases the risk of burnout. Kennedy speaks about the regrets and reactions mothers experience when their unmet needs lead to significant outbursts over minor issues.
She draws parallels between parenthood and leadership, suggesting that parents need to maintain a connection with themselves and not allow their parenting role to consume them completely. Kennedy argues that parents, like leaders, should be intentional in not letting their roles overwhelm them. Setting boundaries and fostering self-awareness are important in recognizing and addressing their needs over time.
Kennedy criticizes the expectation that mothers rely solely on "maternal instinct," which can create feelings of failure. Societal pressures often obligate women to be accommodating, sometimes leading to self-abandonment. Ashley Audrain comments on giving oneself permission to depart from the perfect maternal ideal, suggesting that integrating one's own needs and identity is a vital part of the maternal experience.
Audrain details how she carved out time to write, which was crucial for her sense of freedom and self-identification beyond just being a mother. She emphasizes the significance of this personal time, which allowed her to pursue her identity beyond ...
Mothers Prioritizing Their Needs and Identity
The discourse explores how early life experiences and societal conditioning greatly influence a woman's expectations of motherhood and her relationship to the maternal role.
In childhood, individual interests and behaviors may hint at a natural inclination toward motherhood, while parents’ conscious language around the topic can help avoid imposing a predetermined maternal role. There's an understanding that the way in which girls are addressed regarding their potential interest in motherhood can perpetuate traditional assumptions about womanhood and the maternal role. The importance of being mindful of this in parenting is underscored.
Audrain speaks about the scarcity of role models who chose paths other than motherhood in her life. Such a lack influenced her expectations of, and relationship with, motherhood, suggesting that women's experiences with motherhood are shaped by their own mothers and the female figures in their lives. For those who find their personal experiences diverging from societal expectations, it may lead to self-doubt and difficulty in trusting their instincts or advocating for themselves. Conversely, by challenging these assumptions, the speaker hopes to provide her daughter with a role model that supports a range of possibilities for self-trust. Blithe's childhood, lacking in validation of her feelings, has led to adult struggles with self-doubt in motherhood and a reliance on external validation.
Audrain shares that her son's serious chronic illness and the battle for an organ transplant altered her view and experience of motherhood dramatically. She began writing her novel about six months into this taxi ...
How a Mother's Background Shapes Her Motherhood Journey
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