Anorexia, Zillow, and the Search for Self with Glennon Doyle
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Glennon Doyle and Dr. Kennedy explore how external behaviors often mask deeper internal struggles. Doyle shares her experience of seeking comfort through constant home searches and discusses how her approach to relationships and trust affects her parenting choices.
The conversation delves into the connection between eating disorders and broader life patterns, examining how food restrictions can mirror relationship dynamics and represent attempts to maintain control. Dr. Kennedy and Doyle discuss how recovery involves accepting uncertainty and addressing fundamental needs, while also exploring how parents can help their children develop independent thinking rather than inheriting rigid belief systems.
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1-Page Summary
Externalizing Discomfort Vs. Finding Internal Peace
Glennon Doyle shares her journey of recognizing that her constant search for comfort through external changes, particularly through moving homes, was actually masking deeper internal discomfort. She discusses how her tendency to seek solitude and connection through external means, like searching for communes online, ultimately led to the realization that these needs must be addressed internally rather than through environmental changes.
Passing Down Patterns and Beliefs To Children
Glennon Doyle opens up about how her pattern of mistrusting and judging others could potentially affect her daughter's worldview. Rather than trying to hide these patterns, she encourages her daughter to call out such behavior when she notices it. Building on this discussion, Becky Kennedy emphasizes the importance of teaching children how to think independently rather than simply passing down parental beliefs. She suggests that helping children develop critical thinking skills is more valuable than imposing rigid beliefs, which might lead to resistance.
Healing From Eating Disorders and Body Image Issues
Doyle shares her therapist's observation that her selective approach to food mirrored her relationship patterns, with only a few options deemed "safe" while viewing others with fear. Becky Kennedy explores how eating disorders often reflect a deeper discomfort with desire and vulnerability. She explains that anorexia can manifest as both a denial of fundamental needs and a rigid system of moral rules about food. Both Kennedy and Doyle emphasize that recovery involves embracing uncertainty and letting go of the false security that strict control provides.
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Counterarguments
- While internal peace is crucial, external factors can significantly impact well-being, and changing one's environment can sometimes be a necessary step towards healing.
- Solitude and connection are complex needs that might require both internal work and external changes, such as finding a supportive community.
- Children may sometimes benefit from adopting certain parental beliefs as a foundation, which they can later question and adapt as they develop their critical thinking skills.
- Not all patterns and beliefs passed down from parents are detrimental; some can provide a sense of security and identity for children.
- Critical thinking is important, but children also need a stable framework of values and beliefs to navigate the world effectively, which sometimes requires parental guidance.
- Eating disorders are multifaceted and can have various underlying causes, including biological, psychological, and social factors, not just issues with desire and vulnerability.
- Anorexia and other eating disorders may require a structured approach to treatment, including nutritional guidelines and rules, especially in the initial stages of recovery.
- Embracing uncertainty is important, but some individuals recovering from eating disorders may need to maintain certain elements of control to manage their condition effectively.
Actionables
- You can start a personal reflection journal to explore your internal needs and discomforts. Dedicate a few minutes each day to write down moments when you sought external validation or comfort. Reflect on what internal need you were trying to satisfy and brainstorm ways to address it internally next time. For example, if you notice you're reaching out to friends every time you feel anxious, consider developing a self-soothing technique like deep breathing or meditation to manage anxiety independently.
- Encourage open dialogues with family members about behavior patterns. During family meals or gatherings, initiate conversations about the patterns everyone has noticed in themselves and others. This can help create a safe space for calling out negative behaviors and discussing how they can be changed. For instance, if someone points out a tendency to avoid conflict, the family can collectively brainstorm healthier ways to address disagreements.
- Introduce a 'desire and vulnerability' discussion group with friends or peers. Organize regular meetups where you discuss topics related to understanding and expressing desires, dealing with vulnerability, and sharing recovery stories from rigid behavior patterns. This could be a supportive environment to learn from each other's experiences and encourage embracing uncertainty. For example, one session could focus on sharing personal experiences with vulnerability in relationships and the lessons learned from those moments.
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Externalizing Discomfort Vs. Finding Internal Peace
Glennon Doyle shares her personal journey of recognizing the futility of seeking external comforts to address her internal discomfort and ultimately understanding the importance of finding peace within oneself.
Glennon Doyle's Reliance on External Comfort Over Inner Peace
Glennon's Tendency to Seek New Homes and Towns For Comfort Instead Of Resolving Internal Discomfort
Glennon Doyle speaks candidly about her history of feeling uncomfortable and her attempts to alleviate this discomfort by moving to new places and reinventing her external environment. She has moved many times in the past two decades, always in search of a location where she might finally feel at peace.
Glennon Realizes Her Discomfort Is Internal, Not External
However, Glennon has come to understand that the discomfort she experiences follows her, no matter where she goes, capturing the essence of the recovery adage "wherever I go, there I am." Through this realization, Glennon recognizes the necessity of solitude and connection each day as something that comes from within.
Finding Solitude and Connection Internally, Not Externally
Glennon's Zillow Obsession Distracts From Creating Solitude and Connection At Home
She further discusses her recent search for a commune online, seeking to fulfill her needs for solitude and connection, which underscores her pattern of looking for external fixes rather than addressing her internal issues.
The Risk Of Changing Homes Without Addressing Internal Motives
Glennon Doyle also touches on moving away from the false comf ...
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Externalizing Discomfort Vs. Finding Internal Peace
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Counterarguments
- While internal peace is crucial, external environments can significantly impact one's mental health and well-being, and sometimes a change in environment is a valid strategy for improving one's life.
- The concept of "wherever you go, there you are" may not account for the fact that some environments are toxic or unsuitable for certain individuals, and leaving them can be a form of self-care.
- Seeking solitude and connection is a complex process that can involve both internal work and external support systems, such as community and relationships.
- The use of tools like Zillow could be seen as a form of research and planning, which is a rational approach to making informed decisions about one's living situation.
- The idea of embracing life's unpredictability can be balanced with the need for stability and security, which are also fundamental human needs.
- Reflecting on past actions with the benefit of hindsight might overlook the context and knowledge available at the time, which could have justified the decisions mad ...
Actionables
- You can start a "Discomfort Diary" to track moments of unease and identify patterns. Keep a small notebook or use a digital app to jot down when you feel the urge to escape or change your environment. Note what triggered the discomfort, what you were doing, and how you felt before and after the urge. Over time, this can reveal whether your discomfort is truly about your location or something deeper within you.
- Create a "Solitude Space" in your home dedicated to self-reflection and internal connection. This could be a corner of a room with a comfortable chair, soft lighting, and items that bring you peace, like plants or personal mementos. Spend at least 10 minutes there daily, practicing mindfulness or journaling to foster a connection with your inner self without distractions.
- Develop a "Change Impact Predictor" exercise before making any significant ch ...
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Passing Down Patterns and Beliefs To Children
The podcast explores the complex relationship between a parent's ingrained patterns and the developing beliefs of their children, with insights from Glennon Doyle and Becky Kennedy on how to navigate this sensitive dynamic.
Glennon's Mistrustful Patterns and Their Impact on Her Daughter
Glennon Doyle candidly shares the impact of her mistrustful patterns on her daughter and how these could potentially shape her child's worldview.
Glennon Sees Judging People as "Bad" Imposes a "Dirty Lens" On Her Daughter
Glennon mentions her habit of judging others as a protective mechanism, an adaptation that may have served her in the past but now acts as a "dirty lens." She worries that without intervention, this lens could be passed down to her daughter, affecting how she views and interacts with the world.
Glennon's Strategy Of Having Her Daughter Call Her Out Instead Of Directly Changing Behavior
To address this, Glennon proposes a strategy where she is open about her own judgmental behavior and encourages her daughter to call her out. This not only serves as an acknowledgment of the pattern but also benefits their relationship by fostering communication and awareness. Glennon wants to raise a child who is discerning and doesn't blindly follow anyone, including herself.
Fostering Critical Thinking in Children Over Imparting Parental Beliefs
Becky Kennedy advocates for fostering independent thinking in children, rather than simply imparting parental beliefs, to help them develop into individuals capable of making informed decisions.
Becky's Approach To Fostering Independent Thinking and Decision-Making In Children
Kennedy believes it's crucial to teach children how to think, not just what to think. By guiding her children to question, she aims to prevent dependency or resistance that may arise from a parental imposition of beliefs. By encouraging curiosity and allowing time for decision-making, Kennedy helps her children hone an essential skill — independent thought.
She wants her children to learn how to generate questions and to nu ...
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Passing Down Patterns and Beliefs To Children
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Counterarguments
- While encouraging children to call out parental behavior can promote open communication, it may also place an undue burden on the child to correct or manage the parent's actions.
- Raising a child to be discerning and question everything, including parental authority, could potentially lead to a lack of trust or security in the parent-child relationship.
- Teaching children how to think independently is important, but providing them with a foundation of core values and beliefs is also essential for their moral and ethical development.
- There is a risk that in the pursuit of fostering independent thinking, parents might inadvertently create an environment where children feel unsupported or isolated in their decision-making processes.
- While it's beneficial to avoid imposing rigid beliefs, some structure and guidance from parents are necessary to help children navigate complex social and moral landscapes.
- Encouraging children to question and make informed decisions is important, but they also need to learn to balance this with respect for others' beliefs and an understanding of social cohesion.
- The strategy of not imposing beliefs might not take into account the natural inc ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Question Jar" at home where family members can drop in any question they have about the world or personal beliefs, to be discussed during weekly family meetings. This encourages everyone to think critically and respect diverse perspectives, fostering an environment where questioning is valued and not judged.
- Start a family book club with a twist, where each member reads a different book on the same subject and shares their unique takeaways. This practice promotes independent thinking and shows how different sources can lead to varied interpretations, teaching children to analyze information critically.
- Implement a "Role Revers ...
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Healing From Eating Disorders and Body Image Issues
Discussing the intersection of eating disorders, trust, and judgment in relationships, Glennon Doyle shared her therapist’s insight comparing her selective approach to both food and people. Becky Kennedy explored the theme of healing in eating disorders, emphasizing the role of embracing uncertainty.
Connection Between Food/Body Relations and People
Glennon's Therapist: Food Patterns Mirrored Relationship Patterns, With Few "Safe" Options and Others Seen As Scary
Glennon Doyle recalled her therapist noting that her selective eating mirrored her relationship behavior, with only a few deemed safe while others were viewed with trepidation. This insight illustrated the parallel between her eating disorder and how she navigated trust and judgment in relationships.
Eating Disorders: Discomfort With Desire, Vulnerability, and Embodiment
Kennedy delved into the discomfort with desire, emphasizing how anorexia manifests as a denial of even fundamental needs, like eating, out of fear. Doyle compared anorexia to hustle culture, where both impel a suppression of appetites, reflecting societal pressures to conform to an unrealistic standard of control and minimalism.
Doyle noted the difficulty in coming to terms with one's trauma and desire, pointing out that truly inhabiting one's body often contradicts societal norms by exposing both to potential disruption and messiness. Kennedy characterized anorexia as a contradiction, representing both a desire to disappear and to be acknowledged.
Certainty, Rigidity, and Morality In Eating Disorders
Control Through Eating Disorders: Rigid Rules and Judgments
Kennedy discussed the binary morality ingrained in the structure of anorexia, where food is either "good" or "bad," and following strict rules provides a sense of superiority. Doyle shared her history with strict control and ideology, reflecting on her susceptibility to anorexia and the underlying quest for structure and answers outside herself.
Embracing U ...
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Healing From Eating Disorders and Body Image Issues
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Counterarguments
- While parallels between eating habits and relationship behaviors can be insightful, it's important to recognize that each individual's experiences with eating disorders and relationships are unique, and one may not always mirror the other.
- The comparison between anorexia and hustle culture might oversimplify the complex psychological factors that contribute to eating disorders, which can include a range of biological, psychological, and social factors beyond societal pressures.
- Embracing uncertainty is indeed important for recovery, but it's also crucial to acknowledge the role of structured treatment plans and evidence-based therapies in the healing process from eating disorders.
- The binary view of food as "good" or "bad" in eating disorders is a common symptom, but it's also important to consider that some individuals with eating disorders may not exhibit this kind of rigid thinking and their experiences can be more nuanced.
- The idea that wisdom involves facing a lack of control may not resonate with everyone, as some individuals find wisdom in recognizing what they can control and f ...
Actionables
- You can explore your relationship with control by keeping a "randomness journal" where you document instances where you relinquished control and how it made you feel. Start by choosing one small decision each day to leave up to chance, like what to eat for breakfast or which route to take for a walk. Write down your feelings before and after the decision, noting any anxiety or relief you experience. This practice can help you become more comfortable with uncertainty in your daily life.
- Develop a "desire map" to reconnect with your wants and needs, which can be as simple as a list or as creative as a collage. Each day, add something you desire, no matter how trivial or grand, without judging its validity. This could range from craving a specific food to wanting more time for a hobby. Regularly reviewing and updating your map can help you recognize and honor your desires, fostering a healthier relationship with your needs and reducing the fear associated with them.
- Engag ...
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