Revisit - A Plate of Shame
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, the challenges parents face when dining out with young children are explored. Many parents experience anxiety about their kids' restless behavior and judgement from others during restaurant outings. The host and callers share personal stories, offering practical tips for setting clear expectations with kids, engaging their attention with activities, and emotionally coping with negative feedback or criticism.
Additionally, Dr. Becky Kennedy provides guidance on creating emotional distance from harsh judgments and repairing the experience for both parents and children after incidents of public shaming. The episode provides a comprehensive look at navigating the social complexities of dining out with little ones.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Mar 11, 2025 episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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1-Page Summary
The Challenges Of Dining Out With Young Children
Many parents face anxiety and judgment when dining out with children, worried about their kids' restless behavior and others' reactions.
Handling Anxiety and Fear of Judgment When Dining Out With Kids
A caller shares her stressful experience, feeling self-conscious about her children's mischievous behavior attracting attention. Becky Kennedy relates, comparing her kids to seemingly better-behaved ones and wishing the meal would end quickly to avoid further anxiety. The lack of stimulation for restless children exacerbates the challenges for parents.
Managing Children's Behavior In Restaurants
Setting Expectations With Children Before Dining Out
Kennedy and the caller emphasize discussing expected restaurant behavior with kids beforehand. The caller notes her children respond better when expectations are clear. Kennedy suggests framing waiting patiently as a necessary skill, comparing it to doing chores.
Engaging Activities to Occupy Children's Attention
Kennedy proposes games and activities like "what's missing" at the table to keep kids engaged. Though unstated, bringing toys and taking breaks can also help occupy children.
Navigating Negative Feedback or Judgement About Parenting
Internalizing Shame and Self-Doubt From a Stranger's Criticism
A mother received aggressive criticism implying her children ruined someone's dinner. This caused a strong physical and emotional reaction, leading her to question her parenting abilities and feel unfairly ashamed, even after leaving.
Emotional Distance From Negative Feedback
Kennedy advises techniques like deep breathing, visualizing negativity as a ball passing by, and reminding oneself a stranger's judgement doesn't define parental worth.
Repairing the Experience With One's Children
The mother acknowledged to her daughter how the unfair situation affected them both. Kennedy recommends reassuring children they are good despite negative interactions, and validating when they notice hurtful comments.
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Actionables
- Create a "restaurant kit" for your children that includes new, quiet toys or activities they've never seen before, ensuring their first encounter with these items is at the restaurant. This novelty can capture their attention more effectively than familiar items, potentially reducing restlessness and the associated parental anxiety.
- Develop a "feedback shield" routine where you mentally prepare for potential negative comments by visualizing a protective barrier around you. This can be a quick visualization exercise where you imagine a shield deflecting the negative words, helping you maintain emotional distance and reduce the impact of judgment.
- After a challenging dining experience, initiate a positive reinforcement tradition by having a family discussion about what went well. Focus on the positive behaviors your child displayed, no matter how small, and plan together how to replicate those behaviors in the future. This can help repair any negative feelings and reinforce good behavior for the next outing.
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The Challenges Of Dining Out With Young Children
Many parents grapple with the challenges of dining out with young children, feeling anxiety and a fear of judgment.
Handling Anxiety and Fear of Judgment When Dining Out With Kids
Parents often deal with stress and judgment while eating out with their kids.
Feeling Self-Conscious About Children's Behavior and Others' Opinions
A caller shares her anxious dining experience with her young children. Despite her best efforts to keep them entertained and calm, the children's mischievous behavior, such as reaching for ornaments and sibling quarrels, made them a visible presence in the restaurant, contributing to the caller's self-consciousness. She feared others might judge her parenting skills.
Becky Kennedy relates to this anxiety. She often compares her children's behavior to that of other more seemingly well-behaved children, which leads her to question her own parenting and wish her family could quickly finish their meal and leave to avoid further stress.
Entertaining Young Children While Waiting For Meals
Kennedy talks about the children's need for stimulation, which isn't satisfi ...
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The Challenges Of Dining Out With Young Children
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Counterarguments
- While some parents may feel stress and judgment, others may have a more relaxed approach to dining out with young children, accepting that kids will be kids and focusing on the family experience rather than the opinions of others.
- Not all mischievous behavior by children is a reflection of poor parenting; children are often unpredictable and may act out in new or stimulating environments despite good parenting.
- Comparing one's children to others can be unproductive, as each child is unique and may behave differently due to a variety of factors such as age, temperament, or simply having a bad day.
- Some children are capable of sitting quietly and waiting for meals without becoming restless, especially i ...
Actionables
- Create a 'restaurant kit' for your child that includes quiet, engaging activities to keep them occupied while waiting for food. Pack items like coloring books, small puzzles, or silent electronic games that can hold their attention without causing a disturbance. This can help reduce restlessness and make the dining experience more enjoyable for everyone.
- Develop a signal system with your children for when they're feeling restless or need attention. Teach them discreet hand signals or facial expressions that they can use to communicate with you across the table. This can help manage their behavior without drawing unwanted attention and reduce your stress levels.
- Practice dining out at ...
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Managing Children's Behavior In Restaurants
Becky Kennedy discusses strategies for ensuring a smooth dining experience with children, emphasizing the need for clear communication and expectation setting.
Setting Expectations With Children Before Dining Out
Kennedy underscores the benefits of preparing children for dining out by discussing with them the behavior that is expected in a restaurant setting.
Discussing Children's Behavior At a Restaurant
Kennedy and the caller both highlight the value of having a conversation with children before going out to eat to make clear what the situation will demand of them. The caller acknowledges that taking a few minutes to set expectations could have improved their experience and recognizes that her children respond well when they understand what's expected of them. Similarly, she admits that a more thoughtful approach to explaining the expectations surrounding their behavior at the restaurant would have made the outing more pleasant for everyone involved.
Framing Children's Excitement and Impatience As Necessary
Kennedy also discusses the significance of preparing kids for the reality that dining out might not always be fun. She explains that learning to cope with less enjoyable activities, such as waiting patiently during a dinner out, is a part of developing into a responsible adult. Moreover, Kennedy relates this to other routine tasks that may not be fun but are necessary, such as unloading the dishwasher.
Engaging Activities to Occupy Children's Attention
Kennedy does not specifically mention bringing toys, games, or crayons, but she does suggest ways to make the dining experience more engaging for children.
Bringing Toys, Games, and Crayons to Keep Occupied
While not directly referenced in the provided information, it is commonly advised to bring items ...
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Managing Children's Behavior In Restaurants
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Counterarguments
- While discussing behavior expectations is beneficial, it can also create pressure for children to perform perfectly, which may lead to anxiety or stress in a child who is worried about making mistakes in public.
- Preparing children for less enjoyable aspects of dining out is important, but it's also crucial to ensure that the experience remains child-friendly and not overly focused on adult standards of behavior, which might not be developmentally appropriate for younger children.
- Bringing toys and games to a restaurant can be helpful, but it can also distract from family interaction and the social experience of dining out, potentially missing opportunities for teaching children how to engage in conversation and observe their surroundings.
- Engaging children with activities and frequent walks is a good idea, but it might not always be practical in some dining envi ...
Actionables
- Create a "restaurant role-play" at home where you and your children can practice dining out etiquette, including waiting for food, using manners, and sitting at the table for the duration of a meal. This prepares them for the real experience and gives you a chance to reinforce positive behaviors in a familiar setting.
- Develop a "dining out diary" for your children where they can draw or write about their restaurant experiences, including what they enjoyed and what was challenging. This encourages reflection and helps them understand that not all outings will be purely fun, but they can still find positive aspects to r ...
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Navigating Negative Feedback or Judgement About Parenting
Navigating negative feedback or judgment regarding parenting can be extremely challenging, provoking strong emotions and self-doubt. A caller's recent experience provides a window into managing such difficult encounters and repairing their impact, especially on children.
Internalizing Shame and Self-Doubt From a Stranger's Criticism
Strong Physiological and Emotional Reaction to Aggressive Comments
A mother received aggressive criticism from a woman at a restaurant, who implied that her children had ruined her dinner. This experience resulted in a strong physiological and emotional reaction for the mother, who clenched up, internalized the shame, and felt terrible. Becky Kennedy refers to this as being served an unexpected "plate of shame."
Questioning Parenting Abilities and Feeling Unfairly Ashamed
The confrontation led to the caller questioning their parenting abilities and feeling a sense of inevitable shame. The mother's self-doubt and anxiety persisted, indicating a lasting emotional impact. Becky Kennedy responds to the caller's story by acknowledging the aggression that led to these feelings of shame and doubt.
Emotional Distance From Negative Feedback
Visualizing and Breathing to "Move Out" Of Criticism
Kennedy suggests coping strategies for the caller, such as putting one's feet on the ground, hand on the heart, and taking a breath with a longer out-breath to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and calm down. She also recommends visualizing the negative comment as a ball being thrown without the need to catch it. This allows one to step aside and let the negativity pass by.
Reminder: Stranger's Judgement Doesn't Define Parental Worth
Kennedy reminds the caller that a stranger's judgment doesn't define one's worth as a parent. Even if the children were rowdy, that moment doesn't determine the parent's overall value or capability.
Repairing the Experience With One's Children
Acknowledging the Situation Was Unfair to Children
The caller also reflects on how the confrontation may have impacted children. She speaks with her older daughter about how ...
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Navigating Negative Feedback or Judgement About Parenting
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Create a personal mantra to affirm your parenting when faced with criticism, such as "I am doing my best for my children, and that is enough." Repeat this mantra whenever you feel doubt creeping in, which can help reinforce your self-worth and counteract the negative effects of external judgment.
- Develop a "criticism journal" where you write down any negative comments you receive, followed by a rational assessment of their validity and a list of your parenting strengths. This can help you process the criticism constructively, recognize patterns, and remind yourself of your capabilities and successes.
- Engage in role-playing ...
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