A Funny Take on Millennial Parenting with Ilana Glazer
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Dr. Becky Kennedy and comedian Ilana Glazer explore a modern, empathetic approach to parenting focused on nurturing children's emotional development and sense of self. The conversation delves into Dr. Kennedy's critique of traditional punitive discipline tactics and her advocacy for validating children's emotions and guiding, rather than controlling, their behavior.
The pair also examine the notion of setting healthy boundaries not as a means of control, but as an avenue for strengthening the parent-child bond and modeling self-care. Glazer offers insights into the unique perspective and challenges of millennial parents, who prioritize gentle parenting methods centered on emotional attunement while navigating struggles with boundaries and fostering independence.
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1-Page Summary
Empathetic, Emotionally-Attuned Parenting Approach
Traditional Parenting Dehumanizes Children
Becky Kennedy criticizes traditional punitive parenting tactics like timeouts and reward systems that control behavior without understanding emotions. She highlights the disconnect between adult empowerment methods focused on connection, and outdated childhood discipline aimed at compliance.
Recognizing Children's Emotions and Guiding Rather Than Controlling
Kennedy advocates considering the child's perspective, validating emotions, and guiding development rather than controlling behavior. She emphasizes emotional regulation and nurturing identity through care and reflection. Glazer suggests shared emotional pauses rather than isolating "timeouts."
Setting Boundaries to Strengthen Parent-Child Bonds
Boundaries Communicate Parent Needs, Not Control Behavior
Kennedy explains boundaries stem from parents' actions to meet their needs, not demands of the child. This avoids making the child responsible for the parent's emotional well-being.
Modeling Boundaries Nurtures Self-Care and Teaches Life Skills
Kennedy argues boundaries support parent well-being, allow better child support, and model essential skills like self-control. "Modeling boundaries teaches children to develop a strong self," she says.
Millennial Parents' Unique Perspective and Challenges
Prioritizing Emotional Needs and Gentle Parenting
Influenced by reduced mental health stigma, millennial parents embrace "gentle parenting" that validates children's emotions over harsh discipline. Kennedy adapted therapy principles, aiming to develop emotion-focused parenting support.
Practical Struggles with Boundaries and Independence
Despite striving for understanding, millennial parents like Glazer and Kennedy struggle with boundaries around sleep training and independence. Intense love clashes with respecting the child's need for autonomy.
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Counterarguments
- Traditional parenting methods have been successful for generations and can instill discipline and respect for authority.
- Some argue that timeouts and reward systems are not inherently dehumanizing if applied with love and clear communication.
- Emotional validation is important, but it must be balanced with teaching children about consequences and personal responsibility.
- Boundaries are essential, but they must be clear and consistent to be effective, which may sometimes require more direct control.
- While modeling boundaries is crucial, children also need to learn through experiencing natural consequences of their actions.
- Gentle parenting may not prepare children for real-world situations where emotional needs are not always prioritized.
- Embracing therapy principles in parenting is beneficial, but it should not replace traditional parenting wisdom and common sense.
- Struggling with boundaries is a common parenting challenge, not unique to millennial parents, and finding a balance is part of the parenting journey for all generations.
Actionables
- Create a "feelings journal" for your child to draw or write about their emotions, which you can discuss together during a weekly 'emotion exploration' session. This practice encourages children to express and understand their feelings, and it gives you a structured opportunity to validate and guide them through their emotional development.
- Develop a family 'boundary charter' where each member, including children, contributes to setting household rules that reflect everyone's needs. This collaborative approach ensures that boundaries are clear, respected, and teach children about the importance of mutual respect and personal space.
- Start a 'parental timeout' routine where, in moments of high stress or conflict, you take a brief break to model self-regulation before addressing the situation with your child. This shows children how to handle intense emotions constructively and gives you a chance to approach the situation with empathy and clarity.
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Critique of Traditional Parenting and the Need for Empathetic, Emotionally-Attuned Approach
Becky Kennedy and Ilana Glazer challenge traditional parenting methods, advocating for a more empathetic approach that addresses the emotional needs of children and views them as whole humans deserving of true understanding and connection.
Traditional Parenting Often Dehumanizes and Demeans Children Rather Than Addressing Their Emotional Needs
Kennedy criticizes traditional parenting tactics such as timeouts, sticker charts, ignoring, and praise systems where good behavior is rewarded and bad behavior is extinguished without considering the child's emotional development. She recognized the shortcomings of this approach when she had a moment of clarity, realizing that as a psychologist, she no longer believed in the punitive measures she was teaching to parents. Kennedy highlights the contradiction between adult empowerment methods used in the workplace or therapy and the outdated, control-focused parenting methods.
Behavior Control Vs. Building Understanding and Connection
Kennedy suggests that traditional harsh parenting, where a child is sent to their room or silenced when they act out, may reflect the parent's own frustration rather than serve as true discipline. This is starkly different from methods used in workplaces or even in sports coaching, which aim to optimize performance with forward-thinking strategies. She calls for moving away from punishment, finding a balance that lies between permissiveness and harsh discipline, and adopting a method focused on understanding and connecting with the child.
Outdated Approaches Contrast With Adult Empowerment in Work and Therapy
Glazer connects the dehumanizing effects of traditional childcare tactics to broader systemic issues, suggesting that such methods aim to enforce compliance. In contrast, therapies for older individuals focus on understanding, empathy, and making lifestyle changes, rather than punishment. Kennedy contrasts this with the traditional advice she previously gave parents, advocating for a consistent relationship that recognizes an individual's worth while also setting boundaries.
Empathetic, Respectful Approach Recognizes Children As Deserving Consideration
Understanding the Child's Perspective, Validating Emotions, and Guiding
Kennedy emphasizes the necessity for parents to consider the child's perspective, validate their emotions, and guide them, rather than simply aiming to control thei ...
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Critique of Traditional Parenting and the Need for Empathetic, Emotionally-Attuned Approach
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Counterarguments
- Traditional parenting methods have been used for generations and can provide structure, consistency, and clear expectations, which are also important for a child's sense of security and development.
- Timeouts and other forms of discipline are not inherently dehumanizing if applied with love and clear communication about their purpose and are part of a broader strategy that includes plenty of positive reinforcement.
- Sticker charts and praise systems can be effective motivational tools when used to encourage positive behavior and can help children learn about goals and rewards.
- Some argue that a balance of discipline and empathy is necessary, as too much permissiveness can lead to a lack of boundaries and respect for authority.
- It's possible to misunderstand or misapply empathetic parenting approaches, leading to confusion or inconsistency in parenting practices.
- Emotional regulation is important for parents, but it's also important to teach children that their actions have consequences, and sometimes those consequences are naturally uncomfortable or isolating.
- While relational interactions are cruc ...
Actionables
- Create a "feelings journal" for your child to draw or write about their emotions daily. This encourages them to express and understand their feelings, fostering emotional intelligence. For example, after school, give your child some quiet time with the journal to reflect on their day, using colors or words to describe how they felt during different events.
- Develop a "calm corner" in your home with items that help soothe and regulate emotions, like stress balls, soft blankets, or a playlist of calming music. When you notice your child is becoming overwhelmed, guide them to the calm corner to help them learn self-regulation. For instance, if a tantrum is brewing, suggest going to the calm corner together to take deep breaths and choose an item to focus on.
- Start a weekly "empathy ...
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Setting Boundaries to Enhance Parent-Child Relationships
Ilana Glazer and Becky Kennedy explore the significance of setting boundaries in parenting, emphasizing how such practices can strengthen parent-child bonds.
Boundaries Maintain Parent-Child Bonds By Expressing Parental Needs, Not Controlling Behavior
Kennedy clarifies that the purpose of setting boundaries is to communicate the parent’s needs rather than to control the child's behavior. This distinction is important as it ensures that the child is not put in charge of the parent's emotional success.
Boundaries Stem From Parents' Actions, Not Demands, Ensuring the Child Isn't Responsible for Their "Success."
Kennedy explains that boundaries are based on what the parent will do, independent of the child’s actions. For example, if she didn't want her son pressing all the elevator buttons, she would position herself between him and the buttons, empowering herself by not relying on her son’s compliance for her own success.
Empowering Parents: Balancing Boundaries and Child's Autonomy
Kennedy emphasizes that boundaries demonstrate what a parent needs to maintain well-being within the relationship. By avoiding actions like unexpected visits from a mother-in-law, parents can convey their needs without fostering resentment, thereby preserving the bond.
Boundaries Support Parents' Well-Being and Benefit the Child Long-Term
Kennedy argues that boundaries are essential for the well-being of parents and that learning to set and enforce them is a significant aspect of parenting. Navigating the reaction of others to boundaries can be challenging, as people may not like being confronted with them. Moreover, poor boundaries can lead to physical exhaustion and mental strain.
Prioritize Self-Care to Better Support Your Child
Kenned ...
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Setting Boundaries to Enhance Parent-Child Relationships
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Counterarguments
- Boundaries might sometimes be perceived as controlling behavior, depending on their nature and how they are communicated.
- Children may sometimes need clear demands to understand expectations, not just actions from parents.
- Overemphasis on parental needs might risk neglecting the child's perspective and autonomy.
- Some children may require more direct guidance and rules for their development and safety.
- The balance between setting boundaries and being flexible is complex and may not be one-size-fits-all.
- The concept of well-being is subjective, and what works for one parent may not work for another.
- Enforcing boundaries can sometimes lead to conflict, which may temporarily strain the parent-child relationship.
- The effectiveness of modeling boundaries can vary wi ...
Actionables
- You can create a visual boundary chart to clarify your needs and expectations for both you and your child. Start by listing your non-negotiables, like personal downtime or specific household rules, and then turn them into a colorful chart that hangs in a common area. This visual aid serves as a constant reminder and can help prevent misunderstandings or the need for repetitive explanations.
- Develop a "boundary buddy" system with a friend or fellow parent to practice and reinforce your boundary-setting skills. Pair up and share your boundary goals, then check in weekly to discuss progress, challenges, and offer mutual support. This partnership can provide accountability and encouragement, making it easier to stay committed to your boundaries.
- Introduce a family "boundary hour" where each memb ...
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The Unique Perspective and Experiences of Millennial Parents
Kennedy and Glazer discuss the distinct approach of millennial parents to child-rearing that involves emotional accountability and the challenge of applying these ideals in practice.
Millennial Parents Prioritize Emotional Accountability and Reject Harsh Parenting Styles of the Past
Millennial parents, influenced by greater access to mental health support and a cultural shift away from stigma, are moving towards a more emotionally accountable and "gentle parenting" approach, according to speakers Kennedy and Glazer.
This Generation Embraces Mental Health Support and "Gentle Parenting" That Validates Children's Emotions
Kennedy's insight into human needs led her to apply principles from adult therapy to parenting, emphasizing that harsh parenting practices from the past did not feel good to children or adults. Glazer points out that gentle parenting is what parenting should be, and both affirm that there is a generational change focused on emotional needs. Kennedy suggests developing a system akin to mental health support that considers the emotions of the child.
Millennial Parents Set Boundaries and Uphold Self-Worth Beyond Their Children's Behavior
Glazer discusses millennial parents' balance of accountability and maintaining a separate identity from their children, focusing on establishing boundaries and self-worth independent of children's behavior. Parents understand that a child is not giving a hard time but rather having a hard time, and thus aim to understand and respect children's emotions.
Millennial Parents Struggle to Apply Ideals, Particularly In Sleep Training and Separation Anxiety
Even as millennial parents work towards a more understanding and empathetic approach, the application of these ideals in practical parenting scenarios, such as sleep training and dealing with separation anxiety, presents its challenges.
Intense Love May Hinder Setting Boundaries and Accepting Child's Independence
Glazer and Kennedy share their personal struggles, ...
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The Unique Perspective and Experiences of Millennial Parents
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Counterarguments
- While millennial parents may prioritize emotional accountability, it's important to recognize that not all parents within this generation can or do adopt this approach due to various socioeconomic, cultural, or personal factors.
- The concept of "gentle parenting" may not be universally applicable or effective for all children and families, as different children may respond to different parenting styles.
- Setting boundaries and upholding self-worth is a complex process that can be influenced by a parent's own upbringing and experiences, which may not always align with the ideals of gentle parenting.
- The struggles millennial parents face in applying their ideals could be indicative of a broader issue where ideals are not always practical or realistic in every situation.
- The emphasis on emotional connection and validation of children's emotions might sometimes overlook the importance of preparing children for real-world challenges where emotional support is not alwa ...
Actionables
- Create a "Feelings Journal" for your family where each member, including children, can express their emotions and experiences daily. This practice encourages emotional expression and validation, fostering a supportive environment. For example, after dinner, everyone can take a few minutes to write or draw about their day, sharing if they wish, which helps in understanding each other's emotional states.
- Develop a "Boundary Box" activity where you and your children can write down and decorate individual cards with personal boundaries or rules that are important to each person. This can be a fun and engaging way to discuss and respect each other's limits. For instance, one card might say, "Knock before entering my room," which teaches respect for personal space.
- Start a weekly "Se ...
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