Three Ways to Respond to "I Hate You"
In this episode from the "Good Inside with Dr. Becky" podcast, Becky Kennedy provides insight on addressing parenting disagreements where one partner doubts the "Good Inside" approach. She suggests skepticism stems from care about a child's future and can lead to constructive dialogue.
Kennedy explains the "Good Inside" approach—balancing boundaries with compassion to guide behavior change while affirming a child's inherent goodness. She advocates open discussions with skeptical partners, not as an effort to convince, but to understand criticisms and find agreeable strategies without judgment.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Feb 11, 2025 episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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1-Page Summary
Reframing a Skeptical Parenting Partner As a Positive
Becky Kennedy suggests skepticism from a parenting partner about the "Good Inside" approach shows curiosity and concern for their children's future, according to Kennedy. She appreciates open discussions of differing beliefs, as they can lead to better strategies for raising kids.
"Explaining the 'Good Inside' Parenting Approach and Its Differences"
"Good Inside" Balances Discipline and Compassion
Kennedy explains the "Good Inside" approach aims for balance: not punishment that confuses a child's identity with their behavior, nor permissiveness that lacks boundaries. Instead, it maintains boundaries while connecting to the child's goodness and developing better behavior skills.
"Good Inside" Approach Maintains Boundaries, Connects To Child's Goodness, and Develops Behavior Skills
Per Kennedy, parents using "Good Inside" lead with calm conviction and affirm their child's inherent goodness while collaborating to understand underlying feelings and change behaviors through supportive boundaries.
Evaluating if a Parenting Approach "Works"
Kennedy says to evaluate parenting approaches beyond just immediate behavioral changes. Look for signs like:
- Belief in the child's learning methods being used
- Incremental progress, even without major changes
- Opportunities given to practice new skills
Addressing Challenges With a Skeptical Parenting Partner
Skeptical Partner Exhausts and Frustrates Parent Embracing "Good Inside" Approach
Kennedy acknowledges having a skeptical partner can feel adversarial and burdensome for the parent using "Good Inside" methods.
Invite Skeptical Partners For Non-judgmental "Good Inside" Conversations
Kennedy suggests inviting skeptical partners to listen and discuss "Good Inside" together through resources like podcasts or workshops. Not to convince, but to have open dialogue on criticisms, with the presenter and skeptical partner providing input.
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Counterarguments
- Skepticism might not always stem from curiosity or concern; it could also arise from a lack of understanding or resistance to change.
- Open discussions can sometimes lead to conflict or stalemate if not managed effectively.
- Balancing discipline and compassion is subjective and may not work for every child or family dynamic.
- The "Good Inside" approach's effectiveness can vary depending on the child's personality, learning style, and the parents' consistency in applying the methods.
- Affirming a child's inherent goodness is important, but it must be coupled with clear communication about expectations and consequences to be effective.
- Evaluating parenting approaches is complex and should include long-term outcomes, not just short-term behavior or incremental progress.
- Opportunities to practice new skills need to be appropriate and tailored to the child's developmental stage.
- A skeptical partner's feelings should be acknowledged as valid, and their concerns addressed, rather than simply inviting them to non-judgmental conversations.
- Alternative parenting approaches might work better for some families and should be considered when "Good Inside" does not resonate or produce desired outcomes.
Actionables
- You can create a "Parenting Perspectives Journal" where you and your partner write down your thoughts on discipline, compassion, and child development, then compare notes weekly to understand each other's viewpoints and work towards a unified approach.
- Keeping a journal encourages reflection and can reveal common ground you might not have discovered in conversation. For example, you might find that both of you value independence in your child but have different ideas about how to encourage it. This discovery can lead to a compromise, such as setting up scenarios where your child can safely make choices.
- Develop a "Behavior Reflection Kit" for your child that includes emotion cards, behavior charts, and calming tools like stress balls or fidget spinners, to use together when discussing behavior and feelings.
- This hands-on approach can make abstract concepts more tangible for children. For instance, after a tantrum, you could sit with your child and use the emotion cards to help them identify what they felt and the behavior chart to discuss what they might do differently next time.
- Organize a monthly "Family Council" where each family member, regardless of age, can share their thoughts on family rules, discipline, and rewards, fostering a collaborative environment.
- This inclusive strategy ensures everyone feels heard and has a stake in family dynamics. For example, your child might suggest a system where they earn points for good behavior that they can exchange for a reward, which can be a fun and engaging way to encourage positive behavior and practice new skills.
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Reframing a Skeptical Parenting Partner As a Positive
Becky Kennedy approaches the challenge of dealing with skeptical parenting partners, offering insight into how skepticism can be a positive force in parenting.
Skepticism, Curiosity, and Caring For Children’s Futures
Kennedy suggests that skeptical partners questioning the "Good Inside" parenting approach are, in fact, a boon. She appreciates skepticism because it is linked to curiosity, implying that the skeptical party is thinking deeply about important issues. Kennedy admires this trait, as it shows a deep concern for their children's future and a desire to ensure the parenting methods used truly prepare them for the challenges of the real world.
Aligning Skeptical Partners to Speak the Same Language and Discuss the Same Concepts
Open Discussions on Differing Beliefs Benefit Children
Kennedy contends that bringing skeptical partners into the conversation about parenting approaches like "Good Inside" can be highly beneficial. She encourages open discussions where ...
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Reframing a Skeptical Parenting Partner As a Positive
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Counterarguments
- Skepticism, while linked to curiosity, can sometimes lead to indecision or paralysis by analysis, where too much questioning prevents timely decision-making in parenting.
- Not all skepticism is constructive; it can sometimes stem from a place of fear or resistance to change rather than a genuine concern for the child's future.
- Open discussions on differing beliefs, while beneficial, can also lead to conflict or confusion if not managed respectfully and productively.
- The assumption that skeptical partners will always contribute positively to parenting discussions may not hold true in all cases; some skepticism can be based on misinformation or harmful biases.
- Aligning parenting approaches is ideal but may not always be possible; some difference ...
Actionables
- You can foster a family book club that focuses on stories with themes of inquiry and skepticism. By selecting books that encourage questioning the status quo and exploring different perspectives, you'll naturally create an environment where skepticism is seen as a tool for learning. For example, choose a children's book where the protagonist must question their reality or a non-fiction book about young scientists making discoveries, and then discuss the themes as a family.
- Start a "Question of the Week" tradition where each family member brings a thought-provoking question to the dinner table. This practice encourages everyone to think deeply about various topics and to appreciate the value of skepticism in understanding the world. It could be as simple as "Why do we have leap years?" or as complex as "What would happen if the internet stopped working for a day?" The key is to respect each question and provide thoughtful, collaborative responses.
- Create a "Belief Map" activity where each family member draws or writes out their current ...
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"Explaining the 'Good Inside' Parenting Approach and Its Differences"
Kennedy introduces the "Good Inside" approach, contrasting it with traditional methods, aiming to balance discipline and compassion.
"Good Inside" Balances Discipline and Compassion
Kennedy explains contrasting reactions to a child’s negative behavior. She contrasts the traditional reaction, which often involves punishment and negative labels, with the "Good Inside" approach.
Punishment Confuses Child's Identity With Behavior, Causing Disconnection and Escalating Misbehavior
In a traditional punishment-first response, a parent might react solely to a child's behavior. Kennedy states that this mindset could worry about what is wrong with the child, leading parents to discipline in the moment without considering the long-term impact. The child's bad behavior might make them seem "bad" to the parent, resulting in punishment that could relieve parental frustration short-term but may not have long-term effectiveness. Research suggested punishment's immediate emotional expression doesn't correlate with valuable long-term behavioral change.
Feelings-Focused Lacks Boundaries and Leadership, Letting Child "Vomit" Emotions Onto Parent Without Consequence
Kennedy also cautions against an overcorrection, where a parent is so focused on their child’s feelings that it results in a lack of boundaries. A purely feelings-focused reaction, she says, fails to hold the child accountable for their behavior, making the parent a container for frustrations without setting limits.
"Good Inside" Approach Maintains Boundaries, Connects To Child's Goodness, and Develops Behavior Skills
Kennedy advocates for a balanced "Good Inside" approach, which aims to recognize a child's inherent goodness while offering them the chance to understand their behavior and develop better skills.
Parents Using the "Good Inside" Approach Lead With Calm Conviction, Not Reactivity or Permissiveness
The "Good Inside" approach is neither soft nor permissive; it focuses on being calm and avoiding reactivity. Kennedy explains that although this requires parents to manage their emotions without the relief of reacting, the approach leads to better outcomes and connections with the chi ...
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"Explaining the 'Good Inside' Parenting Approach and Its Differences"
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Clarifications
- The "Good Inside" parenting approach emphasizes maintaining boundaries while recognizing a child's inherent goodness. It involves collaborating with the child to understand their behavior and develop better skills. This approach focuses on leading with calm conviction, avoiding reactivity or permissiveness. Parents using this approach affirm a child's goodness while setting clear boundaries and working together on issues.
- The "Good Inside" approach differs from traditional methods by focusing on recognizing a child's inherent goodness while addressing their behavior and fostering skill development. Traditional methods often rely on punishment and negative labels, potentially leading to a disconnect between the child's identity and their actions. The "Good Inside" approach emphasizes maintaining boundaries, connecting with the child's positive qualities, and collaborating to understand and improve behaviors. It advocates for a balanced approach that combines discipline with compassion, aiming for long-term effectiveness and positive outcomes.
- Punishment can lead a child to associate their behavior with their identity, causing disconnection and escalating misbehavior. This can result in the child feeling labeled as "bad" by the parent, impacting their self-perception and potentially leading to short-term relief for the parent but not long-term behavioral change. Research suggests that immediate emotional reactions through punishment may not effectively promote lasting positive behavior modifications.
- In the context of parenting, a feelings-focused approach may prioritize validating a child's emotions over setting clear boundaries and providing strong leadership. This can lead to a situation where the child's emotional expression is not guided towards constructive outcomes, potentially resulting in a lack of accountability for their behavior. Without firm boundaries and leadership, the parent-child dynamic may become imbalanced, with the parent serving more as a receptacle for the child's emotions rather than a guide in shaping behavior.
- Maintaining boundaries in parenting involves setting clear limits and expectations for behavior, which helps children understand what is acceptable and guides them in developing self-control. Connecting to a child's goodness means recognizing and affirming their positive qualities and inherent worth, fostering a strong sense of self-esteem and security. Developing behavior skills entails teaching children how to manage their emotions, communicate effectively, and make positive choices, empowering them to navigate challenges and interact with others in a constructive manner. These aspects work together to create a supportive and nurturing environment that promotes healthy emotional development and positive relationships between parents and children.
- Leading with calm conviction in parenting involves maintaining a composed demeanor while asserting authority and guidance. It means making decisions based on a strong belief in what is best for the child, without bein ...
Counterarguments
- The "Good Inside" approach may not be universally applicable, as different children may respond to discipline and compassion in unique ways.
- Punishment, when applied appropriately and consistently, can be an effective tool for teaching children about consequences and responsibility.
- A feelings-focused approach can teach children emotional intelligence and the importance of expressing emotions in a healthy way.
- The "Good Inside" approach requires a high level of emotional regulation from parents, which may not always be feasible in stressful situations.
- Leading with calm conviction may not always be interpreted by the child as leadership, potentially leading to confusion or a lack of clear authority.
- Collaboration with the child assumes a le ...
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Evaluating if a Parenting Approach "Works"
Kennedy opens up a discussion on the complexities of evaluating the success of parenting methods, suggesting that it’s not just about immediate results but also about what is happening beneath the surface over time.
Evaluating Parenting Approaches Beyond Immediate Behavioral Changes
Skill-Building in Swimming and Parenting: Focus On Process, Not Just Outcomes
Kennedy compares the process of assessing behavioral changes in children to observing a child learn how to swim. She emphasizes that while we can see some changes, like how they can hold their breath or move their arms better, much of their progress, such as developing confidence or overcoming fear, happens where we can't see it. She warns against giving up on a parenting approach too quickly just because the change isn’t overtly visible, reminding us that real learning and growth often occur beneath the surface.
Determining if a Parenting Approach "Works" By Considering Factors Like:
Belief in Child's Learning Methods?
Kennedy urges parents to reflect on whether they genuinely believe in the child's learning methods being used. This belief is essential because it is the foundation upon which the child builds their skills.
Signs of Progress, Despite No Major Changes?
She also encourages parents to look for incremental signs of improvement as an indication that the methods are effective, even if there aren’t any groundbreaking or immediate changes. These small steps forward are crucial ...
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Evaluating if a Parenting Approach "Works"
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While long-term effects are important, immediate results can also be indicative of whether a parenting approach is effective or needs adjustment.
- Some skills and behaviors are more easily observable than others, and relying solely on less visible signs of progress might lead to overlooking important issues that need to be addressed.
- Belief in a child's learning methods is important, but it should be balanced with evidence-based practices and adaptability to the child's changing needs.
- Incremental improvements are valuable, but there may be situations where significant changes are necessary, and the lack thereof could signal that a different approach is needed.
- Providing opportunities to practice new skills is crucial, but it is also important to ensure that these opportunities are structured in a way that maximizes learning and doesn't lead to reinforcement of incorrect or undesirable behaviors.
- While focusing ...
Actionables
- Create a "Growth Diary" to track your child's development over time, focusing on subtle changes and behaviors that indicate learning. Start by jotting down daily or weekly observations of your child's actions, particularly when they are trying something new or practicing a skill. This could be as simple as noting their persistence in tying shoelaces or their use of new vocabulary. Over time, this diary will help you see the gradual progress that might not be immediately apparent.
- Develop a "Skill-Building Game Plan" that outlines specific, regular opportunities for your child to practice new abilities in a supportive environment. For example, if your child is learning to read, you might schedule 15 minutes of reading time together each evening, using books that gradually increase in difficulty. Or, if they're working on social skills, arrange playdates with a variety of peers to give them a range of interaction experiences.
- Engage in reflective discussions with your child about their l ...
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Addressing Challenges With a Skeptical Parenting Partner
Kennedy explores strategies for managing parenting approach differences that can often feel adversarial and burdensome for one parent when dealing with a skeptical partner.
Skeptical Partner Exhausts and Frustrates Parent Embracing "Good Inside" Approach
Kennedy expresses understanding that having a partner who is skeptical of the "Good Inside" parenting approach can be exhausting and frustrating. She acknowledges that it can often feel like one partner is shouldering the majority of the parenting work and is intent on addressing this issue.
Parenting Approach Differences Can Feel Adversarial, Burdening one Parent
In a situation with a skeptical parenting partner, the differences can seem adversarial and may disproportionately burden one parent.
Invite Skeptical Partners For Non-judgmental "Good Inside" Conversations
Kennedy offers a way forward - to invite skeptical partners to listen together, which can help make the relationship less adversarial and reinforce the idea that both parents are on the same team.
Forum: Podcasts or Workshops on Criticisms of the "Good Inside" Approach With Input From Presenter and Skeptical Partner
Kennedy discusses the potential for opening dialogue with skeptical partners. She suggests the idea of using podcasts or workshops as a platform for these discussions. The intent is to not convince skeptical partners, but rather to have open conversations about common concerns, fears, and criticisms of the "Good Inside" ap ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Addressing Challenges With a Skeptical Parenting Partner
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Skeptical partners may have valid concerns based on their own experiences or research that should not be dismissed simply because they do not align with the "Good Inside" approach.
- Non-judgmental conversations assume both partners are open to change, but this may not always be the case, and pushing for such discussions could lead to further conflict.
- Podcasts and workshops may not be the preferred learning or communication style for every individual, and some may find these methods ineffective or unappealing.
- Watching a workshop together presupposes that both partners have the time and willingness to engage in such activities, which might not be realistic for all couples.
- The idea of becoming a team where differences can be constructively discussed is idealistic and may not account for deeper relationship issues that could hinder su ...
Actionables
- Create a shared parenting journal to document and reflect on daily interactions with your children, allowing both you and your skeptical partner to observe and discuss parenting moments without immediate pressure. By writing down what happened, how each of you responded, and the outcomes, you can later review these entries together to identify patterns, understand each other's perspectives, and discuss alternative approaches in a calm and collected manner.
- Develop a "Parenting Playbook" where you both contribute ideas, strategies, and philosophies about raising your children, which can serve as a living document for ongoing collaboration. This playbook can include sections for each parent to outline their thoughts on various situations, a mutual agreement section for strategies you both support, and an experimental section for new ideas you're both willing to try. This approach turns parenting from a potential conflict zone into a cooperative game plan.
- Init ...
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