Revisit - How Dare You Speak to Me That Way
In this Good Inside with Dr. Becky episode, Dr. Becky Kennedy and Myleik Teele reframe how parents view children's "disrespectful" behavior. They suggest these actions often stem from unmet emotional needs rather than intentional disrespect. The guests explore how fears and biases can lead parents to misinterpret child behavior through an adult lens.
The discussion also touches on emotion regulation for both parents and children. Kennedy emphasizes the importance of modeling healthy emotion management while allowing children space to develop emotional skills over time. Additionally, Teele highlights the unique challenges Black families face in fostering agency and self-worth in their children.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Dec 31, 2024 episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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1-Page Summary
Reframing "disrespect" in child behavior
Myleik Teele and Becky Kennedy suggest redefining "disrespectful" child behaviors as expressions of unmet emotional needs and developmental stages. Kennedy proposes interpreting actions like threatening to slap a parent not as disrespect, but as signs the child needs help developing essential life skills.
The role of fear vs. respect
Kennedy explains how respect rooted in fear, rather than trust, can limit a child's range of behaviors and stunt their emotional growth. A seemingly respectful child may simply be afraid to explore and develop coping mechanisms.
Recognizing parental biases
Teele and Kennedy emphasize the need for parents to scrutinize their own expectations and fears that could lead to misinterpreting child behavior through an adult lens.
Emotion regulation for parents and children
Modeling healthy emotion management
Kennedy stresses that parents must manage their own emotions to effectively guide children. She notes that even adults can lose sight of appreciation due to anger or frustration.
The developmental nature of emotional skills
Citing her own experience, Teele shares how she responded to her son slapping her with patience, recognizing his emotional struggle. Kennedy explains that gratitude and emotional control develop over time - punishing outbursts undermines this process.
Fostering empowerment and agency
Providing opportunities to feel powerful
Kennedy and Teele advocate giving children safe outlets, like banging on the floor, to explore power and impact. This cultivates self-worth and assertiveness.
Unique challenges for Black families
Teele highlights how Black parents face added pressures around perceived "respectability" and safety concerns, which can lead to overpolicing of child behavior. She calls for a supportive home environment where Black children can develop agency.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While redefining "disrespectful" behaviors can be helpful, it's important to also teach children about societal norms and expectations regarding respect.
- Some behaviors, such as threatening physical violence, may require immediate and clear boundaries to ensure safety and teach that violence is unacceptable.
- Respect based on fear is not ideal, but it's also crucial to instill a sense of respect for authority figures, which can contribute to a child's ability to function in society.
- Parental biases are important to recognize, but there can also be cultural or familial values that are important to maintain and pass on to children.
- While parents should manage their own emotions, it's also necessary for them to express a range of emotions, including frustration, to model realistic emotional responses.
- Punishment for outbursts may not be the most effective strategy, but consistent consequences for certain behaviors are part of teaching children about accountability.
- Providing outlets for children to feel powerful is beneficial, but it's also important to teach them about the appropriate use of power and its impact on others.
- The unique challenges faced by Black families are real, but strategies for fostering empowerment and agency should be inclusive and adaptable to the needs of all families, regardless of race.
- Overpolicing child behavior can be detrimental, but setting clear expectations and guidelines is also part of creating a structured environment that can help children feel secure.
Actionables
- You can create a "feelings journal" for your child to draw or write about their emotions, which helps them identify and express their needs without acting out. By providing a dedicated space for self-expression, children learn to articulate their feelings, which can reduce instances of disrespectful behavior. For example, after a challenging interaction, encourage your child to use the journal to depict what they felt during the moment, fostering a habit of reflection and self-awareness.
- Develop a "cool-down corner" in your home with calming activities and tools, like stress balls or coloring books, to offer a constructive way for your child to manage emotions. This space serves as a physical reminder for both you and your child that taking a break to regroup is a healthy response to overwhelming feelings. When you notice your child getting frustrated or about to lash out, gently guide them to the cool-down corner to help them regain composure.
- Initiate regular family meetings where each member, regardless of age, can voice concerns and offer solutions, reinforcing the concept of mutual respect and shared power. This practice encourages open dialogue and gives children a sense of agency in family decisions, which can build their self-worth and assertiveness. During these meetings, discuss topics like household rules, upcoming events, or any issues that have arisen, ensuring everyone, including the children, has a turn to speak and be heard.
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Reframing "disrespect" and understanding child behavior
Myleik Teele and Becky Kennedy delve into redefining the concept of "disrespect" in child behavior and emphasize understanding challenging behaviors as part of the child's developmental process and emotional expression.
The importance of shifting our perspective on challenging child behaviors
Teele and Kennedy explore how child behaviors, often perceived as "disrespectful," should be seen from a different perspective. Kennedy implies that considering the child’s behaviors as reflective of their underlying emotional needs and developmental stage can offer a more constructive approach than simply viewing them as disrespectful.
Rather than viewing a child's actions through the lens of "disrespect," we should consider how the behavior may reflect their underlying emotional needs and developmental stage.
Kennedy suggests that when a child says they will slap their parent, instead of labeling this behavior as disrespectful, we should see it as a sign that the child is struggling and displaying the skills they need to develop for life. It’s more helpful to interpret challenging actions as indicators of the child’s emotional state and the competences that need nurturing.
The role of fear vs. respect in shaping a child's behavior
Kennedy discusses how fear and respect can be confused when it comes to understanding a child's behavior. She suggests that children are likely to exhibit a broader range of behaviors, including negative ones, when they are not fearing their parents.
Children who are more fearful of their parents may exhibit a narrower range of behaviors, which could be mistaken for "respect," but this does not necessarily indicate healthy emotion regulation.
Kennedy elucidates that a child who appears more respectful may be acting out of fear, limiting their display of behaviors and stifling the development of essential coping skills for life.
Recognizing our own biases and expectations when interpreting child behavior
Both Teele and Kennedy underscore the importance of parents in scrutinizing their own biases and e ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Reframing "disrespect" and understanding child behavior
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While understanding the emotional needs and developmental stage of a child is important, it is also necessary to teach children about societal norms and expectations regarding respect.
- Some behaviors may indeed be disrespectful, and it is important for children to learn about boundaries and the impact of their actions on others.
- Fear is not the only alternative to respect; there are other ways to foster respect without inducing fear, such as through positive reinforcement and modeling respectful behavior.
- A child's broader range of behaviors when not fearing their parents could sometimes include testing limits in ways that are not constructive or safe, and parents need to guide and set boundaries.
- It is possible that some children who exhibit a narrower range of behaviors are not acting out of fear but have a naturally more reserved temperament or have been taught self-regulation effectively.
- While it is important to avoid projecting fears and experiences onto a child's actions, it is also important for parents to use their life experiences to guide and protect their children.
- Recognizing biases and expectations is important, but parents also need to trust their instincts and insights ...
Actionables
- Develop a "behavior translation" journal where you record challenging behaviors and hypothesize about the emotional needs or developmental stages they might reflect. For example, if your child throws a tantrum when it's time to leave the playground, instead of viewing it as defiance, consider that they might be struggling with transitions or expressing a need for more play. Write down the behavior, your initial interpretation, and then a list of possible emotional needs or developmental reasons behind it. Over time, this can help you see patterns and better understand your child's behavior.
- Create a "fearless behavior spectrum" chart to observe and categorize the range of your child's behaviors without the influence of fear. On one side, list behaviors you typically associate with respect, and on the other, list a variety of behaviors that may occur when your child feels safe and not fearful. Regularly review and update the chart to reflect on how your child's behavior changes in different emotional states and environments, helping you to discern between fear-based compliance and genuine respect.
- Start a "bias check-in" routine where you reflect on your own childhood experiences and how they may color y ...
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Emotion regulation for parents and children
The discourse reveals that when parents have strong emotional responses, like feeling unappreciated, it's crucial they manage these feelings to effectively guide their children.
The importance of parents modeling healthy emotion management
Becky Kennedy reflects on how emotions such as anger or frustration can even cause adults to temporarily lose sight of appreciation, as she's experienced with her husband. She points out that parents, by acting as a coach who is most influential during practice, must manage their own emotions to be effective guides for their children. Kennedy emphasizes that parents should be the safe adult with whom a child can express a wide range of feelings, which gives the parent the most impact in their child's life. She also underlines the importance of self-soothing for parents and stresses that seeking validation from the behavior of young children is ill-advised.
Understanding the developmental nature of a child's emotional skills
Children’s big emotions can overwhelm them, blocking access to higher-order thinking and feelings like appreciation, Kennedy notes, emphasizing the developmental nature of emotional skills and the fact that these abilities take time to develop. Myleik Teele shares how instead of reacting harshly when her son slapped her, she reassured him of her love, recognizing that he was having a tough time.
Kennedy explains that appreciation and gratitude are sophisticated emotions that evolve over time. She warns against punitive responses to a child's emotional outbursts, indicating that this can undermine their ability to learn healthy emotion regulation. Further, Kennedy points out that while inducing fear can enforce compliance in the short term, it does not teach long-term emotional management and may lead to violent outbreaks later in life.
Kennedy contends that bad beh ...
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Emotion regulation for parents and children
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Counterarguments
- While managing emotions is important, it's also natural for parents to show a range of emotions, including negative ones, as it can teach children that it's normal to feel and express a variety of feelings.
- Some argue that seeking validation from children's behavior, to a certain extent, can be a natural part of parenting and can motivate parents to continue nurturing and engaging with their children.
- There is a perspective that suggests punitive measures, when applied judiciously and explained properly, can be part of teaching children about consequences and responsibility.
- The idea that setting boundaries is solely about what the parent will do might not encompass the full scope of boundary-setting, which can also involve clear expectations for the child's behavior.
- Silence from a caregiver can sometime ...
Actionables
- Create a "feelings journal" for open communication where you and your child can write down emotions and responses to different situations. This encourages emotional expression in a non-confrontational way and provides a space for reflection on how emotions are managed. For example, after a challenging day, you might write about feeling frustrated but choosing to take deep breaths, which can show your child a healthy coping mechanism.
- Develop a family "emotion charter" that outlines how emotions are handled at home, including a commitment to avoid punitive measures during emotional outbursts. This can be a collaborative activity where each family member contributes ideas, such as taking a time-in together to discuss feelings instead of a time-out, which can reinforce the concept of emotional support without shame.
- Introduce a "co ...
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Fostering a sense of empowerment and agency in children
The conversation led by experts suggests strategies to foster empowerment and agency in children, while also acknowledging the unique challenges faced by Black families in encouraging these qualities.
Providing opportunities for children to feel powerful and impactful
Kennedy asserts that children’s aggressive statements often reflect a need to feel empowered. Understanding what lies behind such expressions can guide parents in addressing their children's actions effectively.
Allowing children to express their needs and desires in safe, constructive ways can help build their self-worth and confidence.
Kennedy and Becky emphasize that it’s natural for children to experiment with power and impact, such as saying certain words for attention. They believe children should be given the opportunity to explore and understand power within the safety of their home. By providing alternatives for acting on strong feelings, like banging on the floor, children can channel their feelings and feel empowered without causing harm.
Kennedy highlights the importance of letting children feel impactful, suggesting that this lays the foundation for them to handle emotions throughout their lives respectfully. Using choices and pretend play can give them a sense of power in appropriate ways. Dr. Becky Kennedy states that this experience of power, which is associated with self-worth, is essential for children to develop into adults who are assertive, capable of setting boundaries, and comfortable expressing desires.
Acknowledging the unique challenges faced by Black families in this regard
Teele brings attention to the extra layer of concern Black parents face regarding the safety and conduct of their children in public spaces. Black families often emphasize manners and respectability in their upbringing, partly out of fear for their children’s safety.
There is an additional layer of concern around keeping Black children "respectable" to protect them, which can ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Fostering a sense of empowerment and agency in children
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While fostering a sense of empowerment is important, it's also crucial to teach children about the responsibilities that come with power and the importance of using it ethically.
- Encouraging children to express their needs and desires must be balanced with teaching them empathy and consideration for the needs and desires of others.
- Providing a safe environment for children to explore power dynamics is beneficial, but it's also important to prepare them for the fact that real-world power structures can be complex and sometimes unjust.
- Alternatives for acting on strong feelings are useful, but children also need to learn how to cope with situations where they cannot express their emotions freely, such as in certain public or formal settings.
- While it's important for children to feel impactful, they should also understand that some situations require patience and that immediate impact isn't always possible or appropriate.
- Choices and pretend play are valuable tools, but children should also be prepared for scenarios where their choices are limited and where they must adapt to pre-existing rules or structures.
- The focus on empowerment and assertiveness must be balanced with the development of other skills such as negotiation, compromise, and the ability to follow leadership when appropriate.
- While Black families may face unique challenges, it's important to recognize that the need for balance between empowerment and safety is not exclusive to any one community and can vary widely within communities as well.
- Emphasizing manners and resp ...
Actionables
- You can create a "decision day" where your child makes all the choices for the family activities, meals, and even rules for the day, giving them a sense of control and power within a safe and monitored environment. This could involve letting them choose a special outing, what to have for dinner, or how to spend family time, ensuring they understand the consequences of their choices within the safety of the family unit.
- Develop a "feelings journal" with your child where they can draw or write about their emotions and the actions they wish they could take when they're feeling strong emotions. This allows them to express themselves in a constructive way and helps you understand their needs better. You can then discuss these entries together, exploring alternative ways to handle these emotions in real-life situations.
- Initiate a role-play gam ...
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