Revisit - Reparenting With the In-Laws
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, a caller seeks advice on navigating the differing parenting philosophies between herself and her partner's family. The discussion centers around strategies for reinforcing the caller's values and cycle-breaking approach amidst contrasting messaging from grandparents on topics like gender roles, emotional expression, and defining "good" behavior.
Dr. Becky suggests empowering children by highlighting these differences and fostering critical thinking about diverse mindsets. She emphasizes creating reflective spaces for children to comprehend varying norms and develop resilience, while affirming the caller's intentional parenting style focused on reinforcing her values.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Dec 17, 2024 episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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1-Page Summary
Balancing Differing Parenting Approaches
A caller faces the challenge of navigating the involvement of her partner's family while aiming to parent differently from how she was raised. Kennedy suggests strategies for reinforcing the caller's values amidst contradicting messages from grandparents.
Navigating Contrasting Parenting Philosophies
The caller values the support of her partner's family but struggles with their differing perspectives on gender roles, emotional expression, and "good" behavior, which clash with her cycle-breaking approach. Her mother-in-law's comments about appearance and stifling emotions highlight these tensions.
Empowering Children by Highlighting Differences
Rather than changing her in-laws, Kennedy advises the caller to discuss with her children the grandparents' comments that don't align with her philosophy. Pointing out differences like "Grandma says different things about feelings" helps children understand distinct mindsets and internalize their family's values.
Creating Reflective Spaces
By asking reflective questions and preparing children for differing reactions, Kennedy suggests the caller can help them comprehend varying norms and develop resilience. "You've created space...It's enough for someone to say, 'Huh, huh,'" she notes, emphasizing the value of fostering critical thinking about diverse approaches.
An Engaged, Intentional Approach
The caller's detailed observation of messages her children receive demonstrates an intentional, cycle-breaking parenting style. While aiming for alignment with the "village" isn't always feasible, Kennedy affirms the caller's focus on reinforcing her values empowers children to form their own perspectives.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While discussing grandparents' differing views can be beneficial, it may also confuse children if not done carefully, especially if they are very young and still developing their ability to understand nuanced perspectives.
- Highlighting differences in values might inadvertently lead to a sense of division or conflict between the child and their grandparents, which could affect family relationships.
- The approach of fostering critical thinking is important, but it must be age-appropriate. Too much emphasis on critical analysis of family members' views could place an emotional burden on children.
- Reflective questions are useful, but there's a risk of leading the child to the "correct" answer, which might limit their ability to form truly independent perspectives.
- The caller's detailed observation and intentional parenting are commendable, but there's a risk of overanalyzing or overcorrecting, which could create its own set of issues, such as anxiety or an overly critical worldview.
- Empowering children to form their own perspectives is important, but they also need guidance and clear frameworks to develop a secure sense of self, which might sometimes require more direct instruction rather than open-ended reflection.
- The advice assumes that the caller's values are preferable to those of the grandparents, which may not always be the case; grandparents may have valuable experiences and perspectives that could benefit the children.
- The strategy of reinforcing the caller's values might not take into account the children's natural inclinations and personalities, which could lead to a clash between the children's authentic selves and the values being reinforced.
Actionables
- Create a family values vision board with your children to visually reinforce the principles you want to instill. Gather magazines, stickers, and markers, and guide your children in selecting images and words that represent the values you cherish as a family. This activity not only promotes family bonding but also serves as a constant visual reminder of your shared values, which can be referred to when discussing differing opinions they encounter.
- Develop a "Values and Reactions Diary" for your children to record and reflect on the different perspectives they come across. Encourage them to write or draw about their encounters with differing viewpoints, how they felt, and how they responded. This diary can be a private space for them to process their thoughts and feelings, and it can also be a conversation starter for discussing how to navigate and respect diverse perspectives while maintaining their own values.
- Organize a monthly "What If?" game night where you and your children explore hypothetical scenarios involving conflicting values. Use role-play or storytelling to present situations where they might encounter differing opinions on gender roles, emotional expression, and behavior. Discuss possible reactions and strategies for dealing with these situations, which can help your children practice resilience and critical thinking in a fun and engaging way.
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Navigating differing parenting philosophies and approaches between the caller's family and her in-laws
A caller shares the struggles of balancing the involvement and perspectives of her in-laws with her own cycle-breaking parenting style. She is dedicated to maintaining the supportive relationships her partner’s family provides while safeguarding her children from what she believes are harmful behaviors and beliefs perpetuated by them.
The caller faces a unique challenge in balancing the support and involvement of her in-laws with her desire to parent differently than how she was raised.
The caller and her partner are fortunate to have a supportive village, comprised primarily of her partner's family. However, they are committed to re-parenting and encounter challenges due to differing behaviors, patterns, and ways of operating around children, specifically those inherited from her partner’s family of origin. The caller aims to nurture the key connections with her in-laws while preventing certain behaviors they view as harmful from influencing their children.
The caller's in-laws have different perspectives on gender roles, the expression of emotions, and the concept of "good" behavior, which clash with the caller's intentional, cycle-breaking approach to parenting.
The caller, who is re-parenting and wishes to break certain patterns passed down from her own upbringing, notes how reactions and comments from the mother-in-law especially resonate with and sometimes clash against her parenting intentions. An instance where her in-laws' focus on appearance began affecting her daughter demonstrates this tension—despite the caller’s efforts to emphasize inner qualities over appearance, such nuances fail to stick with her in-laws. They also seem uncomfortable with her older daughter's emotions, initially telling her not to cry and later attempting to appease her just to prevent tears, revealing a discomfort with the child's natural expression of feelings.
Kennedy proposes a conversation about handling scenarios where others—such as the caller's in-laws—endorse values that collide with personal parenting philosophies. The mother-in-law enforces narratives that associate "being good" with conforming to certain behaviors, like suggesting that her older granddaughter should behave well and be responsible as the elder sibling, to set an example for her younger sister.
The caller expresses her intention to keep the concept of her older daughter being responsible for her younger sister's behavior separat ...
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Navigating differing parenting philosophies and approaches between the caller's family and her in-laws
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Clarifications
- Re-parenting is a form of therapy where the therapist acts as a surrogate parental figure to address psychological issues stemming from past inadequate or abusive parenting. This approach aims to help individuals heal from the effects of early negative experiences and develop healthier emotional patterns. It involves reworking the client's internal parent-child dynamics to promote healing and growth, often drawing from transactional analysis theory. Reparenting can be used to address a range of mental health challenges believed to be rooted in early caregiving experiences.
- A cycle-breaking parenting style involves consciously choosing to break negative patterns or behaviors passed down through generations within a family. It focuses on identifying and changing harmful parenting practices to create a healthier environment for the current generation of children. Parents who adopt this approach aim to break the cycle of dysfunction or harmful beliefs that may have been present in their own upbringing. This style emphasizes self-awareness, intentional decision-making, and creating a more positive and nurturing family dynamic.
- Inherited behaviors, patterns, and ways of operating around children typically refer to the parenting styles, beliefs, and practices that are passed down from one generation to another within a family. These can include approaches to discipline, communication, emotional expression, and values that shape how children are raised and interacted with. These inherited aspects can influence how parents interact with their own children, either by continuing these patterns or by consciously choosing to break away from them to create a different parenting environment. Understanding these inherited behaviors is crucial in recognizing how they impact parenting decisions and relationships within a family.
- Kennedy suggests initiating a conversation to address situations where family members uphold values that clash with one's parenting beliefs. This dialogue can help establish boundaries and mutual understanding between different parenting approaches. By openly discussing these differences, parents can navigate conflicts and strive for a harmonious coexistence of varied perspectives within the family dynamic. The goal is to foster respect for each other's viewpoints while prioritizing the well-being and upbringing of the children involved.
- Traditional female expectations typically encompass societal norms and roles that have historically been assigned to women, of ...
Counterarguments
- It's natural for different generations to have varying parenting philosophies, and it can be beneficial for children to be exposed to diverse viewpoints and approaches.
- The in-laws' experiences and traditional values might offer stability and a sense of continuity that can be positive for children when balanced with progressive parenting methods.
- Emphasizing appearance or traditional gender roles is not inherently harmful; it can become problematic only if it limits a child's potential or causes distress.
- The concept of "being good" and setting an example as an older sibling can teach responsibility and leadership skills, which are valuable traits for personal development.
- Emotional regulation is an important skill, and while it's crucial to allow children to express their emotions, it's also important to guide them in managing those emotions effectively.
- The caller's desire for a gender-neutral and emotionally accepting atmosphere is commendable, but it's also important to prepare children for a world where they will encounter a wide range of beliefs and behaviors.
- The grandparents' advice to not throw tantrums or to behave in a specific way might stem from a concern for social etiquette and the child's ability to adapt to various ...
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Strategies for reinforcing the caller's values and parenting approach with her children despite the contradicting messages from grandparents
The caller’s concern about the impact of differing narratives from grandparents upon her children leads to an exploration of strategies for reinforcing her own parenting values.
Rather than focusing on changing the in-laws' behavior, the caller can empower her children by highlighting the differences between her family's approach and the grandparents' perspectives.
Kennedy suggests that the caller discuss with her children the comments made by the grandparents that don’t align with her own parenting philosophy. This can be done by making observations or asking questions to help the children recognize and understand different parenting philosophies without attempting to change the in-laws' behavior directly.
For instance, if the grandmother says something about feelings that doesn’t align with the caller’s views, Kennedy advises addressing this later with the child to reaffirm her values—such as reassuring the child that they are good regardless of their actions.
The caller can use these moments as opportunities to reaffirm her family's values and teach her children that there is more than one way to approach parenting.
Kennedy reassures the caller that children being exposed to different narratives is not detrimental; in fact, such exposure can actually be an opportunity to highlight and discuss the family's distinct values. Kennedy mentions the difference in how the grandmother might handle a child's frustration with a puzzle as opposed to encouraging the child's autonomy and emotional management.
Kennedy suggests that rather than worrying about the in-laws, the caller can focus on small, impactful actions with her child, such as discussion points to explore different handling methods—like speaking about how they would manage things at home versus how a school or grandparents might use sticker charts or write names on the board for bad behavior.
The caller is encouraged to use asking questions as a strategy, such as during the ride to the grandparents’ house, to teach the children to consider how the grandparents might react differently than the parents in certain situations. This helps the children notice the differences and internalize their family's methods when faced with contrasting behaviors.
Noticing statements like "Grandma says different things about fe ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Strategies for reinforcing the caller's values and parenting approach with her children despite the contradicting messages from grandparents
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While discussing discrepancies in values can be beneficial, it's important to ensure that children don't feel caught in the middle of a values conflict, which could lead to stress or anxiety.
- There is a risk that by highlighting differences in parenting approaches, children might start to question the authority or wisdom of their grandparents, potentially undermining the grandparents' role in their lives.
- Children are impressionable, and while the intention is to teach them about different approaches, they might inadvertently learn to be critical or dismissive of others' views that don't align with their primary caregiver's.
- The strategy assumes that the caller's parenting philosophy is preferable or superior to that of the grandparents, which may not always be the case; grandparents can have valuable experience and insights that could benefit the children.
- The approach of discussing and questioning the grandparents' methods might inadvertently teach children to be less accepting of diversity in thought and practice outside their immediate family.
- Reinforcing the family's values is important, but it should be balanced with tea ...
Actionables
- Create a family values vision board with your children to visually represent your family's beliefs and use it as a reference when discussing differing opinions from other family members. Explain to your children that the vision board represents what your family stands for and show them how other approaches, like those of their grandparents, might differ but are also valid in their own context.
- Develop a "Values Journal" for your children where they can write or draw about experiences that felt different from what they're used to at home, including interactions with grandparents. Use this journal as a basis for regular discussions, helping them to articulate their thoughts and feelings about these differences and reinforcing your family's values through contrast and comparison.
- Organize a "Family Values Game Night" where ...
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The importance of intentional, cycle-breaking parenting when the "village" involved in raising children has differing views
When raising children, the involvement of extended family and friends, each with their own set of beliefs and parenting styles, can present challenges. A caller with an acute sense of the messages her children are receiving emphasizes the importance of intentional parenting within these dynamics.
The caller's detailed observation and sensitivity to the messages her children are receiving is a strength, as it allows her to be a more purposeful parent.
The caller expresses awareness that her older daughter is beginning to absorb narratives from those around her. Her attention to the details of her surroundings and the ability to notice contradictions with her desired parenting approach demonstrate her commitment to raising her children intentionally.
However, the caller may feel pressure to have the "village" align with her parenting philosophy, which is not always possible.
Kennedy acknowledges the importance of the caller being aware of the fact that her children are exposed to varying perspectives, which represents her engaged and deliberate approach to parenting. Yet, the caller may feel a pressing need for the "village"—grandparents, family members, and others involved in the upbringing of her children—to share in her philosophy of parenting, which may prove to be a challenging task.
By focusing on reinforcing her own values and creating space for her children to recognize the differences, the caller can empower her children to develop their own perspective and resilience.
Instead of attempting to change the grandparents' or caregivers' viewpoints, Kennedy suggests that the caller's strategy should be to strengthen the communication of her own values to her children. By openly recognizing and discussing the grandparent's differing views, the caller can guide her child to understand that there are many different beliefs and that theirs may not always align with those of the family.
Kennedy advises on the concept of protection versus preparation, emphasizing the benefit of children hearing different opinions while they are under the care of their family rather than being insulated from them. This way, the children can potentially become agents of change, equipped to understand and process a variety of experiences.
Sharing stories of breaking intergenerational cycles can serve as powerful tools, especially when conveyed by the other parent. Kenn ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The importance of intentional, cycle-breaking parenting when the "village" involved in raising children has differing views
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Counterarguments
- While detailed observation and sensitivity are strengths, they can also lead to overprotectiveness or anxiety, which might inadvertently affect the child's ability to handle diverse situations independently.
- The desire for the "village" to align with one's parenting philosophy might overlook the benefits of children being exposed to a variety of viewpoints, which can foster adaptability and critical thinking.
- Reinforcing one's own values is important, but it should not come at the expense of teaching children to respect and understand other perspectives, even if they differ significantly from their own.
- The strategy of not trying to change the grandparents' viewpoints assumes that the grandparents' beliefs do not have any positive elements worth integrating into the children's upbringing.
- The concept of children becoming agents of change assumes that the children will adopt the parent's values and use them to influence others, which may not always be the case as children develop their own unique set of values.
- Sharing stories of breaking intergenerational cycles can be powerful, but it also needs to be balanced with stories that honor positive traditions and legacies within the family.
- While parents play a crucial role in mediating external messages, it is also important ...
Actionables
- You can create a "values journal" for your family where each member, including children, writes about their daily experiences and how they align with the family's core values. This practice encourages reflection and helps children articulate their understanding of the values they're being taught. For example, after a visit to their grandparents, they might write about a situation where they noticed a difference in perspective and how they navigated it.
- Develop a "perspective map" activity where you and your children draw out the different viewpoints they encounter, like a mind map, and connect them to the family's values. This visual tool can help children see the diversity of thoughts and opinions as a web of ideas rather than conflicting messages. They can add to this map whenever they encounter new opinions, which helps them process and place these perspectives in relation to their own beliefs.
- Start a routine of "dinner ta ...
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1-Page Summary- Navigating differing parenting philosophies and approaches between the caller's family and her in-laws
- Strategies for reinforcing the caller's values and parenting approach with her children despite the contradicting messages from grandparents
- The importance of intentional, cycle-breaking parenting when the "village" involved in raising children has differing views
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