How to Not Raise an @$$h0le - Part 2
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Kennedy explains that entitlement stems not from materialism, but an inability to endure discomfort or frustration. She explores how parents often shield children from minor inconveniences, inadvertently reinforcing a sense of indignance at having to experience negative emotions.
Kennedy provides key strategies for helping children build resilience and coping skills instead of fostering entitlement. These include exposing kids to frustrating situations, validating their feelings while reinforcing their capacity to endure discomfort, and allowing them to push through challenges rather than solving problems for them. The discussion highlights the importance of facing adversity to cultivate resilience from a young age.
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1-Page Summary
Entitlement Is About Avoiding Discomfort, Not Materialism
As Becky Kennedy explains, entitlement stems from an intolerance of negative emotions like frustration or disappointment, rather than just materialism or possessions. When children melt down over not getting a desired toy or activity, it reflects a belief that they are entitled to avoid those uncomfortable feelings—not simply wanting the object itself.
Entitlement manifests as a sense of indignance, that one shouldn't have to endure minor inconveniences like waiting in line. Even adults exhibiting entitled behavior, like cutting in line, believe they are exempt from typical frustrations.
How Parents Can Unintentionally Foster Entitlement
When parents consistently shield children from frustrating situations by avoiding errands the child dislikes, Kennedy explains they teach kids they shouldn't have to experience negative emotions. Removing the child from, rather than helping them cope with, boring or annoying experiences reinforces that belief.
Building Resilience Instead of Entitlement
However, Kennedy advises that by exposing children to minor frustrations and discomforts instead of avoiding them, parents can build resilience. Key strategies include:
- Taking children on necessary but tedious errands like grocery shopping, without distractions
- Validating their feelings of boredom or frustration, while also reinforcing their ability to endure it
- Allowing children to experience discomfort and develop coping skills instead of rescuing them
By consistently helping children push through unpleasant situations, rather than solving the problem for them, Kennedy argues parents can prevent entitlement and foster resilience instead.
1-Page Summary
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Clarifications
- Entitlement often arises from a discomfort with negative emotions like frustration or disappointment, rather than solely from a desire for material possessions. This means that individuals may feel entitled to avoid unpleasant feelings or situations, leading to behaviors that reflect this belief. The focus is on the avoidance of discomfort rather than just the pursuit of material wealth or possessions. This perspective highlights how entitlement can be rooted in a resistance to facing and managing negative emotions.
- Entitlement can lead individuals to feel a sense of indignance towards minor inconveniences because they believe they deserve special treatment or exemptions from everyday frustrations. This attitude can make them react with irritation or anger when faced with situations that others may consider trivial or part of normal life. The entitlement mindset can create a belief that one's own comfort and convenience should always take precedence, leading to a lack of tolerance for inconveniences that others may readily accept. This can result in behaviors like cutting in line or expecting immediate gratification without regard for the impact on others.
- When parents shield children from frustrating situations, like avoiding errands the child dislikes, it can unintentionally foster entitlement. This is because consistently protecting children from negative emotions teaches them they shouldn't have to face discomfort or boredom. By not allowing children to experience and cope with minor frustrations, parents may inadvertently reinforce the belief that they are entitled to avoid such feelings.
- Exposing children to minor frustrations and discomforts is a strategy aimed at helping them develop resilience. This approach involves allowing children to face challenges and negative emotions in a controlled and supportive environment. By experiencing and learning to cope with minor setbacks, children can build emotional strength and adaptability. The goal is to teach children how to navigate and overcome obstacles, fostering a sense of resilience that can benefit them in various aspects of life.
Counterarguments
- Entitlement may also be influenced by societal and cultural factors, not solely by an individual's intolerance of negative emotions.
- Materialism can contribute to entitlement, as a consumerist culture may reinforce the idea that one deserves certain possessions.
- Some children may exhibit frustration not because of entitlement but due to developmental stages or unmet emotional needs.
- There are situations where what might be perceived as entitled behavior in adults could be due to urgent needs or circumstances rather than a belief that they are exempt from frustrations.
- Parents might avoid certain errands with children not to foster entitlement but to manage time effectively or reduce stress for both the child and themselves.
- Exposing children to frustration and discomfort without proper emotional support might lead to negative outcomes rather than resilience.
- The strategies suggested may not be universally applicable or effective for all children, as they may have different temperaments and coping capacities.
- There may be a balance to strike between exposing children to discomfort and ensuring they feel safe and supported, which is not fully addressed in the text.
- The concept of resilience itself can be complex, and there may be multiple ways to foster it beyond simply pushing through unpleasant situations.
- The text assumes that avoiding discomfort leads to entitlement, but there could be cases where avoiding certain discomforts is a reasonable adaptation to a child's needs or a family's unique situation.
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Definition and nature of entitlement
Entitlement is a psychological construct often misunderstood as mere materialism or greed. However, as Becky Kennedy explains, the essence of entitlement is less about possessions and more about an individual's inability to tolerate negative emotions.
Entitlement is not about materialism or money, but rather an intolerance of uncomfortable feelings and a fear of frustration.
Kennedy stresses that entitlement is fundamentally linked to an intolerance of uncomfortable emotions. When children, or even adults, do not possess the capacity to endure frustrations such as disappointment, being placed last, or ennui, they become susceptible and ill-prepared for real-world experiences that are replete with such discomforts.
Entitled behavior, such as a child's meltdown over not getting a desired toy or activity, stems from a belief that they should not have to experience negative emotions like disappointment.
Addressing behaviors typically labeled as 'entitled', Kennedy describes scenarios such as a child's tantrum over not acquiring a new toy. It's not simply the lack of a new Lego set but the underlying conviction that they should be shielded from feelings like upset or disappointment. This reflects an entitlement mentality, where the avoidance of negative emotions becomes a perceived right.
Entitlement is manifested in a sense of indignance and an expectation that others should cater to one's desires, rather than accepting that sometimes we must tolerate boredom, annoyance, or waiting.
Kennedy further elaborates that the sense of entitlement surfaces through a distinctive feeling of indignance—when a child doesn’t just naturally feel sad abou ...
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Definition and nature of entitlement
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Clarifications
- Indignance is a feeling of anger or annoyance that arises when someone believes they are being treated unfairly or not getting what they deserve. It involves a sense of entitlement and a belief that one should not have to endure certain inconveniences or disappointments. Indignance can lead to behaviors where individuals expect special treatment or feel they are above common rules or norms. It is a form of emotional response tied to a perceived violation of one's rights or expectations.
- An entrenched sense of entitlement refers to a deeply ingrained belief or attitude that one is inherently deserving of special treatment or privileges, often without regard for the feelings or rights of others. This mindset can lead individuals to exp ...
Counterarguments
- Entitlement may sometimes stem from learned behavior or cultural norms rather than just an intolerance of negative emotions.
- Some entitled behaviors could be a result of mental health issues or neurodiversity, which might require a different approach than simply addressing emotional tolerance.
- The concept of entitlement could be more complex, involving factors like social inequality, where some individuals feel entitled as a response to perceived or real injustices.
- The belief that one should avoid negative emotions might not always be entitlement; it could also be a coping mechanism or a sign of emotional self-preservation.
- Expecting others to cater to one's desires might not always be entitlement; in some contexts, it could be a reasonable expectation based on reciprocity, roles, or agreements.
- In some cases, feeling that one sh ...
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How parents' responses to children's frustration can contribute to entitlement
Becky Kennedy discusses the potential long-term impacts of how parents respond to their children's frustrations, suggesting that consistently shielding children from unpleasant experiences can unintentionally contribute to a sense of entitlement.
When parents consistently shield their children from frustrating or uncomfortable experiences
Kennedy explains that when parents frequently remove a child from situations they find frustrating or uncomfortable—such as avoiding errands or activities the child dislikes—they're effectively teaching them that they do not need to tolerate negative emotions. This pattern of "solving" the child's problems can reinforce the belief that it's unnecessary for them to experience negative feelings, laying the groundwork for entitlement. She mentions specific examples where a child might not be required to accompany their parents to the store or a sibling’s soccer game, or where the family might take a car instead of the subway simply to avoid waiting.
This pattern of parents "solving" their child's frustration by removing the child from the unpleasant situation reinforces the belief that they should not have to experience such feelings
Kennedy stresses the consequence of such protective actions, indicating that habitually avoiding making children participate in experiences perceived as boring, like grocery shopping, can contribute to a child developing a sense of entitlement. This sends a message that they do not have to put up with these experiences, further reinforcing that sense of entitlement.
In contrast, parents who encourage their children to work through minor frustrations
On the other hand, Kenn ...
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How parents' responses to children's frustration can contribute to entitlement
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Counterarguments
- While shielding children from frustration can contribute to entitlement, it's also important to consider the child's developmental stage and individual temperament. Overwhelming a child with too many frustrating experiences without proper support can be equally detrimental.
- There may be valid reasons for parents to remove a child from an uncomfortable situation, such as recognizing signs of sensory overload or anxiety, which should not be ignored in the interest of teaching resilience.
- The concept of entitlement is complex and can be influenced by a variety of factors beyond parental responses to frustration, including societal values, peer influence, and media consumption.
- Some children may naturally have a higher tolerance for discomfort and boredom, and their perceived entitlement may not be a direct result of parental intervention but rather a trait that requires different parenting strategies.
- Encouraging children to endure unpleasant experiences without considering their feelings can sometimes lead to suppression of emotion ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Frustration Jar" where your child can write down frustrating moments and discuss them weekly to learn coping strategies. This encourages open communication about discomfort and helps children articulate their feelings, leading to better emotional management. For example, if your child is frustrated with a difficult homework problem, they can jot it down and later discuss how they overcame it or what they learned from the experience.
- Introduce a "Challenge Day" once a month where the family takes on tasks they usually avoid, like cleaning out the garage or trying a new food they think they won't like. This normalizes discomfort and shows that it can lead to positive outcomes, such as a cleaner space or discovering a new favorite d ...
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Practical strategies for parents to prevent entitlement and build resilience in children
Kennedy discusses various strategies for parents to help their children handle the inevitable frustrations and disappointments that come with life, emphasizing the need to build resilience rather than enabling a sense of entitlement.
Parents should be willing to take their children on errands or engage in activities the child may find boring or unpleasant, rather than always prioritizing the child's short-term comfort.
To prevent entitlement and foster resilience, Kennedy suggests taking children on necessary but potentially boring errands, such as a trip to the tailor or grocery store. During these experiences, rather than providing distractions like smartphones, she recommends that parents allow their children to bring a book or simply to be present during the activity. Kennedy advises honest communication, making it clear that sometimes we do things for the good of the family, not just for personal enjoyment. By doing this, children learn to contribute to the family unit beyond just participating in enjoyable activities.
When a child expresses frustration or discomfort, parents can validate the child's feelings while also reinforcing that they have the capability to get through the experience.
Kennedy emphasizes the importance of acknowledging a child's feelings when they are frustrated or uncomfortable. For example, a parent might say, "I know this is boring, but you're doing a great job waiting patiently. I believe in your ability to get through this." This strategy reinforces the child's capacity to deal with difficult situations and helps them understand that they can manage feelings of discomfort.
By consistently exposing children to minor frustrations and discomforts, and helping them develop coping skills rather than simply solving the problem for them, parents can foster resilience and prevent the development of entitlement.
Kennedy points out that, instead of rescuing a child from every negative feeling, it's essential to help them develop coping skills b ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Practical strategies for parents to prevent entitlement and build resilience in children
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While it's important to teach children to handle discomfort, it's also crucial to ensure that they don't feel neglected or that their interests are always secondary to the needs of the family, which could lead to negative emotional consequences.
- Some children may have special needs or lower thresholds for certain stimuli and may not be able to handle the same level of discomfort as other children, so a one-size-fits-all approach may not be appropriate.
- The use of books or other forms of engagement during errands might not be a distraction but rather a constructive way to manage time and encourage a love for reading or learning.
- Honest communication about family needs is important, but it should be balanced with sensitivity to a child's developmental stage and understanding.
- Validating feelings is crucial, but it should be paired with teaching problem-solving skills and not just endurance of negative situations.
- Exposing children to minor frustrations is a strategy that needs to be carefully balanced with positive experiences to avoid creating a negative association with certain activities or responsibilities.
- Developing coping skills is essential, but parents should also be aware of and responsive to the signs of undue stress or anxiety in their children.
- Participation in everyday activities is important, but children should also be given choices and some ...
Actionables
- Create a "Family Contribution Chart" where each family member, including children, can choose weekly tasks that benefit the whole family, such as meal planning or organizing a room. This encourages children to understand the importance of contributing to family needs and helps them learn to prioritize these over immediate personal comfort.
- Develop a "Boredom Buster Jar" filled with simple, non-electronic activities that children can draw from when they accompany you on errands. These activities should be engaging but not overly stimulating, such as a list of items to find in a store (like a mini scavenger hunt) or a small notebook for doodling, which allows children to be present without relying on digital distractions.
- Start a family tradition of "Challenge Weekends" where the fam ...
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