Do I Have a DFK?
On this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Kennedy examines deeply feeling kids - children who experience emotions more intensely than their peers. She outlines their key traits, such as sudden dramatic mood shifts, resistance to comfort when upset, and extreme reactions like growling or scratching.
Kennedy explains why traditional parenting approaches often backfire with these children, as their sensitivity causes them to perceive punishment as threatening. She addresses misconceptions, clarifying that while some deeply feeling traits alone don't define the profile, neurodivergence can co-exist with it. Kennedy expresses optimism that, with the right strategies, these kids can channel their intensity positively and highlights how many parents see rapid improvement using her "Deeply Feeling Kids" approach.
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1-Page Summary
Characteristics of Deeply Feeling Kids
Becky Kennedy outlines the key traits of deeply feeling kids, who experience emotions more intensely than their peers:
- Sudden, dramatic emotional shifts, from calm to extreme upset, as Kennedy likens to "going from zero to sixty."
- Resisting comfort and pushing parents away when upset.
- Blaming others for their own mistakes or disappointments.
- Disliking surprises and becoming overwhelmed by them.
- Expressing extreme distress through animalistic behaviors like growling or scratching.
Why Traditional Parenting Approaches May Not Work
Kennedy asserts that punitive or harsh discipline strategies often backfire with deeply feeling kids:
- Their sensitivity leads them to perceive punishment as threatening, worsening outbursts.
- Parents may wrongly assume the child is "difficult" when nuanced understanding is needed.
- Many deeply feeling kids have neurodivergent traits requiring specialized approaches.
Addressing Misconceptions
Kennedy clarifies common confusions:
- Not every child with some deeply feeling traits fully fits the profile.
- Tantrums alone don't necessarily indicate a deeply feeling kid.
- Neurodivergence and being a deeply feeling kid can co-exist.
Despite challenges, she expresses optimism:
- With the right strategies, deeply feeling kids can channel intensity positively.
- Many parents see rapid improvement using Kennedy's "Deeply Feeling Kids" approach.
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Counterarguments
- While deeply feeling kids may resist comfort, it's also possible that they have not yet learned effective self-regulation strategies, and this resistance could be a phase rather than a trait.
- Blaming others for their own mistakes or disappointments might not be unique to deeply feeling kids; it could be a developmental stage common to many children as they learn about personal responsibility.
- Disliking surprises could be a trait found in children who prefer routine and predictability, which is not exclusive to deeply feeling kids.
- Expressing extreme distress through behaviors like growling or scratching might sometimes be a result of modeling or learned behavior from their environment rather than an innate characteristic of being a deeply feeling child.
- Punitive or harsh discipline strategies might not be effective for many children, not just deeply feeling kids, as contemporary child psychology often promotes positive discipline for all children.
- The perception of punishment as threatening could be influenced by the context and consistency of the discipline, not just the child's sensitivity.
- The assumption that a child is "difficult" could stem from a lack of parental education or support, rather than a misunderstanding of the child's emotional depth.
- The association between neurodivergence and deeply feeling traits could be coincidental or due to overlapping symptoms, rather than a direct correlation.
- The effectiveness of Kennedy's "Deeply Feeling Kids" approach may vary, and rapid improvement might not be a universal outcome for all families.
- The concept of deeply feeling kids could risk pathologizing normal emotional variability in children, and it's important to recognize a wide range of emotional responses as typical in child development.
Actionables
- Create a "comfort corner" in your home where your child can retreat to when feeling overwhelmed, equipping it with soft textures, calming colors, and favorite items that provide a sense of security without forcing interaction.
- By setting up a dedicated space for your child to calm down, you respect their need for space while providing a safe environment. This can include pillows, blankets, stuffed animals, books, or quiet activities they enjoy. The goal is to offer a soothing area that they can associate with self-regulation and comfort on their terms.
- Develop a visual schedule with your child that includes regular routines and any upcoming changes to help them prepare for surprises and transitions.
- Involving your child in creating a visual representation of their day-to-day activities can help them feel more in control and less overwhelmed by unexpected events. Use simple images or icons to represent different parts of the day, and review the schedule daily. If a change is going to occur, add it to the schedule and discuss it with your child, so they know what to expect.
- Introduce a "mistake ritual" that encourages your child to acknowledge errors without blame and focuses on learning and growth.
- This could be a simple, fun activity like saying "whoops-a-daisy" and then discussing what happened and what can be learned from the situation. The ritual should be non-judgmental and constructive, aiming to build resilience and understanding rather than assigning fault. It helps to model this behavior yourself, showing that everyone makes mistakes and that they are opportunities for learning, not shame.
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Characteristics of deeply feeling kids
Becky Kennedy outlines characteristics of deeply feeling kids, shedding light on behaviors that can mystify and challenge parents.
Deeply feeling kids often have emotional reactions that are more intense, more protracted, and seemingly more severe than those of their peers. This can leave parents feeling that standard advice doesn't apply and may even worsen the situation. For instance, Becky Kennedy's second child would give a "dragon eyes" look as if deeply hurt by attempts at supportive intervention.
Deeply feeling kids display intense, disproportionate emotional reactions that can be challenging for parents to manage.
Sudden, dramatic shifts in emotions
Kennedy provides a metaphor likening the experience with a deeply feeling child to being in an elevator where everything seems calm, but suddenly something minor, like a nearby laugh, escalates the child's emotions drastically, taking everyone for a wild ride. She emphasizes that these kids can go from zero to sixty emotionally in an instant, mirroring an elevator zooming from the lobby to the roof.
Resistance to comforting efforts
Instead of seeking comfort from their parents when upset, deeply feeling kids may instead push their parents away. Kennedy describes an instance when a parent tried to retell a story to comfort the child, only to be met with hissing, screams of "I hate you," and physical pushing.
Blaming others for their own mistakes
Kennedy also discusses how these children tend to blame others for their own mistakes or disappointments, even when it's clear they are responsible. She recalls her second child blaming her for an embarrassing fall, even though Kennedy was too far aw ...
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Characteristics of deeply feeling kids
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Counterarguments
- Deeply feeling kids may not always have disproportionate emotional reactions; sometimes, what seems intense may be appropriate for the situation from the child's perspective.
- Sudden shifts in emotions could sometimes be attributed to external factors or unmet needs rather than an inherent characteristic of the child.
- Resistance to comforting efforts might not be a resistance to comfort itself but rather a resistance to the type of comfort being offered; different children may need different approaches.
- Blaming others for their own mistakes can be a developmental phase that many children go through, not just those who are deeply feeling.
- Dislike of surprises could be more about a need for predict ...
Actionables
- Create a 'calm down' corner in your home where your child can retreat to when emotions run high. Equip this space with comforting items like soft pillows, stress balls, and noise-canceling headphones to provide a sensory-friendly environment that can help mitigate intense reactions.
- Develop a 'feelings journal' with your child where they can draw or write about their emotions daily. This practice encourages self-reflection and helps them identify patterns in their emotional responses, potentially reducing the likelihood of blaming others since they're learning to recognize their feelings and triggers.
- Introduce a 'surprise scale' where you and ...
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Why traditional parenting approaches may not work for deeply feeling kids
Kennedy's personal experiences with her children inform her argument that traditional methods of punishment and strict discipline may actually intensify challenges for deeply feeling children rather than alleviate them.
Traditional parenting strategies focused on punishment and harsh discipline often exacerbate the challenges faced by deeply feeling kids.
Kennedy observed that what worked for her first child or other children, which she considered effective and positive interventions, in fact, had the opposite effect on her second child, exacerbating the child's emotional turmoil. She points out that because deeply feeling kids are unusually sensitive to perceived threats or negativity, punitive or critical approaches tend to worsen their emotional reactions.
The intense, dramatic emotional expressions of deeply feeling kids can lead parents to initially assume they are "doing it wrong" or that their child is simply "difficult," when in reality, a more nuanced, understanding approach is needed.
Furthermore, Kennedy acknowledges the common parental reaction to a deeply feeling child’s intense emotional expressions. Parents may mistakenly believe they are parenting incorrectly or that their child is inherently difficult. She asserts, however, that what is often required is a more nuanced and understanding approach that truly takes into account the child’s deep feelings.
Many deeply feeling kids also ...
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Why traditional parenting approaches may not work for deeply feeling kids
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Clarifications
- "Deeply feeling kids" typically refers to children who experience emotions intensely and deeply. These children may be highly sensitive to their environment, emotions, and the emotions of others. They often exhibit strong emotional reactions and may struggle with emotional regulation. Understanding and supporting these children require a more empathetic and nuanced approach that takes into account their heightened emotional experiences.
- The link between deeply feeling kids and neurodivergence suggests that some children who are highly sensitive and emotionally intense may also exhibit traits commonly associated with neurodivergent conditions like autism or sensory processing disorder. This connection implies that deeply feeling kids may experience challenges related to sensory sensitivities, emotional regulation, or social interactions that are often seen in neurodivergent individuals. Understanding this link can help parents and caregivers tailor their approaches to better support the unique needs of these children, considering both their emotional depth and potential neurodivergent traits.
- Deeply feeling kids often have heightened sensory sensitivities, meaning they may react strong ...
Counterarguments
- Traditional parenting strategies may not be universally detrimental; they can provide structure and clear boundaries, which some deeply feeling kids might find reassuring.
- Punitive approaches, when applied judiciously and fairly, can sometimes help children understand the consequences of their actions and encourage better decision-making in the future.
- A nuanced and understanding approach is ideal but may not always be practical or effective in every situation; consistency and predictability are also important in parenting.
- While many deeply feeling kids might exhibit traits of neurodivergence, not all do, and assuming th ...
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Addressing common questions and misconceptions about deeply feeling kids
Kennedy clears up confusion around deeply feeling kids, highlighting both the challenges and promising outcomes that these children and their parents can experience with the proper support and understanding.
Not all children who display some characteristics of deeply feeling kids will necessarily fit the full profile.
Kennedy suggests that deep feeling exists on a spectrum, and having a few traits associated with deeply feeling kids does not mean a child falls into this category.
A child may exhibit a few deeply feeling traits without being considered a "deeply feeling kid" overall, and parents should consider the overall pattern of behaviors.
Kennedy clarifies that not every child with some characteristics will fit the full profile of a deeply feeling kid. Parents are advised to look at the entire span of behaviors rather than isolated incidents when evaluating whether their child is a deeply feeling kid.
Toddlers' tantrums, while intense, do not necessarily indicate a child is a deeply feeling kid, as tantrums are a normal part of early childhood development.
Tantrums, particularly around age one, are identified by Kennedy as normal and a healthy aspect of development. She notes that an 18-month-old exhibiting huge tantrums doesn't automatically mean they qualify as a deeply feeling kid.
Children who are neurodivergent may also display deeply feeling characteristics, and these two factors are not mutually exclusive - a child can be both neurodivergent and a deeply feeling kid.
Kennedy points out that there is significant overlap between neurodivergence and the traits of deeply feeling kids. She confirms that a child can embody both neurodivergent and deeply feeling characteristics, such as overstimulation and big reactions to seemingly small things.
Despite the challenges, there is hope for deeply feeling kids and their parents.
Kennedy conveys an optimistic message regarding deeply feeling kids, emphasizing the potential positive outcomes with the right approaches.
With the right understanding and strategies, the intense ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Addressing common questions and misconceptions about deeply feeling kids
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While deep feeling exists on a spectrum, it may be challenging for parents and professionals to discern where on that spectrum a child falls without clear guidelines, potentially leading to mislabeling or misunderstanding a child's needs.
- Considering the overall pattern of behaviors is important, but it may also be necessary to understand the context of each incident to provide appropriate support for each situation.
- While tantrums in toddlers are normal, consistently intense or prolonged tantrums could indicate underlying issues that may require professional attention beyond normal parenting strategies.
- The overlap between neurodivergence and deeply feeling characteristics could complicate the identification and support of each condition, possibly requiring more specialized approaches than those that work for neurotypical deeply feeling kids.
- The idea that deeply feeling kids can make profound contributions may inadvertently pressure children and parents, creating unrealistic expectations for success or achievement.
- Channe ...
Actionables
- Create a behavior observation diary to track patterns in your child's emotional responses, noting not just the intensity but also the context and triggers. This can help you discern if your child is deeply feeling or just experiencing a typical reaction. For example, if your child has a meltdown, write down what happened before, during, and after the incident, looking for common themes over time.
- Develop a "Feelings Gallery" at home where your child can express emotions through art, which can be a constructive outlet for intense feelings. Provide materials like paper, crayons, and paint, and designate a space where your child can create artwork whenever they feel overwhelmed. This encourages emotional expression and can turn intense feelings into creative contributions.
- Start a family "Emotion Book Club" where you and your child re ...
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