Detecting Shame in Your Kid
In this episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky podcast, Dr. Becky Kennedy delves into the powerful emotion of shame and its impact on self-identity and self-worth. She explains the distinction between shame and guilt, highlighting how shame can lead to global negative self-judgments and defensiveness, hindering personal growth.
Dr. Kennedy provides strategies to help parents detect and address shame in their children. The discussion covers recognizing the signs of shame, such as overreactions, avoidance of challenges, and negative self-talk. Additionally, Dr. Kennedy offers guidance on fostering a safe emotional environment through empathy, building frustration tolerance, and encouraging a growth mindset, which can nurture self-worth and resilience in children.
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Definition and characteristics of shame
According to Becky Kennedy, shame is a powerful emotion that deeply affects one's self-identity and self-worth. Unlike guilt, which relates to specific actions, shame fosters a belief that one's entire self is flawed, leading to global negative self-judgments. When experiencing shame, people equate their external performance with self-worth and may become defensive or avoidant to protect their fragile sense of self.
Difference between shame and guilt
Kennedy differentiates shame from guilt, noting that guilt arises from recognizing a behavior as misaligned with one's values, while shame involves a global negative judgment of the self. Guilt motivates people to change problematic behaviors, but shame causes defensiveness and rejection of external feedback.
Strategies for detecting and addressing shame in children
Recognizing the Signs of Shame
Kennedy points out that children prone to shame may overreact to minor issues, avoid challenges, or exhibit global negative self-talk like "I'm stupid." Meltdowns and blame are also potential signs of shame in highly sensitive "deeply feeling" children.
Addressing Shame in Parenting
Kennedy advises parents to use empathy, build frustration tolerance, and foster a growth mindset instead of punishment when shame arises. This approach helps children feel accepted while learning from challenges. Creating a safe emotional environment where worth isn't tied to performance nurtures self-worth and resilience.
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Counterarguments
- While shame can lead to global negative self-judgments, some psychologists argue that a certain level of shame can serve as a social emotion that encourages individuals to adhere to societal norms and values.
- The idea that shame equates external performance with self-worth may not always hold true; some individuals may experience shame internally without it being directly related to external events or performances.
- The assertion that shame causes defensiveness and avoidance might be too general; people's responses to shame can vary widely, with some individuals possibly seeking to engage and rectify the situation rather than avoiding it.
- Guilt does not always motivate behavior change; in some cases, individuals may feel guilty but still struggle to change their behavior due to various psychological or situational factors.
- The signs of shame in children, such as overreaction to minor issues or avoidance of challenges, could also be indicative of other emotional states or developmental issues, not solely shame.
- While empathy, building frustration tolerance, and fostering a growth mindset are suggested as strategies to address shame, these approaches may not be universally effective for all children, as individual differences can affect how children respond to these strategies.
- The claim that punishment is not effective in addressing shame might be contested by some who believe that structured and fair consequences can play a role in teaching children about accountability and the impact of their actions.
- The idea of creating a safe emotional environment as key to addressing shame could be seen as overly idealistic in certain contexts where external factors such as socioeconomic status or cultural expectations significantly influence the emotional climate.
- The notion that worth should not be tied to performance might be challenged by the perspective that performance can be a healthy and important aspect of developing competence and self-esteem, as long as it is balanced with other aspects of self-worth.
Actionables
- You can start a "shame journal" to track moments when you feel shame and identify triggers. Write down instances when you feel shame, what caused it, and how you reacted. Over time, you'll notice patterns that can help you understand your shame triggers better. For example, if you realize that receiving criticism at work often leads to feelings of shame, you might work on separating your self-worth from your job performance.
- Develop a "guilt-to-action" plan that turns feelings of guilt into constructive steps. When you feel guilty about an action that doesn't align with your values, write down a specific, actionable step you can take to make amends or improve. For instance, if you feel guilty about not spending enough quality time with your family, your plan could include scheduling regular family game nights.
- Create a "growth mindset board" in a visible place in your home. Use it to post quotes, achievements, and reminders that emphasize effort over outcome. This could be as simple as sticky notes with phrases like "Progress, not perfection" or "Effort is what counts." Celebrate small wins and efforts daily to reinforce the idea that your worth is not tied to performance.
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Definition and characteristics of shame
Becky Kennedy discusses the emotion of shame, describing it as a powerful sentiment that has a profound impact on an individual's sense of self-identity and self-worth.
Shame goes beyond behavior to self-identity
Shame is not merely about feeling bad for a specific action; it deeply involves one's perception of themselves. Unlike guilt, which relates to a particular action, shame fosters a belief that one's entire self is fundamentally flawed or bad. This pervasive thought pattern leads to a feeling of global negativity.
Kennedy illustrates that when children experience shame, they tend to make sweeping negative statements about themselves, like "I'm not good at math" or "I'm so stupid." This behavior is an indicator of the belief that their whole self is flawed rather than recognizing a specific, singular challenge.
Reactions and consequences of shame
When individuals feel shame, they often become unreachable and defensive because they view their mistakes as reflections of their core identity. To protect their fragile sense of self, they may avoid challenges, have explosive reactions to minor issues, or adopt perfectionistic behaviors.
Kennedy points out that, in the presence of shame, people equate their external performance with self-worth and may try to cover up vulnerabilities to ...
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Definition and characteristics of shame
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Clarifications
- Shame is about feeling inherently flawed or bad as a person, while guilt is about feeling bad for a specific action or behavior. Guilt focuses on what one has done wrong, while shame revolves around a belief that one is wrong or inadequate as a person. Guilt is more about behavior, while shame is deeply tied to self-identity and self-worth. Shame leads to a sense of global negativity about oneself, while guilt is more focused on the specific action that caused remorse.
- Shame equating struggles in a subject to broader unworthiness means that when someone faces difficulty in a particular area, like math, they may internalize these challenges as proof of their overall incompetence or lack of value as a person. This connection between academic struggles and feelings of unworthiness can lead individuals to believe that their performance in one aspect defines their entire self-worth, creating a barrier to addressing specific challenges effectively. This association can be especially strong in family contexts where academic achievement is highly emphasized, potentially reinforcing the belief that struggling in a subject reflects ...
Actionables
- You can start a self-compassion journal to shift focus from shame to self-kindness. Write down instances when you feel shame, but instead of dwelling on the negative self-belief, challenge yourself to write two statements of self-compassion for every negative thought. For example, if you write, "I'm terrible at this job," follow it with, "I'm learning new things every day and it's okay to make mistakes," and "I bring valuable ideas to the team."
- Develop a 'challenge portfolio' to counteract avoidance behaviors. Whenever you find yourself shying away from a challenge due to feelings of shame, document it in a notebook or digital document. Next to the challenge, list actionable steps you could take to face it and a column for potential positive outcomes. This can help you visualize the benefits of overcoming challenges and reduce the tendency to avoid them.
- Create a 'talent map' for your children to help them see their strengt ...
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Difference between shame and guilt
The concepts of shame and guilt are often confused or used interchangeably, but they represent distinct emotional experiences with different implications for behavior and self-perception.
Guilt is a feeling about a specific behavior that is out of alignment with one's values, whereas shame is a global negative judgment of the self.
Guilt arises when an individual recognizes that a specific behavior they have exhibited is not in line with their personal values or standards. This realization allows a person to maintain a sense of their overall goodness and worth, even while acknowledging that the behavior was problematic. It is a productive emotion that provides an opportunity for introspection and change without condemning the individual's entire character.
In guilt, a person can recognize that their behavior was problematic while still maintaining a sense of their overall goodness and worth.
On the other hand, shame does not distinguish between an isolated act and the actor. It involves a sweeping negative judgment of oneself, leading to feelings of being fundamentally flawed. A shameful experience can lead a person to believe that the negative action reflects their entire identity, leading them to internalize a sense of "I am bad." This global negative self-judgment is more destructive than guilt and can significantly affect a person's self-esteem.
Guilt motivates people to reflect on and change their behavior, while shame causes them to go into defensive mode and reject outside feedback.
The consequences of these emotions further distinguish them; guilt can catalyze self-improvement and reparative actions. Guilt motivates individuals to rectify their mistakes, seek forgiveness ...
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Difference between shame and guilt
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Shame is a feeling of being inherently bad or flawed as a person, while guilt is feeling bad about a specific behavior that goes against one's values. Guilt focuses on the action, prompting reflection and change, while shame revolves around the self, leading to a sense of unworthiness. Guilt can motivate positive behavior change, while shame often triggers defensive reactions and hinders growth. Understanding this distinction is crucial for emotional well-being and personal development.
- Guilt allows for maintaining a sense of overall goodness and worth because it is focused on a specific behavior that goes against personal values, rather than condemning the entire self. This distinction enables individuals to acknowledge their mistake while still recognizing their intrinsic value and moral integrity. By separating the action from their core identity, individuals can address the behavior without internalizing a pervasive sense of unworthiness or inadequacy. This ability to compartmentalize the wrongdoing helps in preserving a positive self-image and facilitates constructive reflection and growth.
- Guilt motivates individuals to rectify their mistakes, seek forgiveness, and modify their behavior to better align with their values in the future. It acts as a compass guiding people to recognize their missteps and make amends. Conversely, shame triggers a defensive response, leading individuals to close off from others and reject feedback that could help them grow. The internalization of a global negative self-identity can block the pathways to change and prevent individuals from learning from their mistakes.
- Shame can deeply affect self-concept and self-esteem by leading individuals to believe they are fundamentally flawed, resulting in a pervasive sense of being "bad." This global negative self-judgment can erode self-esteem and create a distorted view of oneself as inherently unworthy or defective. Unlike guilt, which focuses on specific behaviors, shame encompasses the entire self, making it more destructive and challenging to overcome. The internalization of shame can hinder personal growth and learning from mistakes, as individuals may struggle to separate their actions from their core identity.
- Shame can lead to a defensive response and rejection of feedback because when someone feels deeply flawed at their core, they may struggle to accept criticism or guida ...
Counterarguments
- While guilt can lead to positive behavior change, it can also become excessive and lead to feelings of self-blame and chronic remorse, which can be psychologically damaging.
- The idea that shame is always destructive may be too simplistic; some researchers argue that shame can sometimes serve a social function by encouraging individuals to adhere to social norms and values.
- The dichotomy presented between guilt and shame may overlook the complexity of these emotions, as they can sometimes co-occur or lead to each other in a cyclical fashion.
- The text implies that shame is inherently negative, but some cultural perspectives may view shame as a valuable emotion that signals respect for community and tradition.
- The assertion that shame causes individuals to reject feedback and close off from others may not always hold true; some individuals might respond to shame with a desire to reconnect and seek social support.
- The emphasis on indivi ...
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Strategies for detecting and addressing shame in children
Highly sensitive or "deeply feeling" children are more prone to experiencing shame, which can adversely affect their behavior and self-perception. These signs of shame should prompt parents to change their approach to better nurture their child's emotional development.
Recognizing the Signs of Shame
When a child overreacts to minor incidents, such as the six-year-old girl who had an explosive reaction after spilling juice on her stuffed animal, it can be a sign of underlying shame. A nine-year-old boy who avoids his math homework despite having support might also be displaying shame through his refusal to engage. Becky Kennedy cautions that such behaviors like overreactions, avoidance, or blame can signal the presence of shame.
Children who are "deeply feeling" may experience emotions more intensely and for an extended period. Meltdowns can be more explosive, and they may take longer to calm down, all of which are traits to bear in mind when addressing shame in children. Signs of shame include global negative self-talk, which suggests a collapsed identity into feeling globally negative about oneself. For example, a child exhibiting shame might voice thoughts like "I'm stupid" or "I'm a bad kid."
Conversely, a child with a good sense of identity may acknowledge difficulty in a certain area without letting it overshadow their entire self-image. Kennedy highlights that this distinction is essential in identifying shame and differentiating it from other challenges.
Addressing Shame in Parenting
Kennedy underscores that conventional methods such as logical reasoning or punishment are often ineffective when shame is present. She encourages a more empathetic approach that helps children feel accepted and supported, regardless of the challenges they may face.
Building a child's frustration tolerance and growth mindset is crucial, as it allows chil ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Strategies for detecting and addressing shame in children
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While highly sensitive children may be more prone to experiencing shame, not all sensitive children will necessarily respond to situations with shame; individual responses can vary widely based on a range of factors including temperament, past experiences, and parental support.
- Overreactions to minor incidents might not always signify underlying shame; they could also be indicative of other emotional regulation issues, developmental stages, or simply a bad day.
- Avoidance of tasks could be due to a variety of reasons other than shame, such as lack of interest, difficulty concentrating, or other external pressures.
- The assumption that conventional methods like logical reasoning or punishment are often ineffective may not hold true for all children; some may respond well to clear explanations or understand the consequences of their actions through appropriate disciplinary measures.
- An empathetic approach is generally encouraged, but it's important to balance empathy with setting boundaries and teaching responsibility.
- Building frustration tolerance and a growth mindset is important, but it should be recognized that these skills develop over time and may require different strategies for different children.
- The idea that fostering resilience and self-compassion can help children learn from their experiences is v ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Shame-Resilience Storybook" with your child, where you both illustrate and write stories about characters overcoming shame through resilience and self-compassion. This activity allows children to externalize their feelings and understand them in a safe, creative context, fostering a growth mindset without directly confronting their own experiences.
- Develop a "Frustration Jar" where your child can write down or draw things that frustrate them and place them in the jar. Periodically, go through the jar together and discuss strategies to handle these frustrations, emphasizing that it's okay to feel upset and that they can grow from these challenges. This tangible activity helps children visualize their progress in building frustration tolerance.
- Start a family tradition of "Weekly Wins and ...
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