My Number One Job as a Parent Is Not to Make You Happy
In this episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky podcast, host Becky Kennedy provides guidance on striking a balance between nurturing children's emotional needs and setting firm boundaries. She explains the critical distinction between ensuring kids feel heard and granting their every desire.
The episode delves into strategies for validating feelings while instilling resilience and self-reliance. Kennedy advises framing denials in a way that conveys faith in children's capabilities, fostering a sense of competence. By tolerating momentary frustration, parents can teach lifelong coping skills, preparing kids for future challenges. The discussion offers insights into parenting approaches that nurture independence and emotional intelligence.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Oct 1, 2024 episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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1-Page Summary
Difference Between Being Heard & Getting Everything
According to host Becky Kennedy, parents must separate making children feel valued from fulfilling every desire. Kennedy suggests framing responses like "I hear you. And it's bedtime" to convey empathy while setting boundaries.
Avoid Equating Value With Getting What They Want
Kennedy warns that conflating a child's worth with fulfilling their wants can breed entitlement issues in adulthood. She advocates teaching self-efficacy over relying on external satisfaction to build resilience.
Parents' "Family Jobs": Setting Boundaries & Validating Feelings
Boundaries Are For Child's Wellbeing
Kennedy explains that parents set limits on a child's behavior for safety and long-term interests, even if it's met with resistance. This boundary-setting role is about leadership, not control.
Validating Feelings Fosters Resilience
When limits trigger negative reactions, Kennedy advises validating the child's emotions to help them cope with disappointment. This builds resilience over time.
Teaching Self-Reliance Through Saying "No"
Denying Minor Requests Builds Independence
Kennedy and caller Allison discuss denying small requests kids can do themselves, like throwing away a wrapper. This fosters a sense of competence and self-reliance.
Being "Long-Term Greedy" Means Tolerating Short-Term Frustration
Kennedy advocates tolerating a child's temporary frustration from being told "no" to requests they can handle. This "long-term greediness" allows developing resilience.
Frame "No" as Believing in Their Abilities
Per Kennedy, conveying that "no" shows parental belief in a child's capabilities can help them understand boundaries as loving acts of faith in their growth.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While setting boundaries is crucial, it's important to ensure that children don't perceive "no" as a lack of support or understanding, which could affect their willingness to share concerns or desires in the future.
- The approach of validating feelings while enforcing boundaries might not always be clear to the child, potentially leading to confusion or mixed messages about the consequences of their actions.
- The concept of not equating a child's worth with fulfilling their wants is important, but it's also essential to recognize and celebrate their achievements and desires to maintain their motivation and self-esteem.
- Teaching self-efficacy is important, but it should be balanced with providing support and guidance to ensure children don't feel abandoned or overly pressured to be independent before they're ready.
- Denying minor requests to build independence could sometimes overlook the educational value of collaborative problem-solving and shared responsibilities within the family.
- The strategy of being "long-term greedy" by tolerating short-term frustration might not account for individual differences in children's emotional regulation and resilience, potentially leading to undue stress for some children.
- Framing "no" as a belief in a child's abilities is positive, but it's also important to recognize when a child genuinely needs help rather than assuming they can handle the situation, to avoid feelings of frustration or inadequacy.
Actionables
- Create a "Boundary Box" with your child where you both write down and decorate rules and limits that are important for their safety and growth. This activity turns the abstract concept of boundaries into something tangible and collaborative. For example, you might include a rule like "Bedtime is at 8 PM so you can grow strong and smart," which reinforces the idea that limits are set for their benefit, not as a form of control.
- Start a "Self-Help Saturday" where your child is encouraged to take on small tasks they can manage on their own, like making their bed or preparing a simple snack. This weekly routine emphasizes independence and self-reliance, showing them that you trust in their abilities to handle tasks without constant assistance.
- Develop a "Frustration Journal" for your child to draw or write about their feelings when they experience disappointment or are told "no." This can be a shared activity where you validate their emotions by discussing the entries, helping them understand that it's okay to feel upset while also teaching them to cope with these emotions constructively.
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The distinction between a child feeling heard/valued and the parent saying "yes"
Parental challenges often revolve around the fine balance between making children feel valued without necessarily acceding to their every wish. Host Becky Kennedy and several callers discuss this nuanced facet of parenting.
Separating the desire to make a child feel heard and valued from the need to say "yes" to every request can help build realistic adult life skills.
Feeling heard and valued does not have to mean getting everything one wants.
Caller #1 shares her struggle with not wanting to say "no" to her children, as she worries it might make them feel unvalued. Becky Kennedy addresses this by highlighting the clear separation between making children feel their desires are acknowledged and capitulating to each of their demands. Kennedy advises using phrases like "I hear you. And it's bedtime" or "I know that matters. And buying it right now isn't an option" to convey empathy while setting limits.
Conflating a child's sense of value with getting what they want can create entitled and fragile adults who struggle to cope when their desires are not immediately met.
Parents should convey that a child's feelings and needs are important, while still setting appropriate boundaries and limitations.
Allison talks about her difficulties in saying "no" to her children, fearing it might indicate a lack of care. Kennedy suggests a visual exercise for parents, separating hands to symbolize the act of listening and making a child feel valued from the act of saying "yes." She points out that conflating the two can lead to entitlement, which may cause difficulties in adulthood when desires are not instantly gratified.
Kennedy further elaborates with Megan's situation—her child's constant req ...
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The distinction between a child feeling heard/valued and the parent saying "yes"
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While setting boundaries is important, it's also crucial to ensure that children understand the reasons behind a "no," as understanding can foster cooperation and respect.
- There may be cultural differences in parenting styles that value saying "yes" more often, and these can also lead to positive outcomes in children's development.
- The approach of not always saying "yes" to avoid entitlement might not consider the individual temperament and resilience of each child; some children might benefit from more affirmation than others.
- The emphasis on not equating love with always keeping a child content could be balanced with the understanding that there are times when saying "yes" is equally important to a child's emotional development.
- The strategy of using phrases like "I hear you. And it's bedtime" might not always be effective if the child feels that their needs are consistently secondary to rules or limitations.
- The concept of teaching self-efficacy is important, but it should be noted that children also need to experience a healthy dependence on others to learn about trust and secure relationships.
- The idea that saying "no" is also about recognizing the parent's needs might be seen as neglecting the child's perspectiv ...
Actionables
- Create a "Feelings Journal" for your child where they can express their emotions and desires, and you can respond in writing to validate their feelings without always granting their wishes. This encourages open communication and helps children understand that being heard is separate from getting what they want. For example, if your child writes about wanting a new toy, you can acknowledge their desire by writing back about understanding why they want it, and then explain why it's not possible at the moment, focusing on the value of what they already have.
- Develop a "Family Decision Tree" that visually maps out how decisions are made, including when the answer is "no." This tool can help children see that their input is considered even when the outcome isn't what they hoped for. You might draw a tree with branches representing different choices and outcomes, showing that while their feelings are acknowledged (leaves), not all paths lead to "yes" (fruit).
- Introduce a "Role-Swap" game where you and your child ...
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The role of setting boundaries and validating feelings as part of a parent's "family jobs"
Parents are tasked with the essential family roles of setting boundaries and validating their children's emotions. When done effectively, these parental responsibilities can foster a sense of safety and resilience in children.
Parents have two main "family jobs": setting boundaries and validating their child's feelings.
Parents serve as the metaphorical pilots in their child’s life, and part of that responsibility involves establishing boundaries for the safety, long-term interest, or to satisfy the parent's energy levels.
Setting boundaries involves deciding on limits that the parent believes are good for the child's safety and long-term wellbeing, even if the child reacts negatively.
Setting boundaries is about the parent deciding on limits they believe are beneficial for their child’s safety and wellbeing, even when faced with negative reactions. It’s about leadership and authority in the child’s life, not about the moment's comfort.
Validating a child's feelings, especially through difficult boundary-setting moments, helps the child learn to cope with disappointment and develop resilience.
Validating feelings becomes essential, especially when children react negatively to the boundaries set by their parents. This validation helps children learn to deal with disappointment and build their ability to cope and be resilient. Megan tries to validate her child’s emotions by offering alternative activities or informing them they can do the desired activity later.
When parents are clear and confident in their "family jobs", children are less likely to react strongly to "no" responses, as they feel their parent's sturdy leadership.
Becky Kennedy points out that parents’ jobs are not to control their children's emotions or stop their expression of negative feelings but to guide and support them through those emotions while maintaining set boundaries. Clarity and conviction in a parent’s role to set boundaries and validate feelings will eventually result in a child’s changed reaction to 'no' because they sense the parent’s firm leadership and authority. It’s about providing stability, ...
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The role of setting boundaries and validating feelings as part of a parent's "family jobs"
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Clarifications
- The metaphorical comparison of parents as pilots in their child's life signifies the role of guidance, protection, and leadership that parents provide to their children. Just like a pilot ensures the safety and direction of a flight, parents navigate their children through life's challenges, set boundaries for safety, and help them reach their destinations successfully. This comparison emphasizes the importance of parental authority, decision-making, and creating a sense of security and stability for children.
- Validating a child's feelings during boundary-setting moments involves acknowledging and accepting the emotions the child is experiencing, even if they are negative. It is about showing empathy and understanding towards the child's emotional response while still maintaining the set boundaries. This validation helps the child feel heard and supported, even when they are being told "no," and it teaches them how to manage their emotions in a healthy way. By validating their feelings, parents can help children develop resilience and coping skills for handling disappointment and difficult situations.
- Becky Kennedy emphasizes that parents should focus on guiding and supporting their children through their emotions while maintaining boundaries. She highlights the importance of validating children's feelings, especially during challenging moments of setting boundaries, to help them develop resilience. Kennedy suggests that saying "no" can be about prioritizing the parent's needs and long-term goals for the child's well-being. She advocates for a balanced approach that involves setting limi ...
Counterarguments
- While setting boundaries is crucial, overly rigid or inflexible boundaries can stifle a child's sense of autonomy and may lead to rebellion or secretive behavior.
- Validating a child's feelings is important, but it must be balanced with teaching them appropriate ways to express those feelings, as not all forms of expression are constructive or acceptable.
- The assertion that children are less likely to react strongly to "no" when parents are clear and confident may not account for individual differences in children's temperaments and personalities, which can influence their reactions regardless of parental clarity.
- The idea that parents should not aim to control their children's emotions might be misinterpreted as suggesting parents should be permissive, whereas some level of guidance and influence on emotional regulation is part of teaching children social norms and coping skills.
- The concept of saying no to a child to say yes to a parent's needs might be seen as prioritizing the parent's needs over the child's, which could be problematic if not balanced correctly, as children's needs should also be a ...
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How saying "no" can build long-term resilience in children
Teaching children resilience and self-reliance is a crucial element of parenting. A simple but powerful way to impart these skills is by saying "no" to short-term requests that children could manage on their own, despite any temporary frustration this may cause.
Saying "no" to short-term requests that a child could reasonably do themselves, even if it causes temporary frustration, can develop the child's sense of competence and independence.
Allison’s story illustrates a common scenario: she gets up to throw away her daughter's wrapper when her daughter is fully capable of doing it herself. This is a perfect example of where saying "no" can encourage children to act independently, fostering self-reliance. If parents meet every demand a child makes, they might inadvertently inhibit the child’s development of independence. By not always acquiescing to their child's requests, parents provide their children with the chance to develop a sense of competence.
Parents should be willing to tolerate their child's short-term disappointment in service of building long-term resilience and problem-solving skills.
Kennedy introduces the idea of being "long-term greedy" in parenting. Instead of giving in to short-term demands or requests, parents can view this as investing in their child's future ability to withstand disappointments and challenges. This concept is not just about telling the child "no," but also involves the parent tolerating their child's temporary negative emotions. Kennedy mentions the importance of saying no to simple requests, like throwing away a wrapper, as these small denials can teach children that they are capable of doing certain tasks themselves, even if they don't want to.
Megan's experience echoes Kennedy's concept; she recognizes the need for her child to learn to handle disappointments, even though she anticipates the likely negative reaction from her child. Kennedy stresses the need for parents to tolerate not only the child’s disappointment but also their own discomfort whe ...
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How saying "no" can build long-term resilience in children
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Clarifications
- Holding space for the child's budding confidence means creating an environment where the child feels supported and encouraged to explore their abilities and grow. It involves providing emotional support, validation, and reassurance as the child learns to navigate challenges and setbacks. This concept emphasizes the importance of allowing the child to develop their self-esteem and belief in their own capabilities without undue pressure or interference. By holding space for the child's budding confidence, parents help nurture a sense of self-assurance and resilience in their children.
- When parents say "no" to their children, they can frame it as an act of love by expressing belief in the child's abilities. This approach helps children understand ...
Counterarguments
- Saying "no" too frequently or without context can lead to feelings of rejection or a lack of support, potentially undermining a child's self-esteem.
- Children's developmental stages vary, and what one child can reasonably do for themselves, another might not yet be capable of, so blanket approaches may not be appropriate.
- Overemphasis on independence can neglect the importance of interdependence and community support in a child's development.
- Some children may interpret "no" as a lack of willingness to help rather than an encouragement to be self-reliant, which could affect trust and communication.
- Resilience can also be built through positive experiences and successes, not just through handling disappointment or being denied requests.
- The strategy of being "long-term greedy" might not account for the individual emotional needs of a child at a given moment, which could be crucial for their well-being.
- Tolerating negative emotions is important, but it's also essential to provide emotional support and guidance on how to manage those emotions constructively.
- Small denials might sometimes be perceived as arb ...
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