Revisit - Confidence Isn't Feeling Good. Confidence is Self-Trust.
Confidence isn't just about feeling good—it's about self-trust. In this episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky podcast, a mother shares her struggles with harsh self-criticism stemming from childhood, and her fears of passing this insecurity on to her son.
Dr. Kennedy offers strategies to address the son's self-doubt and negative self-talk. She advises acknowledging and reframing the inner critical voice, fostering a self-compassionate mindset, and building confidence through self-trust rather than fixating on performance outcomes.
The conversation touches on the lasting impact of parental expectations and childhood experiences on confidence and self-perception. By sharing personal experiences and actionable techniques, this episode provides insights into nurturing a healthier relationship with one's inner critic and cultivating resilience in the face of challenges.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Sep 24, 2024 episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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1-Page Summary
The mother's experience and concerns
A mother shares her own struggles with confidence and harsh self-criticism rooted in her academic experiences as a child. Despite being in gifted programs, she constantly felt inadequate compared to her siblings and the high expectations set for her, cultivating a legacy of self-doubt that she now fears passing on to her son.
The son's struggles
The son exhibited confidence issues after being placed in a gifted program, expressing feelings of being "dumb" and inadequate compared to his peers. He shuts down easily when facing challenges, displaying a harsh inner critic through negative self-talk like "I'm the worst" and "I'm so dumb."
Strategies from Becky Kennedy
Kennedy advises acknowledging the son's inner critical voice, using a car analogy to explain it as a normal "passenger" voice everyone has. She encourages the mother to share her own experiences to help the son build a relationship with this voice rather than eliminating it.
Kennedy recommends anticipating when the critical voice appears and practicing self-compassionate responses, diffusing its power. Additionally, she suggests fostering confidence by focusing on the son's ability to handle challenges through mantras like "I can do hard things," promoting self-trust over performance outcomes.
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Counterarguments
- Acknowledging the inner critical voice might not be sufficient for some individuals, and in some cases, professional therapy may be necessary to address deeper psychological issues.
- Sharing personal experiences with a child must be done carefully to ensure the child does not feel burdened or responsible for the parent's emotional state.
- The car analogy, while helpful, might oversimplify the complexity of inner critical voices and how they impact individuals differently.
- Anticipating the critical voice and practicing self-compassionate responses assumes a level of self-awareness and emotional regulation that the son might not yet possess, and he may require more guidance to develop these skills.
- Focusing on the ability to handle challenges is positive, but it's also important to validate feelings of inadequacy and not dismiss them, as they can be part of a normal emotional response to high expectations.
- Promoting self-trust over performance outcomes is a valuable approach, but it's also important to recognize and address systemic issues within educational environments that may contribute to the pressure and stress experienced by gifted students.
- While mantras like "I can do hard things" can be empowering, they may not always resonate with every child, and it's important to tailor strategies to the individual needs of the child.
- The strategies suggested may not take into account the unique cultural, social, and familial contexts that can influence a child's self-perception and confidence.
Actionables
- Create a "confidence journal" where you document daily instances where you successfully managed a challenge, no matter how small, to reinforce your ability to handle difficulties. This can be as simple as navigating a tough conversation or solving a minor technical issue. Over time, reviewing this journal can remind you of your resilience and capability, which can help counteract feelings of inadequacy.
- Develop a "self-compassion script" for moments when you notice your inner critic getting loud. Write down affirming statements that acknowledge your feelings but also offer kindness and perspective, like "It's okay to feel this way, but I have overcome similar challenges before." Keep this script accessible on your phone or a small card in your wallet to use whenever negative self-talk arises.
- Engage in role-play exercises with a friend or family member where you practice responding to hypothetical critical thoughts. For example, if the thought is "I'm not as smart as my peers," the response could be "I bring unique strengths to the table." This can help you prepare for real-life situations and make self-compassionate responses more automatic.
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The mother's personal background and its influence on her son
A mother shares her concerns about her son developing issues with confidence and self-criticism, linking these worries to her own experiences shaped during her academic life as a child.
The mother's own struggles with confidence and self-criticism stemming from her academic experiences in childhood
The mother vividly recalls her own upbringing which was heavily focused on academics. She was enrolled in gifted and talented programs in her elementary school years, sparking excitement among her parents. However, entering middle school, she faced challenges and found herself academically overshadowed by her siblings. Despite what outsiders might view as academic success, she battled feelings of underachievement, never seeing herself as meeting the high expectations set during her early years. This led her to be unduly hard on herself.
The mother's concern that her son may develop similar issues with confidence and self-criticism
The mother's legacy of self-criticism is now a point of anxiety in regard to her son. Her past is a mirror in which she sees her son, especially as he now walks a path similar to her own with his placement in a gifted pre-program. Her ex ...
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The mother's personal background and its influence on her son
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Counterarguments
- The mother's academic focus in childhood does not necessarily predict her son's experience; children can respond differently to similar environments.
- Enrollment in gifted and talented programs can be beneficial and does not inherently lead to issues with confidence or self-criticism.
- Feeling overshadowed by siblings is a common experience and can occur in any family dynamic, not just those with a strong academic focus.
- Academic challenges in middle school are typical for many students as the difficulty of the curriculum increases.
- Feelings of underachievement can sometimes be a result of personal perfectionism rather than external pressures.
- High expectations in early years can also motivate and lead to greater achievements, not just self-criticism.
- Being hard on oneself is not always detrimental; it can sometimes lead to self-improvement and resilience.
- Concerns about the son developing issues might be more reflective of the mother's anxieties rather than the son's actual experiences. ...
Actionables
- Create a 'success journal' for your child where they can record not just achievements but also efforts and improvements, regardless of the outcome. This helps shift the focus from results to growth and can be a daily or weekly activity where you both sit down to discuss and write about the things he tried and learned, rather than just what he accomplished.
- Develop a 'family challenge' activity where each member, including the child, teaches the rest of the family something they're good at. This can be a monthly event that allows the child to feel like an expert and boosts his confidence by showcasing his strengths in a supportive environment.
- Introduce 'rol ...
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The son's struggles with confidence and self-criticism
A mother shares the concerning behaviors of her son, who wrestles with confidence and is highly self-critical when challenged academically or athletically.
The son's feelings of inadequacy when placed in a more advanced academic program
The son, after being placed in a gifted and talented pre-program, began to express feelings of inadequacy. He conveyed to his mother sentiments such as feeling like the worst in the class, always finishing assignments last, and disparaged himself by saying, "I'm dumb. I don't want to be in this class." This marks a striking contrast to his previous experience where he was often the first to finish and received praise for his work. The shift to a more challenging environment has led to negative self-comparisons with his peers, indicating he feels outmatched, which is exemplified by statements like "I'm so dumb" after finishing last in his assignments.
The son's tendency to shut down and be highly self-critical at the first sign of struggle
The mother observes that her son, who she acknowledges is very bright, shuts down when he encounters the first sign of struggle ...
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The son's struggles with confidence and self-criticism
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Actionables
- You can create a "challenge journal" where you document every time you face a difficulty, noting down the challenge, your initial self-critical thought, and then reframing it into a positive or constructive statement. This practice helps you become aware of your negative self-talk patterns and actively work on changing them. For example, if you think "I'm not smart enough to solve this problem," you could reframe it to "This problem is tough, but I can use it to learn and improve my problem-solving skills."
- Start a daily habit of writing down three personal strengths or achievements, no matter how small, to build a habit of recognizing your own value and combating feelings of inadequacy. This could be as simple as acknowledging that you asked a good question in class or helped a friend with a problem, reinforcing the idea that you have positive attributes and are capable of success.
- Engage in ...
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Strategies for helping the son develop a healthier self-image and inner dialogue
Becky Kennedy presents strategies to help a child develop a healthier self-image and inner dialogue, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging the child’s critical voice and fostering confidence through a focus on handling challenges.
Acknowledging and validating the son's inner critical voice, rather than trying to simply replace it
Becky Kennedy advises validating the child's feelings by acknowledging the normality of an inner critical voice; it’s common among all people. She suggests that confidence is like being a sturdy driver who remains unfazed by negative chatter from passengers, representing the various inner voices.
Explaining to the son that everyone has different "voices" or "parts" inside them, and that it's normal to have a critical inner voice at times
Kennedy recommends explaining to the child that everyone has different "voices" or "parts" inside them and that it's normal to have a critical inner voice. She illustrates this using a car analogy: Each voice is a passenger, and the goal is not to kick any out permanently. Ignoring a critical voice can lead to it taking over, and no inner voice is inherently bad. Acknowledging and understanding the critical voice’s presence is pivotal to maintaining control as the driver.
Helping the son build a relationship with his inner critical voice, rather than trying to eliminate it
Kennedy encourages the parent to share personal experiences with their own inner critical voice to help the child build a relationship with his. When a child is faced with people smarter than him or unfamiliar tasks, he can recognize this critical voice as a familiar "passenger" and continue to "drive" despite its presence.
Encouraging the son to notice and anticipate when his critical inner voice appears, and practicing responding to it in a self-compassionate way
Instead of trying to eliminate the critical voice, Kennedy suggests the chi ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Strategies for helping the son develop a healthier self-image and inner dialogue
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Counterarguments
- While acknowledging the inner critical voice is important, some may argue that too much focus on it can inadvertently reinforce negative self-talk.
- The concept of "voices" or "parts" inside a person might be confusing or abstract for some children, potentially leading to misunderstanding the intended message.
- Building a relationship with the inner critical voice could be misconstrued by a child as accepting negative self-perceptions as unchangeable.
- Anticipating the critical voice might inadvertently lead to anxiety or a self-fulfilling prophecy where the child expects to struggle or fail.
- Encouraging self-compassion is beneficial, but without proper guidance, children might struggle to differentiate between self-compassion and making excuses for not trying their best.
- Focusing on handling challenges is crucial, but overemphasis on this aspect might downplay the importance of celebrating successes, which is also important for a healt ...
Actionables
- Create a "voice journal" to document and converse with your inner critic, noting when it speaks up and how it makes you feel. This can help you recognize patterns and triggers for your critical voice, allowing you to prepare compassionate responses ahead of time.
- Develop a personal "challenge portfolio" where you record instances where you've successfully handled difficult situations. Reviewing this can boost your self-trust and remind you that you're capable of overcoming obstacles, reinforcing the idea that confidence comes from within.
- Design a set of personalized af ...
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