How to Quiet Your Kid's Anxious and Busy Brain
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, psychologist Becky Kennedy explores ways to help intellectually advanced children manage anxious and intrusive thoughts that exceed their emotional coping skills. She shares examples of kids with "busy brains" grappling with existential and morbid fears beyond their years.
Kennedy advises parents to validate these worries instead of dismissing them, and models healthy techniques like separating anxious thoughts from one's core identity. She also recommends gradually facing fears in a supported environment to build resilience, while setting clear boundaries. By the end, parents will have tangible strategies for guiding children through intense anxieties while fostering their emotional growth.
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1-Page Summary
The Child's "Busy Brain"
Psychologist Becky Kennedy explains why some children grapple with big, complex thoughts and anxieties beyond their emotional coping skills. Kennedy acknowledges this tendency as a relatively common experience for intellectually advanced kids.
The Child's Worries
Kennedy shares examples of children having existential fears about threats or mortality, demonstrating a sophisticated but overwhelming thought process. She states that these "busy brains" don't signify parenting failures - rather, the child simply needs help developing emotional regulation to match their intellectual abilities.
Validating Instead of Fixing Fears
Kennedy suggests reflecting the child's feelings back to them, rather than immediately trying to reassure away their fears. According to Kennedy, children want to feel understood, not have their concerns dismissed. Neutralizing worries can make kids feel more alone and heighten fears.
Kennedy recommends personifying anxiety as a separate "part," helping the child realize difficult thoughts are normal. She promotes validating the experience, such as saying "Your busy brain is so loud right now."
Modeling Self-Talk for Anxiety
Kennedy advises parents to openly discuss their own intrusive thoughts and use self-aware dialogue to model healthy responses. For example: "There's my busy brain again." She talks about addressing anxious parts of the mind as separate, like saying "Heather, you need to take a backseat so I can sleep."
By narrating their own experiences and separating anxious thoughts, parents give kids a template for developing coping skills.
Facing Fears With Boundaries
While validating emotions, Kennedy stresses setting clear boundaries to help children face challenging situations they fear, like sharing toys. She suggests preparing the child in advance with expectations, rather than avoiding scary situations entirely.
Kennedy states letting kids encounter fears in a supported way builds resilience and empowerment over time, rather than fostering long-term anxiety.
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Counterarguments
- While reflecting a child's feelings back to them is important, it may not always be sufficient for all children, especially if they require more direct intervention or guidance to process their emotions.
- The concept of personifying anxiety might not resonate with every child, and for some, it could potentially lead to confusion about their feelings or internal experiences.
- Openly discussing parental intrusive thoughts could be overwhelming or inappropriate for a child, depending on their age and maturity level.
- The strategy of separating anxious thoughts as different "parts" of the mind might not align with all therapeutic approaches and could be at odds with methods that emphasize integration and acceptance of all thoughts.
- Setting clear boundaries is crucial, but the text does not address how to tailor this approach to children with different temperaments and personalities, who may respond differently to boundaries.
- Preparing children for scary situations is beneficial, but the text does not acknowledge that some children may need more gradual exposure to fears to prevent trauma or heightened anxiety.
- The idea of building resilience by facing fears must be balanced with the child's readiness and the potential for negative experiences to reinforce rather than alleviate fears.
- The text assumes that all children have the capacity to develop coping skills through modeling and conversation, which may not account for children with developmental differences or neurodiversity who may require alternative approaches.
Actionables
- Create a "Worry Monster" craft with your child to give their anxieties a physical form they can interact with. Explain that the Worry Monster loves to gobble up worries, and whenever they're feeling anxious, they can write down their fears and feed them to the monster. This externalizes their anxieties and makes the process of dealing with them more tangible and less intimidating.
- Develop a "Bravery Journal" for your child to document times when they faced their fears. Encourage them to write or draw about the experience, what they were afraid of, how they confronted it, and how they felt afterward. This reinforces the idea that facing fears is a positive and empowering action and helps them track their growth over time.
- Introduce a "Family Feelings Hour" where everyone in the family shares something that's been on their mind, without judgment or immediate solutions. Use a timer to ensure everyone gets an equal chance to speak. This practice fosters a supportive environment where feelings are validated and everyone learns from each other's coping strategies.
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Understanding the child's tendency for big, anxious thoughts
Psychologist Becky Kennedy addresses the reasons behind children’s sometimes alarming and precocious anxieties, providing insight into their internal experiences.
The child has a busy, sophisticated brain that is outpacing their emotional coping skills
Kennedy acknowledges that the caller's child possesses what she terms a "busy brain." This is indicative of a mind that is sophisticated for their age, grappling with thoughts and concepts that outstrip their current emotional coping skills. Kennedy shares that even her own child, at not even three years old, began contemplating mortality, a complex subject that can easily become overwhelming for a young individual.
At a young age, the child is grappling with complex, existential thoughts that can be overwhelming, such as fears about death or harm
The discussion points out that the busy brain of a child can lead to significant anxiety and fear as it applies sophisticated thinking to everyday situations. The caller's child, for instance, expressed an intense fear that a mean child from the playground might cause harm to her family, demonstrating not just an everyday worry but a metaphysical dread about potential threats.
The child's tendency for big, anxious thoughts is not a sign of parenting failure, but rather a common challenge for young kids with active minds
Kennedy wants to reassure parents that a child's tendency for such big, anxious thoughts is not indicative of a parenting shortcoming. Instead, it is a relative ...
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Understanding the child's tendency for big, anxious thoughts
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Counterarguments
- While a sophisticated brain may contribute to a child's big, anxious thoughts, it's also important to consider environmental factors such as exposure to stressful situations or learned behaviors from caregivers.
- Not all children with active minds will experience overwhelming existential thoughts; some may have a natural resilience or different focus in their thinking.
- The prevalence of big, anxious thoughts in children could also be influenced by cultural and societal factors, which may shape how children perceive and react to the world around them.
- While empathy is crucial, parents should also be equipped with strategies and to ...
Actionables
- Create a 'thought diary' for your child to help them express and manage their complex thoughts. Encourage your child to draw or write about their big thoughts each day, and discuss these entries together, focusing on understanding and validating their feelings rather than immediately trying to solve the issue. This can help them develop emotional coping skills at their own pace.
- Develop a 'worry time' routine where your child can save up their big thoughts for a specific time of day. During this period, sit with them and allow them to share their concerns without judgment. This can help contain their anxiety to a manageable part of the day and provide a safe space for emotional processing.
- Introduce age-appropriate mindfulness activities tailored to ...
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Validating the child's emotions rather than trying to fix them
Becky Kennedy addresses the importance of validating a child's emotions, highlighting the ineffectiveness of trying to immediately fix a child's fears.
Instead of immediately trying to reassure or avoid the child's fears, it's more effective to simply reflect back and validate what the child is experiencing
Kennedy suggests that when a child has big, busy thoughts, like pains related to being anxious or trying to understand the world, they are not necessarily seeking reassurance to make their fears disappear. She notes that children merely want to understand their experiences. Using simple reflections such as "You're really thinking about the gingerbread man" or acknowledging the presence and volume of their thoughts with statements like "That thought about not being left is so loud right now" are ways to show children that their feelings are being seen and understood.
When a caller tried reassurances like "I'm not leaving without you" or "Daddy and I will always protect you," the child’s anxiety did not subside, demonstrating the limitations of trying to reassure anxieties away. It was suggested that affirming the difficulties of the child's experience had a more positive impact, indicating that the child's deeper need is to feel seen and understood, rather than reassured.
Validating the child's emotions helps them feel less alone in their struggle, whereas attempts to "fix" the anxious thoughts can backfire and make the child feel more isolated
Kennedy reinforces that feeling alone in a struggle can be a more significant issue than the struggle itself. She explains that when adults try to reassure children by dismissing their thoughts as fine or safe, it could ironically lead to the child feeling more alone in their fears. Moreover, she also cautions against neutralizing the child's worries, which can paradoxically increase the fear by making the child believe the thought is even more concerning.
To assist childr ...
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Validating the child's emotions rather than trying to fix them
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Counterarguments
- While validating emotions is important, it's also necessary to teach children coping mechanisms and problem-solving skills to deal with their fears and anxieties.
- Over-validating without guiding children towards solutions might inadvertently reinforce anxiety or the belief that their fears are insurmountable.
- Some children might interpret validation as agreement and feel their fears are justified, potentially escalating the anxiety.
- There is a risk that excessive focus on validation could lead to overemphasis on emotional states, possibly hindering resilience-building.
- In certain situations, immediate reassurance can be comforting and necessary, especially in cases of acute distress where a child needs to feel secure before they can process their emotions.
- The concept of personifying worries, such as calling it the "worry boy," might not be effective for all children and could even be confusing or frightening for some.
- The effectiveness of these approaches can vary greatly depending on the child's age, development, personality, and the context of the situation.
- Some critics argue that modern parenting overly centers on the chil ...
Actionables
- Create an emotion diary for your child where they can draw or write about their feelings each day. This encourages them to express and acknowledge their emotions in a tangible way, and you can use this diary as a starting point for discussions about their feelings. For example, if your child draws a stormy cloud, you can talk about what that represents and explore their emotions together.
- Develop a "feelings chart" with your child that includes a range of emotions from happy to sad to angry, using colors or faces to represent each one. Hang it in a common area and invite your child to mark how they're feeling at different times of the day. This visual aid helps them recognize and label their emotions, and it gives you an opportunity to validate those feelings by discussing why they might feel a certain way at a certain time.
- Introduce a "worry time" routine where your child can set aside a specific time each day to talk about ...
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Modeling self-awareness and healthy self-talk around anxiety
Becky Kennedy emphasizes the importance of parents openly discussing their own experiences with anxiety to help children learn healthy self-talk and self-awareness when it comes to managing intrusive or worrying thoughts.
Parents can share their own experiences with intrusive or worrying thoughts, demonstrating how to acknowledge them without getting swept away
In her approach, Kennedy advises parents to model self-talk by sharing their own thoughts with their child, labeling the thought for what it is. This action helps to normalize the occurrence of thoughts, even worrisome ones, and shows that they are not only common but can also be managed.
Kennedy promotes a self-aware style of dialogue that parents can use, such as saying "wow, there's that busy brain again" when experiencing overwhelming thoughts. This phrase can help children learn that everyone experiences such thoughts and that they aren’t frightening or unusual. The technique also aims to demystify anxious thoughts, making them less intimidating.
Phrases like "There's my busy brain doing its thing again" or personifying the anxious thoughts as a separate "part" can make them less overwhelming
Kennedy provides further insightful examples for how parents can guide children in managing anxiety through self-talk. She suggests directly addressing the thought, asking it to step back to focus on the current task, or even using humor by personifying the busy part of one's brain with a name like "Heather", creating a sort of character that is separate from the child's control.
She illustrates this concept with a personal experience, describing how she encounters anxiety at night and uses self-talk to ask the anxiety to take a backseat so she can sleep. Kennedy elaborates on the mental health strategy of turning anxious thoughts into passengers, rather than drivers, of our lives.
Modeling this kind of self-aware, compassionate inner dialogue provides the child with a template for developing their own healthy coping m ...
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Modeling self-awareness and healthy self-talk around anxiety
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Counterarguments
- While normalizing anxiety is beneficial, there is a risk that parents might inadvertently minimize a child's feelings if they focus too much on normalizing rather than addressing the specific concerns of the child.
- Sharing personal experiences with anxiety might not always be appropriate for all ages, as younger children might not have the cognitive ability to understand or might become more anxious as a result.
- Personifying anxious thoughts could potentially lead to an unhealthy detachment from one's emotions if not guided properly, as it might encourage children to externalize rather than integrate and understand their feelings.
- The strategy of asking intrusive thoughts to step back might not be effective for everyone, as some individuals may require more structured cognitive-behavioral techniques or professional intervention to manage their anxiety.
- There is a possibility that using humor to address anxious thoughts might not resonate with every child, and some might feel that their feelings are not being taken seriously.
- The approach assumes that parents have a healthy relationship with their own anxiety and are capable of modeling positive self-talk, which might not be the case for all parents.
- The techniques discu ...
Actionables
- Create a family "worry journal" where each member can write down their anxious thoughts and the self-talk they used to address them. This shared resource encourages open communication about anxiety and provides real examples of how to handle stress. For instance, a parent might write, "I was worried about my presentation, but I told myself that I've prepared and can only do my best."
- Develop a "mind characters" game where family members invent characters that represent different parts of their minds, like "Worry Walter" or "Brave Bella." Use these characters in storytelling to illustrate how to manage anxious thoughts. During dinner, you could tell a story about how "Worry Walter" tried to take the wheel during your day, but "Brave Bella" reminded him to relax and take a back seat.
- Start a routine of "thought check-ins" during family time wh ...
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Setting boundaries and not avoiding the child's fears
Kennedy offers advice on how to help children face their fears with support from their parents, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries and expectations.
While validating the child's emotions, it's also important for parents to set clear boundaries and expectations, even if it leads to temporary distress
Kennedy highlights the significance of validating a child's emotions while also setting clear boundaries during potentially challenging situations such as playdates where toys need to be shared. Instead of completely removing the child from the situation or colluding with the child's fear by prohibiting other children from playing with certain toys, Kennedy discusses the importance of preparing the child in advance for what will happen. She insists that parents should conduct themselves without fear and demonstrate that it is okay to share toys and that nothing catastrophic will happen as a result.
For example, letting a child know certain toys will need to be shared, rather than removing the child from the situation entirely
Further explaining her position, Kennedy advises parents to tell the child exactly what will occur when another child, like Alexa, comes to play, including which toys can be put away beforehand and what actions the parent will take if there is a problem.
Facing fears in a supported way, rather than avoiding them, ultimately helps the child build resilience and a sense of control
Parents are cautioned against attempting to prevent their child from ever feeling upset, which Kennedy s ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Setting boundaries and not avoiding the child's fears
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While setting boundaries is important, it's also crucial to ensure they are age-appropriate and flexible to the child's individual needs and developmental stage.
- Over-preparing a child for a challenging situation might inadvertently signal that there is something to fear, potentially increasing anxiety.
- Some children may have developmental or psychological conditions that require more nuanced approaches than simply encouraging them to face their fears.
- The concept of not colluding with a child's fear might not acknowledge the full complexity of a child's emotional experiences and could be perceived as dismissive.
- The advice may not take into account cultural differences in parenting styles and expectations around sharing and emotional expression.
- Encouraging children to face their fears without adequate emotional support might lead to negative experiences that could reinforce the fear rather than alleviate it.
- The strategy of informing a child about sharing toys might not address underlying issues of possessiveness or attachment to o ...
Actionables
- Create a "Bravery Journal" for your child to document moments they faced their fears, including the emotions they felt and the outcomes. This can help children reflect on their experiences, recognize their growth, and understand that emotions are a natural part of challenging situations. For example, after your child tries a new activity they were initially afraid of, sit down with them to add the experience to the journal, discussing what they were afraid of, how they overcame it, and how they felt afterward.
- Develop a "Challenge Calendar" where you plan and prepare for one small, manageable challenge each week with your child. This could range from trying a new food, playing a game with new rules, or taking turns during playtime with friends. The calendar serves as a visual reminder and preparation tool, making the concept of facing fears and sharing more routine and predictable for your child.
- Introduce a "Coping Toolbox" that your child can dec ...
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