Revisit - Back to School Anxiety
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, the host tackles the challenging issue of children's anxiety over new transitions. A parent calls in seeking guidance on her daughter's intense fear of starting school bus rides—crying whenever the bus is mentioned despite generally adapting well to past changes. Dr. Becky acknowledges the parent's internal struggle between alleviating her daughter's anxiety and prioritizing personal convenience.
The episode provides strategies for supporting children through such transitions, including validating their feelings while reinforcing their resilience. Dr. Becky also advises how parents can communicate decisions confidently and maintain a comforting presence for the child during separations. The discussion offers insight into navigating this all-too-common parenting challenge.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Aug 27, 2024 episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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1-Page Summary
The child's anxiety about a new transition (starting the school bus)
A caller discussed her nearly six-year-old daughter's intense anxiety about riding the school bus for the first time, according to Becky Kennedy. The child refuses to talk about the bus, crying whenever it's brought up due to not knowing anyone else on the bus, making the situation highly unfamiliar.
The child has generally handled school transitions well in the past, so this bus-related anxiety seems to be the main issue.
Despite the child handling previous separations without trouble, Kennedy notes the anxiety stems from the specific change of taking the bus, which is new.
The Parent's Internal Struggle with Making the Right Decision for Their Child
The caller reveals feeling guilty about prioritizing her own convenience by having the child take the bus, says Kennedy. This would save the parent two hours a day, but she worries if it's selfish since her daughter is "freaking out" about the bus.
The parent doubts if she is making the right choice and if her child is ready for this transition. Kennedy highlights the challenge of weighing the child's struggle against the parent's benefit.
Strategies for supporting the child through the transition and building the parent's confidence
Validate the child's anxiety and believe in their adaptability
Kennedy advises validating the child's feelings while conveying belief in their ability to adapt, using phrases like "there goes that question again" to address doubts. Parents should remind themselves of the child's strength.
Provide a sense of connection and comfort
Kennedy supports the caller's idea of leaving recorded messages or notes for the child on the bus, helping maintain the parent's presence during separation.
Project confidence in communicating decisions
Kennedy stresses the importance of the parent rehearsing how to firmly communicate the bus decision, using techniques like jumping jacks to raise adrenaline and project steadfast confidence that models the child's adaptability.
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Counterarguments
- While validating the child's anxiety is important, it's also crucial to ensure that this validation doesn't inadvertently reinforce the anxiety.
- The strategy of leaving recorded messages or notes might be helpful, but it could also potentially become a crutch that the child relies on, rather than learning to cope with the anxiety independently.
- Projecting confidence when communicating the decision to take the bus is important, but it's also essential to ensure that the child feels heard and understood, rather than simply overruled by parental authority.
- The parent's guilt about prioritizing convenience could be reframed as making a decision that benefits the family as a whole, including the child in the long term by fostering independence.
- The idea that the child has handled previous transitions well might not necessarily predict how they will handle this particular transition, as each new experience can present unique challenges.
- Encouraging adaptability is key, but it's also important to recognize that some children may need more time to adjust to new situations than others, and pushing too hard can sometimes be counterproductive.
- The use of physical exercises like jumping jacks to raise adrenaline and project confidence might not be effective for everyone and could potentially increase anxiety for some individuals.
Actionables
- Create a personalized "bus adventure" book with your child that illustrates the journey, including friendly characters and positive outcomes, to help them visualize and become comfortable with the experience.
- By crafting a storybook together, you're giving your child a sense of control and familiarity with the bus ride. Use photos or drawings of the actual bus, include a character that represents your child successfully navigating the journey, and end with a happy reunion at home. This can make the concept of riding the bus more tangible and less intimidating.
- Develop a "bravery beads" system where your child earns a bead for each bus ride they complete, which they can exchange for a reward after collecting a certain number.
- This gamifies the experience and gives your child a visual representation of their courage and progress. Choose colorful beads and a special container to keep them in. Discuss with your child what rewards they can look forward to, such as a family outing or a small toy, which can motivate them to face the bus ride.
- Organize a "bus buddy" system with another parent, where an older child who is comfortable with the bus mentors your child during the initial rides.
- Partner with another parent whose child is a seasoned bus rider and willing to be a mentor. Arrange for the children to meet before the first bus ride, so they can build rapport. This provides your child with a familiar face on the bus and a sense of security knowing they have a friend to look out for them.
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The child's anxiety about a new transition (starting the school bus)
A caller has shared concerns regarding her nearly six-year-old daughter's apprehension about beginning first grade, especially since it includes the new experience of riding the school bus.
The child has never ridden a bus before and is very resistant to the idea, refusing to even discuss it.
The child expresses a strong emotional response to the prospect of taking the bus, manifesting in upset feelings and crying whenever the subject is brought up, even hypothetically. The caller states that her daughter's resistance is so intense that she becomes incapable of engaging in any conversations about the bus, likely due to the novelty of the experience and her complete lack of familiarity with buses.
The child's anxiety stems from not knowing anyone else on the bus and the unfamiliarity of the situation.
Revealing a deeper layer of her daughter's distress, the caller admits that the child is anxious about not having any acquaintances on the bus. The parent confirms the child will indeed not know anybody when she begins taking the bus, heightening the child's sense of isolation and contributing to her reluctance.
The child has generally handled school transitions an ...
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The child's anxiety about a new transition (starting the school bus)
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Clarifications
- The caller is worried about her daughter's anxiety related to starting first grade, particularly concerning the new experience of riding the school bus. The child's strong emotional response and refusal to discuss taking the bus indicate a significant level of distress. The parent's concerns are focused on the child's apprehension about this specific aspect of starting first grade, as opposed to general school-related transitions.
- The child's resistance to riding the school bus and refusal to discuss it may stem from her fear of the unknown, as she has never experienced bus transportation before. This lack of familiarity with buses could be causing heightened anxiety and emotional distress for her, leading to her strong aversion to the idea of taking the bus. The child's reluctance to engage in conversations about the bus may be a coping mechanism triggered by the overwhelming nature of this new and unfamiliar situation.
- The child's intense emotional response and crying when the bus is mentioned could be due to her fear of the unknown, as she has never ridden a bus before and lacks familiarity with the experience. This fear of the unfamiliar situation, compounded by the prospect of not knowing anyone on the bus, may be causing heightened anxiety and emotional distress for the child. Her strong reaction suggests a significant level of discomfort and apprehension towards this new and unfamiliar aspect of starting first grade.
- The child's anxiety about not knowing anyone on the bus stems from her fear of being alone in a new environment without familiar faces for support. This lack of social connection can intensify feelings of isolation and uncertainty, making the bus ride a daunting prospect for her. The child's comfort and confidence in social situations are often influenced by th ...
Counterarguments
- The child's strong emotional response might not solely be due to the bus itself but could be a manifestation of broader anxieties or a fear of change that is being projected onto the bus situation.
- Resistance to discussing the bus might not be entirely due to unfamiliarity; it could also be a result of how the discussions are approached or the child's current coping mechanisms for stress and anxiety.
- The child's anxiety about not knowing anyone on the bus could be mitigated through strategies such as arranging playdates with future bus-mates before school starts or finding a bus buddy who is a familiar face.
- While the child has handled transitions well in the past, it's possible that previous transitions were not as challenging or intimidatin ...
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The Parent's Internal Struggle with Making the Right Decision for Their Child
Parents often face difficult decisions, weighing their own needs against those of their children, as indicated by one caller's experience addressed by Becky Kennedy.
The Parent Feels Guilty about Prioritizing Their Own Convenience and Schedule Over Their Child's Comfort and Preference
The caller expresses a struggle with self-care, questioning whether the time she sets aside for herself is excessive for a parent: "I have issues around the quantity and the time for myself that I take, and whether or not it's an acceptable amount for someone to want." This statement reflects an internal conflict about needing personal breaks.
These feelings extend to her daughter's mode of transport, where she worries if it's selfish of her to prefer the bus over driving her child to school, which would save her about two hours a day. The parent knows it's not essential for their child to take the bus, but it is more convenient for her. "Is this too much? Is this like, you know, my kid is freaking out," she explains, considering the right balance between being a sturdy leader and attending to her own needs.
The Parent Struggles with Doubting Whether They Are Making the Right Decision and Worries That Their Child May Not Be Ready for This Transition
As the parent navigates this decision, Becky Kennedy points out: "They can't even talk about it. It's just a car ride. Like where does this fit in that equation, right?" Here, Becky Kennedy addresses the challenge of making a decision that is weighed down by how much it affects the child compared to the benefit for the parent.
Driven by a desire to have her daughter ride the bus for her convenience rather than necessity, the caller shares feelings of panic and self-doubt. Kennedy probes if this makes the ...
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The Parent's Internal Struggle with Making the Right Decision for Their Child
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Becky Kennedy is a renowned family therapist and parenting expert known for her compassionate and insightful approach to addressing family dynamics and challenges. She often provides guidance and support to parents navigating difficult decisions and conflicts within their families. Kennedy's expertise lies in helping individuals and families build healthier relationships and find ...
Counterarguments
- Self-care is essential for parents to maintain their well-being, which in turn benefits their children.
- Prioritizing convenience is not inherently selfish if it contributes to a more balanced and sustainable family routine.
- Using the bus can be a valuable experience for a child's independence and social development.
- Children often adapt to transitions more readily than parents anticipate, and resilience can be fostered through such changes.
- Doubts and self-reflection are natural parts of the decision-making process and can lead to more thoughtful outcomes.
- Feeling panic and self-doubt does not necessarily reflect the quality of the decision made; it may be more indicative of a parent's high level of concern and care.
- Setting boundaries is a c ...
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Strategies for supporting the child through the transition and building the parent's confidence
Supporting a child through transitions like starting to ride the bus to school can be a tumultuous time for both child and parent. Becky Kennedy provides tips on handling this change gently and with conviction, while nurturing both the child's adaptability and the parent's confidence in the decision.
Validate the child's anxiety and believe in their adaptability
Pairing empathetic validation with hopeful messaging
Kennedy highlights the importance of parents validating the child's anxiety while also conveying a belief in the child's ability to adapt to changes such as riding the bus. By acknowledging the child's feelings without indulging in panic or doubt, the parent can help the child deal with negative reactions and build resilience. Kennedy advises parents to be mindful of their thought processes and to avoid seeking absolute certainty in their decisions. Instead, they should recognize their tendency to doubt and remind themselves that they may never solve that equation, focusing on noticing when the questioning thought arises.
To practice, Kennedy encourages saying phrases like "there goes that question again" to become comfortable with the anxiety associated with decision-making. Parents should remind themselves of the child's strength and capability, enforcing the belief that the child will develop resilience through facing and overcoming challenges.
Provide a sense of connection and comfort
Creative strategies for parental presence
The parent can transcend physical absence by finding creative ways to offer the child a sense of connection during the bus ride. Kennedy supports the caller's idea to record messages or leave notes that the child can listen to or look at, integrating the parent’s presence into the child's experience. She stresses that these tactics are meant to meet the child's need for support and reassurance during separation rather than capitulating to their specific demands.
Project confidence in communicating decisions
Delivering decis ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Strategies for supporting the child through the transition and building the parent's confidence
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While validating a child's anxiety is important, overemphasis on validation without encouraging problem-solving can potentially reinforce anxiety rather than fostering resilience.
- Pairing empathetic validation with hopeful messaging might sometimes create mixed signals for the child, especially if they are not ready to process the hopeful aspect during moments of high anxiety.
- Acknowledging feelings is crucial, but there should also be a balance where parents guide children towards constructive ways of dealing with emotions rather than just acknowledging them.
- Being mindful of thought processes is beneficial, but it's also important for parents to sometimes seek clarity and certainty to provide stable and clear guidance to their children.
- Constantly reminding oneself of the child's strength and capability might lead to overlooking areas where the child genuinely needs help and support.
- Creative strategies for parental presence are thoughtful, but they could potentially become a crutch for the child, delaying their ability to cope independently.
- Recording messages or leaving notes for the child can be comforting, but it might also prevent the child from engaging with their peers and surroundings, which is an important part of the bus ride experience.
- Projecting confidence is key, but it's also important for parents to show vulnerability and authentic ...
Actionables
- Create a "confidence playlist" with songs that make you feel empowered and play it during your morning routine to set a positive tone for the day. This can help you embody a sense of assurance and project confidence when communicating decisions to your child. For example, if you know you have to discuss changing schools with your child, listening to your playlist beforehand can help you approach the conversation with a calm and confident demeanor.
- Develop a "strengths journal" for your child where you note down instances when they showed resilience or adaptability. Refer to this journal when your child is feeling anxious to remind them of their past successes. This can be a shared activity where your child also contributes to the journal, reinforcing their self-belief and providing a tangible reminder of ...
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