My Kid is Scared to Try Anything New
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, she discusses how to nurture a child's growth while respecting their hesitant temperament and tendency to show initial resistance to new activities. Dr. Becky explores the balance between encouraging children to expand their horizons and valuing their autonomy as they mature.
She proposes using an "internal family systems" model to help children recognize the different "parts" that influence decision-making about trying new experiences. By giving voice to both the hesitant side and the capable side, Dr. Becky advises validating children's emotions while affirming their ability to navigate challenges, drawing on past successes. The conversation centers on developing self-awareness and self-regulation to foster independence and growth.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Jul 16, 2024 episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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1-Page Summary
The Child's Hesitant/Cautious Temperament
Becky Kennedy discusses how a child's hesitant temperament influences their behavior, characterized by reluctance to try new experiences and activities.
Slow to Warm Up to New Activities
According to Kennedy, children with this temperament often express initial resistance to joining new activities like parties or sports, using statements like "I don't wanna go." However, once participating, they frequently find enjoyment in the activity.
A Long-Standing Tendency
Kennedy notes this hesitant nature is a consistent pattern observed in the child since early childhood. Although well-adjusted with friends, the child remains cautious about embarking on unfamiliar experiences across various domains.
Parenting Approaches
Over the years, the parents have balanced encouraging their son to try new opportunities with respecting his autonomy as he matures.
Balancing Encouragement and Autonomy
Initially signing their son up for activities to expand his horizons, the parents have shifted to a more consultative approach as he's entered his teens. Kennedy highlights this balance between providing exposure while valuing the child's temperament.
Fostering Independence and Growth
While emphasizing new experiences' importance, the parents aim to foster decision-making skills and independence. As Kennedy advises, this approach respects the child's growing autonomy while motivating pursuit of growth opportunities.
Developing Self-Awareness and Self-Regulation
Kennedy discusses using an "internal family systems" model to help the child understand the different internal "parts" influencing decision-making regarding new experiences.
Recognizing Internal Voices
The parents plan to have a conversation helping the child recognize the "hesitant" part resisting new activities and the "capable" part open to growth. By voicing these parts, Kennedy suggests the child can regulate which part governs decisions.
Validating Both Capability and Hesitancy
Crucially, Kennedy emphasizes validating the child's hesitancy while affirming capability to navigate challenges, drawing on past success stories. This balanced approach gives voice to both the hesitant and capable sides of the child's internal experience.
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Counterarguments
- While recognizing a child's hesitant temperament is important, it's also crucial to ensure that this labeling does not become a self-fulfilling prophecy where the child feels pigeonholed into a certain behavior pattern.
- The effectiveness of the "internal family systems" model may vary from child to child, and it's not the only psychological framework that can be used to address a child's hesitancy.
- Encouraging a child to try new things is important, but there should be a careful consideration of the child's stress levels and mental health, as pushing too hard may lead to negative experiences.
- The balance between fostering independence and encouraging new experiences can be complex, and what works for one child may not work for another; parents should be open to adapting their approach.
- The focus on past success stories to affirm capability might inadvertently pressure the child to live up to previous achievements, which could be counterproductive in some cases.
- The consultative approach with teenagers is generally positive, but it's important to recognize that teens still need guidance and may not always make decisions in their best long-term interest.
- Validating hesitancy is important, but it's also necessary to challenge it appropriately to prevent the child from avoiding growth opportunities due to fear or discomfort.
Actionables
- You can create a "challenge jar" where your child writes down new activities they're curious about but hesitant to try, and periodically they can draw one to explore.
- This strategy turns decision-making into a game and reduces the pressure of choosing. For example, your child might write "try a cooking class" or "join a book club" on separate slips of paper. When they draw one, it feels more like chance than a forced decision, making the activity feel less daunting.
- Develop a "bravery board" where your child can pin pictures or descriptions of new experiences they've tried and enjoyed.
- This visual representation serves as a reminder of past successes, which can encourage them to try new things. For instance, after attending a new art workshop and enjoying it, they can pin up their artwork or a photo from the event, reinforcing the positive outcome.
- Introduce a "role-play day" where your child pretends to be an explorer or detective, tasked with discovering new activities or hobbies.
- By adopting a playful persona, your child can approach new experiences with a sense of adventure and curiosity. You might set up a mini 'mystery' where the clues lead to trying out a new sport or learning a simple magic trick, making the process fun and engaging.
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The child's hesitant/cautious temperament and how it affects their behavior
Becky Kennedy addresses the characteristic behaviors of children with a hesitant or cautious temperament, revealing how this trait influences their interactions with new experiences and activities.
The child at the center of the discussion is slow to warm up to new experiences and often exhibits reluctance when it comes to trying new things. Kennedy illustrates this with examples from her practice and personal life, providing insight into the child's behavioral patterns and the underlying temperament that shapes these actions.
The child is slow to warm up to new experiences and is often hesitant about trying new things, but generally enjoys the activities once he participates.
The child's hesitant nature can manifest as resistance or reluctance to join new activities, even when the activities may be enjoyable for him.
Kennedy discusses a child who typically displays hesitation when faced with new activities, whether it's attending a birthday party, having a playdate, or playing a sport like soccer. The child frequently expresses their reluctance through statements such as "I don't wanna go to that birthday party. I don't want a play date. I don't even like soccer."
Despite the initial resistance, the child often has a positive experience once he is convinced to participate in the new activity.
Despite his initial hesitancy, once the child participates, he usually finds enjoyment in the activity. Kennedy recalls her own daughter's similar behavior, where she would sit out for most of a party before finally joining in and having a good time.
The child's hesitant temperament is a long-standing part of his personality that the parents have observed since he was young.
The child is generally well-adjusted and has friendships, but his hesitant nature is a consistent pattern.
The caller describes their 14-year-old son's cautious temperament, which has been observable si ...
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The child's hesitant/cautious temperament and how it affects their behavior
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Counterarguments
- While the child may often enjoy activities once participating, it's not a guarantee for all children with hesitant temperaments; some may continue to feel uncomfortable or not enjoy the activity even after joining.
- The idea that a child's hesitant nature is a long-standing part of their personality could be challenged by the notion that temperaments can evolve over time due to environmental influences or personal growth.
- The consistent pattern of reluctance in a child could sometimes be misinterpreted as a hesitant temperament when it might actually be a result of past negative experiences or a lack of interest in the specific activities offered.
- The assertion that the child is generally well-adjusted might overlook the complexity of a child's social and emotional life, where they could be facing unseen challenges that contribute to their hesitancy.
- The recommendation to help children voice their feelings and overcome retic ...
Actionables
- Create a "Warm-Up" storybook with your child where they are the main character overcoming hesitancy. Together, write short stories where the character faces new situations, expresses their feelings, and gradually finds joy in participation. Illustrate these stories with your child to make it more engaging and read them before trying new activities to set a positive expectation.
- Develop a "New Experience Journal" for your child to draw or write about their feelings before and after new activities. Encourage them to use colors or stickers to express their emotions, and review the journal entries together to discuss changes in feelings and celebrate their bravery in trying new things.
- Introduce a "Fi ...
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Parenting approaches for supporting a child with this temperament
Parents have adopted various strategies over the years to support their child's hesitant temperament, balancing encouragement to try new things with respect for the child’s autonomy.
Over the years, the parents have tried a balanced approach of sometimes pushing the child to try new things, while also allowing him autonomy in decision-making.
The parents initially would sign their son up for various activities to encourage him to step outside his comfort zone during his younger years. This approach aimed to broaden his horizons and introduce him to growth opportunities that he might have avoided because of hesitation.
As the child has matured into his teenage years, the parents have shifted their approach to be more consultative, stepping back to allow him more agency in making his own choices. Kennedy supports this strategy, noting that parents of hesitant children often face the decision of balancing when to push and when to allow autonomy.
The parents want to continue fostering the child's independence and decision-making abilities, while also encouraging him to pursue growth opportunities.
While the parents continue to value the importance of exposure to new experiences and opportunities, they recognize the need to respect the child's temperament. They do not want to force him into situations where he would be clearly uncomfortable.
Kennedy stresses the significance of foster ...
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Parenting approaches for supporting a child with this temperament
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Counterarguments
- While fostering independence is important, too much autonomy too soon can be overwhelming for a child and may lead to poor decision-making due to a lack of experience.
- Encouraging a child to try new things is beneficial, but it should be balanced with the child's own pace and readiness to avoid creating anxiety or resistance to future challenges.
- Signing a child up for various activities can be a good strategy to expose them to new experiences, but it may also lead to over-scheduling and stress if not carefully managed.
- A consultative approach in the teenage years is valuable, but parents should still provide guidance and boundaries to help the child navigate complex decisions.
- Respecting a child's temperament is crucial, but there may be times when gentle encouragement to step outside their comfort zone is necessary for their growth and development.
- The emphasis on not forcing the child into uncomfortable situations is considerate, but some level of discomfort is often part of learning and can build resilience.
- While fostering decision-making skills is a goal, it's important to ensure that the child also learns to consider the advice and wisdom of others, not just their own autonomy.
- Communicating respect for a child's ...
Actionables
- You can create a "decision jar" with your child where you both write down potential new activities on slips of paper, and each week, your child draws one to explore if they choose. This method respects their autonomy by giving them the power to select an activity, but also introduces the element of surprise and variety to encourage trying new things.
- Develop a "growth passport" for your child, a booklet where they can collect stamps or stickers for each new experience they try, whether it's a new food, hobby, or skill. This tangible record of their experiences celebrates their bravery and growth without pressuring them into activities, making the process of trying new things more rewarding and self-motivated.
- Initiate a family "challenge day" once a month where each family ...
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Strategies for helping the child develop self-awareness and self-regulation
Becky Kennedy discusses a model taken from internal family systems to aid children in understanding the different "parts" within themselves that influence their decision-making. The parents plan to use this model to help their child develop self-awareness and self-regulation.
The parents plan to have a conversation with the child to help him become more aware of the different "parts" of himself that influence his decision-making.
Kennedy suggests that parents talk with their child about the existence of these internal voices: one that is hesitant and resists new experiences and another that is capable and open to growth. This conversation aims to make the child aware of which part of himself is influencing his decisions at any given moment. The parents believe their son is capable of understanding and benefiting from this framework.
By helping the child recognize these internal parts, the parents hope he will learn to take more control over his decision-making process and not be overpowered by the hesitant part. Kennedy advises reinforcing the idea that it is common to have both a hesitant and a capable side, and that acknowledging the hesitant voice can help prevent it from dominating, allowing the child to access their resilient side.
The parents aim to validate the child's feelings of hesitation and nervousness, while also affirming his capability to navigate new challenges.
Kennedy underscores the importance of validating the child's feelings of hesitancy, while also communicating confidence in his capacity to manage and overcome challenges. She recommends acknowledging the child's hesitancy as natural, but also reminding him of past instances where he faced his doubts and ended up feeling grateful for the growth that ensued.
By emphasizing both t ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Strategies for helping the child develop self-awareness and self-regulation
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- The model may oversimplify complex psychological processes, potentially leading to a misunderstanding of the child's internal experiences.
- Children's cognitive development varies, and some may not be able to grasp the abstract concept of "parts" within themselves.
- Labeling aspects of the self as "hesitant" or "capable" might inadvertently reinforce a binary view of personality traits, which doesn't account for the fluidity and spectrum of human emotions and behaviors.
- The approach may place too much responsibility on the child to manage their emotions, possibly overlooking the need for professional support in some cases.
- The strategy could lead to an overemphasis on self-reliance and undervalue the importance of seeking help or collaboration in decision-making.
- The focus on individual self-regulation might neglect the role of environmental factors and external support systems in a child's development.
- There is a risk that parents might misinterpret or misapply the m ...
Actionables
- Create a visual decision-making map to help you identify and label the different "parts" that influence your choices. Draw a tree with branches representing various aspects of your personality, such as the cautious part, the adventurous part, and the logical part. When faced with a decision, use the map to trace which parts are active and how they might be affecting your thought process.
- Start a reflective journaling practice where you write letters from the perspective of your different internal "parts." For instance, write a letter from the part of you that hesitates before new experiences, and then respond with a letter from the part that is capable and ready to face challenges. This exercise can help you understand and balance the diverse voices within you.
- Develop a personal affirmation ritual that acknowledges your internal dialogue before maki ...
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