The "More" Kids
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Kennedy and guest Debbie Reber discuss the nuances of parenting "differently wired" or "deeply feeling" kids. These children experience heightened emotional sensitivity and intensity, exhibiting elevated reactivity compared to peers.
The conversation explores the common challenges parents face, including feelings of isolation, anxiety over their child's future, and doubts about traditional parenting approaches. Kennedy and Reber offer strategies for adopting a mindset focused on possibilities, finding the appropriate balance between support and challenge for the child's needs, and being flexible rather than rigid in expectations.
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1-Page Summary
Framing and Understanding Differently Wired/Deeply Feeling Kids
Debbie Reber introduced the term "differently wired" as a positive reframing for any way of moving through the world that deviates from the norm. Becky Kennedy notes these children experience and navigate their environments with heightened intensity and emotional reactivity compared to peers.
Deeply Feeling Kids Have More Intense Emotional Responses
Deeply feeling kids display elevated emotional sensitivity, per Kennedy. They can quickly go from calm to very upset, pushing away help when needing it most. Their intense feelings like meltdowns and defiance are core to their identity, not flaws.
The Parenting Experience and Challenges
Feelings of Isolation and Inadequacy
Reber highlights the isolation parents often feel, like they're constantly failing compared to parents of neurotypical kids. Seeing other children's milestones amplifies feelings of inadequacy. Reber speaks to the pain of letting go of her envisioned path for her child.
Anxiety Over the Child's Future
Parents grapple with fears their child won't thrive as an adult, per Reber. This can drive over-controlling behavior to secure favorable outcomes, though Reber advises being present despite the urge to look too far ahead.
Strategies and Mindset Shifts
Question Expectations and Be Flexible
Kennedy asserts preconceived notions of parenting may not suit a differently wired child. Reber stresses questioning everything known about parenting when traditional approaches don't align with the child's needs.
Adopt a Mindset of Possibility, Not Fear
Kennedy discusses intervening from hope in the child's capabilities, not frustration or fear, which Reber echoes children can sense. Reber advises seeing opportunities for growth, not just fixing problems.
Balance Support and Challenge
Reber explains deeply understanding the child's needs to provide appropriate support while stretching them slightly. Celebrate small wins and nurture strengths. Kennedy suggests not letting emotionality lead, but also not overwhelming with rigid behavior standards.
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Counterarguments
- While "differently wired" is a positive reframing, it may not always be recognized or accepted in broader society, which could affect access to resources and support.
- Heightened intensity and emotional reactivity can sometimes be misinterpreted as behavioral issues rather than aspects of a child's identity, leading to inappropriate responses from educators or peers.
- Intense emotional responses may be core to a child's identity, but without proper guidance, they could also impede social development and learning.
- Feelings of isolation and inadequacy among parents could sometimes stem from a lack of community or societal support rather than from the child's behavior itself.
- Concerns about a child's future are natural, but over-controlling behavior might not necessarily secure favorable outcomes and could strain the parent-child relationship.
- Questioning parenting expectations is important, but there may be foundational parenting practices that are universally beneficial and should not be disregarded.
- An exclusively positive mindset might overlook the real challenges and struggles that come with raising a deeply feeling child, which need to be acknowledged and addressed.
- Balancing support and challenge is crucial, but what constitutes appropriate support and challenge can vary greatly and may require professional guidance to determine.
- Celebrating small wins and nurturing strengths is important, but it is also necessary to address and work on areas of difficulty to ensure a well-rounded development.
Actionables
- Create a "Feelings Journal" for your child to express emotions through art or writing, which can help them process their intense feelings in a constructive way. By providing a dedicated space for self-expression, your child can explore their emotions, identify patterns, and learn to communicate their feelings more effectively. For example, they might draw a picture when they're too overwhelmed to use words or write a story that mirrors their emotional experience.
- Develop a "Strengths Spotlight" routine where you dedicate time each week to focus on and celebrate your child's unique abilities and successes, no matter how small. This practice reinforces positive self-perception and encourages resilience. For instance, if your child excels at puzzles, have a weekly puzzle night that showcases this strength and provides a sense of accomplishment.
- Organize a monthly "Parent Exchange" meetup with other parents of differently wired children to share experiences, strategies, and support. By connecting with others in similar situations, you can combat feelings of isolation and learn new approaches to challenges. During these meetups, parents can swap stories, offer advice, and even arrange playdates for their children to foster social connections.
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Framing and understanding differently wired/deeply feeling kids
Debbie Reber and Becky Kennedy tackle the language and understanding surrounding children who are "differently wired" and deeply feeling, offering a more positive, strength-based approach to their unique experiences.
Differently wired is a positive, strengths-based term that captures the unique experiences of some children
Reber introduced the term "differently wired" as a more positive reframing for any way of moving through the world that deviates from the norm—intentionally avoiding deficit-based language often associated with neurodivergence.
The term "differently wired" was intentionally chosen to avoid the deficit-based language often associated with neurodivergence
Reber expressed frustration with the traditional deficit-based language surrounding neurodivergence, noting that terms like neural diversity were not widely used or understood. She explains that neurodivergent individuals are more intensely affected by common societal environments like school or work.
These children tend to have heightened intensity in how they experience and navigate different environments
Reber and Kennedy both highlight that differently wired and deeply feeling children experience and navigate their environments with a heightened intensity compared to their peers.
Deeply feeling children have elevated emotional reactivity and sensitivity compared to their peers
Deeply feeling kids often display elevated emotional reactivity and sensitivity. Kennedy describes these children as going from calm to very upset quickly and tending to push away help when they need it most.
Their heightened emotional responses can lead to more intense challenges like meltdowns and defiance
However, Kennedy stresses that these characteristics should not be viewed as limitations. Instead, she emphasizes that deeply feeling kids are capable of learning and growth. She explains these children as having more emotional reactivity, more resistance, tears, meltdowns, and defiance.
These children's deep feelings are a core part of who they are, not a ...
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Framing and understanding differently wired/deeply feeling kids
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Counterarguments
- While "differently wired" is intended to be a positive term, it may still carry the risk of othering children by emphasizing their differences.
- The focus on strength-based language might inadvertently minimize the real challenges and support needs that neurodivergent children and their families face.
- Emphasizing the intensity of a child's experience could lead to overlooking the individual variability among neurodivergent children, not all of whom may identify with heightened emotional reactivity or sensitivity.
- The assertion that deeply feeling children's emotions are not a flaw to be fixed might conflict with the need for interventions that help these children cope with their intense emotions in a society that is not always accommodating.
- Encouraging parents not to walk on eggshells could be misinterpreted as a license to dismiss or downplay a child's emotional experiences, rather than finding a balance between acknowledgment and support.
- The availab ...
Actionables
- Create a 'deeply feeling' diary to track your child's emotional patterns and triggers, noting the times of day, activities, and interactions that precede intense emotional responses. This can help you anticipate and prepare for situations that might be challenging for your child, allowing you to proactively create a supportive environment.
- Develop a personalized emotion regulation toolkit with your child that includes items and activities they find calming or enjoyable, such as stress balls, favorite music, or drawing supplies. Involve your child in the creation process to ensure the toolkit is tailored to their preferences and can be used as a go-to resource during moments of heightened emotio ...
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The parenting experience and challenges
Discussing the unique struggles faced by parents of children who are not neurotypical, Debbie Reber and Becky Kennedy shed light on the emotions and fears that can accompany this distinct parenting journey.
Parents of differently wired kids often feel isolated and like failures compared to parents of neurotypical children
Reber touches on the isolation parents of differently wired children often feel. She emphasizes how parents can feel like they are constantly getting it wrong, especially when they see the strategies that work for parents of neurotypical children failing in their own experiences. Reber and Kennedy delve into the "compare and despair" phenomenon, where seeing the progression of other children can amplify feelings of inadequacy among these parents.
The feelings of inadequacy can be pronounced during significant social events like graduations or prom, when the differences in achievements or milestones are most visible. Reber and Kennedy note the challenge in reconciling the preconceived ideas of who their child might be with the reality of their unique individuality. The continual work to accept that one's family's path is different is highlighted as a poignant part of the experience.
Debbie Reber speaks to the pain involved in letting go of the vision she had for how her child would move through the world. Isolation can stem from the fear of stigma and the concern of their children being labeled, leading to feelings of failure. Kennedy speaks to the comfort that comes from feeling seen and accepted in a community of parents facing similar challenges.
Andrew Solomon's metaphor—that parenting is like entering into a relationship with a stranger—is discussed as capturing the essence of accepting a child as their own person, separate from parents' dreams or expectations. Reber admits to the difficulty of accepting this, especially when there is sadness or grief involved in letting go of what was expected.
Becky Kennedy recognizes the real sense of loss that parents might experience when they come to terms with the reality that their child will not fulfill certain dreams they had held, like being a c ...
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The parenting experience and challenges
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Counterarguments
- While feelings of isolation and inadequacy are common, not all parents of differently wired children feel like failures; some find strength and pride in their unique parenting journey.
- The "compare and despair" phenomenon is not exclusive to parents of differently wired children; many parents of neurotypical children also struggle with comparison and feelings of inadequacy.
- Significant social events can be challenging, but they can also be opportunities for differently wired children and their parents to celebrate alternative achievements and milestones.
- Reconciling preconceived ideas with reality is a universal parenting challenge, not just for parents of differently wired children.
- Letting go of a vision for one's child can be painful, but it can also lead to new, unexpected joys and a deeper understanding of the child's true self.
- While fear of stigma is real, many communities and societies are becoming more inclusive, reducing the isolation felt by parents of differently wired children.
- The metaphor of parenting as a relationship with a stranger can oversimplify the deep biological and emotional connections that exist between parents ...
Actionables
- Create a visual timeline of your child's unique milestones to celebrate their individual journey. By focusing on the specific achievements and happy moments of your child, regardless of how they align with societal expectations, you can foster a sense of pride and accomplishment. For example, if your child has mastered a new form of communication or found a hobby they are passionate about, document these with photos or notes and display them in a common area of your home.
- Start a "Different Paths" journal to process feelings and document your child's growth. Writing can be therapeutic and help you reconcile the vision you had for your child with the reality of their individuality. In this journal, dedicate sections to different aspects of your child's life, such as social skills, interests, and challenges. Reflect on progress and setbacks without judgment, and use the journal to remind yourself of the unique person your child is becoming.
- Organize a monthly "Parent Reflection" meetup with other pare ...
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Strategies and mindset shifts for parents
Kennedy and Reber offer important insights on parenting strategies, particularly when it comes to raising children who are differently wired. They emphasize the need for flexibility, hope, and a deep understanding of the child's unique needs and capabilities.
Questioning preconceived notions about parenting and being open to new approaches
Kennedy asserts that parents need a nuanced understanding of children, especially those who are differently wired. A single approach or preconceived vision of parenting might not be suitable. Parents may need to set aside their own experiences and expectations to support their unique child effectively.
Debbie Reber stresses the importance of questioning everything known about parenting. Clinging to an initial vision of parenting is not always conducive to raising the actual human child in their care. A more flexible approach is beneficial when traditional or envisioned parenting philosophies do not align with the child’s needs.
Adopting a mindset of possibility and hope rather than fear
Kennedy discusses the intention behind parents' interventions. Protecting should come from a mindset of hope and belief in the child's capabilities, contrasting with punitive actions driven by frustration or fear. Reber echoes that children pick up on their parents' intentions, and actions should communicate hope and possibility.
Reber advises parents to see the opportunities for deeper connection and personal growth that come with raising more complex children instead of focusing on fears or a desire to fix what isn't broken. Shifting away from fear towards curiosity and belief in what is possible can create a better parenting experience for both the child and parent.
Finding the right balance between supporting and challenging a differently wired child
Parents must deeply understand the child's needs and thresholds to provide appropriate scaffolding, Reber explains. She underscores the importance of understanding the child, being attuned to their cues, recognizing their nervous system's needs, and looking for opportunities to stretch the child slightly outside their comfort zone.
Small wins should be celebrated and strengths nurtured to foster confidence and resilience. Kennedy s ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Strategies and mindset shifts for parents
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While flexibility is important, some argue that consistency and routine are equally crucial for children, especially those who are differently wired, as they can provide a sense of security and predictability.
- Questioning preconceived notions about parenting could lead to uncertainty or inconsistency, which might be confusing for children who benefit from clear boundaries and expectations.
- An overly optimistic mindset might sometimes prevent parents from realistically preparing for and addressing the challenges their children may face.
- Shifting focus away from fear entirely may not always be practical, as fear can be a valid emotion that signals when something is wrong or when a child may be in a situation that requires more direct intervention.
- Finding the right balance between support and challenge is subjective and can be difficult to achieve, potentially leading to either under-stimulation or excessive pressure on the child.
- Celebrating small wins is positive, but overemphasis on praise can sometimes lead to a fixed mindset, where children may become reliant on external validation rather than developing intrinsic motivation.
- Strategic responses to challenging moments are important, but there is a risk of over-managing situations, which could hinder a child's ability to develop independent problem-solving skills.
- Emphasizing curiosity and possibility might inadvertently minimize the real struggles and frustrations that both parents and children face, potentially leading to feelings of ina ...
Actionables
- Create a "Curiosity Journal" to document your child's interests and behaviors, noting what excites and challenges them. This can help you understand their unique perspective and tailor your support. For example, if your child shows an interest in dinosaurs, use that as a springboard for learning activities, social stories, and problem-solving scenarios.
- Develop a "Strengths Spotlight" routine where, at the end of each day, you and your child discuss one thing they did well. This practice not only reinforces positive self-perception but also turns your attention to their capabilities rather than their struggles. It could be as simple as praising their effort to tie their shoes or their patience while working on a puzzle.
- Implement a "Flexible Response Plan" for times of str ...
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