My Tween is Pulling Away. Is That Normal?
Is your tween acting distant and withdrawn? Dr. Becky Kennedy provides guidance on this common concern. In this episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky podcast, Kennedy explains how pre-teens' increasing need for independence often manifests through less communication and sharing with parents—a natural part of their development, though understandably worrisome.
She advises parents to adjust their expectations for closeness and adopt new strategies to stay connected. Rather than interrogations, she suggests engaging with tweens' interests to open conversations and build shared experiences. With patience and understanding, parents can navigate this transitional phase without panic.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Mar 19, 2024 episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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1-Page Summary
The Mother's Concerns Over Her Son's Behavior Changes
A mother expresses growing worry over her 11-year-old son's increasing quietness and withdrawal. She notices he doesn't share details about his life as readily, requiring her to pry with direct questions. Her son exhibits a reluctance to discuss his feelings and reacts negatively to suggestions of seeing a therapist.
Uncertainty Over "Normal" Tween Behavior
The mother grapples with whether her son's behavior is typical for his age or indicative of a deeper issue. She lacks clear guidance from peers on what constitutes "normal" emotional expression in tween boys. Despite conversations, she fears missing troubling signals.
The Developmental Realities of Early Adolescence
Becky Kennedy, a psychologist, explains the tween years bring major changes as children enter middle school and form their identities. They naturally separate from family, communicate less with parents, and seek independence—all part of the developmental process, though emotionally trying for parents.
Adjusting Parental Expectations
Kennedy advises parents to modify expectations as their children become teens. The closeness and communication patterns will change, but these shifts shouldn't provoke panic. Parents may need to adapt their interaction styles.
Staying Connected Through New Approaches
To stay connected and understand her son's world, Kennedy suggests the mother:
1) Acknowledge her own worrying thoughts without letting them dominate, as Kennedy personifies these as "Daisy." 2) Engage with her son's interests like the video game Fortnite, which he enjoys but has grown hesitant to share. 3) Rather than interrogating about his day, ask him to teach her Fortnite, using it as a shared experience.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- "Tweens" typically refer to children between the ages of 9 and 12, bridging the gap between childhood and adolescence. This stage is marked by significant physical, emotional, and social changes as they transition from elementary to middle school. Tweens often experience a growing sense of independence, a desire for more autonomy, and a shift in their relationships with parents and peers. Understanding the unique challenges and characteristics of this developmental stage can help parents navigate this critical period effectively.
- During early adolescence, children typically experience significant changes as they transition into middle school. This period is marked by a natural inclination to separate from their families, communicate less with parents, and strive for independence. These shifts are part of the developmental process but can be emotionally challenging for both children and parents. Parents are advised to adjust their expectations and interaction styles to accommodate these changes and maintain a healthy relationship with their growing teens.
- During the teenage years, parents need to adjust their expectations as their children transition into adolescence. This adjustment involves understanding that closeness and communication patterns may change as teens seek more independence. Parents should be prepared for shifts in their relationship dynamics and be flexible in their approach to maintain a healthy connection with their teenage children.
- To stay connected with a child going through changes, it's important to acknowledge your own concerns without letting them overwhelm you. Engaging with your child's interests, even if they differ from your own, can help bridge the gap and create shared experiences. Instead of interrogating about their day, try to find common ground by participating in activities they enjoy. Adapting your communication style and expectations as your child grows can also foster a stronger connection during times of change.
Counterarguments
- While the mother's concerns are valid, it's important to consider that some children are naturally more introverted and may not express themselves as openly, which doesn't necessarily indicate a problem.
- The negative reaction to therapy could be due to stigma or misconceptions about mental health services, and it might be beneficial to explore these perceptions with the son rather than viewing the reaction as purely negative.
- The assumption that all children will communicate less and seek independence during the tween years may not hold true for every child, as individual differences can lead to a wide range of behaviors during adolescence.
- Adjusting parental expectations is important, but it's also crucial to ensure that these adjustments don't lead to a lack of engagement or oversight, which could miss genuine signs of distress.
- Engaging with a child's interests is a good strategy, but it should be balanced with encouraging the child to develop a diverse range of interests and social connections.
- Using video games as a means to connect might not address underlying issues if the child is using gaming as an escape or if excessive gaming is contributing to the withdrawal.
- The concept of personifying worrying thoughts as "Daisy" may not resonate with everyone and could potentially trivialize the mother's legitimate concerns.
- While it's beneficial to adapt interaction styles, it's also important to maintain clear communication about expectations and boundaries, which might not be explicitly stated in the advice given.
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The mother's observations and concerns about her son's
A mother discusses her growing concern over her son’s increasing quietness and behavior changes, searching for understanding and guidance.
The mother's worry and uncertainty about her son's increasing quietness and withdrawal
The caller has noticed that over the past year, her older son, who is 11 and a half years old, has become noticeably more quiet. She shares that he doesn’t eagerly share information with her anymore and that it takes pressing with pointed questions to get insights into his life.
The son's decreased communication and reluctance to open up to his mother
Her concerns deepen as she considers the possibility that her son’s quietness could be pathological or a sign of depression. She fears that he might lack the emotional toolkit to express what he is going through. Complicating matters, her son exhibits a strong sense of privacy, showing reluctance or disinterest in discussing his feelings and reacting negatively to the suggestion of seeing a therapist.
The mother's internal debate about whether this is normal tween behavior or something more concerning
The mother is caught in an internal debate, unsure if what she is witnessing is typical behavior for a tween or if it signals a deeper issue. She deliberates whether to respect his growing need for privacy or intervene more assertively. The mother is in a quandary over how to approach the situation—whether to seek advice from other parents or give her son the space she feels he might need.
The mother's desire to understand if her son's behavior is typical or problematic
She grapples with the lack of clarity on what is considered "normal" for boys at this age, especially since she hears little from her peer group about tween boys expressing their emotions.
The lack of clear guidance from othe ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The mother's observations and concerns about her son's
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- "Tween" is a term used to describe children who are in the age group between childhood and adolescence, typically around 9 to 12 years old. It signifies the transitional phase before becoming a teenager. During this period, children may experience physical, emotional, and social changes as they navigate the path from childhood to adolescence. The term "tween" is often associated with unique challenges and behaviors specific to this age group.
- "Pathological quietness" typically refers to a level of silence or withdrawal that goes beyond what is considered normal or healthy in a given context. It can suggest underlying psychological or emotional issues that may require professional intervention. This term is often used when someone's quiet behavior significantly impacts their daily functioning or relationships, indicating a potential need for further assessment and support.
- "Stealthier issue" in this context implies a problem or concern that is not easily noticeable or apparent on the surface. It suggests an issue that may be hidden, subtle, or not openly expressed, making it challenging to identify or address. The term implies that there could be underlying issues or complexities that are not immediately obvious but could have significant implications once uncovered. It highlights the need for careful observation and investigation to uncover any hidden or less obvious problems that may be affecting the individual.
- The mother is torn between respecting her son's need for privacy and intervening more assertively to address his behavior changes. She struggles with deciding whether to give him space or seek outside help to understand ...
Counterarguments
- It's natural for children, especially tweens, to seek more privacy and independence, which can manifest as quietness and a desire for personal space, rather than being a sign of a problem.
- Some children are naturally less communicative than others, and a decrease in sharing could simply reflect a child's personality or a phase of development rather than an underlying issue.
- The mother's concern, while understandable, might inadvertently put pressure on the son, potentially causing him to withdraw further if he feels his need for privacy is not being respected.
- The mother's reliance on her peer group for a frame of reference might not be the most reliable source, as each child is unique, and what is "normal" can vary widely.
- Seeking an outside perspective can be beneficial, but it's also important to consider that professionals can have differing opinions on what constitutes typical behavior, and there is a risk of over-pathologizing normal developmental stages.
- The mother's internal debate about intervention versus respecting privacy is a common parenting challenge, and there may not be a on ...
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The normal developmental changes and challenges of the tween/early teen years
As tweens and early teens grow, they commonly distance themselves from their parents to form their own identity and sense of self. This period can be emotionally impactful for both the child and the parents.
The common pattern of tweens/teens separating and establishing more independence from parents
The drive for tweens/teens to form their own identity and sense of self
Becky Kennedy notes that the first year of middle school is a time of many changes for children, including a heavier workload and a natural separation from family. She explains that as children hit major life transitions like entering middle school, they face the challenge of forming their own identity. This is when children often take extra space from their parents as part of growing up. Particularly in the sixth grade, as Kennedy outlines, children are figuring out their relationship with their parents and seeking more independence.
The shift in parent-child dynamics during this developmental stage
Kennedy acknowledges that it's developmentally appropriate for kids to seek independence, talk less to their parents, and establish their sense of self during the early teen years. Even though it's not mentioned explicitly in the provided content, there's an implication that these trends reflect a broader pattern of tweens distancing themselves from their parents as they strive to form their own identities.
The emotional impact on parents as their children become more distant
The feelings of loss and worry that can arise as the parent-child relationship changes
Kennedy addresses the emotional toll on parents as their children become more distant. It's normal for parents to feel loss, sadness, and worry when the parent-child relationship evolves ...
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The normal developmental changes and challenges of the tween/early teen years
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- During adolescence, children distancing themselves from parents is a natural part of their development as they strive to establish their own identities and independence. This process can lead to emotional challenges for both parents and children as they navigate changing dynamics in their relationship. It's important for parents to understand that this distancing is a typical developmental stage and not necessarily a cause for alarm. Adjusting expectations and communication styles can help parents support their children effectively during this period.
- When children seek independence during their tween and early teen years, parents may experience an emotional toll due to feelings of loss, sadness, and worry. This shift in the parent-child relationship can lead to parents questioning their role and feeling a sense of loss as their children grow more distant. Parents may struggle with adjusting to the changing dynamics and may experience internal conflicts about how involved t ...
Counterarguments
- While it's common for tweens and early teens to seek independence, not all children distance themselves in the same way; some may maintain a close relationship with their parents while still developing their own identity.
- The transition to middle school can be challenging, but it's also a time when some children thrive academically and socially, and not all children experience a natural separation from family.
- The concept of taking extra space from parents can vary widely among different cultures and family dynamics, where some may emphasize interdependence over independence.
- Communication between kids and parents can sometimes increase during the early teen years, especially if parents foster open dialogue and adapt to their child's changing needs and interests.
- While many parents may feel loss and worry, others ma ...
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Strategies the mother can try to stay connected with her son and understand his experience
Psychologist Becky Kennedy offers advice on how a mother named Jennifer can stay connected with her son, Jack, and understand his experience, particularly as he navigates the complexities of tween life.
Identifying and acknowledging the mother's own worrying thoughts and fears
Becky Kennedy highlights the importance of Jennifer recognizing and managing her worrying thoughts, which she personifies as "Daisy." She suggests Jennifer should visualize Daisy as a passenger, not the driver, to keep these concerns in check. Kennedy emphasizes identifying when Daisy's influence becomes dominant and could potentially lead to decisions that might create distance between Jennifer and her son. Kennedy prompts Jennifer to set an alarm as a humorous and light-hearted reminder for when Daisy's worries are most likely to surface, making them easier to manage.
Finding alternative ways to connect with and understand the son
To bridge the gap with her son Jack, Kennedy suggests engaging in his interests, specifically the video game Fortnite, which is popular among his age group. Jennifer regrets not playing Fortnite with her son when he first asked, and now he postpones her requests to play by saying "later."
Kennedy proposes that Jennifer could surprise Jack by t ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Strategies the mother can try to stay connected with her son and understand his experience
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Personifying worrying thoughts as "Daisy" is a psychological technique where individuals give their anxious or negative thoughts a name to help separate them from their own identity. By visualizing these thoughts as a separate entity, individuals can better recognize and manage them, preventing them from taking over decision-making processes. This method can provide a tangible way to address and control worrisome thoughts, allowing individuals to maintain a healthier perspective on their concerns. The use of this technique aims to help individuals distance themselves from their worries and maintain a more balanced approach to handling stressful situations.
- Using an alarm as a reminder for worrying thoughts involves setting a specific time for an alarm to go off daily. When the alarm sounds, it serves as a cue to check in on any worrying thoughts that may have surfaced. This practice helps individuals become more aware of their concerns and prompts them to address and manage these thoughts effectively. The alarm acts as a gentle nudge to refocus attention and prevent worries from dominating one's mindset.
- Fortnite is a highly popular online video game known for its battle royale gameplay, where players compete to be the last one standing. It gained immense popularity, especially among younger players, due to its free-to-play model, engaging gameplay mechanics, and frequent updates. The game features a cartoonish art style and a mix of shooting, building, and strategy elements, appealing to a wide audience. Fortnite's social aspect allows players to team up with friends or play against others worldwide, fostering a sense of community and competition.
- When the text mentions "interrogating Jack about his day," it implies asking him direct questions about what happened during his day, which can sometimes feel like an interview or interrogation. On the other hand, "asking him t ...
Counterarguments
- While visualizing worrying thoughts as a passenger may help some, others may find it more effective to engage in mindfulness or cognitive-behavioral techniques to address anxiety.
- Setting an alarm to manage worries could potentially increase anxiety by creating a sense of anticipation or dread around the time the alarm is set to go off.
- Engaging in a child's interests like Fortnite is a good strategy, but it's also important to ensure that it doesn't inadvertently encourage excessive screen time or gaming.
- Surprising Jack by playing Fortnite might be well-received, but it could also be seen as intrusive if not done with sensitivity to his autonomy and privacy, especially as a tween.
- Reading blogs and staying informed about Fortnite is useful, but it's also important for Jennifer to balance this with encouraging a diverse range of interests and activities outside of gaming.
- Using Fortnite as a conversation starter is a good idea, but it should not replace conversations about other aspects of Jack's ...
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