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Podcasts > Date Yourself Instead > How to let go of the toxic cycle, set boundaries, and move on

How to let go of the toxic cycle, set boundaries, and move on

By Lyss Boss

Journey through the challenging terrain of breaking free from toxic relationships with Lyss Boss on the "Date Yourself Instead" podcast. In an episode centered on recognizing and detaching from unhealthy dynamics, Boss compares the turmoil of these partnerships to the volatility of addiction, focusing on the intense emotional rollercoasters they often induce. She deftly identifies the red flags that may signal you're in the grasp of a detrimental connection, including persistent feelings of guilt and a pervasive sense of volatility, urging listeners to confront the harsh reality that expecting a transformation can be a lost cause.

Boss emphasizes the importance of introspection, encouraging listeners to examine their own willingness to endure toxicity, whether it's rooted in love, fear, or misplaced hope. Reinforcing self-worth and the art of letting go, she suggests drawing strength from the universe or spiritual beliefs to facilitate a breakthrough in understanding one's intrinsic value. The importance of strong personal boundaries takes center stage as Boss guides through the process of self-discovery, advocating for forthright communication and the refusal to compromise on the respect and care one fundamentally deserves in any partnership.

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How to let go of the toxic cycle, set boundaries, and move on

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How to let go of the toxic cycle, set boundaries, and move on

1-Page Summary

Detaching from Toxic Relationships

Lyss Boss dives into the dynamics of toxic relationships, equating the addictive nature of these interactions to drug addiction, pointing out the dopamine-driven cycle of highs and lows. Boss outlines the signs that indicate the presence of toxicity in a relationship, from feelings of constant wrongdoing to instability and mistreatment. She urges those entangled in toxic ties to reflect on the reasons for their tolerance, which often stems from love or fear, and to realize that holding out hope for change is futile. Boss advises seeking guidance from the universe or spiritual entities as a means for achieving clarity and recognition of one's value. She also highlights the importance of establishing healthy boundaries by knowing yourself and what you truly need from a partner, emphasizing the necessity of clear and honest communication and not settling for less than one deserves.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Equating toxic relationships to drug addiction highlights the intense and harmful nature of such relationships, drawing parallels to the compulsive behavior and emotional highs and lows experienced in addiction. This comparison underscores how individuals can become deeply entrenched in toxic dynamics, similar to how one can become dependent on substances. It emphasizes the addictive pull and the difficulty in breaking free from toxic relationships, shedding light on the powerful hold they can have on individuals. This analogy aims to emphasize the destructive impact and the challenging process of disentangling oneself from toxic relationship patterns.

Counterarguments

  • While toxic relationships can have addictive elements, comparing them to drug addiction might oversimplify the complexities of human relationships and the psychological factors involved.
  • The dopamine-driven cycle is a component of many types of relationships, not just toxic ones, and can also be present in healthy relationships that involve excitement and passion.
  • Some signs of toxicity, such as feelings of wrongdoing or instability, could also be indicative of personal insecurities or external stressors, rather than the relationship itself being toxic.
  • Tolerance in relationships might not only stem from love or fear; it could also come from a sense of commitment, shared history, children, or financial entanglement.
  • While it may often be the case that hoping for change is futile, there are instances where individuals or relationships can evolve and improve with effort, therapy, or other interventions.
  • Seeking guidance from the universe or spiritual entities may not resonate with everyone, and some may find clarity and recognition of their value through secular means such as therapy, self-help, or support from friends and family.
  • Establishing healthy boundaries is important, but what constitutes a healthy boundary can vary greatly between individuals and cultures, and it's not always clear-cut.
  • Knowing oneself and understanding one's needs is essential, but self-knowledge and needs can change over time, and relationships often require compromise and negotiation.
  • Clear and honest communication is generally seen as beneficial, but there are situations where too much honesty without tact can be harmful, and some cultures value indirect communication.
  • The idea that one should not settle for less than they deserve assumes a clear understanding of one's worth, which can be subjective and fluctuate; sometimes, what one deserves is not easily defined or may change with new experiences and insights.

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How to let go of the toxic cycle, set boundaries, and move on

Detaching from Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships can have a detrimental impact on one's well-being. Lyss Boss discusses the complex nature of such relationships and how they can become addictive, along with strategies for detachment and self-preservation.

Toxic People Activate Dopamine and Cause Addiction

Lyss Boss explains that toxic individuals provide a dopamine rush similar to drugs, which can lead to addiction. There is a craving for attention and validation from the toxic person, leading to highs when received. The cycle is difficult to break as the highs feel intense and meaningful. However, the low points are compared to the lows experienced with drug addiction.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Signs of a toxic relationship include constantly feeling like you're doing something wrong, having to drop your boundaries, and feeling insecure or anxious. The energy of toxic individuals can often waver, contributing to the instability experienced within the relationship. Lyss Boss speaks about feeling mistreated like making outrageous demands when in reality, you're asking for basic communication.

Reflect on Why You Tolerate Toxic Behavior

One may tolerate toxic behavior because they are in love with the person and the potential of who they could become. Lyss Boss encourages journaling as a method to uncover subconscious fears and wounds. She mentions that sometimes people stay because they fear they will not find anyone else, or they are clinging to false hope. She insists that toxic people do not change, and it is important to not stay attached to the illusion of their potential.

Ask the Universe for Guidance

Lyss Boss suggests asking the universe or angel guides for clarity and guidance, mentioning that clear answers often come through, sometimes within 48 ...

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Detaching from Toxic Relationships

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Toxic relationships can trigger a release of dopamine in the brain, similar to the way drugs do. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. In toxic relationships, the intermittent reinforcement of positive experiences amidst negative ones can create a cycle of highs and lows, leading to a sense of addiction or dependency on the toxic person for validation and attention. This dynamic can make it challenging for individuals to break free from such relationships despite the negative impact on their well-being.
  • In the context of toxic relationships, comparing the lows to those experienced with drug addiction highlights the intense emotional turmoil and dependency that can develop. Just like with drug addiction, the highs from toxic relationships can create a cycle of seeking validation and attention, leading to intense emotional highs and devastating lows. This comparison underscores the addictive nature of toxic relationships and the difficulty in breaking free from their grip.
  • Enforcing boundaries professionally involves setting c ...

Counterarguments

  • The idea that toxic people provide a dopamine rush similar to drugs and lead to addiction may be an oversimplification of complex emotional and psychological dynamics in relationships.
  • The assertion that toxic people do not change could be challenged by the belief that people have the capacity for growth and change under the right circumstances.
  • The recommendation to ask the universe or angel guides for guidance may not resonate with individuals who do not hold spiritual beliefs or who prefer more evidence-based approaches to problem-solving.
  • The suggestion that clear answers often come through within 48 hours of asking the universe for guidance may not be a reliable or consistent experience for everyone.
  • The emphasis on recognizing one's worth and not manipulating situations for commitment could be expanded to acknowledge that sometimes individuals may not be aware they are engaging in manipulative behaviors and may benefit from professional help to understand and change these patterns.
  • The advice to create healthy boundaries and have clear communication about expectations might not address the complexities involved in relationships ...

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In this guide, you’ll learn what attachment styles are and how you can use your knowledge of them to find a good relationship—or improve the one you already have. You’ll also discover the hidden dynamics that play a starring role in your relationship conflicts, even if you’re just fighting about who’ll make dinner. Along the way, you’ll also discover the latest research regarding attachment and discover practical tips from other psychologists so you can have the best relationship possible.

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In Power, researcher and abuse survivor Shahida Arabi describes the characteristics of malignant narcissists to help people avoid or end relationships with narcissists. She says understanding NPD is crucial because anyone can fall prey to narcissists, who often seem like ideal partners in the early stages.

In this guide, we’ll provide an overview of NPD, describe a narcissist’s signature manipulation strategies, and outline Arabi’s advice for healing after narcissistic abuse. We’ll also provide insight from other experts on how abuse impacts people psychologically and include tips that apply more broadly to navigating relationships and breakups.

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