Podcasts > Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan > The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant

The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant

By Heather Monahan

In this episode of Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan, Michelle Chalfant shares strategies for effective boundary-setting and emotional intelligence. The discussion explores how boundaries function as polite requests that teach others how to treat us, and examines why connecting with emotions through bodily awareness can be more effective than trying to solve emotional challenges through thoughts alone.

Chalfant and Monahan explore the connection between childhood experiences and adult behaviors, particularly how early-life events shape our core beliefs and relationship patterns. The conversation covers practical approaches to personal growth, including daily check-ins with one's inner child and methods for identifying emotional triggers. Through personal examples and concrete strategies, they outline ways to develop stronger boundaries and emotional stability.

The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant

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The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant

1-Page Summary

Boundaries and Boundary-Setting

Michelle Chalfant explains that boundaries are essentially polite requests that teach others how we want to be treated. While many people struggle with setting boundaries due to lack of modeling in childhood, Chalfant suggests using the "sandwich" method: frame boundary requests with positive statements at the beginning and end to make them more palatable. She advises against setting boundaries via text, recommending in-person or phone conversations instead.

Emotional Awareness and Regulation

According to Chalfant, emotions become a superpower when we learn to connect with them through our bodies rather than trying to solve emotional problems through cognition alone. She notes that many people struggle to identify their emotions beyond anger, but developing emotional awareness helps understand personal needs and triggers better.

Addressing Childhood Wounds and Limiting Beliefs

Chalfant and Heather Monahan discuss how childhood experiences shape adult beliefs and behaviors. They explain that unconscious beliefs, typically formed between ages three to six, can include feelings of being unlovable or insignificant. Through personal examples, Monahan shares how early experiences with abandonment influenced her adult relationships. Chalfant emphasizes that healing these core wounds through inner child work can transform relationships and help individuals overcome defensive behaviors.

Strategies for Personal Transformation and Growth

Rather than judgment, Chalfant and Monahan advocate for approaching personal development through curiosity about one's triggers and beliefs. Monahan shares how this approach helped her transition from confrontational boundary-setting to a more effective, non-confrontational style. Chalfant recommends consistent practice, including daily check-ins with one's inner child, to replace limiting beliefs and create lasting transformation. These strategies, detailed in Chalfant's book "The Adult Chair," aim to help individuals develop emotional stability and stronger boundaries.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While the "sandwich" method may help soften the delivery of boundary-setting, some critics argue that it can dilute the message or come across as manipulative, suggesting that direct and clear communication may sometimes be more effective.
  • The recommendation to set boundaries in person or via phone may not always be practical or safe in every situation; some individuals may find that written communication allows them to articulate their boundaries more clearly and without immediate confrontation.
  • Emotional awareness and connecting with emotions through the body is valuable, but some experts emphasize the importance of cognitive approaches as well, suggesting that a balance between emotional and cognitive processing is necessary for emotional regulation.
  • The concept of healing childhood wounds through inner child work is supported by many, but others argue that focusing too much on past experiences can lead to excessive introspection and hinder individuals from engaging with the present and planning for the future.
  • The idea that unconscious beliefs are formed between the ages of three to six is a generalization, and some developmental psychologists might argue that belief formation is a complex process that continues throughout life.
  • The strategies for personal transformation advocated by Chalfant may not resonate with everyone; some individuals may find alternative methods, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy or mindfulness practices, more effective for personal growth.
  • The notion of daily check-ins with one's inner child might be seen as too time-consuming or introspective for some people, who may prefer more action-oriented or solution-focused personal development strategies.
  • The claim that emotions become a superpower when connected with through the body might be challenged by those who believe that emotions can also lead to irrational decisions if not properly managed with rational thought.
  • The emphasis on personal development through curiosity about one's triggers and beliefs could be criticized for potentially leading to self-absorption, with a counterargument advocating for a balance between self-reflection and outward-focused actions and relationships.

Actionables

  • You can create a boundary blueprint by writing down scenarios where you feel your limits are tested and scripting potential boundary statements for each. For example, if you often end up working late because colleagues ask for last-minute help, write a statement like, "I'm happy to help when I can, but I need to leave by [time] to honor my personal commitments. Let's plan ahead next time."
  • Develop a habit of performing a daily 'emotional body scan' by setting aside a few minutes each day to close your eyes, breathe deeply, and notice any physical sensations that arise when you think about different areas of your life. This practice can help you become more attuned to your emotions and recognize when and where you need to set boundaries.
  • Engage in a 'belief audit' by keeping a journal where you note down reactions to daily events, especially those that trigger strong emotions. At the end of each week, review your entries to identify patterns that may point to underlying beliefs formed in childhood. Use these insights to challenge and reframe these beliefs with affirmations or alternative perspectives.

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The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant

Boundaries and Boundary-Setting

Setting boundaries is a crucial aspect of interpersonal relationships and self-care. This section explores how properly communicating boundaries can influence how we are treated and the common struggles people face when trying to implement boundaries.

Boundaries Communicate how We Want to Be Treated

Boundaries serve to instruct others on our expectations and desires regarding their behavior towards us.

Boundaries as Polite Requests to Modify Behavior

Michelle Chalfant explains that at the heart of it, boundaries teach others how we want to be treated. They can be expressed through polite requests. For instance, asking someone to pick us up earlier for a party is a way to ensure punctuality. Chalfant emphasizes that healthy boundary setting should be direct and polite, contrasting it with confrontational methods, which often lead to unhealthy outcomes.

Monahan learned this through her experience in a negative work environment where she realized she hadn’t previously been setting boundaries. Recognizing the need for change, she began to practice speaking up for herself calmly and directly.

Boundary Struggles From Lack of Modeling or Experience

One of the main challenges of setting boundaries is overcoming the absence of appropriate role models and experiences.

Boundaries Demand Vulnerability and Advocacy

Many individuals avoid setting boundaries due to feelings of guilt or overwhelm. This could stem from how they were raised, as people may not know how to set healthy boundaries if they did not witness them at home. For example, Chalfant shares her experience of growing up without seeing her mother set healthy boundaries, which contributed to her challenges as an adult.

Heather Monahan reflects on her learning process in this area. She used to resort to yelling to establish boundaries at work, but now understands that boundaries can be set in a non-confrontational way. Similarly, Chalfant points out the discomfort and vulnerability required in setting boundaries, suggesting that proper boundary-setting is an act of self-advocacy.

Boundary-Setting Strategy: "Sandwich" Requests With Positivity

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Boundaries and Boundary-Setting

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Clarifications

  • Setting boundaries in interpersonal relationships involves establishing clear guidelines for how you want to be treated by others. It helps define what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable to you, promoting respect and healthy communication. Boundaries are essential for maintaining your well-being, self-respect, and fostering positive relationships by ensuring your needs are met and your values are respected. Effective boundary-setting involves clear communication, self-awareness, and the willingness to advocate for yourself in a respectful manner.
  • Boundaries can be expressed through polite requests by clearly stating what behavior is preferred or expected from others. Polite requests can include asking for specific actions or changes in behavior in a respectful manner. By communicating boundaries through polite requests, individuals can set clear expectations without resorting to confrontational methods. Polite requests help establish mutual respect and understanding in relationships.
  • Setting boundaries can be challenging for individuals who did not witness healthy boundary-setting behaviors in their upbringing. Without role models or experiences demonstrating effective boundary-setting, individuals may struggle to understand how to establish and communicate their own boundaries. This lack of exposure can lead to feelings of guilt, overwhelm, and uncertainty when it comes to asserting personal limits and needs in relationships and interactions. Overcoming these challenges often involves learning new strategies, such as the "sandwich" method, and recognizing the importance of vulnerability and self-advocacy in setting boundaries effectively.
  • Setting boundaries demands vulnerability and advocacy because it requires individuals to express their needs and limits, which can make them feel exposed and open to judgment. Advocacy comes into play as individuals must stand up for themselves and communicate their boundaries effectively, asserting their rights and preferences. This process involves being open about one's feelings and needs, which can be challenging but is essential for healthy relationships and self-respect. By advocating for their boundaries, individuals assert their worth and create a framework for respectful interactions with others.
  • The "sandwich" method for setting boundaries involves framing the boundary with positive ...

Counterarguments

  • While direct and polite communication is often effective, some individuals may not respond well to this approach, requiring different strategies for boundary-setting.
  • The "sandwich" method, while useful, may not always be appropriate, as it could potentially dilute the importance of the boundary being set or be perceived as manipulative.
  • Overemphasis on politeness in boundary-setting could lead to boundaries being ignored or not taken seriously by others.
  • The idea that boundaries should not be communicated through text may not account for situations where written communication is necessary or more practical, such as in long-distance relationships or when dealing with individuals who have different communication preferences.
  • Advocating for oneself through boundary-setting can sometimes be perceived negatively in certain cultures or contexts, where collective needs are prioritized over individua ...

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The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant

Emotional Awareness and Regulation

Michelle Chalfant discusses the power of emotions and the importance of connecting with them to understand personal needs and triggers.

Emotions Are a Superpower When We Process Them

Chalfant emphasizes that emotions become a superpower when individuals learn to connect and feel them. Recognizing the body's role in emotional processing is paramount.

Mind Solutions Fail; Body Connection Key

Chalfant asserts that attempting to solve emotional problems through cognition alone is not effective. She advocates for a more body-centered approach, suggesting that a game-changer involves dropping into the body to discern what's happening there. This bodily awareness is key for accessing intuition and understanding one’s personal needs, rather than trying to fix things or make others change to avoid being triggered.

Most People Struggle to Identify Their Emotions

Chalfant observes that many people have difficulty identifying their feelings and often only recognize anger.

Emotional Awareness ...

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Emotional Awareness and Regulation

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Connecting with emotions as a superpower means that when individuals learn to acknowledge, understand, and process their emotions effectively, it can lead to increased self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and personal growth. By embracing and exploring their emotions, individuals can harness the power of their feelings to gain insights into their needs, triggers, and inner workings, ultimately empowering them to navigate life with greater clarity and authenticity. This process involves moving beyond surface-level emotions like anger and delving deeper into one's emotional landscape to uncover hidden layers of meaning and understanding. Embracing emotions as a superpower involves recognizing the valuable information and guidance that emotions can provide in shaping one's perceptions, behaviors, and relationships.
  • The body's role in emotional processing involves the idea that emotions are not just experienced in the mind but are also felt physically in the body. This means that our physical sensations, such as tension, butterflies in the stomach, or a racing heart, are closely linked to our emotional experiences. By paying attention to these bodily sensations, individuals can gain valuable insights into their emotions and better understand their needs and triggers. This approach emphasizes the importance of connecting with the body to access deeper emotional understanding and intuition.
  • A body-centered approach to emotional problem-solving involves focusing on bodily sensations to understand and process emotions. This method emphasizes the connection between the body and emotions, recognizing that physical sensations can provide valuable insights into one's emotional state. By tuning into the body's signals and sensations, individuals can access deeper levels of emotional awareness and gain a better understanding of their needs and triggers. This approach prioritizes the role of the body in emotional processing and encourages individuals to engage with their physical experiences to navigate and regulate their emotions effectively.
  • Bodily awareness is crucial for accessing intuition because our bodies often hold emotional cues that our minds may overlook. By tuning into bodily sensations, individuals can better understand their emotions and needs on a deeper level. This connection between the body and intuition allows for a more holistic approach to emotional processing and decision-making. Ultimately, be ...

Counterarguments

  • While emotions can be powerful, not all individuals may experience them as a superpower; for some, emotions can be overwhelming and require professional support to manage effectively.
  • Cognitive approaches to emotional problems, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), have been empirically validated and can be effective for many people, suggesting that cognition can play a significant role in emotional regulation.
  • A body-centered approach may not be universally applicable or effective for everyone; some individuals may find other methods, such as talk therapy or medication, more beneficial for their emotional processing.
  • The assertion that most people struggle to identify emotions beyond anger could be an overgeneralization; emotional awareness varies widely among individuals, and some may have a nuanced understanding of their emotional ...

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The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant

Addressing Childhood Wounds and Limiting Beliefs

Heather Monahan and Michelle Chalfant uncover how childhood experiences can set the foundation for a person’s beliefs and behaviors in their adult life, revealing the abundance of unconscious fears and views that can stem from early life experiences.

Childhood Shapes Adult Beliefs and Tendencies

According to Chalfant, people’s unconscious beliefs, usually formed between the ages of three to six, can include feelings of being unlovable, not good enough, or feeling insignificant. These beliefs tend to be in the unconscious mind because they are painful, and people tend to avoid confronting them.

Monahan shares how her early experiences with feeling unseen and discounted, first by her stepmother and then later by a charge nurse, influenced her adult behavior. She notes how she struggles with creating boundaries, particularly in romantic relationships, exposing her fears of abandonment and unworthiness that originated from her mother leaving her father when she was young.

Chalfant further explains that early life experiences like abandonment or feelings of neglect due to a parent's absence shape these beliefs and feelings of abandonment or unworthiness in adulthood. She emphasizes how triggers in our daily life can reveal deep-seated feelings of being unlovable, which are connected to our childhood experiences.

Healing Core Wounds Transforms Relationships

Both Monahan and Chalfant discuss the idea that romantic partnerships heighten fears of abandonment because partners can leave, unlike children. Monahan identifies this fear of being left in her relationships, while Chalfant links this fear to the inner child within us. Monahan recollects that her earliest memory of abandonment was feeling left behind by her father after her parents' separation.

Chalfant points out that the way we put up walls in our adult relationships can stem from a defense mechanism that began in childhood to protect oneself from the pain of being left. These mechanisms, Chalfant mentions, prevent us from being our authentic selves as our actions become driven by fear, leading to manipulation or control strategies to avoid abandonment.

One example Chalfant discusses is that of an individual who was an unplanned pregnancy and not wanted, which left him with a core wound of desiring to be wanted. This wound reflected in his relationships, often overdoing things for acceptance.

Healing Past Hurts and Beliefs Through Inner Child Work and Visualization

Feeling triggers allows a person to hea ...

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Addressing Childhood Wounds and Limiting Beliefs

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • The idea that all adult behaviors and beliefs are shaped by childhood experiences can be overly deterministic and may not account for the capacity of individuals to change and adapt throughout their lives due to new experiences and conscious choices.
  • The age range of three to six years old as the sole critical period for forming beliefs may be too narrow, as developmental psychology suggests that belief formation is a continuous process that can be influenced by experiences at various stages of life.
  • The emphasis on early abandonment or neglect as leading to feelings of unworthiness in adulthood may not consider the resilience and coping mechanisms that individuals can develop, nor does it account for positive experiences that can mitigate the impact of earlier negative ones.
  • The focus on romantic relationships as a primary trigger for fears of abandonment might overlook other types of relationships or life events that can also be significant in understanding adult attachment and fears.
  • The concept of defense mechanisms originating in childhood may not fully acknowledge the complexity of adult psychological defenses, which can also be shaped by later life experiences and individual personality development.
  • The approach of inner child work and visualization as a healing method may not be universally effective for everyone, as individuals may respond differently to various therapeutic techniques based on ...

Actionables

  • Create a personal timeline to identify and reflect on key childhood events that may influence your current beliefs. Start by jotting down significant memories from early childhood to adulthood, focusing on those that evoke strong emotions. Reflect on how these events might relate to your current feelings of self-worth or relationship challenges. This can help you pinpoint patterns and begin the process of understanding and healing.
  • Develop a 'relationship reflection' journal to explore how your adult interactions mirror childhood experiences. After each significant interaction with a partner or close friend, write down your feelings, reactions, and any connections you notice to your childhood. This practice can increase your awareness of unconscious behaviors and help you actively work on changing them.
  • Engage in a daily 'in ...

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The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant

Strategies for Personal Transformation and Growth

Heather Monahan and Michelle Chalfant explore the domains of self-reflection and consistent practice to nurture significant changes for personal growth.

Curiosity and Self-Reflection Fuel Growth, Not Judgment

Exploring Triggers and Beliefs For Insight and Change

Chalfant and Monahan emphasize the importance of approaching personal development through curiosity about oneself and one's triggers rather than through judgment. Monahan reflects on how her unexpected firing led her to reevaluate her role, the toxic environment she had been in, and her limiting beliefs. Rather than seeking external help, Monahan used life experiences as a guide to ask "curiosity questions" about herself. Chalfant insists that individuals turn towards irritations and share those feelings to better understand themselves. She underscores the necessity of self-reflection, exploring why one is triggered, and working on the belief behind the trigger without expecting others to change.

Monahan agrees that dealing with work issues through curiosity, rather than judgment, proved to be a more mature approach than her prior emotional reactions. This method of looking inward without negativity but rather with curiosity can lead to identifying core issues triggering one's responses. By understanding their origins, as one might discover they stem from childhood, individuals can differentiate them from their current reality, allowing self-growth and healing.

Chalfant promises simple transformation through a process she details in her book, "The Adult Chair," which involves applying one's issues within the outlined framework to gain insights and drive change. This paradigm shift focuses on building emotional stability and stronger boundaries by working with inner beliefs.

Practice and "Homework" Reinforce New Thinking Patterns

Inner Transformation Leads To Positive Outer Change

Monahan discusses her journey of becoming her authentic self, filled with love and openness. As she embraced her true self, she noticed a shift in her life with the right people and ideas gravitating towards her, allowing her a peaceful existence free from the pressures of wearing a mask. She notes the stark contrast between her former confrontational style and her current approach to setting healthy boundaries non-confrontationally, which has led to positive business outcomes.

Monahan’s personal advancement in communicating boundaries has brought about changes in business interactions, signifying how internal change can influence external circumstances. Chalfant also asserts that emotional engagement and altering limiting beliefs can promote concrete behavioral changes and outcomes. For long-lasting transformation, Chalfant argues that it i ...

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Strategies for Personal Transformation and Growth

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While self-reflection and curiosity are important, they may not be sufficient for everyone's personal growth, especially for individuals with deep-seated psychological issues that require professional intervention.
  • The emphasis on self-reliance in exploring triggers and beliefs might overlook the value of external support systems, such as friends, family, or therapists.
  • The approach of non-judgmental curiosity may not address the need for accountability in certain situations where one's actions have caused harm to others.
  • The concept of inner child work, while beneficial for some, may not resonate with or be effective for everyone, as personal growth strategies can be highly individual.
  • The idea that inner transformation leads to positive outer change can be overly simplistic, as external factors such as socioeconomic status, discrimination, and other systemic issues can significantly impact one's life circumstances.
  • The notion of attracting positive people and opportunities by embracing authenticity might be overly optimistic and not take into account the complexity of human relationships and the randomness of opportunities.
  • Setting healthy boundaries non-confrontationally is important, but there may be situations where a more direct or assertive approach is necessary to protect one's well-being.
  • The belief that changing limiting beliefs will result in concrete behavioral changes may not account for the fact that behavior change is ...

Actionables

  • Create a "Trigger Journal" to document and analyze personal triggers as they occur, noting the situation, emotions felt, and any underlying beliefs that may be contributing. This can help you identify patterns and work on changing the beliefs that lead to these triggers. For example, if you notice you're consistently triggered by a colleague's remarks, write down the specifics and reflect on why it bothers you, which might reveal a belief about needing approval from others.
  • Develop a "Boundary Blueprint" where you outline your personal boundaries, the reasons they are important to you, and strategies for maintaining them in a non-confrontational way. This could include practicing assertive communication techniques, like using "I" statements to express your needs and feelings without blaming others. For instance, if you need more personal space, your blueprint might include a script for politely declining invitations that infringe on your alone time.
  • Engage in a weekly "Inner Chi ...

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