My Kids Forced Me to Pivot My Career and Challenged My Meaning of Success
Join Emily Tisch Sussman and Caitlin Murray in the latest installment of 'Big Time Adulting,' as they delve into the profound impact motherhood can have on a woman's career and personal identity. Emily opens up about the challenges she faced during her transition into motherhood, sharing her emotional journey that includes feeling disconnected from her children, grappling with the guilt of not meeting societal expectations, and the fear that prioritizing her children's health might portray her as uncommitted to her career.
In an honest exploration of self-worth and professional identity, this episode addresses the often taboo topic of the sense of loss and failure many women face when their careers take a hit due to motherhood. Emily discusses her struggle with self-doubt, the shift in her career trajectory, and the subsequent search for validation. The conversation also shines a light on the evolving definition of success and fulfillment, showcasing Emily's shift from legislative work to engaging in local community impact through conversation and school board involvement. The episode ultimately serves as a testament to the empowerment that can come from redefining success to align with the transformative experiences motherhood brings.
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1-Page Summary
Redefining Success After Motherhood Changes Your Identity and Priorities
The Difficulty Adjusting to Motherhood and Connecting with Your Children
Emily Tisch Sussman experiences a challenging adjustment to motherhood, feeling disconnected from her children and guilty for not enjoying motherhood as expected. She confronts frustration over not meeting the "lean in era" standards of balancing work and family, compounded by the fear that her focus on her children’s health needs could make her seem unserious about her career.
Losing Your Sense of Self and Value After Your Career Gets Derailed
Motherhood has a significant impact on Sussman's political career, leading her to feel loss, jealousy, and a sense of failure. Having three children in as many years, she witnesses her career aspirations slipping away and goes through a phase of self-doubt. Sussman struggles with reinventing her identity and finding worth outside of her established professional path, even resorting to freelance consulting to maintain a sense of validation.
Changing How You Measure Personal Success and Fulfillment
Sussman’s understanding of success evolves from traditional professional milestones to valuing control over her time and engaging in meaningful activities. She pivots her focus from legislative to cultural change by facilitating small community conversations and serving on her local school board. By emphasizing the skills gained through motherhood and their societal value, Sussman champions a new paradigm for personal and communal success. Her journey reflects the empowerment found in redefining success to include the profound experiences and contributions of motherhood.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The "lean in era" standards reference the concept popularized by Sheryl Sandberg in her book "Lean In," which encouraged women to pursue their ambitions in the workplace and strive for leadership roles. This era emphasized women's empowerment, advocating for women to assert themselves in professional settings and challenge gender stereotypes. It promoted the idea of women leaning into their careers, being assertive, and actively seeking opportunities for advancement and success. The term encapsulates a period where discussions around gender equality, work-life balance, and women's representation in leadership positions gained significant attention and momentum.
- Sussman's political career was significantly affected by the demands of motherhood, leading to feelings of loss, jealousy, and failure. The rapid expansion of her family within a short period impacted her ability to pursue her career aspirations, causing her to question her professional trajectory. This shift in priorities and responsibilities prompted her to reassess her identity and seek validation through alternative means like freelance consulting. The challenges she faced in balancing motherhood and career ambitions forced her to navigate a period of self-doubt and reevaluate her definition of success.
- Sussman's reinvention of identity involves her process of redefining who she is and what gives her a sense of worth beyond her professional achievements. This transformation includes exploring new roles and activities that align with her evolving priorities and values. It signifies a shift in how she perceives herself and where she finds fulfillment, moving away from traditional markers of success towards a more holistic view of personal growth and contribution.
- Sussman's shift in understanding of success reflects a transition from valuing traditional professional achievements to prioritizing personal fulfillment and time control. She redefines success by emphasizing the skills acquired through motherhood and their societal significance. This shift leads her to engage in activities that align with her new perspective on success, such as facilitating community conversations and serving on the local school board. Sussman's journey highlights the empowerment found in broadening the definition of success to include the experiences and contributions of motherhood.
- Sussman emphasizes the skills gained through motherhood, such as multitasking, empathy, and conflict resolution, which are valuable in various aspects of life. These skills are not only beneficial in raising children but also transferable to professional settings and societal roles. By recognizing and valuing these skills, Sussman highlights the importance of acknowledging the diverse and essential contributions of motherhood to society. This perspective challenges traditional notions of success and underscores the significance of incorporating maternal experiences into broader definitions of personal and communal achievement.
- Sussman's new paradigm for personal and communal success involves shifting from traditional professional achievements to valuing time control and engaging in meaningful activities. She emphasizes skills gained through motherhood and their societal value, advocating for a broader definition of success beyond career milestones. By focusing on community engagement and personal fulfillment, she champions a redefined measure of success that includes the experiences and contributions of motherhood.
Counterarguments
- While Sussman's experience is valid, not all mothers feel a loss of identity or struggle with adjusting to motherhood; some may find it a seamless transition that enhances their sense of self.
- The guilt associated with not enjoying motherhood could be a societal pressure rather than an inherent aspect of motherhood, and it's important to recognize that enjoyment can vary without implying failure.
- The "lean in era" standards may not be a one-size-fits-all approach, and some individuals may find alternative work-life balance models that better suit their needs and values.
- Prioritizing children's health needs over career does not necessarily make one seem unserious about their career; it could also be seen as a responsible and commendable prioritization of family.
- The impact of motherhood on one's career can be multifaceted, and some women may find that motherhood enhances their career by providing new perspectives and motivations.
- Feelings of loss, jealousy, and failure are not inherent to motherhood; they are personal responses that can be addressed through support systems, counseling, and reframing personal expectations.
- Reinventing one's identity and finding worth outside of a professional path can be a positive and enriching experience, not solely a struggle.
- Freelance consulting or other flexible work arrangements can be a fulfilling career choice rather than just a means for validation.
- The shift in understanding success may not be a universal experience; some individuals may continue to value traditional professional milestones alongside or instead of the new metrics Sussman describes.
- Community engagement and serving on a school board are valuable contributions, but they are not the only ways to measure personal success or fulfillment.
- The skills gained through motherhood are indeed valuable, but it's also important to recognize and value the diverse experiences and skills of those who are not mothers.
- Championing a new paradigm for success is commendable, but it's essential to ensure that this new paradigm is inclusive and does not inadvertently devalue other life choices or paths.
- Empowerment through redefining success is a personal journey, and what constitutes empowerment can differ greatly from one individual to another.
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Redefining Success After Motherhood Changes Your Identity and Priorities
The transition to motherhood is often portrayed as a joyous and natural change for new mothers. However, for many women, like Emily Tisch Sussman, it can bring a myriad of unexpected challenges and a profound re-evaluation of identity, career, and the very definition of success.
The Difficulty Adjusting to Motherhood and Connecting with Your Children
Initially, Sussman felt no connection to her babies, perceiving them as an annoyance and a drain on her. She struggled with guilt for not enjoying the baby phase and the implications for her career, facing anger at herself and harboring a sense of failure for not being able to live up to the "lean in era" expectations of balancing work and motherhood.
Even beyond the personal struggle, Emily was afraid that the significant time commitment needed because of her health might lead others to perceive her as less serious about her job, feeling guilt and embarrassment for not loving the stage of life that seemed universally aspired to.
Losing Your Sense of Self and Value After Your Career Gets Derailed
Sussman's political career came under threat after her motherhood journey started, leading to feelings of loss and jealousy over missed career ambitions. This derailment forced her to confront her identity beyond her career as a hardworking political strategist and to mourn the loss of what she perceived to be a successful professional trajectory.
After having three kids in three years, Sussman connects motherhood with the derailment of her career, considering it "dead" and being jealous of her mostly childless friends. Her political career in legislative change became unattainable, leading to a period of self-doubt and a search for a new identity.
Despite these challenging feelings, Sussman eventually begins to see motherhood as a period of gaining invaluable strengths, although these may not be traditionally valued in the corporate world. She found herself again post-pregnancy and grappled with the public perception of her career commitment after not returning from maternity leave and engaging in freelance consulting to validate her worth.
Changing How You Measure Personal Success and Fulfillment
Emily underwent a notable shift in her perceptions of success, moving away from traditional metrics like career titles, the size of her team, and her compensation, toward controlling her time and doing something meaningful. Her podcast and deep conversations around pride in the primary parenting role suggest revaluing these experi ...
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Redefining Success After Motherhood Changes Your Identity and Priorities
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Legislative change typically involves making changes to laws and regulations through the legislative process, such as passing new laws or amending existing ones. Cultural change, on the other hand, focuses on shifting societal norms, values, and behaviors through education, advocacy, and social movements. While legislative change is formal and often enforced through legal mechanisms, cultural change is more about influencing attitudes and beliefs within a society. Both types of change can complement each other in creating broader societal transformations.
- The term "nuanced skills of motherhood" encompasses a wide range of abilities and qualities that mothers develop through their experiences, such as multitasking, empathy, patience, conflict resolution, time management, and emotional intelligence. These skills are often honed through the daily challenges of caring for children and managing household responsibilities. Mothers often excel in areas that require sensitivity, adaptability, and the ability to juggle various tasks simultaneously, showcasing the depth and complexity of their capabilities beyond traditional professional roles.
- Local school board engagement involves actively participating in the governance and decision-making processes of a local school district. Members of the community, including parents, educators, and other stakeholders, often serve on school boards to oversee educational policies, budgets, and initiatives that impact the schools in their area. This involvement allows individuals to contribute to shaping the direction and quality of education provided to students within their community. School board engagement plays a crucial role in ensuring transparency, accountability, and represent ...
Counterarguments
- While Sussman's experience is valid, not all women feel that motherhood derails their career; some may find that it enhances their professional life or provides new opportunities.
- The idea that motherhood inherently leads to a loss of professional identity may not resonate with everyone; some mothers may feel that their identity is enriched or diversified, rather than diminished.
- The notion that corporate world undervalues the strengths gained from motherhood could be challenged by pointing out companies that have family-friendly policies and recognize the skills developed through parenting.
- The shift in perception of success to controlling one's time and doing something meaningful is subjective and may not be a suitable measure of success for everyone.
- The emphasis on the impact of individuals within small communities might overlook the importance and effectiveness of broader systemic change, which can also be a valid form of success and fulfillment.
- The narrative that motherhood necessitates a pivot from professional ambitions to more personal and local endeavor ...
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