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25. Love Languages Only Traumatized People Understand

By Leo Skepi

In this episode from the "Aware & Aggravated" podcast, the hosts explore how trauma and fear manifest in unhealthy relationship behaviors, often mistaken for expressions of love. They discuss sacrificing one's needs, enduring mistreatment, and altering one's identity to gain affection—all rooted in the fear of abandonment.

Through personal anecdotes, the hosts shed light on the struggle to set boundaries and prioritize one's needs within relationships. They examine how efforts to prove loyalty or avoid rejection can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors that enable harm and hinder personal growth. The episode provides insight into recognizing these patterns and fostering healthier connections.

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25. Love Languages Only Traumatized People Understand

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25. Love Languages Only Traumatized People Understand

1-Page Summary

"Toxic 'Love Languages' From Trauma and Fear"

Loyalty Proven Through Sacrifice

The host discusses cutting ties with others to prove loyalty to a partner, as well as defending loved ones at the expense of harming others, the host says. Leo Skepi adds that absorbing suffering for loved ones can create learned helplessness.

"Down With the Ship" When a Loved one Suffers

Skepi warns against self-destruction like spending rent money to support a loved one's issues. He advocates maintaining stability to better assist others rather than mutual self-sabotage.

Enduring Extreme Mistreatment to Prove Unbreakable Love

Some endure abuse to demonstrate love for the abuser, the host notes. After being hurt, the wronged individual may comfort the guilty partner, ignoring further pain, as an improper way to prove love.

Losing Self In Relationships For Approval and Connection

Abandoning Self to Avoid Rejection by Loved Ones

Skepi identifies self-silencing and adapting completely to a partner's preferences, appealing to narcissists, as self-sacrificing behaviors. He shares changing appearance or interests to gain affection.

Altering Oneself For a Loved One's Affection

Skepi elaborates on adopting a partner's lifestyle, views, and values, noting a return to personal norms after a breakup. He discusses self-sabotaging desires if disapproved by a partner.

Failure to Protect From a Loved One's Harmful Actions

Skepi critiques internalizing the belief that enduring a partner's harm proves commitment, comforting abusers despite their actions.

Struggling to Set Boundaries and Prioritize Needs In Relationships

Holding Back Success to Avoid Abandoning a Loved One

The host notes people may limit achievements, fearing doing better equates to abandoning loved ones. Skepi adds fear of losing connection by growing can hinder success.

Suppressing Needs and Emotions for a Loved One

Skepi discusses suppressing needs to avoid burdening others, although expressing needs isn't unloving. He warns kind people risk exploitation by those feigning need, and narcissists claim victimhood to control partners.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • Loyalty does not necessarily require sacrifice; it can also be demonstrated through mutual respect, trust, and support without the need for harmful sacrifices.
  • While absorbing suffering can lead to learned helplessness, it can also foster resilience and empathy when managed healthily.
  • Financial support for a loved one can be an act of generosity and care, provided it is done within one's means and not to the point of self-destruction.
  • Maintaining stability is important, but there are situations where shared struggles can strengthen the bond between individuals and lead to mutual growth.
  • Enduring abuse is never a demonstration of love; however, the reasons for staying in an abusive relationship are complex and can include factors like fear, financial dependency, or lack of support.
  • Changing oneself to please a partner can be a sign of adaptability and compromise, which are essential in any relationship, as long as it does not lead to a loss of self-identity.
  • Holding back success to avoid outshining a loved one can be seen as an act of consideration and empathy, though it should not come at the cost of one's own fulfillment and potential.
  • Suppressing needs and emotions might be a temporary coping mechanism in relationships where open communication is not yet established, but it should not be a long-term strategy.
  • While it's important to express needs, there are cultural and personal differences in how people communicate and prioritize needs in relationships.
  • The concept of enduring harm as proof of commitment can be challenged by emphasizing the importance of healthy boundaries and self-respect in a loving relationship.
  • The idea that kind people are at risk of exploitation can be balanced with the understanding that kindness can also attract genuine, reciprocal relationships.

Actionables

  • You can start a personal values journal to clarify what truly matters to you, independent of others' influence. Write down your core beliefs, interests, and goals, and review them weekly to ensure your actions align with these values. This practice helps you maintain your identity and prevents you from losing yourself in relationships.
  • Create a "support network map" by listing friends, family, and professionals who can offer diverse perspectives and support. When facing a situation where you might sacrifice too much for a loved one, consult this map to seek balanced advice and avoid isolating yourself or relying solely on one person's viewpoint.
  • Develop a "self-care checklist" that includes activities you enjoy and that contribute to your well-being, such as reading, exercising, or meditating. Commit to completing at least one item from the list daily, ensuring you prioritize your needs alongside those of loved ones. This habit can prevent you from suppressing your desires and emotions for others.

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25. Love Languages Only Traumatized People Understand

"Toxic 'Love Languages' From Trauma and Fear"

The host and Leo Skepi discuss several ways that individuals unintentionally express love in unhealthy ways, often as a result of past trauma or fear.

Loyalty Proven Through Sacrifice

Cutting Ties With Loved Ones for a Partner

The host discusses the toxic love language of proving allegiance by cutting off other people quickly to show value in the connection with a partner above all else. This act of loyalty can isolate a person to their partner, making them more vulnerable.

Defending a Loved One, Even To Harming Others

Another toxic way to show love is by being willing to cause destruction and damage to someone else who is hurting the person you care about. This can escalate to choosing to save a loved one—like a sister—over a large number of other people, depicting a covert way of showing love.

Absorbing Suffering to Shield Loved Ones

The host has spoken about praying for problems affecting family members to befall them instead of their loved ones, sacrificing their own needs when family is in chaos, and finding a sense of satisfaction in suffering to alleviate other's problems.

Leo Skepi elaborates on the satisfaction derived from suffering for others, warning that this can result in learned helplessness as people don't develop the skills to handle their issues due to constant intervention.

"Down With the Ship" When a Loved one Suffers

Destroying Goals to Join a Loved One's Downfall

Leo Skepi speaks about people sacrificing personal security, like giving rent money to help someone else, which can involve taking on someone else's problems to show care, to the point of personal stress and consequence. He highlights the danger of giving to the point of self-destruction, noting that takers will drain everything and leave once someone is tapped out.

Stability Supports Better Than Mutual Self-Sabotage

Skepi warns against the dynamic where one endures pain as a way to show love, even to the point of suffering personal loss. Despite trying to make the loved one feel cared for, it results ...

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"Toxic 'Love Languages' From Trauma and Fear"

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Clarifications

  • Loyalty proven through sacrifice involves demonstrating allegiance by making significant sacrifices for a loved one, often at personal cost. This can manifest as cutting off relationships for a partner or defending a loved one even at the expense of harming others. It can lead to isolating oneself or engaging in destructive behaviors to show loyalty and love. Sacrificing personal well-being or goals to support a loved one's needs is a common aspect of this toxic love language.
  • Absorbing suffering to shield loved ones involves taking on the pain and difficulties that others are facing in an attempt to protect them from harm or distress. This behavior can stem from a deep sense of care and responsibility for the well-being of loved ones, leading individuals to willingly endure hardships on their behalf. However, this self-sacrificial tendency can sometimes result in negative consequences, such as enabling dependency and preventing loved ones from developing their own coping mechanisms. It is a complex dynamic that can blur the boundaries between self-care and excessive self-sacrifice in relationships.
  • The "down with the ship" mentality is a phrase that describes a mindset where someone is willing to face negative consequences or go down with a failing situation, often out of loyalty or a sense of duty to others. It implies a readiness to endure hardships or suffer alongside others, even if it leads to personal harm or loss. This mentality can involve sacrificing one's own well-being or goals to support someone else, even to the point of self-destruction. It contrasts w ...

Counterarguments

  • Loyalty does not necessarily require sacrificing other relationships; healthy loyalty can include maintaining a balance between a partner and other loved ones.
  • Defending a loved one should not involve harming others; there are non-violent and constructive ways to support and defend loved ones.
  • Absorbing suffering for others is not sustainable; it is important to teach and empower loved ones to handle their own problems.
  • Suffering for others can be a misguided expression of love; true support involves helping loved ones develop resilience and coping strategies.
  • Sacrificing personal goals for a loved one's downfall can be co-dependent behavior; it is healthier to support loved ones in finding their own path to recovery while pursuing personal growth.
  • ...

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25. Love Languages Only Traumatized People Understand

Losing Self In Relationships For Approval and Connection

In a compelling discussion, Leo Skepi delves into the complex behaviors individuals may exhibit due to codependency and a deep-seated need for approval from loved ones, including abandoning personal identities and enduring pain as misguided expressions of love.

Abandoning Self to Avoid Rejection by Loved Ones

Self-Sacrifice: Adapting To Partner's Preferences

Skepi identifies self-silencing and focusing entirely on a partner — behaviors particularly appealing to a narcissist — as forms of self-sacrifice that lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics. By viewing one’s own needs as an inconvenience, individuals engage in codependent behavior that empowers the partner at the cost of their own agency.

Leo Skepi also shares a personal anecdote about adapting to another's lifestyle and preferences, such as changing physical appearance or interests to gain affection, a behavior common in individuals craving acceptance. For instance, Skepi discusses feeling pressured into wearing colors opposed to their preferred black attire to feel closer to someone, highlighting the transient sense of connection that comes with such changes.

Altering Oneself For a Loved One's Affection

Skepi extends this notion to the broader context of relationships, elaborating on the extents to which individuals may go to align with their partner's preferences. This includes adopting their lifestyle, political views, and even moral values. When discussing the aftermath of a relationship, Skepi notes a return to personal norms, like reverting to wearing black after being influenced to dress differently, indicating a struggle to maintain individual identity amidst the partner's influence.

Skepi also touches on how self-sabotage for the perception of safety can manifest in relationships. One might refrain from purchasing items or engaging in experiences if they believe their partn ...

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Losing Self In Relationships For Approval and Connection

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Codependency in relationships involves an unhealthy reliance on a partner for approval and a sense of identity. It often leads to sacrificing one's own needs and desires to maintain the relationship. Codependent individuals may struggle to set boundaries, prioritize their well-being, and differentiate themselves from their partner. This dynamic can result in enabling destructive behaviors and a lack of autonomy within the relationship.
  • Self-silencing in relationships involves suppressing one's own thoughts, feelings, and needs to prioritize those of a partner. This behavior can lead to a loss of personal identity as individuals focus solely on accommodating their partner's desires and opinions. By neglecting their own voice and preferences, individuals may struggle to maintain a sense of self and independence within the relationship. Self-silencing can erode self-esteem and agency over time, as individuals prioritize external validation over their own internal values and beliefs.
  • Self-sacrifice in relationships involves prioritizing the needs and desires of a partner over one's own, often to an extent that it compromises personal well-being and autonomy. This behavior can lead to imbalance and unhealthy dynamics within the relationship, where one person consistently gives up their own wants and values for the sake of the other. Self-sacrifice may stem from a desire to maintain harmony, gain approval, or avoid conflict, but when taken to extremes, it can erode individual identity and lead to feelings of resentment or inadequacy. Understanding the boundaries between healthy compromise and detrimental self-neglect is crucial in fostering mutually fulfilling and respectful relationships.
  • In relationships with narcissists, individuals may feel compelled to prioritize the narcissist's needs over their own, leading to a dynamic where the narcissist's desires take precedence. This can result in the non-narcissistic individual feeling unheard, unappreciated, and constantly striving to meet the narcissist's expectations. The narcissist's tendency to seek admiration and control can create an imbalanced power dynamic, where the non-narcissistic individual may feel emotionally drained and undervalued. Setting boundaries ...

Counterarguments

  • While self-sacrifice can lead to unhealthy dynamics, it can also be a sign of compromise and commitment in a relationship when balanced and reciprocated.
  • Adapting to a partner's preferences does not always result in a loss of identity; it can sometimes lead to personal growth and the discovery of new interests.
  • The desire to gain affection by changing oneself might not always stem from a need for approval but could be a genuine effort to connect with a partner on a deeper level.
  • Self-sabotage in relationships might sometimes be a misinterpretation of financial prudence or consideration for a partner's circumstances.
  • Returning to a harmful partner could be influenced by complex psychological factor ...

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25. Love Languages Only Traumatized People Understand

Struggling to Set Boundaries and Prioritize Needs In Relationships

Discussions around the difficulty of setting boundaries and prioritizing one's own needs in relationships highlight the struggle to balance personal growth with the fear of losing meaningful connections.

Holding Back Success to Avoid Abandoning a Loved One

Fear Of Leaving a Loved One Behind Through Personal Growth

The concept that success equates to abandonment is shown to be a significant issue. Some people limit their own achievements due to a fear that doing better than a loved one is perceived as not loving them. This dynamic creates a safety in limiting oneself and blinding oneself to their value. However, this is a misinterpretation by the brain, not a sign of true value or place. In fact, achieving something and hitting one’s potential can show others a way to do it themselves and can be beneficial for both parties involved in the long run.

Needing to "Stay Stuck" to Keep an Unhealthy Connection

The podcast touches on the point that there’s a fear that becoming successful can cause a loss of connection, which may be a potential block in one's success due to prioritizing that connection over personal growth. Severing ties with someone as a path to success can be difficult, as it may lead to losing that connection, which can hurt. The speaker also indicates that neglecting oneself to try to be closer to someone else does more harm than good and that suppressing personal interests and passions for the sake of someone else's approval is unhealthy.

Suppressing Needs and Emotions for a Loved One

Believing Discussing Personal Issues Is Burdensome or Uncaring

Skepi delves into the issue of people suppressing their needs and feelings to avoid burdening others or appearing uncaring. Discussing one's own issues may be seen as a burden or as an uncaring act to a loved one. He emphasizes that expressing one's own needs and emotions is not an act of not loving or caring about one's partner and warns against labeling oneself as problematic for having personal needs and issues. Instead, he stresses that there’s harm in turning against oneself and the importance of not viewing personal needs as a barrier to love.

Vulnerable to Exploitation by Narcissistic Partners

Addressing manipulation within relationships, Leo Skepi speaks of the risk of being taken advantage of because of a k ...

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Struggling to Set Boundaries and Prioritize Needs In Relationships

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • Success does not inherently lead to abandonment; it can also strengthen relationships by providing new opportunities for shared experiences and growth.
  • While fear of losing connection can be a hindrance, it can also motivate individuals to find balanced ways to grow alongside their partners.
  • In some cultural or familial contexts, prioritizing the collective or relational needs over individual desires is seen as a virtue and can lead to strong, supportive community bonds.
  • Suppressing needs and emotions might be a temporary and strategic choice in certain situations to maintain harmony or to support a partner through a crisis.
  • Expressing personal needs and emotions can sometimes be misinterpreted or poorly timed, leading to unnecessary conflict within a relationship.
  • Setting limits on helping others must be balanced with compassion and understanding, as being too rigid can sometimes undermine the support needed by someone genuinely in distress.
  • In some relationships, individuals may willingly and happily compromise certain aspects of themselves as part of a mutua ...

Actionables

  • Create a "Success Pact" with a close friend or partner where you both commit to celebrating each other's achievements without reservations. This pact would involve regular check-ins to share successes and reinforce the idea that individual achievements enhance rather than detract from the relationship. For example, set a bi-weekly coffee date where you discuss what you've accomplished and actively encourage each other's growth.
  • Develop a "Personal Growth Journal" where you document your progress, emotions, and needs without filtering them for the sake of others. Use this journal to practice expressing your feelings and needs openly, starting on paper to build the confidence to do so in your relationships. You might start each entry with a prompt like "Today, I need..." or "I felt proud when..." to guide your reflections.
  • Initiate a "Boundary Bootcamp" f ...

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