In this episode from the "Aware & Aggravated" podcast, the hosts explore how trauma and fear manifest in unhealthy relationship behaviors, often mistaken for expressions of love. They discuss sacrificing one's needs, enduring mistreatment, and altering one's identity to gain affection—all rooted in the fear of abandonment.
Through personal anecdotes, the hosts shed light on the struggle to set boundaries and prioritize one's needs within relationships. They examine how efforts to prove loyalty or avoid rejection can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors that enable harm and hinder personal growth. The episode provides insight into recognizing these patterns and fostering healthier connections.
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The host discusses cutting ties with others to prove loyalty to a partner, as well as defending loved ones at the expense of harming others, the host says. Leo Skepi adds that absorbing suffering for loved ones can create learned helplessness.
Skepi warns against self-destruction like spending rent money to support a loved one's issues. He advocates maintaining stability to better assist others rather than mutual self-sabotage.
Some endure abuse to demonstrate love for the abuser, the host notes. After being hurt, the wronged individual may comfort the guilty partner, ignoring further pain, as an improper way to prove love.
Skepi identifies self-silencing and adapting completely to a partner's preferences, appealing to narcissists, as self-sacrificing behaviors. He shares changing appearance or interests to gain affection.
Skepi elaborates on adopting a partner's lifestyle, views, and values, noting a return to personal norms after a breakup. He discusses self-sabotaging desires if disapproved by a partner.
Skepi critiques internalizing the belief that enduring a partner's harm proves commitment, comforting abusers despite their actions.
The host notes people may limit achievements, fearing doing better equates to abandoning loved ones. Skepi adds fear of losing connection by growing can hinder success.
Skepi discusses suppressing needs to avoid burdening others, although expressing needs isn't unloving. He warns kind people risk exploitation by those feigning need, and narcissists claim victimhood to control partners.
1-Page Summary
The host and Leo Skepi discuss several ways that individuals unintentionally express love in unhealthy ways, often as a result of past trauma or fear.
The host discusses the toxic love language of proving allegiance by cutting off other people quickly to show value in the connection with a partner above all else. This act of loyalty can isolate a person to their partner, making them more vulnerable.
Another toxic way to show love is by being willing to cause destruction and damage to someone else who is hurting the person you care about. This can escalate to choosing to save a loved one—like a sister—over a large number of other people, depicting a covert way of showing love.
The host has spoken about praying for problems affecting family members to befall them instead of their loved ones, sacrificing their own needs when family is in chaos, and finding a sense of satisfaction in suffering to alleviate other's problems.
Leo Skepi elaborates on the satisfaction derived from suffering for others, warning that this can result in learned helplessness as people don't develop the skills to handle their issues due to constant intervention.
Leo Skepi speaks about people sacrificing personal security, like giving rent money to help someone else, which can involve taking on someone else's problems to show care, to the point of personal stress and consequence. He highlights the danger of giving to the point of self-destruction, noting that takers will drain everything and leave once someone is tapped out.
Skepi warns against the dynamic where one endures pain as a way to show love, even to the point of suffering personal loss. Despite trying to make the loved one feel cared for, it results ...
"Toxic 'Love Languages' From Trauma and Fear"
In a compelling discussion, Leo Skepi delves into the complex behaviors individuals may exhibit due to codependency and a deep-seated need for approval from loved ones, including abandoning personal identities and enduring pain as misguided expressions of love.
Skepi identifies self-silencing and focusing entirely on a partner — behaviors particularly appealing to a narcissist — as forms of self-sacrifice that lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics. By viewing one’s own needs as an inconvenience, individuals engage in codependent behavior that empowers the partner at the cost of their own agency.
Leo Skepi also shares a personal anecdote about adapting to another's lifestyle and preferences, such as changing physical appearance or interests to gain affection, a behavior common in individuals craving acceptance. For instance, Skepi discusses feeling pressured into wearing colors opposed to their preferred black attire to feel closer to someone, highlighting the transient sense of connection that comes with such changes.
Skepi extends this notion to the broader context of relationships, elaborating on the extents to which individuals may go to align with their partner's preferences. This includes adopting their lifestyle, political views, and even moral values. When discussing the aftermath of a relationship, Skepi notes a return to personal norms, like reverting to wearing black after being influenced to dress differently, indicating a struggle to maintain individual identity amidst the partner's influence.
Skepi also touches on how self-sabotage for the perception of safety can manifest in relationships. One might refrain from purchasing items or engaging in experiences if they believe their partn ...
Losing Self In Relationships For Approval and Connection
Discussions around the difficulty of setting boundaries and prioritizing one's own needs in relationships highlight the struggle to balance personal growth with the fear of losing meaningful connections.
The concept that success equates to abandonment is shown to be a significant issue. Some people limit their own achievements due to a fear that doing better than a loved one is perceived as not loving them. This dynamic creates a safety in limiting oneself and blinding oneself to their value. However, this is a misinterpretation by the brain, not a sign of true value or place. In fact, achieving something and hitting one’s potential can show others a way to do it themselves and can be beneficial for both parties involved in the long run.
The podcast touches on the point that there’s a fear that becoming successful can cause a loss of connection, which may be a potential block in one's success due to prioritizing that connection over personal growth. Severing ties with someone as a path to success can be difficult, as it may lead to losing that connection, which can hurt. The speaker also indicates that neglecting oneself to try to be closer to someone else does more harm than good and that suppressing personal interests and passions for the sake of someone else's approval is unhealthy.
Skepi delves into the issue of people suppressing their needs and feelings to avoid burdening others or appearing uncaring. Discussing one's own issues may be seen as a burden or as an uncaring act to a loved one. He emphasizes that expressing one's own needs and emotions is not an act of not loving or caring about one's partner and warns against labeling oneself as problematic for having personal needs and issues. Instead, he stresses that there’s harm in turning against oneself and the importance of not viewing personal needs as a barrier to love.
Addressing manipulation within relationships, Leo Skepi speaks of the risk of being taken advantage of because of a k ...
Struggling to Set Boundaries and Prioritize Needs In Relationships
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