13. God Forgives, I Don't
In this episode of Aware & Aggravated, Leo Skepi shares his perspective on forgiveness, drawing from his personal experiences with betrayal. He challenges common beliefs about the necessity of forgiveness for healing and discusses how being "cancelled" online affected his career and relationships, including the loss of his social media following and significant potential earnings.
Skepi examines forgiveness through multiple lenses: personal, spiritual, and social. He addresses his views on self-forgiveness through behavioral change, his stance on religious concepts of forgiveness, and his belief that some actions remain unforgivable. The discussion explores how severe betrayals can permanently impact trust and questions whether conventional wisdom about forgiveness serves victims or wrongdoers.
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1-Page Summary
Speaker's Experiences With Betrayal and Views on Forgiveness
Leo Skepi shares his deeply personal experiences with betrayal and challenges conventional wisdom about forgiveness. Having faced severe betrayals that tested his self-control, Skepi explains that these experiences have permanently damaged his ability to trust others.
Rejection of Societal Forgiveness Narratives
Skepi firmly rejects the notion that forgiveness is necessary for healing. He argues that some actions are simply unforgivable and that forcing forgiveness can invalidate legitimate feelings of hurt and anger. According to Skepi, those who haven't experienced severe betrayal shouldn't demand forgiveness from victims. He suggests that forgiveness often serves more to absolve wrongdoers than to help victims heal.
Views on Spiritual and Religious Forgiveness
In discussing spiritual perspectives, Skepi expresses skepticism about divine judgment systems that demand perfection. He particularly addresses his stance on being gay, stating that he accepts who he is without seeking forgiveness or absolution for his identity. Rather than pleading for forgiveness, Skepi emphasizes taking ownership of one's actions and their consequences.
Impact of "Cancellation" on Relationships
Skepi reveals the profound personal and professional toll of being "cancelled" online, including the loss of 300,000 followers and approximately $250,000 in potential earnings. He describes how former allies turned against him to protect their own reputations, even those he had previously helped. While one former friend later admitted to orchestrating his downfall, Skepi maintains that such actions remain unforgivable.
Journey to Self-Forgiveness
During his lowest point, Skepi struggled with his sense of self-worth. However, he emphasizes that true self-forgiveness comes through genuine change rather than empty words. He shares that he considers himself a new person every few months, viewing this constant transformation as essential to personal growth. Through visible changes in behavior and dedication to improvement, Skepi found that self-forgiveness developed naturally.
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Counterarguments
- Forgiveness can be seen as a personal journey rather than a societal expectation, and some argue it can lead to personal peace and closure, regardless of the severity of the betrayal.
- There is a perspective that forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the wrongdoer or forgetting the harm done, but rather releasing the emotional hold the incident has on the victim.
- Some psychological theories suggest that holding onto anger and resentment can be harmful to one's mental health, and that forgiveness can be a self-healing process.
- In certain spiritual and religious traditions, forgiveness is viewed as a virtue that contributes to the moral and spiritual development of an individual.
- The concept of "cancel culture" is debated, with some arguing that it can be a form of social accountability, and that the consequences faced by individuals are sometimes proportional to their actions.
- The idea of self-forgiveness being contingent on change might be challenged by those who believe in unconditional self-acceptance and the inherent worth of individuals regardless of their actions.
- While constant transformation is valued by Skepi, others might argue that stability and consistency are also important traits for personal growth and building trust with others.
Actionables
- You can create a personal growth journal to track your behavioral changes and reinforce your journey towards self-forgiveness. Start by writing down areas in your life where you seek improvement or forgiveness. Each day, note any actions you've taken that reflect a positive change in those areas. This could be as simple as apologizing for a mistake or as significant as starting a new healthy habit. Over time, this journal will serve as a tangible record of your transformation and a tool to remind you of your progress.
- Develop a "trust restoration" plan for yourself when dealing with feelings of betrayal. Identify what actions or behaviors in others make you feel safe and write them down. When interacting with new people or trying to rebuild trust, communicate these needs and observe if they respect your boundaries. This proactive approach allows you to regain control over whom you trust based on clear criteria that you've set for yourself.
- Engage in a creative project that symbolizes your journey of self-acceptance without external validation. This could be anything from painting a series of self-portraits that reflect different aspects of your identity to writing a short story where the protagonist overcomes a struggle similar to your own. The act of creating something tangible can be a powerful way to process your experiences and solidify your sense of self-worth.
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Speaker's Experiences With Betrayal and Views on Forgiveness
Leo Skepi shares his personal experience with betrayal and explains why he does not see forgiveness as a necessary part of his healing process.
Betrayals Have Permanently Damaged Trust
Betrayals So Severe, Amazed Not in Prison
Leo Skepi has experienced betrayals of a magnitude so significant that they have left him astonished at his own level of restraint; he's amazed by the self-control that has kept him out of prison. He intimates that the severity of these betrayals could have resulted in serious legal ramifications. Reflecting on his past, he has found that such profound treachery has irrevocably broken his ability to trust.
Speaker Rejects Forgiveness As Necessary For Healing
Some Wrongdoings Are too Egregious for Forgiveness
Leo articulates that forgiveness is not a requisite for personal healing. He insists that there are actions so unforgivable and betrayals so deep that they cannot be justified. As a result, he finds the idea of reverting to the status quo before the betrayal unattainable. Leo holds a firm stance against forgiving his ex-partner who, in his view, "destroyed" his life, confirming that no subsequent success or achievement can compensate for the damage inflicted. "I do not forgive him. I will never forgive him in my life," he declares.
Moreover, even though family disagreements have led Leo to temporarily cut ties, he notes that reconciliation often occurs, implying that the nature of familial bonds can lead to repaired relationships, despite previous wrongdoing.
Forcing Forgiveness Overlooks Valid Feelings of Hurt and Anger
Leo criticizes the often pressured narrative that one must forg ...
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Speaker's Experiences With Betrayal and Views on Forgiveness
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Forgiveness is often seen as a process that benefits the forgiver more than the forgiven, potentially freeing the individual from lingering resentment and bitterness.
- Holding onto anger and refusing to forgive can sometimes lead to negative mental health outcomes, such as chronic stress or depression.
- Some psychological theories suggest that forgiveness can be a key component of healing, as it allows individuals to let go of negative emotions and move forward.
- Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the person who caused harm or forgetting the betrayal; it can simply mean releasing the hold that the grievance has on one's life.
- The idea that forgiveness is not necessary for healing may not apply universally; different individuals may experience healing in different ways, and for some, forgiveness could be a crucial step.
- While Leo Skepi emphasizes personal choice in forgiveness, it's also important to consider that societal and cultural factors can influence one's approach to forgiveness and he ...
Actionables
- Create a personal trust journal to explore your feelings about trust and betrayal. Start by writing down instances where you felt betrayed and how it impacted your trust. Reflect on these situations without the pressure to forgive, focusing on understanding your emotions and how they shape your ability to trust others. This can help you identify patterns and consider if there are circumstances under which you might be open to rebuilding trust or if there are certain actions you find unforgivable.
- Develop a "feelings validation" toolkit for moments when you're struggling with hurt or anger. This could include a list of affirmations that acknowledge and validate your feelings, a playlist of music that resonates with your emotions, or a collection of activities that allow you to express yourself, like painting or writing. Use this toolkit whenever you feel your emotions are being minimized or invalidated, to remind yourself that your feelings are legitimate and don't need to be rushed through the process of forgiveness.
- Engage in a "forgi ...
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Disagreement With Societal/Cultural Narratives Around Forgiveness
The societal and cultural narratives that push individuals to forgive to move past their pain or to let go of resentment are being actively questioned.
The Speaker Disagrees That One Must Always Forgive Others to Heal and Let Go Of Resentment
The speaker, expressing a dissenting opinion, argues against the pervasive belief that one must always forgive in order to heal and rid themselves of resentment. They emphasize that their journey to happiness did not adhere to society’s typical expectation of forgiveness. They challenge the notion that forgiveness is essential to progress from past wrongs, pointing out that resentment and anger can sometimes be the motivation one needs to continue.
Leo Skepi is particularly vocal about the lack of obligation to forgive and shares that he personally does not always possess the capacity to forgive. He argues that advocating such a universal need for forgiveness has negatively impacted him, eroding his self-esteem, as he feels compelled to forgive actions that he perceives as unforgivable.
Speaker Argues That Those Unbetrayed Can't Demand Victims' Forgiveness
The speaker strongly believes that people who have never experienced unforgivable acts do not have the standing to demand forgiveness from victims. This holds true in instances of betrayal where the expectation to forgive can be a further imposition on the victim. He asserts that only those who have been wronged can decide if forgiveness is the right choice for them, a choice that cannot be compelled by unaffected parties.
Forgiveness Lets Wrongdoers Avoid Accountability
In the speaker's view, forgiveness can become a manipulation tactic wher ...
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Disagreement With Societal/Cultural Narratives Around Forgiveness
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Forgiveness can be a personal process that benefits the forgiver by reducing their own burden of carrying negative emotions.
- Holding onto resentment and anger can sometimes be detrimental to one's mental health and well-being.
- Forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting or condoning the wrongdoing, but rather processing and moving beyond the pain.
- Some psychological theories suggest that forgiveness can lead to better emotional and physical health outcomes.
- Demanding forgiveness from victims is not appropriate, but encouraging a path towards forgiveness can be part of a supportive healing process.
- Accountability and forgiveness are not mutually exclusive; one can forgive while still holding the wrongdoer accountable.
- Apologies, when sincere and accompanied by changed behavior, can be an important step in the healing process for both the victim and the wrongdoer.
- Forgiveness is a complex and personal choice, and ...
Actionables
- You can journal about instances where you chose not to forgive and explore how this decision has shaped your personal growth. Reflect on situations where holding onto your principles, instead of offering forgiveness, led to a positive change in your life or reinforced your boundaries. This can help you understand the role of non-forgiveness in your personal development.
- Create a personal "accountability chart" for situations where you feel wronged, detailing the actions taken by the other party and the impact on you. Instead of focusing on forgiveness, concentrate on what accountability would look like for you and what steps, if any, the other party could take to meet your criteria for accountability. This exercise can help you clarify your expectations and needs without the pressure to forgive.
- Engage in role-reversal exercises ...
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Speaker's View on Spiritual/Religious Forgiveness and Punishment
Leo Skepi discusses his perspectives on the concepts of forgiveness and punishment in spiritual and religious settings, particularly in regard to an all-knowing deity's judgment of human actions and inherent traits such as sexuality.
Speaker Denies God Condemns Individuals To Eternal Hell For Not Achieving Infinite Goodness
Skepi expresses skepticism regarding the idea of a deity who would design a system that consigns individuals to eternal hell for not meeting what he sees as an unattainable standard of perfection. He challenges the justice and rationale of a scale that decides eternal bliss or suffering based solely on one's balance of good versus bad deeds. Skepi doubts that any adult can maintain the level of unwavering goodness necessary to merit eternal happiness and questions the criteria for such a determination.
Speaker Views God As Unjust and Unforgiving, Conflicting With Beliefs
Further criticizing the concept, Skepi finds it unrealistic and unfair to be punished by a God for failing to obey commands that are not clearly communicated to His creations. He opposes the idea of an unforgiving and unjust deity that holds ambiguous expectations of righteousness and justice.
Speaker Accepts Divine Punishment for Their Actions, Including Being Gay, Without Pleading For Forgiveness
Despite his humorously framed request for prayers from those believing that being gay is changeable, Skepi acknowledges his gay identity as an inherent trait, not a choice. He refuses the notion of seeki ...
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Speaker's View on Spiritual/Religious Forgiveness and Punishment
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Counterarguments
- Skepi's view on the fairness of divine judgment may not consider the theological arguments that propose eternal hell is a consequence of free will and the rejection of a relationship with the deity, rather than a punishment for not achieving perfection.
- The concept of unwavering goodness could be interpreted differently within various religious frameworks; some traditions emphasize grace and forgiveness over the constant maintenance of perfect behavior.
- The criticism of a deity with ambiguous expectations might overlook the role of religious texts, traditions, and communities that aim to clarify those expectations and provide guidance for believers.
- While Skepi accepts divine punishment for being gay, many religious traditions and interpretations do not view sexuality as a sin ...
Actionables
- Reflect on your personal moral standards by journaling daily about the choices you make and their alignment with your values. This self-reflection can help you understand your own ethical framework and how it compares to the expectations set by external forces. For example, if you decide to give up your seat on a bus for someone in need, write about why you made that choice and how it reflects your principles.
- Create a "Responsibility Pact" with a friend or family member where you hold each other accountable for actions without seeking external validation or forgiveness. This pact involves regularly discussing decisions you've made, the outcomes, and how you've taken responsibility for them. For instance, if you accidentally hurt someone's feelings, instead of seeking forgiveness, discuss how you acknowledged the impact of your actions and what steps you took to rectify the situation.
- Engage in community service that aligns with your beliefs about fairness and j ...
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Impact of "Cancellation" on Speaker's Relationships
The speaker, Leo Skepi, conveys the personal toll of "cancellation" as it not only decimated his online following and financial prospects but also eroded close personal relationships.
Speaker "Cancelled" Online, Loses Followers and Career Opportunities
Skepi shares the significant impact of being "cancelled" online, having lost 300,000 followers and approximately $250,000 in potential earnings. He details the feelings of betrayal and confusion when allies, people he had helped and supported in the past—even saving some from harm and aiding others financially—turned against him. Skepi suggests that his friends' actions were a form of damage control, meant to preserve their reputations despite knowing his true character.
Speaker's Allies Turned Against Them to Protect Their Reputations
These former friends and allies betrayed Skepi by publicly speaking out against him to prevent any backlash against themselves. Skepi recounts that during his period of cancellation, even his family felt the sting, as those he considered friends and who had personal relationships with his family chose to distance themselves. The friends justified their actions by arguing that he had the resilience and perceived advantages to recover, whereas the repercussions would be more damaging to them.
Forgiving Former Friend ...
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Impact of "Cancellation" on Speaker's Relationships
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Actionables
- You can create a personal contingency plan for reputation management by identifying your core support network and outlining steps to maintain these relationships in times of crisis. This might involve having open conversations with close friends and family about loyalty and support, and setting up regular check-ins to strengthen these bonds. For example, schedule monthly coffee meet-ups or calls to discuss life's ups and downs, ensuring a strong mutual support system.
- Develop a personal code of conduct that includes how to handle situations where you or someone you know is being "cancelled." This could involve deciding in advance the principles you'll stand by, such as honesty, accountability, and forgiveness. Write down these principles and think through potential scenarios, like if a friend is facing backlash, to prepare yourself to act in alignment with your values.
- Practice resilience-building exercises to prepare for potential person ...
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The Importance of Self-Forgiveness and Accepting Oneself
Leo Skepi shares his deeply personal journey towards self-forgiveness and self-acceptance amidst public backlash and a sense of lost hope.
Speaker Nearly Lost Hope In Their Own Worth
Amidst personal turmoil and the chaos of being cancelled, the speaker confesses to being in a "really, really bad spot mentally." Skepi recounts a period where he entertained the thought of being "at peace" alone in a jail cell, reflecting a crushing loss of self-esteem and the allure of escaping life's struggles. Despite a palpable struggle with self-worth, perhaps compounded by feelings of betrayal and hurt, Skepi's loved ones continued to see his value and offer unwavering support. This contrast served as a critical turning point for his journey toward self-forgiveness.
Speaker: Self-Forgiveness Through Learning, Not Ignoring Mistakes
True Self-Forgiveness Is Shown Through Change, Not Just Words
Skepi elucidates the path to self-forgiveness, emphasizing that it doesn't simply come from self-defense or empty words. He reflects on his process of forcing himself to recognize his own worth, mirroring the image his loved ones held of him. Skepi underlines the importance of change, revealing that he considers himself a new person every few months, associating this rapid transformation with self-improvement.
He advises that making life changes, whether in career ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The Importance of Self-Forgiveness and Accepting Oneself
Additional Materials
Actionables
- You can create a "Change Journal" to document your personal growth and self-forgiveness journey. Start by writing down the actions or behaviors you want to change, then set weekly or monthly goals to work towards those changes. Reflect on your progress and how it aligns with your values and happiness. For example, if you're working on being more patient, set a goal to practice deep breathing when you feel impatient, and note the outcomes in your journal.
- Develop a "Self-Compassion Ritual" that you perform daily to reinforce self-forgiveness. This could involve standing in front of a mirror each morning, acknowledging a past mistake, and verbally forgiving yourself while also stating a positive affirmation. For instance, you might say, "I forgive myself for losing my temper yesterday, and I am learning to respond with calmness."
- Engage in a "Behavioral Change Project" where you publicly commit to a specific cha ...
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1-Page Summary- Speaker's Experiences With Betrayal and Views on Forgiveness
- Disagreement With Societal/Cultural Narratives Around Forgiveness
- Speaker's View on Spiritual/Religious Forgiveness and Punishment
- Impact of "Cancellation" on Speaker's Relationships
- The Importance of Self-Forgiveness and Accepting Oneself
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