Podcasts > Aware & Aggravated > 12. Reset The People Pleaser Mentality- Speak Up For Yourself Confidently

12. Reset The People Pleaser Mentality- Speak Up For Yourself Confidently

By Leo Skepi

In an episode of the Aware & Aggravated podcast, the hosts delve into the often-uncomfortable realm of self-advocacy and setting boundaries. They acknowledge the discomfort many feel with voicing their needs, yet argue that being direct fosters stronger relationships than constantly tolerating mistreatment.

The episode offers practical examples of standing up for oneself, whether asserting reasonable requests for services, setting availability boundaries, or leaving uncomfortable situations. It tackles the guilt and fear that can arise around self-advocacy, reframing such concerns as misplaced. The hosts maintain that prioritizing one's emotional health takes precedence over managing others' reactions to reasonable boundaries.

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12. Reset The People Pleaser Mentality- Speak Up For Yourself Confidently

This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Oct 20, 2024 episode of the Aware & Aggravated

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12. Reset The People Pleaser Mentality- Speak Up For Yourself Confidently

1-Page Summary

Shifting the mindset around self-advocacy and boundaries

The host discusses the discomfort and anxiety around standing up for oneself, but recognizes that voicing needs is less taxing than constantly coping with mistreatment. They argue that being direct and honest fosters stronger relationships.

Identifying when boundaries need to be set

The host advises paying attention to anger or irritation as signs that boundaries have been crossed. Leo Skepi notes irritation when others demand access to his personal items as an example.

Practical examples of how to stand up for yourself

When dissatisfied with a service or product, the host recommends politely and firmly requesting a correction without guilt, allowing providers to remedy issues. For extra tasks like airport pickups, Skepi emphasizes communicating the true effort required and setting availability boundaries.

In uncomfortable situations, prioritize your well-being over others' feelings. You have the right to leave situations making you uneasy.

Overcoming guilt and fear around self-advocacy

Reframe the notion that voicing needs is a "bother." Not speaking up can burden others with guessing your needs. If someone shames you for self-advocacy, consider who the real "bad guy" is for demanding your unhappiness.

The host and Skepi assert that emotional health is paramount. You aren't responsible for managing others' reactions to your reasonable boundaries.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While voicing needs is generally less taxing than coping with mistreatment, there are contexts where speaking up can lead to conflict or exacerbate a situation, especially in environments where power dynamics are skewed.
  • Being direct and honest is generally good for relationships, but there are cultural and situational nuances where indirect communication is preferred or considered more polite and effective.
  • Anger or irritation might indicate crossed boundaries, but they can also be symptoms of personal stress, miscommunication, or unrelated frustrations that could lead to misidentifying the need for boundary setting.
  • Setting boundaries is important, but the process of establishing and enforcing them can sometimes strain relationships, especially if the other party doesn't understand or respect those boundaries.
  • Politely requesting corrections is ideal, but there are situations where service providers may not respond positively to even the most polite requests, and alternative approaches may be necessary.
  • Communicating the true effort required for extra tasks is important, but there can be a fine line between setting boundaries and coming across as uncooperative or unhelpful, particularly in professional settings where flexibility is often valued.
  • Prioritizing well-being is crucial, but there are complex social and professional scenarios where immediate self-advocacy could have negative repercussions, and a more strategic approach may be required.
  • Reframing voicing needs as necessary is a healthy perspective, but it's also important to consider the context and potential impact on relationships and to find a balance between self-advocacy and empathy.
  • Not speaking up can indeed burden others with guessing your needs, but in some cases, others may prefer to take cues from behavior rather than direct communication, depending on the relationship or cultural context.
  • Emotional health is paramount, but there are situations where individuals may choose to prioritize the emotional needs of others temporarily, such as in caregiving roles or during crisis situations.
  • While you are not responsible for managing others' reactions to your boundaries, there is a social responsibility to communicate those boundaries in a way that is considerate of others' feelings and the context of the relationship.

Actionables

  • Create a "Boundary Blueprint" by writing down situations where you felt uncomfortable and what boundary could have prevented that discomfort. This helps you identify patterns and specific areas where you need to set boundaries. For example, if you notice you often feel drained after long phone calls with a friend, your blueprint might include a boundary like limiting calls to 30 minutes.
  • Practice "Boundary Role-Playing" with a trusted friend or family member. Take turns expressing and receiving boundary statements to build confidence in real-life situations. For instance, you could role-play a scenario where you have to tell someone that you can't take on extra work. This exercise will prepare you for actual conversations and help you find the right words when the time comes.
  • Develop a "Needs Journal" where you record instances when you didn't voice your needs and the outcome of those situations. Reflect on these entries to understand the importance of speaking up and how it could have changed the scenario. For example, if you didn't tell a colleague that their last-minute requests are overwhelming, note how it affected your workload and stress level. Use this journal to motivate yourself to communicate your needs more openly in the future.

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12. Reset The People Pleaser Mentality- Speak Up For Yourself Confidently

Shifting the mindset around self-advocacy and boundaries

Understanding how to stand up for oneself and set boundaries is essential for mental health and interpersonal relationships.

Addressing the discomfort and anxiety associated with standing up for yourself

Self-advocacy can often be accompanied by feelings of discomfort and anxiety, but recognizing the long-term benefits is key to overcoming these initial hurdles.

Recognizing that putting effort into coping with mistreatment takes more energy than voicing your needs

The host illustrates that people are accustomed to coping with mistreatment as a norm. This coping requires intentional effort and energy, which is more taxing than simply voicing concerns or needs that would otherwise improve the situation and lead to better treatment.

Understanding that being direct and honest actually makes you easier to love and support

The host addresses the common fear that voicing our feelings or truths can seem aggressive, causing us to silence ourselves. However, being open and honest about your needs and emotions is essential as it prevents the misinterpretation of your behavior and reduces the anxiety and guesswork for others in your life. The speaker emphasizes that contrary to the belief that being quiet and accommodating makes one loved more easily, it is being direct and honest that actually fosters stronger and more supportive relationships.

Identifying when boundaries need to be set

Knowing when and how to establish limits is critical in preserving personal peace and maintaining healthy relationships.

Paying attention to feelings of anger or irritation as signals that a boundary has been crossed

Feelings of anger or irritation are crucial indicators that someone may have overstepped your boundaries. Suppressing these feelings can lead to others shouldering the responsibility of discerning your unstated needs. The host advises that anger should be seen as an alarm bell that warrants setting up boundaries to prevent future incidents that elicit such feelings.

Leo Skepi comments on the importance of noticing these emotions, particularly when people continuously demand things from you, such as sharing personal items. His expression about the irritation he ...

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Shifting the mindset around self-advocacy and boundaries

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While self-advocacy is important, it must be balanced with cultural sensitivity and awareness of social contexts where directness may be perceived differently.
  • The discomfort associated with self-advocacy can sometimes be due to more than just personal anxiety; it can also be a response to systemic issues that need to be addressed collectively rather than individually.
  • Voicing needs directly is not always more energy-efficient; in some cases, it can lead to conflict or confrontation that is more draining than coping with the issue.
  • Being direct and honest is generally positive, but it must be done with tact and empathy to avoid unintentionally harming others or being perceived as aggressive.
  • The idea that anger or irritation always signals a boundary has been crossed can be an oversimplification; these feelings can also stem from internal conflicts or misunderstandings.
  • Prioritizing others' needs is not always detrimental; altruism and selflessness are values that are important in many ...

Actionables

  • You can create a "Boundary Blueprint" by writing down situations where you felt uncomfortable and what you wish you had said or done differently. This exercise helps you identify patterns in your interactions and prepares you for future scenarios. For example, if you notice you often feel taken advantage of at work, your blueprint might include phrases to assert your limits, like "I can take on this task, but I'll need to reprioritize my current projects to maintain quality."
  • Develop a "Personal Bill of Rights" that lists your entitlements in relationships and interactions, such as the right to say no without feeling guilty. Refer to this bill when you feel pressured to act against your wishes. For instance, if a friend asks for a favor that infringes on your time, remind yourself of your right to prioritize your own needs and respectfully decline.
  • Practice "Boundary Role-Playing" with a tru ...

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12. Reset The People Pleaser Mentality- Speak Up For Yourself Confidently

Practical examples of how to stand up for yourself in different situations

Learning to stand up for oneself is a crucial life skill. The speaker reflects on multiple scenarios emphasizing the importance of assertiveness without guilt, and how to set boundaries for one's own well-being.

Addressing issues with a service or product purchase

When you are unhappy with a service or product, such as a meal at a restaurant, you must inform the service provider to allow them the opportunity to correct the issue, rather than pretending everything is fine. The speaker recalls how he decided to ask the waiter to correct his overcooked steak instead of accepting it to avoid the impression of ingratitude. By speaking up about a problem and allowing the service provider to address it, you enable both parties to have a better experience.

Leo Skepi emphasizes that in shopping, particularly for expensive items, it's vital to inspect quality and request the best item without feeling like an inconvenience. He also notes the importance of ensuring the customer gets what they have paid for and that the service provider should have the opportunity to correct any issues.

Politely but firmly requesting a replacement or correction without feeling guilty

For instance, the speaker describes a situation with an overcooked steak, where he told the waiter, "Hate to be that person, but this is real, real cooked," asking for a correction. He initially found it challenging due to his innate consideration but ultimately decided to speak up.

Allowing the service provider the opportunity to remedy the issue

When he brought up the issue of the steak with the waiter, the waiter acknowledged the mistake and offered to correct it. This meant the speaker could enjoy a meal he liked without the stress of eating something he did not enjoy, underlining the idea of giving the service provider a chance to improve their service.

Refusing to take on extra tasks or responsibilities for others

Setting boundaries and being transparent about your availability and the effort required for additional tasks is essential. The speaker discusses the imposition of picking someone up from the airport, which could mean up to four hours of driving. He underscores the importance of being honest with one's availability and not feeling guilty for personal time.

Communicating the time and effort it would require and allowing others to make an informed decision

By revealing the real impact of favors such as airport pickups, you allow others to understand the imposition and make informed decisions about what to ask of you.

Setting clear boundaries around your availability and priorities

Skepi talks about the necessity of setting aside personal time and stating periods when one is unreachable. He advises against carrying extra burd ...

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Practical examples of how to stand up for yourself in different situations

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While it's important to inform service providers about issues, there may be situations where the cost of speaking up (e.g., time, emotional energy) outweighs the benefit of the potential correction.
  • Insisting on quality for expensive items is reasonable, but it's also important to recognize that not all imperfections affect the functionality or enjoyment of a product, and some level of imperfection may be acceptable.
  • Politely requesting replacements or corrections is generally good practice, but there can be circumstances where the issue is minor and it might be more gracious or practical to overlook it.
  • Service providers should be given the chance to remedy issues, but there are times when a service provider may not be capable of correcting the problem to the customer's satisfaction, and alternative solutions might need to be considered.
  • Communicating the time and effort required for tasks is important, but one must also be flexible at times, as rigid boundaries can strain relationships and sometimes it's valuable to make sacrifices for others.
  • Setting clear boundaries is crucial, but there's a balance to be struck between personal ...

Actionables

  • Create a feedback template for products and services you use regularly to streamline the process of reporting issues. Keep a document on your phone or computer with predefined sections such as "Issue Description," "Impact on Use," and "Preferred Outcome." This makes it easier to communicate problems effectively and efficiently whenever they arise, ensuring you don't forget key details when reaching out to service providers.
  • Develop a personal policy for high-value purchases that includes a checklist of quality criteria and a post-purchase review period. Before buying an expensive item, use the checklist to assess its quality thoroughly. After the purchase, set a calendar reminder for a week or a month later to evaluate the item's performance and decide if it meets your standards, which can help you decide whether to keep it, request a correction, or return it. ...

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12. Reset The People Pleaser Mentality- Speak Up For Yourself Confidently

Overcoming guilt, shame, and fear of conflict around self-advocacy

Learning to prioritize one’s own needs without feeling guilty or worried about causing inconvenience or conflict is essential for mental health and personal growth.

Reframing the narrative around being a "bother" or "inconvenience"

It's critical to recognize that neglecting personal needs to avoid being a burden can paradoxically lead to being more of a burden on others. Hiding discomfort and not communicating needs prevents others from providing support and can make someone feel harder to love. There is a consensus that by avoiding self-advocacy, people around you might become frustrated with the situations you tolerate.

People are encouraged to set boundaries, such as defining times when they are unreachable if they know that certain interactions are a waste of time. By firmly allocating personal time, individuals prevent their goals from being put on hold. Furthermore, not speaking up can ruin experiences, affecting both oneself and those involved.

Leo Skepi asserts the importance of changing plans when necessary for self-care and not feeling guilty about taking care when unexpected situations arise. He highlights how personal legacy and career should not be compromised for jobs that do not provide adequate compensation or benefits.

By avoiding getting caught up in unproductive situations, such as unwanted conversations with door-to-door solicitors, individuals avoid inconvenience to themselves and others. People are reassured that loved ones will understand the need for setting boundaries and taking time for self-care.

Addressing attempts to shame or guilt you for standing up for yourself

The idea that someone else's discomfort with your self-advocacy does not make you the "bad guy" is echoed throughout the conversation. If you're actively hurting, it's valid to prioritize your own feelings and well-being.

For instance, one is not obliged to round up change for a donation at a store or leave tips in unwarranted situations. Speaking up for oneself might require others to pay attention but is more considerate than expecting them to guess your needs and feelings.

When others try to shame you for wanting to change something or for standing up for how you are treated, they are essent ...

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Overcoming guilt, shame, and fear of conflict around self-advocacy

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Leo Skepi is a figure mentioned in the text who emphasizes the importance of self-care and setting boundaries. He advocates for prioritizing personal well-being and not feeling guilty about making decisions that benefit oneself. Skepi's views underscore the significance of advocating for oneself and not allowing others to shame or guilt individuals for standing up for their needs. His insights serve to empower individuals to prioritize their emotional health and assert their boundaries confidently.
  • Self-advocacy involves speaking up for your own needs, rights, and preferences. It means asserting yourself in a way that promotes your well-being and respects your boundaries. Setting boundaries is about defining what is acceptable and unacceptable in your interactions with others, helping you establish limits that safeguard your emotional and mental health. These practices empower individuals to communicate effectively, prioritize self-care, and navigate relationships with clarity and confidence.
  • A "no contact agreement" in the context of a breakup is a mut ...

Counterarguments

  • While prioritizing one's needs is important, it's also necessary to balance self-advocacy with empathy and consideration for others' needs and feelings.
  • Setting boundaries is crucial, but it's equally important to communicate them in a way that is clear and respectful to avoid unnecessary conflict.
  • Not all situations can be labeled as unproductive; what might seem like a waste of time to one person could be an opportunity for another to engage in meaningful conversation or networking.
  • While it's true that one should not feel obligated to donate or tip, doing so can be a part of social responsibility and contribute to a culture of generosity.
  • Self-advocacy should be encouraged, but it's also important to recognize that compromise is sometimes necessary in relationships and social interactions to maintain harmony.
  • Emotional health is a priority, but it's also important to acknowledge that relationships are a two-way street, and sometimes one's actions do affect others' emotions, which can require a degree of responsibility and sensitivity.
  • In advocating for oneself, it's important to ensure that the advocacy does not inadvertently b ...

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