11. Reset The Habit Of Falling Into Old Patterns. You're Done Spiraling
In this Aware & Aggravated episode, Leo Skepi examines why people revert to old habits during times of change, even when they have new goals in mind. He explains that this behavior stems not from self-sabotage, but from the brain's natural inclination toward familiar patterns, particularly during periods of uncertainty or discomfort.
Skepi shares practical strategies for managing setbacks and emotional responses during periods of change. He discusses the importance of reframing how we view our setbacks, suggests alternatives to using labels like "spiraling," and explores how seemingly negative emotions like anger can serve protective functions. The episode covers methods for maintaining high personal standards while navigating challenging situations, illustrated through Skepi's experiences as both a nurse and performer.
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1-Page Summary
Understanding the Psychology Behind Old Patterns
When faced with change, people often revert to old habits despite having new goals. This tendency isn't driven by self-sabotage but rather by our brain's preference for familiar patterns, even when they're not beneficial. The comfort of predictable behaviors becomes particularly appealing during times of uncertainty or discomfort.
Strategies For Avoiding and Recovering From Setbacks
Leo Skepi emphasizes the importance of how we frame our setbacks. He advises against using terms like "spiraling" or "self-sabotage," as these labels can lead to rationalizing negative behaviors and abandoning responsibility. Instead, Skepi recommends pausing to understand underlying emotions when triggered, then redirecting focus toward future improvements. He stresses maintaining high personal standards rather than compromising them during challenging times.
Managing Emotions During Change
The podcast emphasizes approaching emotional responses with compassion rather than criticism. Skepi discusses how emotions like anger, while often viewed negatively, can serve protective functions and be redirected constructively. He shares his personal rule of not taking actions while angry to avoid regrettable decisions. The discussion highlights how experiencing discomfort during change is actually a sign of progress, not failure. Skepi illustrates this through examples from his experiences as a nurse and performer, where challenges activated rather than hindered his abilities.
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Counterarguments
- While framing setbacks positively is important, it's also crucial to acknowledge and learn from mistakes without glossing over them.
- The use of terms like "spiraling" or "self-sabotage" might sometimes accurately describe certain behaviors, and avoiding these terms could potentially minimize the seriousness of the situation.
- Understanding underlying emotions is important, but it's also necessary to have concrete strategies for behavior change, as insight alone may not lead to different actions.
- Maintaining high personal standards is important, but it's also essential to recognize when to be flexible and adapt standards to changing circumstances to avoid unnecessary stress.
- Compassion towards oneself is important, but it should be balanced with accountability to ensure that compassion does not become an excuse for inaction or avoiding growth.
- While anger can serve protective functions, it's also important to develop skills to manage anger effectively, as uncontrolled anger can be destructive.
- The idea that discomfort during change is a sign of progress may not always hold true; sometimes discomfort can be a sign that the change is not the right fit or is being approached in an unhealthy way.
- Challenges can activate abilities, but without proper support and resources, they can also overwhelm and lead to burnout or decreased performance.
Actionables
- Create a "habit interruption" card deck to playfully challenge your brain's preference for familiar patterns. Write down common habits you want to change on individual cards and shuffle them daily. When you draw a card, perform an alternative action that aligns with your desired change. For example, if you draw a card that says "Check social media," you might instead take a five-minute walk or read a page from a book.
- Develop a "setback journal" where you document and reframe setbacks as learning opportunities. Each time you face a setback, write down what happened and then challenge yourself to find at least one positive takeaway or lesson learned. This could be as simple as recognizing that you maintained composure during a stressful situation or that you identified a trigger to avoid in the future.
- Initiate a "constructive anger" exercise routine where you channel emotions like anger into physical activity. When you feel anger bubbling up, instead of reacting immediately, engage in a pre-planned physical activity such as a quick set of push-ups, a brisk walk, or a session of shadow boxing. This not only provides a healthy outlet for the emotion but also gives you time to cool down and approach the situation more rationally afterward.
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Understanding the Psychology Behind Old Patterns
Understanding the allure of old habits can provide insight into why people often revert to previous behaviors, despite having new goals or mindsets. This psychological perspective suggests that comfort in the familiar plays a significant role in our actions.
Comfort Causes Reversion to Old Behaviors Despite New Goals
The Comfort of Old Habits Is Triggered by Unfamiliarity and Uncertainty
When faced with the unfamiliar and the uncertain, old patterns offer a comforting refuge. This comforts stems from their predictability, providing a sense of stability in the turbulent process of change. As one encounters unfamiliar situations, the temptation to return to known behaviors becomes stronger, primarily because they've been deeply ingrained through previous repetition.
Old Patterns Are Attempts to Alleviate Discomfort, Not Self-Sabotage
The Brain Favors Familiar, Predictable Patterns, Even if Harmful
Humans have an innate preference for predictability. This preference is so strong that even if certain habits are detrimental, the brain may still favor them over novel, unpredictable behaviors. When confronted with uncertainty or discomfort, the old mindset often resurfaces as a coping mechanism, not as an act of self-sabotage, but as an attempt to alleviate discomfort.
Skepi highlights the emotional disappointment that occurs when reverting to old patterns, which might involve laziness, lack of discipline, or unhealthy eating habits. These behaviors, although not serving our future interests, are retreated to because they offer a well-worn path of least resistance.
New Mindset Integration: Trial and Error, Not Smooth Progression
Expecting a Smooth Transition Leads To Disappointment During Setbacks
Setbacks are part and parcel of the attempt to change behavior. A ...
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Understanding the Psychology Behind Old Patterns
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Clarifications
- The term "old mindset" typically refers to established thought patterns, beliefs, or behaviors that have been ingrained over time through repetition and familiarity. These mental frameworks often represent a person's default way of thinking or reacting to situations, shaped by past experiences and conditioning. When discussing the psychology behind old patterns, the "old mindset" is contrasted with the idea of adopting new perspectives or behaviors to facilitate personal gro ...
Counterarguments
- While comfort in the familiar is significant, it's not the only factor; sometimes, a lack of awareness or mindfulness contributes to reverting to old habits.
- The assertion that old patterns offer comfort might oversimplify the complexity of human behavior; sometimes, people revert to old habits out of inertia or a lack of effective coping strategies rather than seeking comfort.
- The brain's preference for predictability can be overridden by conscious effort and the desire for personal growth, suggesting that predictability isn't always the dominant force in behavior.
- Old behaviors as coping mechanisms might not fully account for the role of external pressures or environmental triggers in influencing behavior.
- The idea that reverting to old patterns is due to laziness or lack of discipline could be seen as judgmental and not consider underlying psychological issues or external circumstances.
- The concept of setbacks being part of behavior change doesn't address the possibility that some individuals may experience a smooth transition without significant setbacks.
- The not ...
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Strategies For Avoiding and Recovering From Setbacks
Leo Skepi shares effective methods for handling setbacks without spiraling into negative behavior and maintaining control to continue progressing towards personal goals.
Avoid Calling Setbacks "Spiraling" or "Self-Sabotage" to Maintain Control
Catastrophizing and Spiraling Allow Abdication of Responsibility and Rationalization Of Backsliding
Leo Skepi insists that we must not describe challenging situations as "spiraling," as this leads to rationalizing a return to old habits and abdicating responsibility. By refraining from labeling setbacks in this negative light, one retains control and avoids using feelings of desperation as an excuse for harmful actions like lowering standards or seeking quick fixes. Skepi outlines that what is often termed "self-sabotage" or "fear of success" is actually a search for comfort in the familiar, and is not driven by a genuine desire to fail.
Skepi advises against using terms like "spiraling" as they provide an excuse to perpetuate negative behaviors. Recognizing one's control can prevent further negative spirals. They also discuss how a single negative event can prompt a destructive "fuck it" attitude. Instead of self-shaming or viewing setbacks as proof of inability, Skepi recommends reassessing the situation and acknowledging the new and old perspectives without panicking or seeking external validation.
Pause, Reorient, Redirect In Disruptions or Triggers
Shift Focus to Future Improvements
Rather than resorting to beating oneself up, Skepi advises taking control before acting when feeling desperate. He suggests pausing to understand the underlying needs or desires the emotion is indicating, and using this as an opportunity to set boundaries and anticipate future triggers. Writing down moments of weakness and associated feelings can help maintain a logical mindset in emotional times. Skepi also talks about two to-do lists for handling tasks, even when disruptions occur, ensuring the most critical tasks remain a priority.
By stopping and reorienting after a derailment, focusing on future action ...
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Strategies For Avoiding and Recovering From Setbacks
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Counterarguments
- While avoiding negative labels like "spiraling" can be beneficial, some individuals may find that acknowledging and naming their struggles is a crucial step towards recovery and should not be universally discouraged.
- The concept of not wanting to fail but seeking comfort in the familiar might oversimplify complex psychological patterns behind self-sabotage, which can sometimes include a fear of success or deep-seated beliefs about one's worthiness of success.
- The advice to avoid a "fuck it" attitude may not address deeper issues of self-compassion and understanding one's limitations, which can be an important part of the recovery process.
- Writing down moments of weakness assumes that individuals have the clarity and presence of mind to do so during challenging times, which may not always be the case.
- The strategy of maintaining two to-do lists could be overwhelming for some people and might not address the root causes of why tasks are being disrupted in the first place.
- The emphasis on maintaining standards and not compromising may not take into account the ne ...
Actionables
- You can create a "setback recovery plan" that outlines positive steps to take when you encounter a setback. This plan might include a short walk, a five-minute meditation, or calling a supportive friend. The idea is to have a go-to list of activities that help you regain control and perspective without falling into negative thought patterns.
- Develop a "comfort menu" that lists healthier alternatives to your usual comfort-seeking behaviors. For example, if you tend to reach for junk food when stressed, your menu could include making a smoothie or preparing a fruit salad. This way, you replace the search for comfort in the familiar with new, positive habits.
- Start a "flexibility journal" where you document instances where you success ...
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Managing Emotions During Change
During times of change, managing emotions can be a challenging but essential aspect of personal growth.
Approach Disappointment, Frustration, or Insecurity With Compassion, Not Criticism
When experiencing disappointment, frustration, or insecurity, it's critical to approach these emotions with compassion. Falling into an old pattern is not a reason to panic; instead, it's an opportunity to recognize weak points and strengthen them. Understanding feelings of discomfort and experiencing setbacks is a part of stepping out of one's comfort zone and trying new things; these feelings signify progress, not failure. Granting oneself grace when adopting a new mindset is crucial since it's akin to relearning how to walk.
Recognizing a disconnect or setback while integrating a new mindset or personality is a part of stretching toward one's potential. Actions taken to resolve situations, such as handling unexpected business calls or insisting delivery people correct an issue, demonstrate an approach to setbacks not with self-criticism, but with actionable steps for resolution. This proactive attitude stems from an understanding that mishaps do not have to derail one's entire day and are not indicative of failure.
Emotional Responses Like Anger Serve Protective, Re-channelable Functions
Leo Skepi discusses managing emotions like anger, suggesting reorientation rather than allowing these feelings to derail plans. He emphasizes reflection as a means to gain clarity on behaviors and boundaries to prevent future disappointments, thus framing setbacks as opportunities for growth. Skepi shares his personal boundary of not reacting while angry to avoid regrettable actions. He acknowledges the protective nature of anger and sets a personal rule not to take actions intended to harm while in that state.
Skepi had originally hoped to not feel anger but came to understand it as a tool that requires discernment for its appropriate use. He now appreciates anger as a protective force, especially in business contexts where one may be vulnerable to exploitation. Despite needing to adjust the expression of anger, he recognizes it as a necessary self-protection tool. Old patterns of self-protection are valuable, and it's u ...
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Managing Emotions During Change
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Counterarguments
- While approaching emotions with compassion is beneficial, it's also important to critically assess one's emotional responses to ensure they are appropriate and constructive.
- Setbacks can be opportunities for growth, but they can also sometimes indicate a need to reassess or change one's approach, rather than persisting with the same strategy.
- Granting oneself grace is important, but without accountability, it can lead to complacency and a lack of progress.
- Taking action to resolve setbacks is crucial, but it's also important to analyze why these setbacks occurred to prevent them in the future.
- While anger can serve protective functions, it can also cloud judgment and lead to impulsive decisions that may have negative consequences.
- Personal rules to manage anger are useful, but they may not address the underlying causes of anger or offer a long-term solution.
- Appreciating anger as a protective force can be valid, but it's also important to develop other, more constructive ways to protect oneself and resolve conflicts.
- Hope and optimism are important, but they must be balanced with realism and a clear-eyed assessment of the situation to avoid disappointment.
- Skills may be activated when necessary, but consistent practice a ...
Actionables
- Create a "Setback Journal" to document and reframe challenges as growth opportunities. Each time you encounter a setback, write it down, and next to it, list at least one way it can contribute to your personal development. This practice turns abstract positivity into a concrete habit, making it easier to see progress over time.
- Develop a "Compassion Response Plan" for when you're feeling negative emotions. Write down a series of questions or affirmations that guide you to respond to yourself with kindness rather than criticism. For example, if you're feeling insecure, your plan might include affirmations like "I am learning and growing every day" or questions like "What can this feeling teach me?"
- Use a "Behavior Reflection Sheet" after instances where a ...
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