2. Reset Your Tolerance To Sacrificing Yourself. Obligation Hates Being Valued

Do you feel like there just aren’t enough hours in the day? That you’re constantly checking things off your to-do list but still don’t have enough time for the important things? Your problem might be that you’re doing a lot, but not doing the right things.

In First Things First, Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, presents a time management approach that focuses on priorities, or “first things.” This approach teaches you to use your time effectively instead of just efficiently—in other words, focusing on what you spend your time on, rather than just how much time you spend per task. You’ll learn how to identify your priorities, schedule your time at the daily and weekly levels, and collaborate with others to ensure the best possible results for everyone.

In this guide, we link Covey’s ideas to books and articles about leadership, spirituality, and even biology to help you determine what’s most important to you and why. We also include connections to other self-help books and business strategy guides to help you maximize your potential, both individually and as part of a group.

Why and how do people justify their questionable actions and big mistakes? In Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me), social psychologists Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson argue that we self-justify to relieve cognitive dissonance: discomfort triggered when we do things that don’t align with our other beliefs, actions, and values. They examine several unconscious processes we use to reduce the discomfort of cognitive dissonance, including self-justification, confirmation bias, and memory distortion. By learning about these psychological processes, you can unlock awareness of them in your own life and begin taking accountability for your actions.

In this guide, you’ll learn how contradictory thoughts and behaviors create painful dissonance. We’ll also discuss how self-justification, confirmation bias, and memory distortion help us relieve dissonance. Finally, we’ll discuss how the authors suggest we can break the cycle of self-justification and hold ourselves accountable for our uncomfortable actions. In our commentary, we’ll discuss healthier strategies you can use to deal with dissonance and explore some of the neurological processes that drive self-justifying behavior.

In The Anatomy of Peace, the Arbinger Institute—a leading consultant in conflict resolution—discusses how we perpetuate conflict by misunderstanding its cause and acting inappropriately as a result. By understanding the mechanics of the conflict mindset, you'll find how we make conflict worse, how we invite the mistreatment we desire an end to, and how we blind ourselves to the true causes of our interpersonal problems.

In this guide, we discuss Arbinger’s strategy for adjusting your mindset, returning to appreciating the full humanity of others, and creating strong, conflict-resistant relationships in your home, business, and community. We also examine psychological theories that often underpin, support, or build upon Arbinger’s ideas.

In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie explores codependency and how it affects people’s lives. A self-help classic and the book that inspired codependency 12 Step Programs around the country, Codependent No More provides explanations, advice, and compassion for people struggling with codependency.

In this guide, we’ll explore Beattie’s main principles, including detachment, self-care, and personal responsibility. We’ll compare Beattie’s ideas with other relationship perspectives, such as the positive view of attachment presented in Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Finally, we’ll supplement Beattie’s advice with that of modern psychologists and self-help experts, providing concrete steps for you to start living for yourself again.

Do you feel like there just aren’t enough hours in the day? That you’re constantly checking things off your to-do list but still don’t have enough time for the important things? Your problem might be that you’re doing a lot, but not doing the right things.

In First Things First, Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, presents a time management approach that focuses on priorities, or “first things.” This approach teaches you to use your time effectively instead of just efficiently—in other words, focusing on what you spend your time on, rather than just how much time you spend per task. You’ll learn how to identify your priorities, schedule your time at the daily and weekly levels, and collaborate with others to ensure the best possible results for everyone.

In this guide, we link Covey’s ideas to books and articles about leadership, spirituality, and even biology to help you determine what’s most important to you and why. We also include connections to other self-help books and business strategy guides to help you maximize your potential, both individually and as part of a group.

Do you want to make your life better? Are you struggling in your personal or professional life, your interactions with other people, your life balance, or your life’s purpose?

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People provides an inside-out approach to improving yourself and your life. This method entails examining and adjusting your character, your motives, and how you see the world in order to change how you behave and how you interact with others. Learn how to best focus your time, define your personal mission, and build productive relationships with other people.

Do you want to make your life better? Are you struggling in your personal or professional life, your interactions with other people, your life balance, or your life’s purpose?

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People provides an inside-out approach to improving yourself and your life. This method entails examining and adjusting your character, your motives, and how you see the world in order to change how you behave and how you interact with others. Learn how to best focus your time, define your personal mission, and build productive relationships with other people.

In Trauma Stewardship, Laura van Dernoot Lipsky writes that we can better care for others who have gone through trauma by learning to care for ourselves—a practice she calls trauma stewardship. Trauma, loss, and suffering are everyday realities, damaging not only to those who suffer from these challenges directly, but also to the caregivers who witness and tend to others’ trauma. Lipsky argues that to be fully present and emotionally available to others, we must address the impact of secondary trauma (the harm we experience when exposed to others’ trauma). Lipsky's trauma stewardship framework addresses how to manage secondary trauma, create a better work-life balance, and practice mindful self-care so you can support others to your fullest capacity.

In this guide, we’ll explain Lipsky’s concept of trauma stewardship, discuss the warning signs of secondary trauma, and provide ways you can replenish your energy for healthy caregiving. Along the way, we’ll provide additional psychological insights about trauma exposure and other experts’ advice on self-care and compassion.

Do you feel like there just aren’t enough hours in the day? That you’re constantly checking things off your to-do list but still don’t have enough time for the important things? Your problem might be that you’re doing a lot, but not doing the right things.

In First Things First, Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, presents a time management approach that focuses on priorities, or “first things.” This approach teaches you to use your time effectively instead of just efficiently—in other words, focusing on what you spend your time on, rather than just how much time you spend per task. You’ll learn how to identify your priorities, schedule your time at the daily and weekly levels, and collaborate with others to ensure the best possible results for everyone.

In this guide, we link Covey’s ideas to books and articles about leadership, spirituality, and even biology to help you determine what’s most important to you and why. We also include connections to other self-help books and business strategy guides to help you maximize your potential, both individually and as part of a group.

In Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff argues that when you respond to your failings and pain with kindness and comfort, you can manage the most challenging situations life throws at you. This entails understanding that you—like all people—make mistakes and suffer, are intrinsically worthy of care and comfort, and are connected to others through your suffering.

Neff is a pioneer in self-compassion research, whose tenets are rooted in Buddhist psychology. She’s the co-founder of the nonprofit Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, co-developer of the Mindful Self-Compassion training and workbook, and author of Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive (2021). Self-Compassion was published in 2015.

In this guide, we’ll examine Neff’s definition of self-compassion and explore the key practices, benefits, and obstacles to embracing it. We’ll also explain how self-compassion can improve your relationship with others, making you a better partner and parent. We’ll also expand on Neff’s claims by comparing them with ideas and advice from other spiritual, psychology, medical, and public health experts.

In When Things Fall Apart, Buddhist nun and teacher Pema Chödrön provides guidance on how to find courage and compassion amid pain, loss, and uncertainty. She writes that pain and suffering are inevitable parts of life but that these experiences can also be opportunities for growth and transformation. Drawing on ancient Buddhist wisdom and practices, Chödrön shows us how to cultivate self-awareness and acceptance and face life's challenges with grace and resilience.

In this guide, we explore Chödrön’s views on why we suffer—what causes emotional pain and perpetuates it during challenging times—and outline what you can do to turn these experiences into opportunities for growth and healing. We also compare Chödrön’s teachings to insights from other Buddhist teachers and mental health experts and provide additional context about Buddhism so you can better understand and apply these concepts to real-world challenges.